Fundamental Law

Maybe this needs a separate thread: suppose that you and your s/o were writing/directing the porn. What is the storyline for your production? Who are the characters, why are they there, what are the near-misses bringing them together, what happens after they get together, how are they changed? Think a bit on some of the classics from the "Golden Age of Porn" like the Devil in Miss Jones, Behind the Green Door, etc.

We'll respond to the initial inquiry. The industry is somehow successful. It has been in every day and age. The question is ... why? Only then can we respond to the questions of where does it seem to fall short and how can it be improved? We'll assert that porn is different than erotica. Porn--regardless of whether it is fantasy porn, mommy porn, anime porn, soft-core, hard-core, or apple-core--has one common characteristic. It somehow invites the viewer to project themselves into the story. It might be projection into written text, it might be projection into pictures or video, whatever. Porn is sought after because it frees the viewer from their physical, emotional, social, psychological , relationship constraints, invites suspension of disbelief (if not reality altogether) and says to the reader/viewer--you can be part of this. The problem arises that sex is so much more than "Tab A in Slot B". And so much of porn today is simply visual Tab A into Slot B. It lacks even the laughable choreography of "professional wrestling". Much of it is...boring. What makes for great fantasy, great entertainment, great "we can imagine ourselves there" is, of course, story. Why are these people coming together? What are there flaws? What is the life situation that has juxtaposed them? How does the narrative keep them apart until the power of attraction overwhelms them? Showing up at a swinger party is not narrative. Stepmom-stepson is not narrative. They are (at best) tropes. We end up not caring. That said, we think the next great innovation will be personalized AI-enabled porn. Where deep fantasies are realized, taboos are violated and so on. Where the viewer is not depending on a writer/director's imagination, but one's own. The characters have to be believable enough, flawed enough, passionate enough, to make the whole thing worth experiencing.

We agree. Amy’s response is thoughtful. We wonder, though, whether the correspondent has a grasp on the full dimension of the question. Some years ago, we posted an essay on the topic here at SB. It still seems reasonably fresh and on point. If we knew the original questioner, we would invite both him and is wife to read it as a prelude to a kitchen table conversation. Perhaps someone can refer this to Amy and back to the original correspondent.

We agree. While contrary to conventional wisdom, our LS friends join family/friends events with sufficient regularity that LS friends ask after family and vice versa. We do prep our LS friends with one stock answer to the occasional query, "How do you know {Mr/Mrs Fundamental Law}?" Stock answer, "we met through friends of friends some time ago". That is as complicated as it gets.

That may or may not be the situation. We will reiterate:

There are exactly two people who have some chance of knowing what goes on inside a marriage. When one of them confides in someone outside the marriage that they are worried about something inside the marriage, the line from "Cool Hand Luke" comes to mind: "What we have heah is...failure...to communicate!" We are sometimes asked about "the" basis for a successful marriage by younger colleagues just embarking on a marital journey. There is of course no "the" basis. But we always remark that durable relationships have somehow engineered a safe space where difficult topics can be broached without fear. That doesn't mean without awkwardness, embarrassment, or even real pain for one or both. It does mean that the relationship is safe while the "whatever" is being explored or negotiated or resolved. In conversations with couples--often LS couples because candor is so foundational to the lifestyle--we often hear that these are 'kitchen table conversations' with some sort of implicit or explicit 'safe zone' that allows an opportunity to reflect and later respond instead of simply reacting. We do not mean that such an arrangement is unique to LS couples, but rather that their success as a couple in the LS is often enabled by such an arrangement. As hunterdonNJ suggests, what works for one couple works for that couple, and that's all that matters. As lcmim suggests, too many unknowns to reach conclusions -- especially hearing only one partner's take on a situation.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/26/travel/nude-spas-saunas-europe.html Once again, simple nude recreation and relaxation is featured in the NY Times. While not quite mainstream--it still attracts reporting--it's no longer taboo and has become somewhat ordinary.

The lyric : Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

https://www.reuters.com/fact-check/study-did-not-find-women-store-dna-intercourse-with-men-2024-01-22/

Alas, paywall...

We think the key concept is "dating". The process of "dating" --going back to those horrible teen memories-- is opaque by design, if not intention. A date is negotiated (dinner date, coffee date, movie date), there is interaction, and the parties are learning more about each other. Unfortunately, there is rarely open and candid transaction about "what are you thinking". In LS lingo, there is rarely (if ever) a candid exchange of fantasies, intentions, and boundaries. Absent such transparency, there are only unmanaged expectations that are infrequently realized. We are old(er). As such, we are content to move slowly and we would rather not waste time around unmanaged expectations. We prefer to spend more time with fewer couples towards more durable connections. Best to back out early when flags appear.

Better to have swingers become friends than friends become swingers. As you observe, the relationship becomes complex as the new person tries to figure out their fantasies, intentions, and boundaries even while maintaining the vanilla aspect of the relationship.

A bit of perspective. 1. Reflect on your wife and your relationship with her. Do you love her with all your heart and soul, and is your relationship "'til death do you part?" It seems like it is, you need to be sure in your own mind that it is. 2. Reflect on the rough patches in your relationship. Every relationship has had rough patches. What got you through them? In most cases, it is finding the courage to communicate even while feeling vulnerable. Has this been true for you? 3. If (1) and (2) are true, then perhaps the next step is to calmly let her know what you know, that you continue to love her and want to talk about how you feel. It's okay to fret about her lack of transparency, and it's also okay that to tell her that you are excited about ethical non-monogamy, however you define it. One more bit of perspective. Life's journey can be unpredictable, the destination is not. With every passing day it becomes more important to figure out what happiness means to you--individually and as a couple--and to find that happiness. No one benefits from anxiety and uncertainty--both make days less enjoyable and both likely shorten lives. Give yourself the gifts of vulnerability and transparency and honesty.

Oldswinger and hunterdon are touching on our reality. As we age, our relationships with LS couples have also changed. No one wants to feel pressured, everyone wants to feel their own level of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure. It’s no longer about “hooking up” but rather about being present/with. It’s not about soft swing or hard swing, but rather about enjoying the time with others on whatever level. It’s a different sort of chemistry, less of an ignition or explosion and much more of a slow burn.

The photographer, Marilyn Minter, published a coffee-table book with an extended set of photos from the same sessions. See https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Minter-Elder-Sex/dp/2365680712 It played to generally favorable reviews, see for example https://www.cnn.com/style/article/marilyn-minter-artist-elder-sex/index.html Passion has no expiration date; the (unsettling) question is whether it has a "best by" date.