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biwhat

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15 Good

About biwhat

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    Contributor
  • Birthday 08/28/1967

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    couple
  • Location
    AR
  1. LOL! You don't know how hard that was for me to admit. I have only recently gotten to the point where I can even say it out loud. Hubby just laughed and nodded his head (vigorously I might add). As far as the party goes, it is an off-premises party at a motel. The host said that it was less restrictive than most off-premises parties (?), and that we might see nudity, kissing, touching, fondling and oral. They said that most parties have 30-50 couples, but I am wondering if that might be a little bit of an exaggeration. I do know that they had to cancel the last one because they didn't have enough people RSVP.
  2. You're right! I should treat it as no more than a fun night out with hubby, and anything else that might happen would be icing on the cake. We are going to be celebrating our 20th anniversary that weekend, so I am sure that it will be a good time whether we find anyone else or not.
  3. That is good advice. Not just for swinging, but for my everyday life. Thanks! I think part of what I was scared of was the lack of having "control" in that kind of a setting (yes you hit that nail on the head too..I AM a control freak:)). But you reminded me that I have all the control that I need. I am in control of whether I walk forward or take a step (or more) back. That helps a lot! I would, however, still like to know a little more about what to expect at the party. Maybe etiquette tips, or tips on how to handle the situation in general. Just anything that people think will be helpful.
  4. Wow! I said this place was better than a visit with a shrink! LOL. Anyway, just by reading the forum I have gotten rid of a lot of the usual fears. Just getting to the point that I was ready to mention it to hubby was a milestone for me. To be honest, I really don't know what my deepest darkest fears are, and I have thought a lot about it. I have tried to figure out what I am afraid of, but I can come up with an answer for everything, except fear of the unknown. I know that doesn't make sense, but I think it is just because I have never been to a (swing) party setting with lots of people involved. When we attempted it before, it was with single female friends or a couple who we were friends with....Never with strangers. I think I just have social anxiety, and that will only be overcome by just doing it. Working on my confidence level should help with that to a point, and I am hoping that the more I do it, the more comfortable I will become with it.
  5. No hubby is not pulling me along with him! In fact, it is a little bit of the opposite. As I mentioned in a previous post, our last attempt at swinging was traumatic to me because we jumped in too fast, and made lots of rookie mistakes. There was also another issue which caused problems, but we are working passed that. This time, hubby is a little gun shy because he knows that I was hurt before. He didn't even want to try it again, until I brought it up to him and assured him that I wanted to give it another shot. I can't honestly say that I am ready to just let loose...yet. But I am ready to ease back into it. As long as we can take our time, and let me get adjusted to it step-by-step, I think it will be a "boatload of fun".
  6. That is an excellent suggestion! As a matter of fact, hubby and I were just talking about that today. We are trying to work that one out. We also decided that we needed to take a few minutes to check in with each other before things progress (even within our boundaries) just to make sure that we are both still ok with everything. That was one of the mistakes we made before. We got so wrapped up in what was going on, that we didn't take time to really check with each other during the "action". By the time we had a chance to access the situation, it was too late. It is like I told him, if we are so involved in what we are doing that we can't take a minute to make sure we are both ok with it, then we are probably TOO involved in what we are doing. ;-)
  7. Ok. Wow. I guess I would say that yes to some degree this is a problem in everyday life. I hate trying "new" things and will avoid it if possible. I really don't spend a big part of the day worrying about "what-ifs" though....Well unless it involves something outside of my comfort zone. :-) I have never sought medical/professional help for it, but I have recently started trying to do things that I normally wouldn't do, or wouldn't do alone. It has been quite the confidence booster for me. I realize that it is a problem, and I want to overcome it. I know that jumping into the lifestyle is not an option for me at this point. But I think if I take things slowly, it will help me on several different levels.
  8. Together??? Now why didn't I think of that?! No seriously...why didn't I? LOL. I think that is a good plan. Maybe that will also give me an opportunity to see how he handles it, so I can learn from him. I also like the idea of no expectations. I think I am trying so hard to "prepare" myself for what might happen, that I am not even considering what might not happen. That is a good thing to keep in mind.
  9. As some of you know, my husband and I are trying to ease back into swinging after a disastrous attempt a few years ago. We have decided to take things very slowly this time and (hopefully) avoid mistakes that we now know we made before. I have been working on my insecurities and jealousy, and building my confidence. We have been talking and talking and talking like posters have advised, and I think we are ready for the next step. We have joined a group, and next month, we are going to a party they have at a motel. We have decided that we will not be doing anything that requires any form of nudity the first night. Flirting, kissing, and some fondling is ok if the opportunity arises, but nothing else. Like I said, taking it SLOWLY. Here is the problem, though. I am still scared to death! Not of the same things that I was before, but I guess I am just worried about the "unknown". This is so unlike the experiences that we have had before (which is probably a good thing), and I really don't know what to expect. Another thing that worries me is that hubby is really outgoing and social, but I am very shy and reserved until I get to know people. It seems like women are usually the aggressors in the swinging world, but I am definitely not the aggressive type. I am wondering if people will think it is creepy if he is the one to approach someone we are interested in...at least until I can get my courage up to do it? I would also like some input to make sure that we are "prepared" before we go. Here is what we have accomplished so far: 1) We have pretty much figured out our boundaries. Still working on some details, but it is pretty much under control at this point. 2) We have agreed that alcohol will not play a big part in the evening. Don't want to lose what control we have over the situation, or make decisions that aren't made with a fairly clear head. 3) We have decided that we will both be clear on the "rules" before we get there, and we won't change them in the middle of the stream. (kind of worried about this one, more on my part than his:rolleyes:) Does anyone have any other advice or suggestions? I want this to go as smoothly as possible, but I want to have fun too. I want to be prepared, but I don't want to over think it, which I have a tendency to do. Any help would be appreciated!
  10. I do trust him. I guess I am just scared still. When we attempted to swing before, it was quite a traumatic experience for me. We did so many things wrong, and I don't want to make those mistakes again. If we are going to attempt it again, I want to make sure that I am prepared BEFORE we get started. I am trying to think of various situations in case they happen, so I will be prepared to deal with them if they happen. That was part of the problem before. Things happened that I didn't expect, and I had no clue how to deal with them. I didn't want to be the bad guy, because everyone else enjoyed it so much, so I just ignored the situation and buried the feelings. I didn't communicate to hubby how I was feeling so he thought I was fine with everything. I thought he should "know" that I was upset, and didn't, so in my mind he didn't care about my feelings. I understand what you are saying. I think we have to take baby steps....and I do mean BABY steps. When I fantasize about it, everything is good. The raunchier the better. So I would think that everything would be ok when it happens in reality. But I know now that it doesn't work that way. We have decided that when we actually begin we are going to start out with only flirting and dancing, no sexual activity at all. If I am ok with that, (and he is too) we will maybe go a little further the next time. Like I told him, since I have no clue where my actual comfort levels are, that will give me a chance to assess it a small bit at a time. Red flags are much easier to deal with than full blown raging jealousy.
  11. To be honest, I am not sure that boundaries were actually crossed. I think there was just a lack of communication about exactly where those boundaries were. For example, I would say something like if I had to leave the room, the "sex stuff" needed to stop until I came back into the room. In my mind that meant ALL activity, but in his mind that meant SEX had to stop. So when I would come back into the room, he would be doing everything besides actual sex. I would see him being with the girl alone and it would freak me out. In my mind he was crossing boundaries that I had put in place, but I see now where those boundaries were so vague that he could be confused about what I actually meant. I agree that communication is key. That is the main thing we were lacking before.
  12. Yes Fun, I am confident that I have learned from my mistakes. My mistake was letting things go further than I was comfortable with, just because I didn't want to be a party-pooper. Another mistake was not communicating my feelings strongly enough, for the same reasons. I have learned that I have to set limitations, and that doing so does not make me any less of a woman. As a matter of fact, the confidence that I can gain from that may even make me MORE of one. I am almost as confident that Mr. has too. He now understands that some of the things he has done have hurt me. He also realizes that no situation can be fun for him if it is not fun for me as well. He came really close to losing me before MC, which taught him that that I will not allow him to disrespect my feelings. We have been best friends since I was 13 years old. Somewhere along the way, we lost track of that, but we are beginning to remember again. Are we ready to jump back into swinging? Nope, not by a long shot! Is our marriage strong enough to start thinking about it again? I think so....As long as we take it slow, and remember that nothing is more important than US.
  13. The reason we are in MC is not because of a three-way fantasy per se. It was because of lack of communication about things he was feeling, and the way he handled the situation. Since we have been in MC (and I guess because of the reason we are in MC) our marriage is stronger than it has been in a while. The reason he was against the idea was because he was worried that I wanted it for the wrong reasons. He was scared that I wasn't truly ok with the idea, but wanted to do it because he wanted it. I can honestly say that I want it as much for myself as I do for him. I just need to work out some things before we venture into it. I don't want issues to pop up unexpectedly, and not be prepared to handle them. Believe me, I have learned my lesson from previous attempts! That is why I am researching everything I can, and trying to get some of my questions answered here. I do not know how far I will be willing to take it, but I will be informed and aware this time. And I will not take it further than my comfort level...or his!
  14. Fun, I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect husband, or wife for that matter. But hubby is learning to be a good communicator/listener. As I said, we have had problems with that in the past. I would try to communicate my feelings, and I am not sure whose "fault" it was, but the messages seemed to get lost in the translation. We are actually in MC right now, because we had another "issue" a while back. Not sure I want to get into that right now, but I will say that it was a result of his three-way fantasy. Because of this, we have started to communicate like never before. I feel like he is REALLY starting to understand my feelings and insecurities. Btw, I would like everyone to know that he is in no way trying to push me into this. In fact he was absolutely against the idea. I am the one who is wanting to explore it. He has given me the only set of keys (so to speak). I just want to make sure that we take our time and do it right if we are going to try it again. I know that I have to deal with my issues before we even attempt it, or it (and possibly US) would be doomed to fail. We have made progress as a couple, and thanks to you wonderful people, I am beginning to make progress on myself.
  15. I swear this place is better than a trip to the shrink! I really want to try to venture into this again. Guess I started analyzing too much and panicked a little. But everyone has given such good advice, and has relieved a lot of my worries. Do you think if we ever get a "play date", you all could come with me and quiet those voices in my head? Or would that be a little weird? LOL PB&J, it is nice to know that I am not alone in that department. I was beginning to think I was. Seems like every woman I meet, and surely every woman we have been with, simply loves it and is really good at it. Hubby has never complained when I did it, but let's just say that reactions speak for themselves when someone else does it. Maybe you have given me the confidence to let him get that pleasure from someone else. I mean, maybe they can give him that, but they aren't the ones coming home to wash his socks....Oh wait a minute, maybe that was a bad example. Sexycouple, you have really given me something to think about. I would love to have your attitude about it, and thanks to you I am one step closer. Your advice has calmed most of my nerves and fears. Thank you!
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