Dealing with feelings

[Bigun]

Well, we did our first full swap last night.

And I'm having mixed feelings.

It was fun and all, but I feel as if a little part of me was taken away. My wife had never been with another guy till last night, and I had never been with another woman since we've been together. So I've been dealing with a little bit of guilt, but guilt of what I'm still not sure of. Does anyone know where I'm coming from?

[HotMoCpl]

Your asking the wrong people. Ask her. Remember? Communication.
Cheers.

[Bigun]

I have (what little one could talk about on a weekday night before getting up 5:30 in the morning).

[misterbates]

Yes..I can Relate...

I think most of us went through that in the beginning...

But you know what?

You both have shared something that a majority of the couples out there never will experience...

Yes..you may not have that "exclusive" thing anymore...but you have shared something that most will never know...

It's not about having sex with other people..It's about sharing these adventures with the one that you love the most.....

That to me is way better than any exclusive sexual relationship....

So talk to each other about it and relive it with each other....

But remember...no matter what happened..you still went home with each other

Mr B facelick

[SexhoundDog]

Bigun,

I suppose that could be a natural feeling the first time. Perhaps you feel that you've somehow cheated on her, but you haven't if you didn't force her to partake.

How does your wife feel about it? She's the one who had never had another man. Perhaps you both feel that you've given something of yourself that you'd reserved only for yourselves to other people.

Personally, I think it speaks to the strength in your marriage. You weren't afraid to give yourselves to others because you know you'd come back to one another. I look at it this way. You gave her a gift of getting to indulge a fantasy of being with another guy. Let's face it, we've all thought about having sex with someone else, and if your wife had never been with another guy, you can bet she's always wondered. Now she doesn't have to.

You gave her a chance to find out, a gift not many guys would give their wife. And when the party was over, who did she come home with?

I thought so. Talk about it with her, tell her you love her more than words can say, and I bet the guilt will quickly go away.

[CowboyBob]

Originally Posted by Bigun

Well, we did our first full swap last night.

And I'm having mixed feelings.

It was fun and all, but I feel as if a little part of me was taken away. My wife had never been with another guy till last night, and I had never been with another woman since we've been together. So I've been dealing with a little bit of guilt, but guilt of what I'm still not sure of. Does anyone know where I'm coming from?

Guilt is an amazing thing. Nothing else can make us feel bad for having fun. Some possible reasons:

1. You had sex with someone other than your wife. You're SUPPOSED to feel guilty, according to "polite society."

2. Your wife had sex with someone else. You're SUPPOSED to be pissed off by that, according to polite society, and the fact that you're not makes you feel like something's wrong with you.

3. You both have gone against the demands of "Polite society" which requires exclusivity between a husband and wife.

4. You had fun. Life is serious business. According to "polite society," you're not supposed to have fun. Especially when it comes to S-E-X.

Notice I'm emphasizing what "polite society" expects. When that differs from what our own private expectations are, guilt usually ensues. When I first got into the lifestyle, my biggest guilt problem was #2. I felt like I was supposed to feel like a sleazebag, but all I could think about was, "when can we do it again?" I finally got over it when I figured out it wasn't "polite society's" business what I do in my private life. It might sound like "if it feels good do it" morality, which again, "polite society" frowns upon. I prefer to think of it as, "Don't let anyone else decide for me what I can like and enjoy. I'm a grownup and I can decide for myself how to live my life."

As far as the matter of your wife's being only with you until last night, that is in fact a rare achievement. But since you planned and discussed this beforehand, I'm presuming you both thought about what this would mean. Your record of exclusivity was apparently something that was worth sacrificing for the sake of what? Satisfying curiosity? Injecting a little excitement into your sex life together? Enjoying the chance to be "bad?" (Everybody likes doing that, just a little bit. Crossing against the light, stealing office supplies, swapping spouses). What did you GAIN by swinging?

One thing I gained was a sense of confidence that my wife and I have a strong enough relationship to do this sort of thing and still be together.

I'd say talk to your wife and share some of these guilt feelings. before you can address them you need to figure out exactly what's causing them. It might be something as simple as letting "polite society" down. Well, to hell with that.

[Alura]

Dito to CowboyBob! I'd also add that this feeling will lessen with each experience. My advice is to do it again.

Mr. Alura

[intuition897]

I (Mrs. intuition) had reservations about giving up the sexual exclusivity in our marriage. I guess I somehow felt that it would change the way we felt about one another. True, it IS something that you have to give up, but I was pleasantly surprised that our feelings for one another had only increased! Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. My husband and I have enjoyed the benefits of the elimination (or at least NEAR elimination) of jealousy, better communication, and the knowledge that your spouse loves you for YOU, not for the sex that you can provide. I think all we were really giving up was the right to say that our marriage was 'virgin'. Big deal.

[WesternSwing]

I understand what you are saying. I also had feelings of something being taken away from me for the first couple times we swung with others. It was "our" special thing and now we were sharing it with others. I didn't even know I'd feel that way. But I know it had to do with my first wife cheating on me with a couple of men and leaving me for one of them. In a sense the exclusivity between us was taken away, but like intuition897 said, other areas of our marriage got so much better that it filled in any emotional void I felt because of it. Our communication is better, we truly know how and why we love eachother. We are closer now then ever.

Mr. WS

[Brynna]

You know this is the only real fear I have about swapping. I am afraid that it will make my husband feel like we have lost something...or that I have. He and I have very open communication but I dont know if he could communicate that feeling.

[EvilMJ]

I remember our first swing experience. It was filled with emotional ups and downs. PRobably because we swapped in separate rooms (something we have decided never to do again).

We both felt a little strange at first, however after a little time alone we were able to work past those feelings and realize that swinging (for us, I can't speak for others) is recreational sex, just for fun. What we have is love. In fact after we started to swing I realized how lucky I am to have the wonderful husband I do, and how much I love him.

I can't relate to the not being with someone else situation that you have to deal with , as I have had many boyfriends before I got married, and I am my hubby's second wife. Maybe that made things easier for us.

Good luck.. if you just remind each other how much in love you are I think you will be fine... otherwise, you could always take a break or slow things down until you work thinks out.

[northindycpl]

After our first 'experience' I had miixed feelings, too. I do not think Mr. Indy did, or atleast he didn't discuss them with me.

I am Catholic, and the negitivity and guilt I felt afterwards was tremendous! I felt like I was going to hell for sure, as I had no way to repent (I wasn't about to go to confession for this one!!!) I also felt like I was in someway Cheating, or breaking the rules.

It also wasn't what I expected it to be. I was disappointed. It was a MMF and I felt like I had to work so hard! I had fantasized that it would be all about me, and to a degree I was the center of attention, however, it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for.

I was also concerned that Mr. Indy would be jealous. I do not think that I ever let myself go, for fear of his jealousy. There were times during the evening that he was jealous, but I think I amplified it tremendously in my mind. All and all however, I wasn't prepared to get back into the saddle again for awhile.

It took me a lot of time to evaluate my feelings on the event. Talking to Mr. Indy about it, and reading others opinions of their first's help me too. I think everyone goes through unplanned emotions, often. The one thing I learned that helps everytime, is communication with my husband, continually.

I talk to him often, especially before a big night. We discuss everything we can think of, every scenerio, every action, etc...

A good friend recently said to me that you are only as comfortable as your least comfortable spouse. Mr. Indy is an expert on making me feel comfortable, and judging the situation. I am probably the least comfortable spouse in our marriage, so he constantly makes sure I am ok. I also know that if for whatever reason I am not ok. I tell him and it is over, no questions asked. I don't care if he is in mid stroke having the time of his life, he will get me and we will talk or leave. I do the same for him. We have very good rules and we stick with them. Always.

It works for us!

[confunktion]

It happens to a lot of us, and the guilt can linger a bit. Did you talk with your wife a little more in-depth since? How did she feel?

When Mrs. Funk and I have a little get-together (pun intended), we always talk about it later and maybe for days afterward. We did that the first time, and we made sure that both of our needs were taken care of and that we had fun. When that was established, the guilt gave way to excitement and anticipation for the next time. Ever since, the guilt doesn't come back...only the concern for the other's well-being. The difference between hot, fun sex and intimate lovemaking is well-defined for both of us, so guilt has been kicked out and won't be let back in.

Communicate with each other if you haven't already - it makes a huge difference.

Mr. Funk
Listening To The "Swingers" Soundtrack, Believe It Or Not

[flutterbudget]

When I was "swinging" as a single woman (can single people swing?)... I had a LOT of guilt. Do nice girls do this, etc. But when we decided to swing as a married couple, I found there was no guilt at all. The only person it concerned was my husband and we were in it together. It was a huge difference in feeling.

flutter

[Chemistry_0518]

We also agree that the first feeling may not be unusual, but when you think about it, is it REALLY a sense of loss? You have entered a new world, one in which you must react in a slightly different manner. Jealousy is dead. In it's place you have an opportunity to share someting unique. Something that still remains exclusive to you despite the fact that it may include other individuals. in your communications with each other, you support each other. ensuring that each achieves satisfation not only for yourself, but for your SO. Did you enjoy hearing her cries of ecstasy as she was entered? Wasn't it delightful to see the look of pleasure on his face as she devoured him? These are the things that will still remain exclusive to the two of you. So do not despair that you have lost exclusivity, but rejoice in the fact that you have achieved a new one.