Guidelines for the "Morning After"

[Linda]

I had one mfm experience with my ex-husband that was a complete disaster because he believed I did something differently with the other man than I did with him and he freaked out about it. I am now re-married and have a loving, secure relationship and feel ready to try again. Keep in mind my previous experience was about 8 years ago and we went into it without any ground rules, with the exception that we would not use the experience against one another, no matter what.

So how do you handle the "morning after" if you feel hurt or angry about something that happened while sharing yourselves with others? What are some groundrules for working through these feelings so that you can each grow from the experience? And how do you ensure that each partner stick to the rules?

[CandTinLorainCo]

Communication, communication, COMMUNICATION!!! Honestily,without it you are going to be hurt,mad,upset,uneasy,not sure,afraid,etc.... you should be able to talk about everything and anything that happens with either one of you in life or this "lifestyle" if not perhaps re-think it as this may not be for you yet.

-T

[CandTinLorainCo]

Btw......... Welcome to board Linda. We hope you find the board very informative and enjoyful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts nad opinions on other posts and questions you may have as you begin your journey.

-C

[SexhoundDog]

Linda,
The 2 best pieces of advice I can give you are
1) does your new husband know you're interested in trying this again and is he also?
2) if the answer if yes, let him read the post you just did and talk about it. It's pretty inclusive of most of what can get people into trouble.

Much better luck this time around!

[JustAskJulie]

The biggest thing here, I think, is to make sure that you have discussed EVERY possible situation in advance and based your rules on those situations. If there is something that one of you feels they may not be comfortable with then don't do it. Even with that sometimes you don't know how you will feel until you are actually in the situation. So what happens then? If something happens while you are swinging that either of you is not comfortable with then the one who is uncomfortable needs to stop things and discuss it THEN, don't wait till the morning after to discover that someone wasn't comfortable or was unhappy the night before.

Remember the old adage "don't go to bed angry". Well that applies here too, don't go to bed that night until you have discussed how you both feel about what happened. Hopefully, it will be a happy discussion and not an upset one. And again, if there's a problem stop and discuss as the problem occurs don't wait until it's too late to do anything about it.

[northindycpl]

Julie is right on the money.

Take the time to work out every possible scenerio you can imagine-before you get into it. Since you have a bit more experience involved in a situation, then you might want to discuss your previous situation with your new spouse. (NOt names or activities, but feelings) You can have a conversation like that without making the other spouse feel odd.

Maybe you two should start a bit slower, with just maybe soft swap and see how that goes, before going further.

Mr. Indy and I spent time a club watching specific situations before we started in the lifestyle so that we could take about things we saw and how we would react if it were happening to our spouse.

Mr. Indy and I also would make time to discuss everything right after we got finished playing. Everything was right there in our minds and all of our feelings were forefront.

Making sure that each partner has absolute veto power, without explaination as well as having signals between you to get you out of any uncomfortable situation immediately so you can talk is a good idea.

Trust, respect and communication. Take it slow and go into everything with the expectation that you are there to build and solidify your marriage not sinply have sex with others and you should be fine.

Welcome to the board, BTW. It is great to have you hear. I think you have a lot of insight and make a great addition!

[Linda]

Thanks for the the great replies. My new husband knows of my interest and my past experience. He shares my interest and my concerns. We want to make sure that if we do go for this, that we don't have a similar experience to the one I had with my ex. Even when you discuss everything imaginable, you don't really know how you will react until it happens. I thought my ex and I had a solid agreement that we would not blame each other or use anything against one another. He didn't hold his end of the bargain, so I would like to know what people on the board do to keep their commitment to their rules and agreements. Granted, my ex was an asshole who believed that rules applied to everyone but himself, so there is no "regulating" someone like that and I should have known better. Thankfully, my new hubby is a gem!

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by Linda

I thought my ex and I had a solid agreement that we would not blame each other or use anything against one another. He didn't hold his end of the bargain, so I would like to know what people on the board do to keep their commitment to their rules and agreements.

I'm curious as well.

Sweet

[good times]

As others have said, good communication with each other is very important. Being able to communicate with each other about our feelings in a non combative way allows us to resolve any issues that might crop up.

I think one of the main reasons we have never experianced anything like this is that when it comes to sexual play, we don't have any rules or boundries. After reading this and discussing it together, we have come to the conclusion that we can't think of anything one of us could do with a sexual partner that would bother the other in the least. We are in this to have fun, so if it feels good, we encourage each other to go for it.

[SBcpl]

Originally Posted by good times

... I think one of the main reasons we have never experianced anything like this is that when it comes to sexual play, we don't have any rules or boundries. ....

Yes! That approach seems to be working very well for us too. Our first MFM was pretty gut-wrenching for me (although A really enjoyed it ), but our subsequent ones have been extremely intense and hot, but not nearly as torturous for me.
~ B ~

[Atilla]

We tend to revel in the excitement from the night before. Touching, teasing each other, kind of a continuation of the previous evenings events.

We do NOT compare how she was or how he was. No questions such as "was he better than me" are allowed. They are just going to cause trouble.

Communication is definately the key and make sure you're both clear on not only your rules but your playmates rules too.

[cuteIDcouple]

Since our MFM experiences have far outnumbered the FMF I have had to deal with more issue than the MRS ... we have had our share so far of rough moments after the fact. (we have been issue free the last few times yeah)

One thing we agreed on was unless there were something that was just to painful to endure we would not kill the moment by discussing issues right then (this has worked for us) we DO however discuss it the same night.

The best advice I can give and something we have learned in dealing with each others issues is to never take a defensive stance when your SO is discussing how they felt about an issue .. after-all it is their feelings even if what happen was taken wrong and was not intended, that still does not change the fact they felt a certain way ... I have found I react better and get over things much easier when the MRS is sensitive to those feelings and is apologetic when she tells me that wasn't what she intended to do, while still being able to explain her side if I may have miss interpreted things.

On the other hand there have been a few times when she immediately threw up a defense because she wasn't this or didn't mean that which makes me feel as if I had no right to have an issue. In those situations our issues didn't get resolved very quickly

As an example ...

One time during a portion of a mfm session the guy pulled the MRS up onto his lap, he was on our couch and she straddled his lap as he caressed her. They were both naked and we had discussed earlier this guy's desire to poke around her pussy without a condom was not something we were comfortable with. So I was not comfortable with their position but I had to remind myself the guy was totally soft and most likely not even touching her pussy.

However the bigger issue with this was for the past 9yrs I had on numerous attempts tried to pull the MRS into that exact position and she always refused, wouldn't do it. So when I saw her do this so easily with another man it was not very easy for me to watch.

When we discussed it later that night she immediately said she was sorry and the thought never crossed her mind and didn't mean to hurt me, and with that she then gave her side of it ... she let me know that with us there is such a familiarity that we need to break out of (meaning it's so easy to say no if something is uncomfortable between the tow of us) but with new people there is a sense of higher expectations and with all the excitement it's soooo much easier to let go of those inhibitions.

She now LOVES to crawl into my lap as I show her my love for her, but if she would have responded in a defensive manner things would have been a lot harder to work through.

Hope that made sense ... ;-)

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by cuteIDcouple

... One thing we agreed on was unless there were something that was just to painful to endure we would not kill the moment by discussing issues right then (this has worked for us) we DO however discuss it the same night....

We like this so well that we're stealing it!

Hope that made sense ... ;-)

Absolutely! Thanks for a great post.

-B