My husband's behaviour...should I be suspicious?

[bothornone]

I'll try to make this short, if I'm leaving anything out, please feel free to message me. (FYI - I've been married for 8 years now)

I've been bi-curious for quite sometime. Hubby asked me a few weeks ago about it. I came clean and told him I would like to experience another woman as well. He says he will look online for a mate for me, with him to watch - possibly participate (if it is OK with me - which it is to some degree). He mentioned a website - which is not a swinging site... more of a dating site (PM me if you want the name). He does have us listed as a couple, looking for women or couples. I'm sort of a jealous person when it comes to this, maybe because I haven't experienced any of this. Or shared him, etc. Anyhow, I checked the history of his surfing - maybe I shouldn't have... (he only goes online when I'm NEVER around) and I noticed several chats and private messages. Of course, I can't read them, just know that he has accessed that part of the site. Come to find out on my own, these are single women in the same town as me. (Also much more beautiful than I am - I'm also a little self-conscious) Now I'm really scared and nervous.... and jealous.

Then just a few days ago, in the midst of hot and heavy fun. He says something along the lines of.... I've already met a few for you (not sure if meeting was online or in person). Not even thinking... I say something along the lines - really there are some out there that would and you ALREADY met them.... (now I get kind of pissed) Then he says in a different voice... you don't think I'm cheating on you??? Again, not even thinking about it - I flat out say - I don't know... and leave it at that. Of course I wanted to finish up what we were doing in a semi pleasurable state.

He has also made several comments out of the blue about how he doesn't care who I call, talk with, etc. I'm wondering if he thinks, I should think the same as him???

Now what do I do? I'm jealous as hell, constantly wondering if he's meeting these women.... Shouldn't these single women know that it needs to be OK with the wife? I'm guessing they just don't care. Please help, I'm so scared, pissed, jealous... feels like I'm going crazy.

[sweet_tna]

I'm thinking his behavior is sending up a bunch of red flags for me.

#1 HE wants to be the one to look for a lady to join you. Unless you'd prefer that he choose (and it doesn't sound as though you do), then YOU should be involved with the selection process. After all, you're the one who will be playing with this lady.

#2 He's been doing his searching and contacting these women when he knows you're not around--not cool.

#3 Making "several comments out of the blue about how he doesn't care who I call . . ." Sounds like someone's trying to lay the groundwork for an open marriage or give himself a free pass in case he actually does anything with one of these women behind your back.

#4 He wasn't clear about whether he's already met these ladies. "Things that make ya' go Hmmmmmmmm"

I don't know what prompted you to try and check his history, but it really sounds like ya'll need to have a nice long TALK. You need to tell him how you feel about his actions and the idea of swinging; your feelings of jealousy (which are hopefully unfounded and perfectly normal when starting out in the lifestyle); what YOU want out of this experience.

As for what the single women should or shouldn't know . . . that's irrelevant at this point. You need to deal with what's between you and your hubby.

Good luck!

[JustAskJulie]

I agree on the red flags. It sounds like he took your announcement that you were interested in experiencing another woman as saying that you wanted at best a 3-some, at worst that you were opening the door to let anything happen for either of you. And now, he is basically giving you permission to do what you want in hopes that you will give him the same permission.

If he was really just trying to find someone for you, to maybe surprise you, that would be great. But that doesn't sound like what is going on here.

[djjwp]

Get online to the places he has been with him there and just make him do it with you, take control. I used to get a hard time from the boss if she came in and I'm on a site, I just sat her down and started going in with her, she decided it was not what she wanted to do (surf sites) and just left it to me but the bottom line is at some level, you both need to be involved in the process to some degree or neither one belongs in the process of all.

[bothornone]

Originally Posted by djjwp

Get online to the places he has been with him there and just make him do it with you, take control. I used to get a hard time from the boss if she came in and I'm on a site, I just sat her down and started going in with her, she decided it was not what she wanted to do (surf sites) and just left it to me but the bottom line is at some level, you both need to be involved in the process to some degree or neither one belongs in the process of all.

That is the thing... he doesn't even know that I know what site he is on.... I've even registered myself there (as a married couple)... just so I can access the full site.

I'm sure others are wondering why I'm snooping.... a few months back, phone records showed single chat line numbers... I never got into the conversation about it, just let it slide thinking that maybe he is curious. Honestly, I think our sex life is good, better than it was a year ago (kids are getting older, more time for us, etc.)

I'm just sooooo confused! We definately need to talk, but it always seems that the conversation gets turned, so that it is "my insecurities" causing it.

[djjwp]

Just get on as yourself and let him know it, be open and upfront. It may shock him that you are there but it may also make him aware you are in "his" neighborhood and get him to behave "with" you instead of on his own.

Get what you want from life because it is too short.

[sweet_tna]

Oh sweetie, don't let your insecurities get the best of you! I totally understand having them, but most of the people my honey and I have met in the lifestyle so far are REAL people. That means the ladies have curves, a few extra pounds, stretch marks and the like.

And you can't let that stop you from talking to your hubby. That's essential to having any success in this lifestyle and/or your marriage.

[MRnMSbhaven]

Thinking of this from MY Mr's point of view...

I could see where he'd do this to try to set up something secretly for me out of some misguided attempt at surprise. If I discovered it, I think I'd be inclined to tell him what I'd found and make mention that I would be more comfortable doing those things together. When we began our adventure, we only went to sites together so that the insecurities didn't pop up. Now, we still mostly go online together since it's about US not me and not him but we're good with the alone surfing too. We tell each other everything we do without the other. It's a bit of a turn on really.

I think a nice talk will do you both some good. The hard part will be controlling the green-eyed monster that wants to peek out.

You've opened what seems to be a package that may fascinate him as greatly as it does you. What you need to think about is... are you ok with him liking/enjoying what you've suggested? If not, how do you get ok with it? Or perhaps it's something you'd be more comfortable only fantasizing about with him. Either way, the only path forward is to talk to each other.

Ms B

[ncmd_couple]

Bothornone,

All of the advice that you have been given above is very good. But I want to add a suggestion.

My lovely lady also had jealousy issues. And you know what, your "insecurities" are OK! He needs to behave in such a way to assure you that there is nothing to be jealous about. That is what I did.

First off, I created a yahoo e-mail account that both of us have the password to. That is the only e-mail account that we ever use when swinging or talking to others.

Then, we use the same username and she and I both have the passwords to every site that are in any way related to sex or swinging that either of us might find.

If I think that a couple/lady might be of interest to us, I point them out to her. If she gives a thumbs down, I scratch them off the list.

Also, he needs to get the heck off the "dating" site. Those are sites for cheaters looking for a piece. They have few rules and it is a situation that is not conducive to swinging. If you want to find a playmate, then look on one of the swingers sites. The swinger community has respect for others boundaries.

Swinging is a team sport. We either do it together, or with each other's blessings, or we don't play.

And it is perfectly ok that when he stears the conversation to your "insecurities" it is ok for you to say, "Listen here sport, your damn right I have my insecurities, and this is why." Be completely honest with him and demand that he do the same. Once you have cleared the air, both of you can then do this together.

Good luck!!!

S

[bothornone]

Originally Posted by MRnMSbhaven

Thinking of this from MY Mr's point of view...

I could see where he'd do this to try to set up something secretly for me out of some misguided attempt at surprise. If I discovered it, I think I'd be inclined to tell him what I'd found and make mention that I would be more comfortable doing those things together. Ms B

I don't really want the suprise factor at all! This is an absolute first for me... I've never done anything but MF. No watchers, no nothing. Some toys and porn but nothing to out of the ordinary.

I would really like to be prepared for this, both mentally and physically (make sure to shave make sure everything else is in order) definately have the rules laid out before hand.

I just don't want this to blow up in my face and ruin our marriage and family.

Thank you everyone for all the advice and comments!!!!! If anyone else has any thing to throw out there, please feel free. I know we need to do some serious talking real soon.

[bothornone]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

Bothornone,

First off, I created a yahoo e-mail account that both of us have the password to. That is the only e-mail account that we ever use when swinging or talking to others.

Still can't figure out how to separate quote, so hope this works. I know he has a yahoo mail he uses. Orignally gave me password, but then changed it. I'll be dammed if I can figure it out.

Then, we use the same username and she and I both have the passwords to every site that are in any way related to sex or swinging that either of us might find.

If I think that a couple/lady might be of interest to us, I point them out to her. If she gives a thumbs down, I scratch them off the list.

Also, he needs to get the heck off the "dating" site. Those are sites for cheaters looking for a piece. They have few rules and it is a situation that is not conducive to swinging. If you want to find a playmate, then look on one of the swingers sites. The swinger community has respect for others boundaries.

This one he even paid a monthly fee. He also doesn't know I know this.... gosh I seem like a jealous, spying prude.

Swinging is a team sport. We either do it together, or with each other's blessings, or we don't play.

And it is perfectly ok that when he stears the conversation to your "insecurities" it is ok for you to say, "Listen here sport, your damn right I have my insecurities, and this is why." Be completely honest with him and demand that he do the same. Once you have cleared the air, both of you can then do this together.

This you darn near made me I know that is exactly what I'm going to say.... amonst other things.... I hear about the "little green monster coming out".... it happens quite a bit when I'm confrontational.

Good luck!!!

S

Thank you very much for sharing with me (especially about your wife)..... it puts a lot of insight into this.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

Also, he needs to get the heck off the "dating" site. Those are sites for cheaters looking for a piece. They have few rules and it is a situation that is not conducive to swinging. If you want to find a playmate, then look on one of the swingers sites. The swinger community has respect for others boundaries...


And it is perfectly ok that when he stears the conversation to your "insecurities" it is ok for you to say, "Listen here sport, your damn right I have my insecurities, and this is why." Be completely honest with him and demand that he do the same. Once you have cleared the air, both of you can then do this together.

All of the previous advice has been spot on. But I particularly find ncmdcouple's points noteworthy, especially those I quoted above.

Don't allow your husband to talk you into feeling you're overreacting...you have every reason to be concerned.

LM

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by bothornone

I've already met a few for you (not sure if meeting was online or in person). Not even thinking... I say something along the lines - really there are some out there that would and you ALREADY met them.... (now I get kind of pissed) Then he says in a different voice... you don't think I'm cheating on you??? Again, not even thinking about it - I flat out say - I don't know...

WOW. Flags should fly everywhere. Wow.
Girl, the fact that he is IMing and ONLY going online when you aren't around is a flag in itself. This is incredible. You have absolutely every right to be not only jealous but pissed, hurt and just plain angry. Wow. I think you need to try and calm down and sit down and talk ASAP. I think he needs to know that its just not right to talk with other people without your consent and permission. YES its wrong. Man, you are in the right in my opinion to be upset. I am amazed you were able to finish, all hell would have broken loose right there.

[new2wild]

From a guys view that got into all this becouse she wanted to try girls.

He needs to remember you have your issues, And he needs to respect them and aid you in dealing with your concerns. This is a must or it will lead to disaster.

You need to remember everyone has issues so don't be ashamed becouse you do. Sit him down and make it clear that your concerns need to be dealt with before this proceeds any further or forget it.

I understand your concerns completely. It sounds like at best he forgot this is suposed to be about YOU discovering females, Not him getting to have sex with other girls and you not get mad .

[safireblues]

I must use myself as an example to show you that you are NOT being insecure.

I'm not a very jealous or insecure person, I've always had an open relationship, we're both bisexual and open-minded.

Many years ago, I found a site my husband went to that he did not tell me about. Even within our openness, he was hiding things from me. In his case, it was because he wasn't 100% sure I would be ok with his attractions and flirtations with other guys, but once we talked it out and set ground rules like we did with everything else, we were fine and never had a problem after that.

Your husband may not feel like he can share his interests in flirting with other women because he doesn't want you to feel insecure. Nonetheless, lying and hiding is always wrong, and is always cause for serious concern and discussion and upset on your part.

Please do not blame yourself, speak to your husband immediately, set up ground rules. You should probably stop spying too, as it ends up feeling kind of desperate and demoralizing. And I say that as someone who has been there!