Interested but worried about what happens after the first time

[wolvocouple2]

hi we are a new and very nervy cpl who are not really sure where this is going to take us we have gone on a few sites and chatted to a few cpls but never took it any further. would like to find out how cpls coped after the first time thay took it further as this is what really scares us and dont want to wreck a good loving marrige. although we do fantasies about it together we are afraid that if we took it further and it all went wrong we would end up hateing each other and wishing we had not done it.

[twoferfun69]

Welcome to the board!

The best advice I can give, is communicate. Read as much as you can here, as there is a lot of advice from a lot of wonderful people who have been thru a lot of the same stuff we are going thru..... we are still newbies, and still learning.
Spoomonkey says it best, run at the pace of the slowest person. Talk about things before they happen, as they happen, and after they happen.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!!

[Alcpl45]

hey we know what you are feeling we are also new to this and want get all info we can thank a lot

[WesternSwing]

Welcome wolvocouple2. First, start at the Swinger Advice section where there is a wealth of knowledge about swinging and common issues. And feel free to join the conversations and ask us anything.

I can tell you that swinging has made our already great relationship even better. We have been described by our friends as having the happiest relationship they know. Even today one of our coworkers said just that. We are so much closer now and we communicate better then I ever thought possible. I won't lie and tell you we didn't have to overcome some issues at first (well, mostly me ), but it was nothing we couldn't do. And I'm glad we did.

Mr. WS

[wolvocouple2]

thanks for all the great advice. we do talk quiet alot and are very open about what each other think they could or could not do or cope with the other doing, but the main question that we both have is how we will feel about each other after and if we will cope having to look at each other in a completely different way. as we have a young family it is very important we dont do something that will hurt it. a relative of ours has had 2 experiences and it has made their relationship spiral out and are on the verge of breaking up as it has caused so much bad feeling between them, they decided the way they wanted to go and chose to start with sharing with a single male while they totally enjoyed and loved the experience it has had a knock on effect and they are at each others throats all the time and it has been brought up in an arguement in a hurtful way. so as you can imagine it has made us rethink our own situation.

[She_n_Jaybee]

Originally Posted by wolvocouple2

thanks for all the great advice. we do talk quiet alot and are very open about what each other think they could or could not do or cope with the other doing, but the main question that we both have is how we will feel about each other after and if we will cope having to look at each other in a completely different way. as we have a young family it is very important we dont do something that will hurt it. a relative of ours has had 2 experiences and it has made their relationship spiral out and are on the verge of breaking up as it has caused so much bad feeling between them, they decided the way they wanted to go and chose to start with sharing with a single male while they totally enjoyed and loved the experience it has had a knock on effect and they are at each others throats all the time and it has been brought up in an arguement in a hurtful way. so as you can imagine it has made us rethink our own situation.

The deciding factor on how it will affect you afterwards is what each of your personal reasons are for going into your first encounter. If each of you is looking at the encounter as a chance to have sex with someone other than your partner, then it could very well turn out badly. If, however, you are each looking at it as an opportunity for your partner to discover new pleasures, then you might be on the right track. I (Jaybee) have had swing adventures with several short term relationships. None of them lasted, however, the swinging was never the cause. The relationships were flawed from the start and doomed to fail. With She (who I hope to spend the rest of my life with) I brought up the subject before our first date. She let me know that she had often fantasized not only about swinging, but about being with another woman. Within 6 weeks of our first date, she had her first swinging and her first bisexual experience. Since then, we've had several other experiences and our love for each other keeps growing. We talk about our experiences, relive them, talk about things that could have been better, etc. There have been a few instances where she gave much more than she received and felt a bit short changed. But these things happen from time to time and the next time usually makes up for it.

Good luck with whatever your decision!

[CplUndercover]

Boy, so much went through my head when I read your question. We decided to give swinging a try about 4 or 5 months ago, after 18 years of monogamous marriage. It has made us so close that I now have trouble remembering what it was like to be a typical couple. I can tell you only what we have discovered about ourselves, but the main thing is that if you have a solid relationship now; it will only get better through swinging! That is because the real treat in all this comes from the increased honesty, communication skills and self-confidence you will develop from your experiences. This, by-the-way, translates into the best lovemaking you and your significant other will ever have, but it happens after the swinging encounters! You will never find someone who can push your buttons like the one you love.

That being said, here are a couple situations we found ourselves dealing with;
We developed set boundaries before our first “club” visit and thought of every situation; Wrong. We focused so much on figuring out what level of sexual contact each of us was comfortable with that we did leave something out, simple touching and kissing. On our third or fourth visit to the club, we were finishing up in one of the “play” rooms with another couple and my wife offered to run to the bar for some waters for all of us. Simple enough, but on the way home she told me that the bartender had given her a kiss (not just a peck on the cheek mind you, tongue and all)! That really bothered me even though I had just watched her go oral on another man. Funny what can bother you sometimes… It came down to the fact that something had happened between her and someone else without being forewarned or me knowing. It made no difference that it was only a kiss, I felt cheated on for just an instant.

Another thing that recently occurred was with a couple we are very close to. We have even discussed going “all the way” with them. Currently we are what you call “soft swap; touching and oral” only. She had said that while she really liked the other couple's guy, she was not quite ready to go further yet and would let me know when she was. Well, we ended up in a nice hotel room that had two twin beds in it. Things got started with everyone on one bed, but then we split off into the two beds. About half an hour into things, I glanced over to my wife and it really looked like she was going “all the way”! Even though we had talked about the possibility, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach because she had told me it wouldn’t happen yet. That sort of thing is a big step for us and I was not mentally ready. Turns out she was not doing what I thought and quite literally had everything in hand= LOL.

The point of all this is that you have to be ready for things to happen (or look like they did) that you did not plan on happening. How you deal with these issues will determine if you are, in fact, in a strong relationship with solid communication skills. In our case, these situations have made us stronger because we have touched the deepest parts of our insecurities and survived. The steep learning curve is worth it!

Enjoy the adventure, but don’t forget that there is no such thing as an adventure without risk!
Let us know how things turn out...

[cih]

My husband and I have been interested in the life for awhile now, but just last night had our first experiance. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Actually for some strange reason, it makes me want him more than ever..Don't know why that is But anyway, it was not anything as I thought it would be, it was actually very enjoyable for both of us. Just make sure you talk about how you feel, be completely open with eachother and honest and it should all be ok. We also set up some ground rules that make us more confortable. Discuss if you should have ground rules, a safe word, ect..for things that make you unconfortable. Most important, trust each other and see it as it is...SEX...Nothing personal, not lifetime relationships, just fun and enjoying each other and others for a period of time and you should be just fine....

[janaandjames]

my recommendation for newbies
is to not start out with full swap, or even sex.
start out with something you know for sure you can handle ... perhaps just touching other partners, kissing etc.,
go gradually.
no need to rush, and the building up to it can be fun too
jana

[wolvocouple2]

thanks to all of your supurb replys they have helped heps and have really made us look at us and the reasons for us wanting to go on this sexual adventure, we are finally talkin even having heated chats on the hole idea and getting to know our bounderies . We have been chattin about going to a club to see wheather it is what we really want to venture into or just a fantacy that is best kept as that so if any one out there has some advice about clubs and how you think about them been used by first timers. We are worried about getting there and a cpl chatting us up an then making them feel like shit if we get cold feet it just seems unfair on the other cpl.

although we are a loving cpl we have our peoblems and i(female)am very wary as i feel that it may add to our problems and make it harder to climb out of our probs.

[janaandjames]

We are worried about getting there and a cpl chatting us up an then making them feel like shit if we get cold feet it just seems unfair on the other cpl.


i would say dont worry about that at all.
its really not a big deal if you "back out"
you dont have to do anything at all, and just chatting at a club, might be all you want to do .. and thats ok



although we are a loving cpl we have our peoblems and i(female)am very wary as i feel that it may add to our problems and make it harder to climb out of our probs.

it could add to your problems, .. but one thing for sure, it wont fix problems ..
so dont go into it thinking it will somehow make things better ..
just take things real slow, only do what youre absolutely comfortable with
jana

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by wolvocouple2

We have been chattin about going to a club to see wheather it is what we really want to venture into or just a fantacy that is best kept as that so if any one out there has some advice about clubs and how you think about them been used by first timers. We are worried about getting there and a cpl chatting us up an then making them feel like shit if we get cold feet it just seems unfair on the other cpl.

although we are a loving cpl we have our peoblems and i(female)am very wary as i feel that it may add to our problems and make it harder to climb out of our probs.

Every couple you'll meet were firstimers and newbies one time, everyone of us had these fears. You have to be honest about yourselves and your fears with the other couples to make it fair for them. You may tell them you're not sure and need a slow approach, and even that you're not up to do something right now. We all like to discuss and set up our limits beforehand, and adjust our expectations with the third ones involved limits, and the limits may vary from couple to couple. Some seeks for intercourse, some doesn't, some may be up to do oral, some don't. Your limits falls into the known valid limits among swingers couples, so no one have to feel them "unfair".

Some couples may leave because they want for action now, but I think most couples will give you some of their time to talk with you about this issues and get to know each other. You may find out couples that are in the same stage and page than yourselves. For sure, all the couples will appreciate the honest approach.

Regarding your current problems, it isn't clear for me how related these are with this fantasy. I am sure all the couples here have their own problems and issues (we have owrs), but most of these aren't related with swinging, and swinging (taken as an activity done to enhance your marriage sexuality) reinforce the bounds and help address or overcome the other problems.

But if the problems have to do with this fantasy (for example, if some of you feels unable to please the other and then agree on this to "overcome" the problem), or if you're trying to do this as a way to solve other issues, then this would be a really bad idea.

[She_n_Jaybee]

If you've read my posts (and aren't completely sick of them), you'll notice I keep coming back to the clubs theme. We think they are a great way to venture into this lifestyle. You don't have to worry about offending others if you have cold feet. You can sit back watch, have whatever level of involvement you desire and are comfortable with and everyone is fine with that. The other route is to meet up with another couple in the area. My problems with that as an introduction are: 1. What if there is only a one-way attraction there? Can lead to hurt feelings and awkardness. 2. If you get cold feet can hurt feelings. The other couple might have expectations and may have passed up other opportunities for you. 3. You're on someone's home turf. This can make the visitors a bit uncomfortable and can make the hosts feel an extra obligation even if they have no real interest.

The club puts you on a more level field. You're not obligated to anyone and there are plenty of options.

[janaandjames]

There is a fine line someplace about expectations.
when we were looking for singles guys for MFM, i would feel that if we actually met, i was obligated to let him have his way with me .. took some reassurances and meeting a couple of jerks to get over that
but as long as you are honest, youre never obligated..



. What if there is only a one-way attraction there? Can lead to hurt feelings and awkardness.

yes, i think everyone needs to watch their feelings, and not expect too much ... there are people who will use that to try to manipulate you,
if you get uncomfortable and want to back out, the others should be understanding ... of course, one should back out with tact ...


2. If you get cold feet can hurt feelings. The other couple might have expectations and may have passed up other opportunities for you.

thats just the chance they took to talk to you
not your problem


3. You're on someone's home turf. This can make the visitors a bit uncomfortable and can make the hosts feel an extra obligation even if they have no real interest.

true, theres that fine line again ...

jana

[She_n_Jaybee]

Originally Posted by janaandjames

There is a fine line someplace about expectations.
when we were looking for singles guys for MFM, i would feel that if we actually met, i was obligated to let him have his way with me .. took some reassurances and meeting a couple of jerks to get over that
but as long as you are honest, youre never obligated..

Jana,

While I agree with you in principle, I'm looking at this from the newbie viewpoint. If their first experience isn't at least decent, it could be their last experience. All of us that have met someone in person we first met online recognize one basic truth; people seldom live up to their online persona. I've been meeting people from online contacts for 15 years (starting with local BBS groups in San Diego in '91), maybe as many as 1000 people. OUt of those, maybe 5% exceeded my expectations, another 15% met, or came close to them. If that first "meet & greet", I went to so long ago, hadn't gone well, it would probably have been my last.

So, I still believe the club route is a gentler introduction to swinging than one-on-one (technically either 2 on 2, or 1 on 1 on 1 on 1 facelick ).

jaybee