Over-Analyzing - need help

[petdenneedsmore]

I could use some advise here. My wife and I are happily married and have been swinging on and off for about two years. We are 45 years old. Generally speaking we have communicated well and have been very aware of each other. We play together same-room and will full swap with the right couples.

However the last three couples we have been with I have noticed myself starting to analyse the evening and the playtime, sometimes during the evening and for several days afterwards. I have become concerned that my wife is becoming more forward and aggressive with other men than before and her behaviour seems to be changing. She is liking other men an awful lot.

Although it is great that she is now experiencing other men ( we have been married for 25 years and I was her first man until we starting swinging two years ago ), she is becoming very aware of herself and almost a little too involved sexually. I feel like we are in the same room swinging but I am getting left on the side line watching and thinking. Another problem has been my erection control when using a condom, and I have totally lost the erection when trying to have intercourse with each other mans wife x3, and that has not been much fun either. Perhaps an example may help.

The last couple we were with, I noticed that he had my wife's legs wide open and some pretty serious work going in within two minutes of everyones clothes coming off. I noted to myself that was quick and boy they are not wasting any time here. Shortly after she wanted him to fuck her and I said yes thats fine go for it. Well a minute later he was pounding her from behind and I noticed just how hot and wet she had become, heavy breathing her hand on her clit and a huge orgasm followed. They both fucked and sucked etc for an hour after that as well. That took me back, and I had not seen that before from her.

Meanwhile all this time I was just playing with the other lady as she could not have intercourse that night ( monthly just passed ) and regardless I could not have got an erection anyway because I was analysing what was going on in the room with my wife. I know she really enjoyed the night and I am really pleased for her. I said to her the next day how hot she had got and what was it like and she replied " oh it wasn't that good really nothing earth shattering ", to which I replied that she should not say that in such a dismissive tone as she had fucked for over an hour in around ten different positions!! T

hen I said to her did she realise that she has had intercousre with three times as many men as I had intercourse with other women now. To which she replied and carried on " you should not be keeping a tally "

So What are my questions here?

1 Am I just going through a phase, will I get used to this new wife?
2 Have other men/couples had these same feelings and what have you done?
3. Have other men had erection control problems when puttiing on the condom?

Any help and advise would be appreciated.

[JTcamp05]

Seriously....not to make light of your feelings...but let me get this right..... You want your wife to "swing" with you, but you don't want her to enjoy it?


Sorry but isnt that the point !!....... I would think you would be excited that she is comfortable enough to let herself go and enjoy the sex.

AND

Are we keeping score here, you have sex 3 times so I get to have sex 3 times, grow up....sometimes it happens sometimes it doesnt...... We plan trips well in advance and well on ocassion my wife has that time of the month during our trip. Thats life!!!


I really think your having some performance anxiety, which happens to many men. Try to relax, have fun, be happy your wife is enjoying the lifestyle that you both want and things will happen much easier.

[avid]

A woman in her 40's, finding her own sexual power, is an amazing thing. Like a force of nature.

I know my husband was a little intimidated at first. We still talk about how much I've changed, more than 2 years later. In our relationship, he was always the one who initiated sex, and if I wasn't too averse to the idea, I'd "give in".

I think what I've done is gotten over (or worked through) my societal conditioning about sex. "Good girls" don't like sex, right? I remember what a revelation it was that I could "demand" sex when I wanted it, similar to how I perceived a man did it. After a couple of years, and a whole bunch of life changes (my husband is a saint, by the way, for putting up with me!), things are settling down into a "new normal".

What I'm left with is the knowledge of my own sexuality, my female strength and power, and more of a balanced outlook towards sex in general.

It could be that your wife is working through similar issues, and what the situation looks like today may not be what it looks like in another year. Please continue to talk to her about your own insecurities, your fears around how much she's changed, and let her know that you value her honesty about her feelings, if she would like to share them.

[Majikcream]

I think your feelings about the situation are very mixed up. You stated that she has only had you until you started swinging. My friend, she is starting to open up sexually. She does things with other guys that you did not expect? Did you expect her to stay in the missionary position with everyone? Instead of feeling regretful, feel happy that she is opening up. Share your concerns with her. Are you dissapointed that she is finding other encounters enticing? You should be happy about it. Through out life, if we are only taught to do or think a certain way, that is how we will be. Until someone else shows us that it COULD be different. Watch her, closely, let her actions teach you what she likes. Do not be offended if she likes to do something with him, that she told you she wouldn't do. Even though you have been swinging for two years, and married much longer, she is still finding out what she likes. The main thing is, let her enjoy it, as long as she still goes home with you, life is good.

[dayhiker]

I'll just add another view about the same situation.

Often people talk, interreact differntly with differnt people. There is one lady I have dance with a couple of times. She has a totally differnt personality from otehr woman I've danced with. Then I dance with her my dance style is totally different. Well, your wife will have sexually different ways of expressing as she reacts to the guy she is with.

Yup you can analyse that and have a lot of mental fun with the right attitude. But you are going to have to accept that these new experiences will change her and your going to have to accept that and love the new person she becomes. Not that she will stop being herself, but that you will see a new side of her.

dayhiker

[petdenneedsmore]

Hi

yes thanks for the advise folks and it is appreciated, the problem is mine afterall isn't it, and I do need to let go a little, get over it and enjoy things a lot more and stop worrying and analysing...........Thank you avid for that womans perspective too, I can understand that............she is coming home every night..........Hey maybe I am a littel jealous of this new found sexual freedom............cheers ( and she is talking of getting a tattoo as well LOL )

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

However the last three couples we have been with I have noticed myself starting to analyse the evening and the playtime, sometimes during the evening and for several days afterwards. .

This is not good. You cannot begin to enjoy yourself when you are keeping score like this. It sounds like you aren't ready for full swing play in my opinion. And I'll be honest...I've been the couple trying to have fun with the other couple who is analyzing like that...its horribly uncomfortable and not at all fun. So you ruin your own night and probably the night of the other wife. She can tell that you aren't into her, trust me.

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

Although it is great that she is now experiencing other men ( we have been married for 25 years and I was her first man until we starting swinging two years ago ), she is becoming very aware of herself and almost a little too involved sexually. I feel like we are in the same room swinging but I am getting left on the side line watching and thinking. Another problem has been my erection control when using a condom, and I have totally lost the erection when trying to have intercourse with each other mans wife x3, and that has not been much fun either. Perhaps an example may help..

Again, I think you need to try soft or moderate swap vs. full. Now as a woman I feel good that your wife is coming into her own sexually. And as a woman I can honestly tell you that the pleasure she is having with him has nothing to do at all with the love she has for you. No man can take your place...don't think for a second that she is comparing lust with the love she has for you. And again, the other wife suffers because you are analyzing and thus have ED issues.

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

The last couple we were with, I noticed that he had my wife's legs wide open and some pretty serious work going in within two minutes of everyones clothes coming off. I noted to myself that was quick and boy they are not wasting any time here. Shortly after she wanted him to fuck her and I said yes thats fine go for it. Well a minute later he was pounding her from behind and I noticed just how hot and wet she had become, heavy breathing her hand on her clit and a huge orgasm followed. They both fucked and sucked etc for an hour after that as well. That took me back, and I had not seen that before from her.

Meanwhile all this time I was just playing with the other lady as she could not have intercourse that night ( monthly just passed ) and regardless I could not have got an erection anyway because I was analysing what was going on in the room with my wife. I know she really enjoyed the night and I am really pleased for her. I said to her the next day how hot she had got and what was it like and she replied " oh it wasn't that good really nothing earth shattering ", to which I replied that she should not say that in such a dismissive tone as she had fucked for over an hour in around ten different positions!! T.

Do you expect your wife to NOT have a good time? I mean, you are there to fuck, and I see nothing wrong with her enjoying herself. Hell, thats what we all go to do! I can't reiterate enough, you are NOT ready for full swap...and if you are perhaps separate room play is best for you. I don't think anyone is going to have a good time unless you come to being comfortable with your wife having sex with other people.

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

1 Am I just going through a phase, will I get used to this new wife?
2 Have other men/couples had these same feelings and what have you done?
3. Have other men had erection control problems when puttiing on the condom?
Any help and advise would be appreciated.

My advise for you is to temporarily halt full play. Sit down with your wife and talk with her about how you feel. In my opinion if you are not comfortable with her completely being able to let go and enjoy herself than I say stop...because we are here to expand our horizons and enjoy ourselves. What will start happening is she won't have any fun either because she will always have it in the back of her mind that you are watching and keeping tally. Don't do that. Its not fun for you, for your wife and definately not for the other couple. So until you come to terms with this I say at least pull back to soft swap. Of course, this is just my opinion. And I'm NOT judging you....swinging is NOT for everyone, and thats okay!!! Anyways, best of luck to you.
Shelly

[iapr]

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

Ihen I said to her did she realise that she has had intercousre with three times as many men as I had intercourse with other women now. To which she replied and carried on " you should not be keeping a tally "

So What are my questions here?

1 Am I just going through a phase, will I get used to this new wife?
2 Have other men/couples had these same feelings and what have you done?
3. Have other men had erection control problems when puttiing on the condom?

Any help and advise would be appreciated.

#1 and #2. . yes you may be going through a phase and it is good that you have recognized that you are getting "a new wife." There are several things that will determine if you will be able to be successfull swingers at this juncture. What is taking place is that for the first time in her life your wife is being able to be the sexual person that she wants to be. From the moment she is born a woman's sexuality is controlled by her parents, her church, her peers and society as a whole. then when she becomes married she is controlled a great deal by her husband as well as societal expectations.

This is actually a fairly common issue in swinging and it can become a deal breaker and can cause a lot of couples to throw in the towel. The husband spends a great deal of time and energy to try swinging and then the wife reluctantly agrees and then when she actually gets into an environment where she has permission and acceptance to be sexual she discovers she likes and that she actually IS a sexual being. Then what happens is the husband freaks out because (in your words - "I had not seen that in her before")

Not only that the husband realizes he is not a porno star on the set of his own porno flick. There are no gorgeous women hanging on him at all times. There aren't horny chicks begging for his dick and when he does get the opportunity to be with another woman he is so shocked at what his wife is doing that he has performance issues with his own equipment. Welcome to the world of REAL swinging!!!!

The only solution I have for this is to shift your focus of your swinging intentions and focus on you two as a couple. If you want to continue swinging you will need to embrace and nurture and empower her new found sexual nature. You two will need to communicate at all times and find a way to let your swinging experiences enhance your sexual dynamics as a couple and not look at it in terms of two different people having separate sexual experiences. If you are going to swing it has to be something that you two do as a couple and the energy and eroticism and excitement of the encounter enrich your sexuality as a couple.

You will never be able to compete with her or to even come close to her sexual capacity nor her sexual opportunities. The lifestyle is about the women and their sexuality, not the males. Stop keeping score and enjoy the experiences as a whole. Keep in mind your wife is becoming a swinger and many men throughout the world would give anything for that. If you bend over backwards to keep her happy and take care of her you will reap the many rewards. If you can not accomplish this you will not be successfull.



#3. yeah all men on planet earth have had some erection problems at one time or another. Your issues are on #1 and #2, focus on them first and worry about your dick last.

[md70mtl]

The lifestyle is about the women and their sexuality...... If you bend over backwards to keep her happy and take care of her you will reap the many rewards.

Hmmm.. my impression is that to take some adventurous endeavour, it is best to make sure BOTH partners are happy.. not just one half. I'm in full agreement with going at the pace of the least inclined, regardless of gender. Lets flip the genders on the text above and see how that sounds:

"The lifestyle is about the men and their sexuality...... If you bend over backwards to keep him happy and take care of him you will reap the many rewards."

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

...I noticed just how hot and wet she had become, heavy breathing her hand on her clit and a huge orgasm followed. They both fucked and sucked etc for an hour after that as well. That took me back, and I had not seen that before from her.

Question: does she get very horny and hot for you like this at home? When you say you've not seen this before from her, do you mean just in swinging, or do you mean that you have not ever seen her like this before?

[bethncole]

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

1 Am I just going through a phase, will I get used to this new wife?

It is really up to you. Are you? Why does it bother you that your wife "seems" to have a better time with another man? Isn't it the whole point of the lifestyle - to experience new people (something that you can't do with your partner ever again)?

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

2 Have other men/couples had these same feelings and what have you done?

Yes, I have. And I love when my wife seems to have a "better" time with other men than me. I know it's actually not true because no feelings are involved but it sure seems that way and that's fine with me. I love her and I want her to have the best sex ever ( even if it may not always be with me ).

Whenever we have an issue or something is bothering one of us about the lifestyle - we do want no couple can survive without in the lifestyle: we talk! Open communication is the key.

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

3. Have other men had erection control problems when puttiing on the condom?

A lot of circumsized men do. The foreskin protects your dick from de-censetizing and if it's gone - something thin like a condom can take most of the sensation away. Try using self-warming lube and ultra-thin condoms.

[petdenneedsmore]

Ok

We got through some issues as we have posted here and things were going along well. Then we met a new couple and chatted. Found out of the new couple, the ladywas a squirter at the meeting and we all had to laugh as we had been trying for a year to get Mrs Petdenneedsmore to squirt but to no avail. We chatted about that a bit and that was the end of that, until we met to play one evening. All was going well and right at the very end of the night I left the room to go and get a drink and go to the bathroom etc.......I was away a bit but could hear the sounds of some serious playtime going in on the mrs petdenneedsmore's pussy. ( I thought we had pretty much completed the evening and were all just talking )I. came back in to the room to find she had been worked up so much by Mr othercouple that she had gushed ( squirted ) for the first time and had a big g spot orgasm. Well I really did not respond to that well, beacuse this guy knew we had not been able to acheive that and yet he had there and then. Not only that it, was a good one too.....instead of being really happy and thrilled for my Mrs, I became upset and offended..........why.... well he did not say a word all night but had spent much time on her g spot and not said a word to either of us ( the mrs did not get it either, but we understand now ).......he was hell bent on getting her to squirt all night, and waited till I was out of the room to do it and achieve it..........neither of us ( me or the mrs cottoned on to it all night duh!!).....He seemed to really get off on his achievement and seemed thrilled at what he had done. Mrs Petdenneedsmore was strangely quiet too, beacuse of what had happened without my being present to share the joy.............I felt very excluded and concerned, and a bit shocked at their actions........so here are my questions..............

1. Do you think this guy should have involved all of us and talked to us about what he was doing, it was very clear ( and clearer now )he was intent and used techniques he knew to get the mrs to squirt, he never sad a word all night but we now know what he was doing....? It was very odd and things could have been so good all around if he had spent the time to teach and coach us instead of just doing it ???......

2. Ladies....the mrs says she had no idea she had squirted at all, and had know idea this was what he was doing to her ( g spot massage etc etc ) and she was shocked she had, is the possible, from what I have read you do know when you have been worked up in this way, and you do know when you have squirted....??

3. Should he have waited till we were all together and shared his skills and knowledge instead of just doing the process to see if he could get her to squirt without consent?

How hard would it have been to chat to us and involve us both knowing that we were keen on the idea................

Thnaks

[socolais]

I can't relate to your reaction. All the activity of the other husband you describe could also be percieved as innocently committed to giving your wife as good of a time as he could. I believe your wife didn't interpret his actions as any kind of malice or she probably wouldn't have cum so intensely.

My sincere guess is that the problem is in your perception. I want the other husband to fuck my wife's brains out and I want to give the his wife as much of a fun time as I can. Just don't leaver her so sore she takes a couple days to heal

I think you spoiled your wife's moment by your reaction. Replay the events in your mind and this time when you walk back into the room with an empty bladder and a full glass, you see your wife with a big assed smile and a glow that illuminates the room, you set your glass down and climb on top of her because you feel an irresistable urge to enjoy the moment with her. Doesn't that sound like a lot more fun than worrying about your techniques being as good as someone elses.

And the part about keeping your spouse happy and you'll reap rewards - that's just another way of saying, "stop being selfish".

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

1. Do you think this guy should have involved all of us and talked to us about what he was doing, it was very clear ( and clearer now )he was intent and used techniques he knew to get the mrs to squirt, he never sad a word all night but we now know what he was doing....? It was very odd and things could have been so good all around if he had spent the time to teach and coach us instead of just doing it ???......

2. Ladies....the mrs says she had no idea she had squirted at all, and had know idea this was what he was doing to her ( g spot massage etc etc ) and she was shocked she had, is the possible, from what I have read you do know when you have been worked up in this way, and you do know when you have squirted....??

3. Should he have waited till we were all together and shared his skills and knowledge instead of just doing the process to see if he could get her to squirt without consent?

How hard would it have been to chat to us and involve us both knowing that we were keen on the idea................

1. We all generally have sex the same way with our various partners. We kind of 'store up' what has worked for us before...you try that on someone and if it doesn't get the reaction you normally get, then you start 'tweaking' your actions...suck a little harder, touch a little lighter, etc. You can not 'accuse' the other husband of nefarious intent when he's basically just doing what he normally does. Some women just can't squirt...some can...some can and have never been stimulated enough to do so. There is a guy here that I have heard stories about...basically he is very good at getting women to do that, even if they never have before. It's just one of his talents apparently.

2. I have had maybe 1 major gushing session while I have been with my boyfriend...and I wasn't 'aware' that was the reaction he was going to cause. He regularly plays with/hits my gspot during sex and it was not a concious reaction. As a matter of fact, if you are hesitant to do it (scared you'll mess up the sheets, or that your partner will be turned off by it), I'm sure it is a sensation that can be stopped (kind of like a man thinking non-sexy thoughts to put off his orgasm or something of the like).

The night it happened, I was not exceptionally worked up when it happened. I just happened to be relaxed enough and at a good angle for him to continually hit the spot on every stroke in, that it happened.

3. Obviously your wife was consenting, so stop pouting. I don't mean that to sound ugly...but seriously, read what you have written. What precisely did you do when you came back to the room to see that this had happened? Even if she's there in an amazing afterglow, seeing you come back to the room with a thundercloud hanging over your head probably snapped her right out of it. You said she was 'strangely quiet'...she probably saw that you were ready to burst open and may not have wanted to say anything to set you off.

Your wife has a good time, with someone that has a different skill set than you do, and you are getting bent about it. I agree with other posters that maybe you need to do separate room play, but even then if your wife would have come back after playtime was over and told you she soaked the sheets...would you have come unhinged? Just ask the guy for some pointers or if you have the general idea of what he did...then practice on your wife and it will eventually happen.

Basically I know that if I have an earthshattering orgasm or 5 with a play partner, and my boyfriend knows I had a good time...I know he's going to be happy I had fun. There will be no "Well you've never done that for me" kind of thing being thrown in my face.

On the flip side, if I've asked you to do something specific (tie me up, or a certain position or whatever)...and you don't/won't/can't/don't do it often enough even when I ask you specifically to do it during playtime....but you are all gung ho to do it with a swing partner...THEN I have a problem.

Also, if you are concentrating on your partner (like a good swing partner should), it may be hard to have a running commentary or conversation...or even a coherent thought. My best example of this: Our first time out, we had a condom break. What does my SO do? Stop play? No, rips the condom off and keeps on going. A few min later, my partner walked past the room where they were and saw it laying on the floor. We quickly called play to an end....I held my composure until we got home. I have repeatedly asked him wtf was he thinking to just take it off and continue when that is basically our cardinal rule (no condom no play). Guess he figured if he had caught anything the damage was done there....but he wasn't 'concious' enough to realize that he made a major fuck up until I called to him from the next room (and then apparently some of the blood from his dick made it back to his secondary brain so he could 'think' again) and asked him why he wasn't wearing a condom. I posted about it on here...and I'm sure at the time the post was made I was a little more hysterical than I am now. lol

You may want to re-evaluate whether swinging is a good thing for you as a couple.

Maria

[WesternSwing]

First, your wife's new-found lustiness for sex has sparked some jealousy in you. You're afraid that she is enjoying it with other men more than you or that she is just enjoying it with other men too much for your comfort. To that I have to say, then why are you swinging if she can't really let loose and enjoy sex with others? You say you are thrilled that she is enjoying herself, but then you are writing that it's freaking your out, which means you really aren't that thrilled.

I know what you mean though. I think many swingers go through this at one time or another, where they feel their partner is getting into it too much with the other person. It swells feelings of insecurity, that somehow you've never been "enough". But here's what I've discovered myself.

1) You are away from home in a sexually charged atmosphere with new sex partners. Of course it's going to be HOT. It's new sex with new people that think you're sexy. Somehow others thinking you are desirable carries allot of weight after so many years of marriage because after all, your spouse HAS to think you're hot, right? So being with someone for the first time that really has the hots for you is a huge turn-on even if the overall sex is not that good.

2) She is probably putting on a bit of a show for him (and you) also. She wants to impress him, and wants to make you proud by him thinking you are the luckiest man in the world. I know Mrs. WS does just that. A little bit of pornstar comes out in her.

Originally Posted by petdenneedsmore

So What are my questions here?

1 Am I just going through a phase, will I get used to this new wife?

Well, are you going to let yourself enjoy this new wife of yours? You've given her the greatest gift a husband ever could... her sexuality and the trust that she will use it responsibly. But, you have to allow yourself to get as much into her sexiness as she is. You have to allow yourself to have as much fun with it as she does. It's not "getting used to", it's "getting over yourself" and your own insecurities about her newfound sexuality. Remember, it was YOU that helped her discover it.

2 Have other men/couples had these same feelings and what have you done?

See above.

3. Have other men had erection control problems when putting on the condom?

I never have, but I know of men that say that condoms kill their erection. I personally think it's more mental than anything physical, and in your case I'd say it's not the condom but your over analyzing and concern over what your wife is doing. Over analyzing it is killing your fun and eventually hers too. It's also killing the fun of your partner for the night. I think your erection problems are all mental and nothing physical. You need to get more relaxed with what is going on and it'll all come back.

For me, it was just lots more times swinging. Then one day it clicked in my head: "hey, she'd just got royally rogered by that guy and she still thinks a quickie with me is better and I'm the greatest thing in the world." When Mrs. WS hadn't ever thrown me under the bus like the little voice in my head kept telling me she could, than it all came together and "clicked". Now, I revel in her sexuality as much if not more than she does. I absolutely love her being "naughty" and giving other guys the time of their life. It really has become a pride thing that I am married to such a hot woman. And the best thing of all... I get to have sex with her whenever I want...

Mr. WS