Couple not agreeing on the terms

[Mr&MrsSwing]

I was going to say I would try to make this quick, but everyone says that, and its usually not true..

Quick background (again): husband and I have been swinging for a year and half almost. Had several swaps, and also hook up with singles (away from our partners). Most everything has been fine. OK I dance at a club as a gogodancer and he usually goes to party there too. One evening he met a girl, and she left to another club. He called and made sure I knew he was going to follow her, since she was showing interest. I told him to get out there and make me proud. At the end of the night, he ended up making out with her. That was it.

So a few weeks later (two days ago), we go out to a club together with a girlfriend of mine that my husband hooks up with every once in a while. At the club we see an old friend of mine I had always had the hots for. Excited, I told him I wanted to make out with him (he is very strict about equality, though I am not. My friend we were with hooked up with him about 3-4 more times in the past. which is more experiences than I have had). So my husband says "sure, of course you can". At this point I am VERY excited, I had always found this guy attractive. My husband buys me and my friend a drink and then goes to the front of the club to wait for a guy friend of his who was going to show up. I decide hey I got the green light to move in on this guy, so I urge my friend to help me come talk to him. We talk for about 5 minutes, and I am somewhat leaning in and we are inches away from having the "makeout potential" when my husband comes up to us. I get a bit startled and I am a little tipsy already. He taps the guy on the back and says "hey im nick, nice to meet you" so I introduce him as my husband, etc.. Then my husband sees the look on my face and says "sorry did I interrupt you making your move?" and i say "oh my gosh we were like 20 seconds away!" so he leaves, LOOKING A LITTLE MIFFED. Anywho, I make my move again, and it is successful. I make out with him for a while, and talk some more to him for about an hour. I know that my husband was with his friend, so I assumed he was having a good time too. Later that night, my guy I had the hots for was going to a club next door. So I say, ok I am going to find my husband and meet you there later again for a bit hopefully.
I find my husband and he already has that dead look mad face on. I didn't think it was me though, so I told him I had a great time and was going to try to go kiss him once more and then we could leave so I did just that.

Ok, so here it comes: the problem. My husband tells me he felt totally excluded. He felt totally out of control he says. He felt as if I didn't want him there. And he assumed I would have had the love, and respect for him to at least introduce him to this guy. He said he felt totally pushed aside when I told him "he was ruining my move making". He told me he thought I was going to introduce him to this guy. THEN he (my husband) would leave. THEN he told me I should have come to him about twenty minutes later, check up on him (check up on my husband that is), tell him "hey babe, I am going to make my move now, I'll come back soon" and then go back, make out with him, then come back a little later to tell him i did it already, and how things were going.

Am I being self centered in thinking that most of that is ridiculous? I think that coming back constantly to "Check up" on my husband sounds stupid.

A little advice and help.

I told him I think we are on different pages as far as control issues are concerned. I don't need to be informed of his every move. He is free to get what he can, with just my permission. After I had his permission to make out with this guy, I thought that was enough. Obviously it wasn't. Maybe outside parties can help with advice?

[Gladiola4u]

I think your husband is being selfish. It's okay for himto go ahead and do all these things with whomever he wants to hook up with on his own but it's not okay for you. You guys have agreed that it's okay to play separate and he has had his chances and when yours comes up than he feels left out. This is double standard and should be clear on what he really wants or agrees on when it comes to playing.
Checking up on him every 20 minutes it's not only stupid but childish after he told you it was okay.
I would suggest you two to sit down and again talk on what rules you guys are okay with and which ones not and it has to be equally for both of you, it can't be okay only when he wants to go play and have fun. For most couples, they get into swinging for mutual satisfaction and set their rules so that both parties are happy and can swing with no problems.
Sit down, talk and discuss what is best for both of you and what is it that you guys are not happy with. It's better to sit and talk about it befor it becomes and issue in your relationship.

Good luck!!!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Gladiola4u

I would suggest you two to sit down and again talk on what rules you guys are okay with and which ones not

One of the tougher lessons to learn in the lifestyle is not to make your rules after the fact. It is far better to have to many rules and trim those down than to start with nothing and step all over each other's toes like a couple learning to dance.

I think that without having really set any real expectations, he should expect that you are going to follow and play by the example he has set for you. So - unless he comes to you at each "phase" of picking up someone, you shouldn't be expected to - or reasonably have assumed that you needed to.

Spoomonkey

[iapr]

Male half here. I know exactly how he felt and while I was able to recognize it right away and was able to deal with it and not make it her problem the feelings were there at the time just the same. so in other words Been there, done that...survived it just fine.

Emotions are a funny thing and one activity that is just fine and dandy one day with one person in one envirnment will set you off the deep end another time. In my case I unexpectly found myself being attacked by the greeneyed monster even though I kept telling myself that I should not be having any issues at all. The problem was the greeneyed monster kept attacking anyway. I didn't want to feel that way and knew that I shouldn't be feeling that way but I was feeling it nonetheless.

I would advise to let things settle for a few days, give him lots of one on one lovin' and let him know without a doubt that he is #1 and then maybe in a few days he will have figured out what set him off. There may have something real simple and stupid that set him off and it you can get it out in the open and it can be something that is easily avoided in the future.

In the mean time just give him lotsa loving one on one attention and he will heal up just fine. These things do happen from time to time and it is a good bet that one of these days you'll have an attack too. The important thing is not so much that it happens but rather how you deal with it when it does happen.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Mr&MrsSwing

He taps the guy on the back and says "hey im nick, nice to meet you" so I introduce him as my husband, etc.. Then my husband sees the look on my face and says "sorry did I interrupt you making your move?" and i say "oh my gosh we were like 20 seconds away!" so he leaves, LOOKING A LITTLE MIFFED. Anywho, I make my move again, and it is successful.

Hi there, I agree with everybody else that your husband wasn't being quite fair (especially about the check-up-every-20-minutes thing he told you after the fact). BUT, we all might have our moments of insecurity or a little bit of neediness at any given moment in the lifestyle - we're all only human, and things happen. Sometimes, it might be just that particular individual you're interested in that sparks a little jealousy. If it were anybody else, no problem. Know what I mean? (Women experience this feeling, too.) Or, it might be the way you seemed to feel about that guy (more excited than normal) that sparked a little jealousy.

I think it's important that you SAW that your husband was miffed in that moment, and you blew him off and kept focusing on Mr. Right Now. I think that we owe it to our spouses to respect their feelings first, even if they are being temporarily irrational or a little bit unfair. It might be unfair, but it's how they're feeling in the moment. Spouse comes first, hook-ups come second.

Maybe if you'd have stepped away and talked to your husband when you first noticed that something was amiss with him, it could have been resolved with a little talk. I think it's respectful to be intuitive and responsive to our spouse's feelings first and foremost. When you saw him the second time and saw he still didn't look too happy, you blew him off again: "I find my husband and he already has that dead look mad face on. I didn't think it was me though, so I told him I had a great time and was going to try to go kiss him once more and then we could leave so I did just that."

Now, if he was a macho double-standard butt-head all the time, that's a different matter. But you've been swinging for a year and a half, including going very separate from each other and you said, "Most everything has been fine" in this year and a half. A jealous, double-standard guy wouldn't have handled that. Sounds like he's not a putz, he just experienced some feelings that night.

He said he felt excluded, as if you didn't want him there when he introduced himself to the guy. He said he assumed you would have had the love and respect for him to at least introduce him to this guy. (quoting you.) This is your husband opening up his feelings to you and being honest. This is what we women want from our men, right?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by iapr

Emotions are a funny thing and one activity that is just fine and dandy one day with one person in one envirnment will set you off the deep end another time. In my case I unexpectly found myself being attacked by the greeneyed monster even though I kept telling myself that I should not be having any issues at all. The problem was the greeneyed monster kept attacking anyway. I didn't want to feel that way and knew that I shouldn't be feeling that way but I was feeling it nonetheless.

I was still typing when you posted, and this is just what I meant, too.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I think it's important that you SAW that your husband was miffed in that moment, and you blew him off and kept focusing on Mr. Right Now. I think that we owe it to our spouses to respect their feelings first, even if they are being temporarily irrational or a little bit unfair. It might be unfair, but it's how they're feeling in the moment. Spouse comes first, hook-ups come second.

I just wanted to Dito this. VERY good point!

Spoomonkey

[theswingers43]

Well I am the jelouse unfair husband at had. For what its worth we are not married so I just put girlfriend in response, anywyas here is my rebutal or rather my side of the story. Take it or leave it

We went to a bar about 5 nights ago. As we entered the bar my girlfriend saw her middle school crush was in attendance. I was happy for her, because this might be an opportunity to at least get some mild action (kissing, groping) that night. We proceed to the bar get some drinks and try to settle into the environment. At this point my girlfriend asks if it is ok to possibly make out with her middle school crush. I tell her yeah of course. Before I am able to finish my sentence a friend calls me, and says he is having problems getting into the club. I go outside to resolve the issue and return into the club with my friend. As I approach my girlfriend to let her know that my friend has arrived she is already about to make her move on her crush, which I felt was a little fast, and would have liked a bit of a heads up before anything was going to go down, but none the less she had already made her move. As I come up to the two of them a little bewildered as to exactly what’s going on, my girlfriend looks over at me and utters her frustration that I am even in her vicinity and tells me that she was already about to “mack him”. Being a little dumbfounded and at a loss of words since she hadn’t run anything by me, and the fact that I had just left for two minutes, I kind of just stand there for a second or two. She doesn’t introduce me to the guy and kinda just stands there hoping that I would disappear. After this awkward pause I must eventually introduce myself to the guy (who already knows I exist). Because my girlfriend got mad that I even came up to them, even though she didn’t let me know what was going on, and refused to introduce me to this guy, I basically walk away somewhat bummed out as to what just happen.
At this point I am not really comfortable with what’s going on, but I am willing to let it go and go talk with my friend allowing my girlfriend some freedom even after what had just happened. Hoping that she would recognize the fact that there is little to no control occurring in this situation with her crush I wait on the other side of the club hoping she will come and check in on me. Simply letting me know what was going on and assuring all parties were comfortable since we had not spoken about this situation at all previous. Well hours go by and she never comes. The night is almost over and she comes up to me not to see how I am doing or if everything is cool, but to let m know she is fallowing the guy to another bar. At this point I m so hurt I simply say “OK”, and she scampers off half drunk to party it up with a guy she totally dissed me, her partner for.
By the end of the night all they had done was have make out session after make out session, but I hope you can see that this is not in the least what angers me in this situation, (she has had sex with like 5 guys already) but rather how she treated me leading up to her experience. There was no communication as to what was to go down or if I was cool with everything. Instead I feel like there was the simple question of the go ahead, and for my girlfriend, she was off to the races, with out a care in the world for me. And for us, that’s not how we do it. We always check with the other person and let them know what going to happen and where and how, etc and we make sure all bases are covered before we act out on our hook ups. I kinda felt like my girlfriend was just so hyped to get with her crush she neglected any form of communication with me and disrespected my feelings.
The main reason this is an issue is not just what happened, though it was a slap in the face to me, I can get over it, but the fact my girlfriend feels that she had every right to do what she did and is actually mad that I had the audacity to approach her and her crush after I picked up my friend not knowing what was going on. She feels like I should have not cared, and once I saw she had made her move to leave them alone. But I didn’t even know it was already going to go down, because she never let me know anything. She also feels she didn’t need to introduce me because I should have understood this might deter the guy from hooking up with her, even though every single girl I have been with has met my girlfriend and is ok with it. Either way she refuses to hear me out and feels like she is the righteous one.

Note this is kinda he said she said, i understand tha but a lot of the stuff I put in my response is biased and you MUST understand A LOT of the stuff my girlfriend put in her first post is biased as well. So try and see the whole picture for what its truly worth.

[spectraschain]

Wow. My first inclination would be to RUN, not walk...

You've answered most all of your own questions here, others far more informed than I can offer some advice, but this is pretty much cut & dried...

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by theswingers43

Note this is kinda he said she said, i understand tha but a lot of the stuff I put in my response is biased and you MUST understand A LOT of the stuff my girlfriend put in her first post is biased as well. So try and see the whole picture for what its truly worth.

My "quick reference" advice?

When you take your issues on-line to deal with them with strangers, you might not be ready to swing. If there is a relationship to be had between the two of you, focus on that for now and leave "middle school crushes" and other peripheral playmates out of the picture.

Spoomonkey

[spectraschain]

Note this is kinda he said she said

Well, that makes it a touch difficult to draw any conclusions...

Sounds to me, this is a scrum that would be hard to mediate. Hell, I'm still trying to determine if you two are married....or not.

The keypad is probably not the ideal arena for solving this type of conflict, I'm thinking you two had better get in one another's face.

[spectraschain]

Aw, Spoo, ya beat me to it......

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by spectraschain

Aw, Spoo, ya beat me to it......

I suffer from premature speculation.



Spoomonkey

PS - Fortunately, my opinions rarely last longer than four hours, nixing the need for medical intervention.

[theswingers43]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I think it's important that you SAW that your husband was miffed in that moment, and you blew him off and kept focusing on Mr. Right Now. I think that we owe it to our spouses to respect their feelings first, even if they are being temporarily irrational or a little bit unfair. It might be unfair, but it's how they're feeling in the moment. Spouse comes first, hook-ups come second...

Maybe if you'd have stepped away and talked to your husband when you first noticed that something was amiss with him, it could have been resolved with a little talk. I think it's respectful to be intuitive and responsive to our spouse's feelings first and foremost. When you saw him the second time and saw he still didn't look too happy, you blew him off again: "I find my husband and he already has that dead look mad face on. I didn't think it was me though, so I told him I had a great time and was going to try to go kiss him once more and then we could leave so I did just that."

Now, if he was a macho double-standard butt-head all the time, that's a different matter. But you've been swinging for a year and a half, including going very separate from each other and you said, "Most everything has been fine" in this year and a half. A jealous, double-standard guy wouldn't have handled that. Sounds like he's not a putz, he just experienced some feelings that night.

He said he felt excluded, as if you didn't want him there when he introduced himself to the guy. He said he assumed you would have had the love and respect for him to at least introduce him to this guy. (quoting you.) This is your husband opening up his feelings to you and being honest. This is what we women want from our men, right?

That about sums up everything I feel

[Tybee Swing]

Hi there,

I used "husband" and "wife" in my response before because your girlfriend posts as "Mr&Mrs". You never know, I guess!

It wasn't clear in this thread, until the following quote - your guidelines as a couple, what you agree on - your "rules" together:

Originally Posted by theswingers43

And for us, that’s not how we do it. We always check with the other person and let them know what going to happen and where and how, etc and we make sure all bases are covered before we act out on our hook ups.

You two have talked about these things before, right? Did she agree to these things before? If so, I don't know how she can continue to be angry at you for how this thing went down. She broke all the rules you two had:

Originally Posted by theswingers43

As I come up to the two of them a little bewildered as to exactly what’s going on, my girlfriend looks over at me and utters her frustration that I am even in her vicinity and tells me that she was already about to “mack him”. Being a little dumbfounded and at a loss of words since she hadn’t run anything by me, and the fact that I had just left for two minutes, I kind of just stand there for a second or two. She doesn’t introduce me to the guy and kinda just stands there hoping that I would disappear. After this awkward pause I must eventually introduce myself to the guy (who already knows I exist). Because my girlfriend got mad that I even came up to them, even though she didn’t let me know what was going on, and refused to introduce me to this guy, I basically walk away somewhat bummed out as to what just happen.
By the end of the night all they had done was have make out session after make out session, but I hope you can see that this is not in the least what angers me in this situation, (she has had sex with like 5 guys already) but rather how she treated me leading up to her experience. There was no communication as to what was to go down or if I was cool with everything.

Originally Posted by theswingers43

I kinda felt like my girlfriend was just so hyped to get with her crush she neglected any form of communication with me and disrespected my feelings.

I get that feeling, too. You said she was angry you came over and she didn't seem to want her relationship status known (she has a boyfriend), because it might ruin her chances of bagging the middle school crush.
Very manipulative and very selfish. That's NOT swinging. Swinging is something a couple chooses together without hiding from the potential play partner the fact that they're a couple. The other guy had the right to know if he was dealing with a single girl or not-so-single girl. Everybody deserves the truth.

I've known of quite a few married men who hide the fact that they're married (pretend to be single or separated) so that they can score threesomes with couples, or hook up with single girls. Lying (or "omitting" important information) just to get laid. Your girlfriend's technique of dissing you and apparently trying to appear single to her crush is the same thing.

If my significant other played this game, we would not be swinging.

Good luck to you.