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  1. #1
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    Default We stopped the play and the couple got upset...

    Hello everyone.

    L (my wife) and B (me) really have enjoyed surfing our way through the site the past few days. Don't know why it took us so long to Google "Swingers"...

    L and I and have been off and on again lovers for the past 9 years. During the "on" times we've explored a variety of sexual pleasures just with the 2 of us and other women. We both have a rich fantasy life and we have always openly shared our past experinces with other partners and our as yet unfullfilled fantasies. Last September we finally decided that "on" should be Official and we wed on a beautiful beach here in Costa Rica.

    Our wedding and Honeymoon were incredible, rich emotional and sexual experiences and drew us toward Swinging as a next step in our sexual relationship.

    Although we each had numerous experiences together and apart (FF, MFF, MFM, MMMF, MFFF). Neither one of us had ever been with another couple and swapped partners. We extensively talked about what our boudaries were (including the tricky (I'll "Never" do "X") and other sexual and situational things (another thread at a later time) and felt good about kicking our sex life up a notch.

    1st time was with a couple from an ad site... we clicked and a couple of "I'll Never's" we're mutually disposed of easily It wasn't great but it wasn't a bad first experience (Another thread at a later time).

    Our second experience was very different, We hosted a "Meet and Greet" for some couples 6 including us) we had met OL. Well.. As often happens at M and G's, as the evening progressed it became apparent that there was mutual sexual attraction from 2 of the couples and ourselves.

    So... "To the bold go the riches" we wound up with a late night coupling with one of the couples that showed interest (The other couple to be discussed in an upcoming post).

    Started off great... we intially kept to our own and then easily slid from that into swapping with an incredible transition of FF fun in between. It went quickly downhill from there. L and her new male friend we're hitting it off great and I was secure in the knowledge that he was treating her right and knew the boundaries. As my interaction with the other woman began I felt and immediate sense of dislocation from what was, a moment befor,e a really nice connected feeling between the 4 of us. My new friend clearly had lost interest in what was going on between us and was intent (verbally and physically) on what was happening on the other side of the bed. After 2 subtle attempts to re-engage her and 1 not so subtle attempt... I called "Stop".

    My wife (God love her, immediatly disengaged) and, realizing what was happening, took immediate control and made it clear that the night was "over". I have left out pertinent details and specifics in this saga for a reason. I hope that those of you more experienced will chime in with input.

    Here's the bottom line: The other couple was very insulted when we called halt... we briefly and politely explained why and asked them corteously to "vamos". We knew going into this that sex and love are not the same things. We believe however that there should be some kind of mutual respect and connection (not emotional) between swapping couples in this Lifestyle.

    So... to those of you who disagree with our viewpoint? We would appreciate your insight. We certainly can appreciate a "just "F" me" approach but can't concieve that there could be NO (or even a little) deeper connection between swapping couples and in this case? A minimal regard and respect for all concerned.

    L is now clearly indicating that I write too much (I do) and love the sound of my own voice too much (Mea cupla). So we thank you in advance for your comments and bid you a very good day... Pura Vida!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Stop!

    The lack of respect is the key issue. If the person you were playing with was more interested in what was going on on the other side of the bed and basically ignoring you that's an issue... but it may not mean disrespect. Some people just enjoy watching and get easily distracted seeing their partner with someone new. My ex was very guilty of this on multiple occasions (ignoring the woman he should have been playing with to watch me with who I was playing with). Those couples (IMO) should probably play in seperate rooms if both want to play, or if one wants to watch they should probably just play with singles (again just my opinion).

    If they didn't understand why you called stop and shooed them away then I can understand why they would be offended (and they may have been most offended that you shooed them away immideately rather than allowing an opportunity to regroup and perhaps just talk and go from there). Were it me in that situation and I had gotten caught up watching my husband with someone else and (unintentionally) ignored the person I was supposed to be playing with, I would feel really bad when called on it (to an extent) but mostly I would want a chance to just regroup and talk withthe other couple involved about what happened.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Stop!

    Our thanks for your time in replying. As I indicated in the original post I ommitted some details...

    After "Stop" there WAS a re-grouping and brief discussion. 3 of us immediatly "got it" but unfortunately 1 remained out of the loop and clueless (We believe to this day).

    If there had been but a glimmer of understanding and attempt to make it right? All would have been forgotten and I can assure you my demonstration of forgiveness would have been most sincere and pleasureable for ALL of us. I will also admit that the site of "L" and this chap was quite engaging but there was a total cessation of play and physical contact with me even after 2 subtle vocal and 1 blatent vocal and physical attempt by me to re-engage her.

    As we don't (at this time) wish to play in seperate rooms (and this was made clear beforehand)... we felt we had no choice but to take the action we did.

    Again... We both acknowledge the difference between sex and love... there also is an inherent "selfishness for satisfaction" that we agreed was a major part of our desire to enter into Swinging. "Taking One for the Team" is not something either of us are willing to do. Sex for Sex's sake without some connection doesn't work for us either.

    "L" is advising once more that I should come back to bed on this rainy Costa Rican morning... and so I shall. Again... Thanks for your input.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Stop!

    That was an unfortunate turn of events, but I hope your telling left out some of the attempts you made to re-engage the wife in playing before you called a halt. Since I am guilty of being completely consumed by the sexiness of my wife playing with someone else, I can understand the other wife's reactions, expecially if she's bisexual and found your wife very appealling. I guess I don't have as much self-esteem as you, but I would most likely have made a couple of attempts to re-focus the other woman on me and then having failed at that, gleefully joined her in watching and absorbing all of the action, sounds, sights, and noises coming from my wife and her husband!

  5. #5
    Great Times 1 Year Exp. des1re06's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stop!

    We would have reacted the same way you did, and feel you were right to call "stop".

    I wonder how long the other couple were actively swingers? It's usually newbies who are unable to disengage from their spouse and focus on their new partner for the evening.

    Good luck with your next encounter.

    Mrs. D

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Stop!

    OP, I would have reacted the same way. I have BEEN there. I was with a man who just laid there literally with his head turned, watching Jay and his wife. Didn't touch me, talk to me, look at me, nothing....so I'm thinking what the HELL am I doing this for, my health? lol. I know it was unintentional, because when I told him about it after he was surprised and then admitted that yes, he can get distracted. Made me feel like CRAP though. So in that instance we do separate room. Was unintentional, but made me feel like shit.
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho
    Shelly

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    Default Re: Stop!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lovethenights View Post
    Since I am guilty of being completely consumed by the sexiness of my wife playing with someone else, I can understand the other wife's reactions, especially if she's bisexual and found your wife very appealing.

    I guess I don't have as much self-esteem as you, but I would most likely have made a couple of attempts to re-focus the other woman on me and then having failed at that, gleefully joined her in watching and absorbing all of the action, sounds, sights, and noises coming from my wife and her husband!
    +1

    If I was with a woman who wanted to watch her husband with my wife, I would have watched with her. Perhaps you are keeping some kind of balance sheet here.... equal number of penetrations? When they were done, they could have watched you two.

    I think calling stop was a huge overreaction to what was essentially a non-problem in a single instance. That may have occurred only during your first encounter. If it was an every time thing, then play in separate rooms, or just let your wife play with the husband, and you and the woman have a Pepsi.

  8. #8
    Mod Squad Member mrs good times's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stop!

    I too have been in this situation and I don't think it has anything to do with keeping a balance sheet, it has to do with being considerate. If a couple is so into watching each other that they cannot focus on their partner then they should convey that in the beginning. If I know that going in I am willing to watch and enjoy the view with other partner but when you are engaged and expecting a full swap situation then ignored it does make you feel like crap. You can't help but doubt yourself and wonder if the other partner has lost interest for some reason or another.
    One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains it original dimensions.

  9. #9
    Jay's Bumper Buddy ShellyM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stop!

    Quote Originally Posted by couplewanting50 View Post
    +1
    I think calling stop was a huge overreaction to what was essentially a non-problem in a single instance. That may have occurred only during your first encounter. If it was an every time thing, then play in separate rooms, or just let your wife play with the husband, and you and the woman have a Pepsi.
    I can agree to a point. But I know from personal experience, it makes you feel like crap...I know it did me. Plus, I felt as if he wanted to have sex with his wife than he was more than welcome to do so...I even asked him if he wanted to have sex with his wife and he said no. So it annoyed me. Perhaps its just me, but I felt disrespected. Now, I am NOT talking about glancing over lovingly, loving the fact that your partner is being pleasured. I'm talking about literally laying there like a dead fish, head turned watching. I for one did not appreciate it.
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho
    Shelly

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Stop!

    Quote Originally Posted by mrs good times View Post
    I too have been in this situation and I don't think it has anything to do with keeping a balance sheet, it has to do with being considerate. If a couple is so into watching each other that they cannot focus on their partner then they should convey that in the beginning. If I know that going in I am willing to watch and enjoy the view with other partner but when you are engaged and expecting a full swap situation then ignored it does make you feel like crap. You can't help but doubt yourself and wonder if the other partner has lost interest for some reason or another.
    AMEN Sister!
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho
    Shelly

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Stop!

    I can say from some experience that it is possible, particularly when new to the lifestyle, to look across the room and see your wife [or husband, as the case may be] in sexual engagement with a partner and have your head taken over by your inner voyeur, wanting to watch, in a kind of jaw-dropped sort of way. Aroused by it all.

    Is that staying in the moment with your own partner? No, of course not. Perhaps it could be defused by the partner saying, do you want to watch for a while? That would allow me, putting myself in it again, to be reminded of where I had gone.

    I have had a woman invite me to play in group, only to not engage, truly, as she just submerged herself in the presence of those invited, but did not engage with anyone. So I get the idea of connection lacking. I think a situation such as being described here can easily be more benign than it is being painted.

    I did not feel like crap with the aforementioned woman, I simply decided that I would not do that again.

  12. #12
    Swingers Board Addict fun4Ds's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stop!

    I'm seeing a whole lot of missed communication. even here you say you have left out details. obviously you didn't see it coming when she was overwhelmed with what was going on, on the other side of the bed. so was the couple inexperienced?

    saying stop is the best way to go if you were uncomfortable. i really tried to put myself in this situation. and am thinking hummmm. iv been with a woman that was a little unresponsive and distracted to say the least but i just handled it a little different. i was more about slowing down and lets see if things are cool here. my questions were, are you o.k.? have you ever watched before? how are you feeling? her responses were just letting things soak in here. damn they look hot. actually my back is hurting alot wright now. she had her feelings that were my responsibility to at least understand.

    i suppose that i could even understand that not all women get a sexual as Mrs.fun. but here is what i don't understand. i hope I'm wrong.

    she wanted to watch and you didn't know that beforehand.

    taking the underdogs side here, I'm trying to imagine how that poor girl felt when you vamosed her for not fucking you wright.

    were you clear to her that if your not getting what we are seeing over there,then your outta here?

    you said to this day she doesn't understand how you guys felt.

    can you say that you know how she feels?
    Last edited by fun4Ds; 10-12-2007 at 07:28 AM.

  13. #13
    Jay's Bumper Buddy ShellyM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stop!

    Quote Originally Posted by fun4Ds View Post
    I'm seeing a whole lot of missed communication. even here you say you have left out details. obviously you didn't see it coming when she was overwhelmed with what was going on, on the other side of the bed. so was the couple inexperienced?

    saying stop is the best way to go if you were uncomfortable. i really tried to put myself in this situation. and am thinking hummmm. iv been with a woman that was a little unresponsive and distracted to say the least but i just handled it a little different. i was more about slowing down and lets see if things are cool here. my questions were, are you o.k.? have you ever watched before? how are you feeling? her responses were just letting things soak in here. damn they look hot. actually my back is hurting alot wright now. she had her feelings that were my responsibility to at least understand.

    i suppose that i could even understand that not all women get a sexual as Mrs.fun. but here is what i don't understand. i hope I'm wrong.

    she wanted to watch and you didn't know that beforehand.

    taking the underdogs side here, I'm trying to imagine how that poor girl felt when you vamosed her for not fucking you wright.

    were you clear to her that if your not getting what we are seeing over there,then your outta here?




    you said to this day she doesn't understand how you guys felt.

    can you say that you know how she feels?
    I tried to trim it down but this damn laptop...plus I'm sick and its pre-coffee...so I am responding to the last 2 lines of the post. I can say that I agree, I think it should be explained to her what happened...if for nothing else if they are newbies they need to be taught. NOT in a rude way. When I was upset with the hubby as I mentioned before I talked with him after. I explained in a tactful way what I was frustrated with, why, etc. And he did acknowledge the fact that they usually to MFMs and perhaps he was rude to me in acting as he did. Because we talked we understood each other from there. So yes, I think she deserves to be told what happened. Absolutely. She probably does NOT know what she did wrong...and if its told to her in a gentle, tactful way she will most likely say "oh, I'm sorry you are right I did zone in on them" or perhaps she was feeling a little jealousy, or was shy...you never know until you talk with her. So yes, she deserves to know in my opinion.
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho
    Shelly

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