This is the OP (I had forgotten I had a pseudonym last year when facing another problem). My husband has a few issues on several levels that I know is affecting him. The first being the career stuff (like I mentioned before). He took a pay cut to change careers a couple of years back and he's not enjoying it as much as he thought (although much MORE than the former career. However, I do make significantly more now. The couple we were with obviously were pretty well off and though both have good incomes, we're still rebuilding somewhat after our prior divorces five years ago.
Another issue has to do with past situations where it seemed like the couple was there for a threesome and just kind of "put up with him" without the other woman having much interest. I did my best to focus on him in those situations and tried to make the best of it, but he'd feel so left out afterward that it was like a huge blow to his self esteem. So upset he lost sight of my pleasure and enjoyment and realizing the pleasure I have with other women. It's like it became my fault. Maybe I should have stopped in the middle of things and I would have if he spoke up, but jeesh, I can only control my actions, not those of other women.
I just think everything came together really badly in his head. To top it all off we were grocery shopping today and the college kid cashier blatantly hit on me right in front of him. I know how he thinks and right now his insecurity button is going off about money and his looks (he thinks he's fat now with a 34" waist).
We have plans (which have been set for the last 6 weeks) with some other friends we've already been with in a couple weeks. She's very assertive. This will not be an issue with them. If they were willing, I'd love to let her have some one on one time with him. I think he could use it. Then after that, a little break and I personally think it's time for him to talk with someone (like therapy wise). Obviously his self esteem issues are affecting more than just our swinging, but communication as a whole.