Drama within a swinger group has gotten personal

[froggyjenn80]

Ok sorry if this ends up long. Here is my situation. I am an owner of a local swinger yahoo group and a member of many others. We are basically like family. We have group events, public and private and enjoy doing things with families as well as adult only events.

Recently some drama has happened. I am the hostess of a swinger bbq event for my valley (over 100 people are attending) I have spent hours coordinating, buying, and planning everything. And recently 2 cpls have caused problems. Basically going back to high school with name calling, backstabbing, telling people to stay away, rumors, ect.

I have let all of this go. Left some groups, removed people from mine, and let it go. I didnt email people privately, nor did I spread things. I have just walked away even when knowing that things were being said about me intentionally trying to hurt me. I just let it go.

Well recently one of the cpls that has started this was asked not to attend the bbq. Privately, and by me. So of course she turns to the public groups and posts my name as well as details in the email. I dont care about this.

I emailed her privately about all of this just before midnight last night. Then about 15 mins later I get a phone call from an unknown person (I dont have caller ID) saying that CPS (child protective services) was called on me. Well about an hour ago they showed up to my house. Investigated, looked around and left. There is no evidence of child abuse because I dont abuse my kids. My house is clean, my kids are bathed and fed, have toys, clothes, ect. We may not be super wealthy, but they have everything they need.

So here is my point. What do you do when because of high school drama, somebody falsly turns you in for child abuse just to "attack" you?

Any advice is helpful. Thanks
~Jenn

[JustAskJulie]

That's beyond high school drama. I don't have a clue what to tell you here, the only thing I can see that I would have done differently is that instead of flat out telling them not to come to another bbq, I probably would have just stopped providing them with the info on when and where (but that may not have been an option if others in the group would have told them).

I think that if things are going on that people can see on your Yahoo club then you have to make a stand and say something. If it's all going on behind the scenes then it might be time to start making some calls to others in the group that you trust and find out as much info as you can to help you make as informed a decision as possible.

[froggyjenn80]

thank you Julie. I did stop providing info to them. But as other members continued to do so. Most of it is behind the scenes. Well my part at least. She continues to post publicly in the groups where others who have no clue whats going on can see. And she mentions my name, even though I have not replied or said anything. The email telling her they were not invited was the first thing I sent. And it was polite as can be. Telling her that the drama and the attitude was not welcome. And also mentioned that I got several (approx 17 emails) from different couples requesting that they not be there.

I am just appauled that CPS was called. I gave my info to the investigator and she said that I was on the right track, although she didnt mention the name of the original caller. And that phone call last night said it was somebody in the groups that called them on me.

I am just tired of it all. Just wish normal people without drama and head games were in my area.

[biblonde]

OMG...what a BITCH.. I am sorry to hear you have to go through that. I agree with Julie..way beyond high school stuff. Messing with your kids takes it way beyond evil!! I would say try and ignore her but people like that dont go away to easily. I also would start keeping a journal of every event she does. Sorry to say this but you may need it in the future to show she is just harrasing you. Print Emails, rude remarks. I know it sounds silly but believe me...it may come in handy. Also any phone calls..dates times etc...Write every thing down every day...if nothing goes on that day write that too. It shows a pattern. That is the only advice i know when it comes to this. Have no idea how to get her to go away!! I wish you the best of luck in this!!

[OhioCouple]

Ditto to the other responses. Especially since this goes way beyond evil. I believe the majority of swingers would be outraged. If someone has a beef with me, they better take it to me and don't even think about drawing my children into it. That would be their absolute worst mistake, 'cause I don't see so clearly when it comes to someone messing with my kids.

I think you need to address this issue on your Yahoo board. You don't have to name names however, because all of these groups are webbed together in a sense, then there are going to be quite a few that know exactly who the party (ies) in question are and their tongues will be flapping. Before long EVERYONE will know who participated in this little adventure and I'd have to bet that they are ostracized from the community, if only through silence.

This goes way over and beyond high school theatrics. You need to take action. And your best bet is to address it, in the manner that you have been taking with them thus far. Only it needs to be done publicly. I think you are going to find a lot more support in your yahoo group than you can imagine. I can't imagine any parent not being highly upset over this sort of staged drama.

Of course we will support you here. But you need that same support in your Yahoo group and it needs to be public.

I feel horrible and angry for you. Good luck in which ever way you decided and keep us informed.

[froggyjenn80]

Thank you biblonde and ohiocouple. I have several public posts from a few different groups where she posted about walking around her house naked (her kids are teenagers) she has posted her daughters breast size. She has posted that because she had the wieght loss surgery her butt saggs and she lets her oldest spank it. (she is also the type that gets off on spanking)

All of these posts are in a folder that I have, along with the emails and other posts naming me. I have been trying to call cps on her because she needs it, but I also know that she will know it is me and retalliate. I work for the government and am trying to get into Harvard university. She can take both of those things from me. So I walk away.

My kids are my life. I may not be the best mom in the world, but I love them, care for them and give them what they need. They are not abused nor neglected. And I normally hear from people that they seem like happy kids. I may call them hellians and little devils, but its in joking and its because they are toddlers going through the terrible 2's and 3's.

I appreciate the advice. I am just lost about everything.

[JustAskJulie]

You have already removed her from the Yahoo Groups that you run and moderate right?

[froggyjenn80]

yes, and I removed myself from the ones she is still a member of. Although since it is a pretty tight community, I still hear about everything.

[M&B]

Fortunately for children, child abuse reports in California tend to be taken seriously. Unfortunately for innocent adults falsely accused of abuse, it is rare to successfully get restitution of your good reputation.

Defamation of character is hard to prove in too many cases because CPS normally will not name the reporter, unless law enforcement uses that person as a witness, and they always take anonymous calls. Since there was no arrest, no charge of false arrest can be made.

Even though an investigation is not public, it is still something that remains in a file at CPS. If another false complaint is made, the next investigation could be deeper and more obvious to outsiders, regardless of your innocence.

You are doing the right thing- disassociating yourself from the culprit.

[BradAndJanet]

Man, this makes me angry on so many different levels.

First of all, what she did to you is inexcusable. Secondly, the fact that an agency can accept anonymous calls, visit your house and keep a record of it seems to me a violation of your 5th Amendment rights. IANAL, but I don't believe they have any right to enter without a warrant. You were certainly intimidated into letting them in, and I don't blame you for doing it, but if they ever show up on my doorstep I will refuse entry and then call a lawyer.

Getting a warrant requires a higher level of judicial involvement and detailed proof, and I would think the person providing the information would have to be named. They might also be in contempt of court for providing a false report, something which might make them pause a moment. A system like that is obviously ripe for abuse and I can't believe it exists. You might want to see if there is some way to 'expunge' a false report, and/or file a legal request to obtain the name of the person, if CPS has it, and see if any criminal charges can be filed. Find out what your rights are...I know I'm going to do some checking, because this is absurd.

Now, having said all that....

I wonder if there's a better way to handle people like that. It's one thing to ban a disruptive person from a group or message board if they don't know you IRL, but quite another if they have names, phone numbers, addresses, etc. She's taking this out on you because you're the one who tried to get rid of her, when it's probable that many, many members of the group don't like her.

I don't know how disruptive she is, but why not let her know about the events, let her show up, and just ignore her? With 100 people there, that might work and after a while she might just leave of her own accord, and anyone that leaves with her, well so be it. She'll likely catch on that no one wants her around and make up some reason (in her own head) about why she doesn't want to attend anymore. Most people, unless they're truly psycho, don't hang out with people who don't like them.

Of course, I don't have much to go on here and I can't pretend to know the exact situation, but it seems to me that people who are confronted can sometimes 'go off' and just shunning her might defuse things and let them slowly wind down.

Gosh, I really sympathize with you, Jenn. I hope you can get it all behind you soon.

-B

[Alura]

As Brad suggested, Jenn, I think you need a lawyer before this goes any further. I know money is often a problem when you need legal advice but there may be some legal aid society in your area. Here in Oklahoma, lawyers normally don't charge for the first visit. Ask first. If they require a retainer before talking to you, call another.

As Brad also suggested, what they did may border on criminal charges. I'm going through a child custody fight with my brother, as his fiscal and moral support. There are many things you can do legally to stop harassment. You can swear out a "protective order" and ask the court to enjoin this individual from harassing you. A protective order is not just to protect you from violence although, that too, can be a part of one.

My brother loaned his ex a lawn mower. After she used it, he went and picked it up. A neighbor saw him and told her. She filed charges against him for stealing her lawn mower. He was arrested and I had to bail him out. At the "arraignment" he showed his Wal-Mart receipt and the charges were dropped in such a way as to allow him to sue her with making a false police report. He didn't want any more hassel so he didn't do it. Now he wishes he had because he recently found out that his "police record" still shows that he was arrested for petty larceny. Legal action continues to get this expunged from his record. The statute of limitations for suing her have expired.

You must fight such harassment and you have to fight it with a lawyer. Do not try to take action without one. You'll only make matters worse.

Get Caller I.D. Buy a tape recorder that can work when plugged into a telephone outlet. In Oklahoma, you can record telephone calls as long as you are one of the people talking. If you are not a party to the conversation, recording a phone call is a federal offense. Discuss this with your lawyer and do what she says, not what I say.

It's very good advice to keep a complete record of this incident, even if you have to go back and recreate it. List dates and times.

Good luck! Please keep us updated.

Mr. Alura

[SexhoundDog]

Jenn,
I guess I might be a bit harsher than some, but if you've got some goods on her where she has mentioned her daughter's breast size, walks around the house naked in front of the kids, has one spank her, etc., I'd be inclined to send her copies of the stuff (anonymously or not, depending on your wishes) with a short note something to the effect of "If you EVER even think about fucking with me again, Bitch, I may just have to let the CPS, your employer, and whomever else I feel like know about YOU."

No excuse for her kind of crap whatsoever, this may even pre-date high school childishness.

[LadyCleo]

I agree with the above poster that said that you need to go public with all of the details about her harrassment to your Yahoo group. This woman will be dropped like the pariah that she is. No other couple in their right minds would ever play with her again. To do so, just puts their kids at risk. If she will call CPS on you, she might just call them on her other play partners too. After that, after all of the people in the comunity know about the evils that she has committed towards you and your family, drop it. I also agree with one of the other posters about how sometimes ignoring is better than fighting. But you have to give the information to the other people in the community, if only to protect them from her.

Good luck to you,
LC

[GFandME]

dont run from it.

fight back and fight back twice as hard and twice as long. Id never run from anything and I wouldnt start with THAT....

id have to hurt the one who started all of this...you know its them who turned you into Child care services....if not them, they got someone to do it and thats close enough for me.

if you turn and run its gonna look bad, if ya fight back ya get more respect and they wont be as likely to do it again if ya fight back twice as hard......hehe......its not easy when you're trying to move ahead but ya cant run scared.....not for anyone......

YOU SAID, ""All of these posts are in a folder that I have""....then ya have to use them........not only to hurt her but its the right thing to do.

but I do feel bad for you and there really is NO right answer. I just know what Id do.

good luck and hang in there.

[RW1F]

Those of you out of state may have legal recourse in this situation but unfortunately in California there is none. It's all about "protecting the children", 5th amendment rights be damned. If you can "PROVE" the person making the claim was doing it falsely you may have some recourse against the "individual" but not against the state. (This assumes the person making the false claim has more to take than a double wide trailer at Tucker Wheel Estates.) Even if the state were to take your children while the whole mess got sorted out you still would have NO recourse from the state, including your legal fees while fighting the false charges. After all they (the state) were just trying to "protect the children". This state is freakin insane I tell ya. A virtual Democrats paradise.
All kidding aside your best bet is to flee this insane state as soon as possible. Your name is now registered with CPS and will remain there forever or until hell freezes over whichever comes first. Any further "tips" will result in a much more detailed investigation and possibly/more than likely cost you some money in attorneys fees.