Normal to freak after the first time?

[newgentry]

Well, we had our first experience over the weekend, and although it basically wasn't much more than a heavy necking session, it was, for us, a major major step. One big question for me though as a result of it. Here's what happened - the missus and I had a party at the house for a bunch of our friends. Some of our wilder friends stayed late after the rest had left - 4 couples in all. One thing led to another and we're all buck ass naked in the living room dancing and partying like hell (that part's no big deal - we've known these guys for years and been naked around them all several times). Then one thing led to another and we're all in the hot tub. Again - no big deal, that's happened before too. The BIG deal was when THAT one thing led to the other when, almost before I knew it, a friends wife is on my lap and we're making out like there's no tomorrow. I look over and my wife is doing the same thing on the other side of the tub with her husband. Wow. I mean WOW!!! Talk about visually stimulating. Anyway, nothing much besides that happened, basically because my friends wife started getting nervous after about 10-15 mins and we all agreed to stop. Candidly, I don't think it would have been physically possible to go any farther than that - the other guy and I had about 12 scotches apiece in us, and I was so wasted that I couldn't have gotten it up with a crane *lol*. Remember now that my wife is the same woman that had turned me down cold on several occasions when I even broached the topic of SRS with anyone, and all of sudden we're doing this? That was an incredible thing to happen. Anyway, the next morning after we sobered up we discussed it and actually had a GREAT conversation. We both agreed that we had enjoyed it, and rationally discussed rules and boundaries for any future encounters. That's one thing that we really fell short on - again we just kind of fell into this thing with no advance "arrangements" or discussion - nothing on safe sex, nothing on full swap vs. soft, absolutely nothing. That omission could have turned everything way south real fast but we dodged the bullet. I realized though, that you need to take people seriously when they say to talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. All in all, though, it was a phenomenally enjoyable experience, and I really think that we'll have some more great times in the future. OK now, after all this rambling (and sorry for that) - here's my question. All day long the next day I was semi-freaking over what happened - not in a bad way, just really amazed I guess. I was also extremely emotionally "needy" towards my wife - I kept hugging and kissing her all day, telling her how much I loved her. She kept laughing and reciprocating, for sure, but I know she was wondering what the hell had gotten into me. I think it stemmed half from appreciation for the night before, and half I think from what was a sense of insecurity on my part. While I certainly enjoyed seeing her with someone else, it was almost like now I know that she CAN be with another guy, so that opened up a Pandora's box of emotions - will she like these other guys in bed better than me? Will she start seeing them on the side? God forbid would something develop that she'd leave me over? Have we started something here that we're going to regret later? Ergo, a big reason for me being so touchy feely all day. Is this a normal reaction to have after your first time? Anyone else go through this and if so how did you deal with it? Don't get me wrong - I'm not obsessing over anything and I already feel better this morning - I guess I just want to know if what I'm feeling is something that should be expected. Again, folks, many apologies for the length of this message. Thanks a lot for letting me vent.

[sexyRus_inMass]

After our first swap experience, my husband was the same way as far as being extra attentive and "emotionally needy."

Not that I mind my husband hugging me and saying nice things to me but after a day of it, I asked "what is up with you? Why so extra adoring?"

So I'd say you're not alone in your reaction as long as it doesn't develop into a jealousy issue (and by the sounds of it, it's not).

Ride it out, there's absolutely nothing wrong with appreciating what you've got!

[Elusive BiFem]

I'm glad ya'll had such fun, Newgentry...and yeah, while it is probably best to spend some time on the rules and whatever...the spontaneous things are often the very best. Sort of removes what I call the "clinical" aspects of swinging.

Now from a single woman's perspective...I think your reactions and emotions the next day were probably about as normal as they get. Much of what you said was the same for me after my first experience...the difference being that I am single and didn't have anyone else to worry about...or to discuss it with.

Just go with the good feelings and enjoy them. Maybe that is one of the major benefits of swinging and what couples talk about all the time in terms of their increased communication and appreciation for each other...the recognition that their partner can be attractive to and attracted by others. Kind of takes us out of that complacency place we all find ourselves in from time to time.

Keep us posted on how things go! - EBF

[sexypairca]

Glad to hear that your first experience was a positive one, and be assured that your feelings are "normal". Just keep on believing that when we say "talk, talk and then talk about it" that we aren't kidding . Be sure to discuss the insecurities that you are feeling with your wife, this is a normal response too. Just keep in mind that sex is fun but love is real, I'm sure that you will be just fine after a reassuring talk with her.

I would advise discussing the subject of boundaries with this group in a sober setting. It is important that everyone be aware of what is and what is not acceptable prior to a few too many drinks. Some of these people may unknowingly stretch your boundaries and in turn bruise a friendship just because they didn't know. Would any of this happened if alcohol wasn't in the mix? I understand that a couple of drinks to loosen up is no big deal but swinging while intoxicated could lead to trouble if everyone hasn't agreed to boundaries prior.

I never do anything while drinking that I wouldn't do sober, actually won't have more than a couple of drinks with swing partners just so that there is no doubt in my mind that I am still in controll. Then I won't have to worry about regrets in the morning. Just food for thought.

Annette

[bear_n_bunny]

I'm so glad you enjoyed your first experience, newgentry. The lifestyle can be great fun, but a place where you must tread carefully. How nice that it just happened for you guys? I think we almost talk our now favorite play partners to death before jumping in.

All day long the next day I was semi-freaking over what happened - not in a bad way, just really amazed I guess. I was also extremely emotionally "needy" towards my wife - I kept hugging and kissing her all day, telling her how much I loved her.

I know this reaction well. Heck, it's one of my favorite things about playing. I wouldn't describe Bear as needy, just very adoring.

-- Bunny

[fun_pairTX]

Just go at each others pace, don't push things and keep talking. Best of luck to you.

[Brit_Pair]

First off, congratulations on a successful first encounter.

Secondly, the reactions you've experienced in the aftermath are no different to those I've experienced myself after meetings, so I don't think you have anything to be concerned about.

Good luck for your future adventures.

[mrbandsatl]

...will she like these other guys in bed better than me? Will she start seeing them on the side? God forbid would something develop that she'd leave me over? Have we started something here that we're going to regret later?

Well, as usual, everyone is making good points.

While we agree these feelings are normal, they do indicate that you are not ready to swing.

IMHO, your second question bothers me the most:

Will she start seeing them on the side?

This may be unpopular to say but the fact that you even ask this question indicates to us that you have some work to do in the trust and communication departments before taking even the smallest step further.

Go slow - and have fun!
Bob (and Sandy)

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by bobandsandy
This may be unpopular to say but the fact that you even ask this question indicates to us that you have some work to do in the trust and communication departments before taking even the smallest step further.

Go slow - and have fun!
Bob (and Sandy)

I don't think it is an unpopular thing to say, Bob (and Sandy), and if so, it shouldn't be. However, another thought as I made mention of in my first post is simply the realization that one's spouse/SO can be attractive to others. I think most of us get into that complacency thing in long-term relationships...not recognizing the tremendously good person we have beside us all the time. You know...kind of along the lines of the "grass is always greener" and suddenly you realize your yard has the greenest grass in the neighborhood!

Just a thought - EBF

[VegasLee]

I personally believe your reaction is very normal.

I feel like a very lucky man because men are after Laura all the time, she has chosen to be with me.

I play kissy on her all the time, whether she has been playing with someone else or not.

Many think we are newly weds when the fact is we are not married and have raised six kids together yet the excitement and newness of our relationship never seems to end.

Everyday with her is special to me. I think the lifestyle has added something. It has opened my eyes to just how special she really is to me. Makes me want her more all the time. All the attention she receives from others just enforces that.

I am never concerned about others being "better", they are just different. I know that she goes home with me no matter what happens at a club or party.

Keep hugging up and playing kissy face with her all the time, it makes life great!

[sexyRus_inMass]

Originally posted by VegasLee
Keep hugging up and playing kissy face with her all the time, it makes life great!

Ain't that the truth!

[newgentry]

As usual, the thoughts and advice on this board are well-reasoned and appreciated more than you guys can possibly realize. I thought I'd respond to just a couple of the comments. Sexypairca, you recommended discussing boundaries with this couple in a sober setting. Well, that happened the next day too as well. We called them just to make sure that they were OK with everything and had a great conversation with them as well. All 4 of us agreed that while it had been fun that ground rules were an absolute necessity, along with only 1/3 the alcohol next time HA. So we agreed that the next time we get together we'll talk BEFORE anything happens and rope out the boundaries. Bob and Sandy, I take your advice to heart as well and thank you for it. Do I seriously think that my wife would leave me or start something on the side? When I take a breath and calm down about it, absolutely not. We've been together for 9 wonderful years, and there's never been a hint, not one hint, on the part of either of us that we could or would ever stray. As the others pointed out, I think that what I was feeling was the natural byproduct of an incredibly unusual and unanticipated situation that basically just started my neurons jangling all over the place. With talking and communication I think everything will be fine. That being said, however, I fully realize that we are doing the effective equivalent of walking around with a live bomb in our hands - one wrong move, or walk too fast with it, and it could blow up in our faces. Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to respond - you've helped immeasurably and I truly appreciate it.

[sexypairca]

I'm glad that you were able to discuss things with the other couple right away. Sounds like you are all on the right track . Have fun with it.

Annette

[mrbandsatl]

It sounds like you have a great relationship. Good luck to you guys and have a great time!

B+S

[Maus-Katz]

.... fell into this lifestyle before we really discussed it. We certainly did discuss it afterwards and set some pretty firm groundrules (thread here) One of the things that I felt important was that it remain open (same room, etc) and this may in part be a way to deal with any possible jealousy that might arise; as long as I'm there or involved, it's an "us" experience, not a "her" experience. Perhaps this isn't the best way for everybody to approach this, but I think it'll work for us. L has offered to "share" me out to her girlfriend, but I refused because even with her permissin, I felt that it would be too much like cheating. Anyway, that's my 2.4 cents. soapbox

M