Secret Signals?

[montytm]

My husband & I are going to a swingers club for the 1st time this weekend. It's an on premise club. We have already discussed our expectations, how we feel about this, etc. But we can't seem to come up with a signal to let the other one know if we do or do not want something to happen. Any suggestions?

[TeamSoBe]

Working out a signal is definitely a good idea, but an even better idea is just being up-front with people that you're new and nervous.

If a couple comes on strong and tries to get you to do something that you don't want to do, then either one of you at any point can say something like, "This is our first time to a club like this and we aren't ready for that yet", and nobody will be offended. If they get offended by that, then they are jerks and you don't want them anyway.

If you get into something with somebody, then just let them know that you are new and that you're not sure how far you want to go. If they are like most couples then they will go out of their way to help you to communicate among yourselves and they will give you both plenty of opportunities to hit the brakes if you need to. Nobody wants to force newbies into something that's going to create drama.

Having an 'abort' signal is definitely a good idea, but trying to be slick and communicate everything with secret signals means that you're not communicating with the people that you're interacting with. That could be considered rude and could lead to a lot of confusion that could be eliminated if you are just up-front with people about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. If you act friendly but then just suddenly pull back for no apparent reason then you could start to get a reputation for being strange and flaky and erratic, but if you just say "whoa" out loud then people will want to help you and will understand.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe

Having an 'abort' signal is definitely a good idea, but trying to be slick and communicate everything with secret signals means that you're not communicating with the people that you're interacting with.

I had never thought of this from this angle before. What great advice. When we are doing our best to be cordial and use a signal to let each other know, how honest are with being with the people we are talking/playing with?

You have given me a lot to think about.


Lori

[TeamSoBe]

Heh, apparently I really need to stop acting like I know what I'm talking about, I think that I'm starting to come off like some kind of expert. This falls into the realm of problems that less experienced people can have, which we are unfortunately experts in. We are truly the masters of dumb newbie mistakes, especially communication problems. My wife and I have had a few spectacular fiascos in swinging, and we have traced them mostly back to miscommunication.

When you're single and you're flirting with one person it's complicated enough to communicate your desires and needs and expectations, but when you do it with four people the potential for some miscommunication snowballing into drama is much bigger. Anything that you can do to get signals from couple to couple is a good thing. If you aren't open and clear about how you're feeling then the other couple will be paying attention for subtle signals, which are often misinterpreted.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe
Heh, apparently I really need to stop acting like I know what I'm talking about, I think that I'm starting to come off like some kind of expert.

I don't think anyone can ever become an expert in anything. Everyone is the voice of their own lives and exerience, that is where the learning aspect falls into play. When they share it with others it gives them an opportunity to grow. When people stop sharing their experiences, the minds of the world stop growing.


Lori

[Alura]

Originally posted by TeamSoBe
Heh, apparently I really need to stop acting like I know what I'm talking about, I think that I'm starting to come off like some kind of expert.

X = Unknown quantity
Spurt = A drip under pressure.

You see, TeamSoBe, we ALL qualify!

Alura

[bbcpl4cpl]

Hi!

I was just wondering what other couples use for signals or general suggestions for signals that my husband and I could use to communicate our desire or lack of for another couple without outright excusing ourselves for huddle time?

Thanks in advance,

J&M

[Nymph an' Satyr]

"I need to call the kids to make sure that they are alright....."

That means something is not clicking, and let's wrap it up.

Of course it could also just mean that I need to call the kids to make sure that they haven't killed each other....

[bbcpl4cpl]

That's a good one but yes I can understand that you may have to make sure they really are okay...lol.. I have four children so that would be a good one to use then....

My husband just laughed and said that we could do baseball signals to each other but I told him that if I am squatting and doing lewd finger things between my legs then he can assume I am already quite compatiable and ready for the other couple....



J(the lady) and M (da man)

[JustAskJulie]

This seems to be one of those questions that people don't want to answer... possibly because they are scared they may at some point have to use it on someone they may meet from this board and then their secret is out.

So, lets go another way with this.

When things aren't going right, do you let your partner know by stating a secret word/phrase? Or is it some sort of physical gesture/secret sign.

this is something im really curious about as well...any "secret sign" i could think of would be really obvious to another person...

i know that if my wife and i were to get into a swinging situtaion we would DEFINETELY need something like this. my wife is really the type who might keep quite in order to not offend anyone if she wasnt enjoying something. If she felt she was unable to communicate how she felt to me it would only make a bad situation worse. we have no kids, so the "check on the kids" excuse wouldnt work...

[bbcpl4cpl]

Yes, I figured after I posted the question that perhaps that would be a deterrent for people to post an answer and I like the way you rephrased the question, Julie.

Thanks.

J (the lady of the couple known as J&M)

[Fire_and_Air]

For the longest time, we couldn't decide on secret signals or phrases that wouldn't be too obvious or contrived. We've decided that the easiest way to go is to stay near each other when swapping... and if one of us realizes that they're just not clicking with their playmate, just say "I'd love to watch you make love to / fuck your wife / husband / etc. Let's switch..." and turn it into a soft swap.

[Roxysbayou]

We usually give a squeeze. Whether it be while he is holding my hand or a hand on the knee, usually one squeeze is a yes and two squeezes is a no. It's a little more suttle. If that isn't possible then he will escort me to the restroom for a quiet "what do you think?"

[Chris&Amelia]

We both carry pagers with us, and if one of us isn't connecting with a couple at the club, one of us will look at our pager and say "Oh crap! The office is paging me!"