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sweetmelissa

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About sweetmelissa

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 09/01/1966

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    Central Florida
  • Interests
    Water skiing and boating, martial arts, golf for him, the beach!
  • Occupation
    Professional-consultant

Swinger Info

  • SLS Name
    sweetmelissa

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  1. Just adding my two cents: As the female half of a soft-swap couple - bi- bicurious or whatever you want to call me- I believe in our case the reason we end up in many of these "girl-girl" encounters is because they are less threatening to couples like us who have soft-swap rules. The thing is, sometimes flirting with full-swap couples you can feel pressured, or like you "aren't good enough" for them. So while we might want more contact for my hubby (oral definitely), he often ends up on the sidelines because that is where the comfort level is for the other couples in the room. My husband is certainly not a "jealous, controlling husband who wants to boink other women/ or who wants a girlie show because that doesn't threaten him" as described in ANGEDKY's previous post. As a matter of fact, we started out with him encouraging me into these encounters, only to find out I really liked the bi-female contact, so now we naturally gravitate toward couples who have similar interests. Incidentally, we are the couple where my husband is now interested in going further than I am right now, because he is understandably tired of sitting on the sidelines. Funny, many of you who responded to my post sympathizing with his viewpoint also posted on this thread saying you had noticed this trend toward bi-female play and many of you seemed annoyed by it. Interesting....
  2. Thanks to everyone for all the great advice... My husband and I had a talk today about this and interestingly enough, he compared it to a delicious-looking chocolate cake (many of you used the eating/candy metaphor, funny, no?). The cake is sitting on the counter and yes, you can look at it, but no, you can't have a piece. And I'm eating the cake in front of him.... Or, he asked me when I'm eating chocolate, how do I know when to stop? So I appreciate every comment from all of you, maybe I can see things more from his point of view now. Sounds like we just need to take a break, do some heavy-duty communicating, and before we try any swing activity again (if we do) have a really good understanding of what the other person wants/needs going in. I guess I thought we had all this because other areas of our marriage are very solid. While we did initially, it seems his perspective has changed as he has been feeling left out and wants more, which now I can see after reading all your posts! Incidentally, since I told him my concerns about his "short fuse" and suggested we stop at least for now, he has really been working on keeping better control on his emotions and we seem to be getting along better in general. I also have yet to have him read this post, but did tell him about it, and plan to show it to him so we can sit down and talk things over. thanks again y'all!
  3. I appreciate all the constructive comments from everyone-- but someone help me out here. Western Swing (above), you sound just like my husband when he is complaining about being left out! The fact is that many of the men in these situations seem to be perfectly happy watching the girls play and joining in with their own spouse as is appropriate. (In my opinion, those guys are lucky to be there and are truly living most men's fantasy anyway.) The fact is, I do not feel comfortable with full swap, maybe I never will, and pressure to full swap (from couples or my husband)is a big turnoff for me. He knows this and presses the issue anyway, usually hurting my feelings in the process. This is all really beside the point anyway, because the issue here is that various sources of his dissatisfaction (not always due to soft swap issues) are leading to conflict with my husband.
  4. OOPS, didn't proofread this first- in the first paragraph I meant to say that HE was originally the one interested in the lifestyle, and we attended parties as voyeurs for a while before I initiated our first hands-on experience.
  5. Hi everyone. First, I'd like to say this board is an AWESOME source of non-biased information about the lifestyle. Thank you to the organizers and people who post here! I need some advice- this is a complex situation so please read the whole post. My husband and I have been married for nearly 16 years, in the lifestyle for the past 1 1/2 years. We love each other very much and have always had a pretty good sex life outside the lifestyle. as originally the one interested, and we attended parties as voyeurs at first, then I initiated our first "real" experiences in the lifestyle out of curiosity and also the desire to please him. Things started out great- we both enjoyed our experiences and they added to our sex life at home- which was our true goal anyway. We have settled into a once-a-month swing experience schedule (usually a lifestyle party and we usually stay overnight) and have stayed at the soft-swap (oral) stage mostly because I feel that intercourse is very intimate and should be reserved for he and I alone. Here is my problem: Lately (say the last 4-5 months) he doesn't seem to be satisfied with the outcome of our swing experiences no matter what happens, and gets upset. Either he is "not involved enough" like when we end up in a mostly girl-girl situation and all the guys watch, or because we have to leave (we have children and not always overnight babysitting), or because we don't hook up with anyone for whatever reason, or once because there was a really obnoxious guy who wouldn't shut up the whole time and kept distracting everyone. The last time, we had a good experience with another couple (at least I thought so), but afterwards he started questioning me about why I won't full swap, because to him oral is just as intimate as intercourse, or so he says. He was also upset because I took a long time getting ready for the party (to me getting ready and looking sexy is also a turn-on) The bottom line is he seems to have a very short fuse and we tend to get into an argument regardless of how the evening ends up (sometimes the fight happens the next day). So instead of feeling closer to each other, the experience ends on a sour note for both of us. In my mind, this negates the whole reason we are supposed to be doing this, which is to bring us closer together. This last time, I told him I didn't want to do it (swing) anymore because it seems to be causing so many problems between us. However, I am conflicted because I DO enjoy many aspects of the lifestyle and it has brought us much pleasure in the past. He said Okay, but I can tell he is not happy with my decision, and to be truthful, I would really like to have some involvement in the lifestyle because it is fun and has brought us closer in the past. Please, has anyone else out there had a situation like this? Our marriage comes first always!!! I would like to continue with the lifestyle, is there a way to do it and also keep the peace? Help!!!
  6. Hi everyone, Just wanted to say thanks again for all the great advice and support, to both people who have posted on the board and those who have PMed me. I have been doing some real soul-searching for the last couple of weeks, and have yet to come to any real decision, but at least feel I understand myself and my feelings a lot better. For nymph and satyr, the answer is the big scarlet 'A", adultery. It is all in how you define adultery, but for the church anything outside your marriage qualifies. I am not really sure about all the rules myself, but I think even looking at porn or having thoughts of a sexual nature about others probably counts as adultery in the eyes of the church. So you see my dilemma, the church has a very narrow view about what is allowed for sex within marriage (is is really true the pope said only for procreation, even within marriage?), so I try to stay as ignorant as possible about the church's views so I don't have to feel guilty. However, it is impossible to do that (at least for me) now that we have graduated to soft-swing. OK, that probably sounds to most non-Catholics like I am burying my head in the sand, etc. Probably hard for non-Catholics to understand my thought process. But it's hard to get around all those years of Catholic school and strict family upbringing, ya know? I don't think a catharsis is in the cards for me, so I have to keep on soul-searching. I'll keep checking the thread if anyone has any more advice/thoughts to offer. thanks, Melissa
  7. Actually, I have always thought the biblical story of Creation was sort of the writer's way of explaining the beginning of the world, and not meant to be interpreted literally. I did a term paper in college on Creation vs. Evolution and came to the conclusion that man evolved from apes and the big bang really did happen, but God was behind the whole process. Who's to say that God didn't use a different method to create man, and Moses (said to be the writer of the first two books of the Bible I believe) just used that story to explain things in a way folks at that time could understand. Anyway, Catholics certainly don't spend as much time in the Bible as Protestants as a rule, and the majority of the sex= sin comes from Church TRADITION, not the Bible. My question has always been whether the Traditions came from, and whether they are to be followed to the letter, etc. Many of us are "cafeteria" Catholics who just take what they want to believe and forget the rest. I have never been one of those except when it comes to birth control, where I disagree with the church completely. For some reason, I feel OK about that whereas the swinging thing has me questioning myself. Double D, I have not talked to a priest yet because 1. I am afraid of what he will say and 2. I have been looking for one I feel comfortable talking to this about. Contrary to what you see on TV and movies, many Catholics no longer use the "confessional" method where you are behind a screen talking to the priest. I always go face-to- face. Hope this helps clarify some of my dilemma.
  8. Thanks again everyone! I have also had some of the same thoughts as Alura about the teachings of St. Paul. It seems like he is the one always pushing the sex= sin thing, and interestingly enough, his readings are more commonly read in Catholic Masses than any other writer of the New Testament, save only the Gospel writers. Please, keep posting your thoughts, as I am going to continue to monitor this thread. And yes, I am still hopeful of finding a priest I can talk to. I have met some very open-minded priests in my life, although admittedly none lately or in this area. Keep it comin'!
  9. Thanks SO MUCH to everyone for your advice, I certainly will check out the websites too. Any Catholic and swinger websites out there? I really feel better already just reading your responses. I guess the bottom line is I need to come to terms with this myself. My husband also is of the same mind as Cowboy Bob, and feels that many generations have had many interpretations of the Bible and Church tradition, and YES it has changed a lot over the past 2000 years. If you just look at the Vatican 2 doctrine (which I believe came down in the late 60s, since after I was born anyway), many of the rules concerning lay people's involvement in the Mass, getting rid of the Latin Mass, abstaining from meat every Friday, etc. have gone away. I have even heard some priests (OK, maybe just one) say that how you as an individual interpret the teachings on birth control determines whether it is OK for you or not. Any additional advice appreciated, I will continue to check this thread for responses. thanks!!!
  10. Hello there board, I need some advice, preferably from someone who has dealt with these kind of doubts before. First of all, some background info: Hubby and I have been married nearly 15 years, very stable, etc. We have been dabbling with swinging for a few years now, attending off premise parties and getting really hot sex at home as a result. This past fall, we took things to a new level (at my initiative) and went to an on-premise club. Since that time, we have joined a couple of websites and met several couples in our area, attended some parties, etc. We are at the soft-swap stage (oral) with no real intention of going any further, mainly because we are already getting out of it what we wanted, namely to spice up our own sex life at home. Our new experiences have been working wonders for us in our bedroom at home. Sounds great right? Yes and no, I am now in the midst of a moral crisis and need some good advice! Main problem, I am also religious, probably a lot more than hubby although we do attend church together with kids. I was brought up Catholic in a very religious family, with the whole guilt package included. So while it is very exciting to me to be sensual with another couple, I am also wondering in the back of my mind what kind of sins I am stacking up against myself. I feel like I am living some kind of double-life, and also feel like a real hypocrite. I really personally feel the flirting and touching is acceptable, but what about oral sex? Especially when the church teaches that anything sexual outside of marriage is a sin? Somehow I justified all of this before I was married (living with my husband), but now I seem to have doubts about all of this. I feel I should talk to a priest, but want to find one that is REALLY open-minded and young, not very common in our area! Please, if someone out there has had these kind of doubts, especially if you are Catholic, I need some advice. By the way, my hubby has no similar doubts, although he was also raised Catholic he is something of a "rebel" when it comes to religion. Please do not tell me to stop going to church or critique me for having these doubts, especially if you are not religious. This will not help me, and I am not going to stop being religious. Nor do I want to stop swinging, it has added so much to our marriage! Also, please do not write back and talk about priests molesting kids, that will not help me either, and is really apples and oranges, you know? Thanks for any advice, and for the record, I think this board is GREAT, especially for newbies getting into the lifestyle.
  11. Just FYI, you definitely CAN get herpes from oral sex. This happened to a friend whose boyfriend had a cold sore. She was completely baffled as to how she got it until the GYN told her you can get it orally. It is not quite as serious as the other type, but still incurable and a real nuisance.
  12. I have a question about the "towel thing"as well... I am also planning a first on premise club experience for me and my husband. I am looking at Trapeze in Fort Lauderdale, and have seen on other websites that they might require towel wear in the play rooms. Is this true and how does it work if so? They aren''t going to make me drop my panties at the door for the metal detector I hope. Has anyone been to Trapeze, what was the experience like? Please tell me what to expect as I really want this to be a positive experience for both of us! thanks!
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