Well, I thought I would join in here, although I just usually read and not post at all. I ‘was’ in the lifestyle a long time ago and have a lot of stories and memories of the participation(s) I had over the years.
I’m almost 80 now but was active when in my 30's and on. As an avid people student, I saw a lot of the kind of issues that have been spoken of in these posts on this poll.
Without getting into any personal details, I can speak with some authority on this topic.
I won’t say ‘swinging’ caused my divorce since it didn’t. What it did is uncover a long hidden personality trait that became the root cause of the divorce.
I feel that anyone who gets involved with this lifestyle should FIRST address this common personality trait individually and, especially, TRUTHFULLY. It’s what I call my “look at yourself in the mirror” moment/exercise. One MUST be absolutely honest with themselves first about all the characteristics that make them up -and- essentially, what and why they want to engage in the lifestyle. While it may seem simple, it is not. It requires deep searching and full frontal examination of why one wants to swing. For most men, it may be no more than, simply, “I get to fuck a lot of women”. What those men may not realize is that his partner also “gets to fuck a lot of men”. I, personally, witnessed at least two occasions where the male came upon his wife/girlfriend/partner coming to full climax with someone other than him. In both cases, the male ‘freaked’ out and pulled her up and dragged her off and away/out from the party. In several instances, I saw women break out in tears when they witnessed their man fucking their brains out and climaxing with another woman. From what I have read on this site, a lot of that has changed in this current day; men (and women) are turned on by seeing their mate reaching the fullest height of a sexual encounter. What a marvelous, open way to share!
Only after this personal cauterization can one hope to honestly communicate with their partner when exploring the lifestyle. But, trust me, if it has been an honest search for one’s personal position, the melding of the two of you is a LOT easier.
The personality trait (you thought I’d never get to it, didn’t you) is – INSECURITY!
Insecurity within oneself leads to all sorts of problems; the largest one being JEALOUSY. But beyond jealousy, insecurity can erode and undermine all aspects of a relationship. And it doesn’t have to be overt (and usually isn’t); it can lead to snide remarks, unnecessary questions, probing insinuations, long stares, ominous pauses and silences, and outright frostiness. If challenged, there is instant denial and backpedaling. Often, as in my case, it doesn’t come into major play until there is a perceived threat to the relationship. But once it is exposed and out in the open, it seeps everywhere into the crevices of daily interactions. And just as water seeps into cracks in rocks, freezes, and bursts the rock; insecurity can fracture the strongest relationship.
I realize that many social standards and mores have changed since I was active in the ‘scene’ and some of the conflicting issues that were prevalent in my time have become more passe in current climates. The younger set is more aware, and accepting, of ‘hooking up’; a casual sexual encounter; in my time referred to ‘a one night stand’. I think this is much better for the individuals involved as it lessens the likelihood of emotional involvement between swinging encounters. What made individuals gravitate to each other, fall in love, and make a lasting commitment to each other can endure such minor ‘bumps’. Having their own ‘history’ of ‘hooking up’ makes a more secure acceptance of the casual sex of swinging.
Once actually in the ‘scene’, the couple can encounter situations that would never occur in other ‘normal’ social settings. Those can trigger unknown insecurities; “is he bigger than me?”; “are hers bigger than mine? (a threat only if the man is a ‘boob’ man)”; “is she prettier than me”; the list of questions one can generate from insecurities is endless (you can fill in your own here). Only those who are secure in themselves and the relationship can withstand those inevitable thoughts and worries.
I’m very sure that the majority of those who answered the poll with comments have already made those ‘mirror’ exercises themselves and have reached a plateau with their mates so they can openly enjoy their swinging encounters; each couple in their own way.
Sex, as we all know, is one of the major driving forces of our lives; shared without reservation is the peak of the lifestyle.
So, bottom line, know yourself, know your partner, keep your heart open, and enjoy their pleasures.
