What if you find out afterwards that your relationship is over?...

[lovingcouple321]

Hi
It seems that reading through the site all swingers have good experiences. But my biggest question is what if after a full on swinging experience you have the feeling that this was your biggest mistake ever and you fear that this might break your relationship? I'm interested to hear about 'the worst experiences'.

[ViSexual]

I'm sure everyone considers this exact possibility.

But, if you both agree that you both, and say again both, are interested in giving it a try then you don't have anything to worry about.

I don't think any couple has ever split up because of something that happened when they participated in swinging if they both wanted to try it. The couples who split up after swinging were probably destined to split up anyway.

Swinging isn't being unfaithful, cheating, or damaging in any way to either of you if you're doing it together. It's simply something very different from the norm that you, both or one of you, may or may not enjoy and want to continue.

If you both agree to try parachuting, and one or both of you don't like it after the first jump, then you just simply don't do it again, right? You don't get divorced because you didn't like it.

I know, sounds too simple doesn't it? But, if you go in slowly, with the right attitude and agreements, there's no reason why it should be a threat to your relationship.

Hope this helps you, and hope you both have nothing but favorable experiences!

Enjoy,
Rich

[ViSexual]

Also,

My wife and I tried swinging over 30 years ago. She had trouble dealing with it and we decided to quit.

I have to admit that I've missed the experiences terribly but not enough to give up my marriage for them.

She understands my feelings and desires and we compromise on some things that we can both enjoy now.

But, the actual sex we both had never became any issure at all. It was done together in mutual agreement.

Does this help you more? Hope so, because it sounds like you're feeling that trying this is something that you won't be able to undo. And, it's really very simple, for either of you, to say "been there, done that, and not really interested in continuing".

The only potential problem is that one of you will really enoy it and one doesn't. But, like my marriage, it's nothing that can't be dealt with,

Just be honest with each other all the way and you'll be fine.

Again, take care and enjoy,

Rich

[flkeyscouple]

I agree with the previous posts... go into this with a lot of communication first, and agreement. If you've both talked about it, agreed to it, and then find you don't feel comfortable with it - quit. Swinging is not for everyone. Be prepared to enjoy it or be uncomfortable with it - one way or the other - and deal with the results. But do it TOGETHER. That way it cannot possibly ruin your marriage.

As others have said - if you go into it with discussion, agreement, and communication and you think it has ruined your marriage - you didn't have a good marriage to start with.

Sarah

[iapr]

I don't mean to sound accusatory but the tone of your question is a little out of place. If you are truly worried about if your relationship may be over if you have a "full on swinging experience" maybe you should reevaluate the stability of your relationship and your rationale and motivations for swinging in the first place.

Swinging is all about making informed conscious choices in regards to your sexuality and the erotic nature of your primary relationship. If you are truly afraid a single swinging experience would bring that to an end then swinging is the last thing you should be considering.

Think of swinging as an amplifyer, if you have a good solid relationship and a great and open sex life to begin with then swinging will intensify that. If you have cracks in the foundation to begin with, swinging will blow that wide open and will do it fast.

If you have a good solid relationship then just make a conscious choice together that even if the swinging doesn't work out then you will just chalk it up live and learn and stay together happily and move on.

Also, keep this very important fact in mind, nowhere does it say that you have to start out with a "full on" experience. As a rule you should only progress at the pace of the most conservative person in the group. There is no reason you can't just go out with another couple/single and just have some good conversation, maybe some dancing and flirting and even if things end up in the bedroom, same room/same partner activities can still be a lot of fun. We have full swapped in the past but still enjoy same room/same partner activities if that is what people are in the mood for.

[lovingcouple321]

Thanks to your comments so far.

We both think that we do have a rock solid marriage as it is. My worries are more the subconscious ones. With that I mean that with all my conscious and feelings I know I have a solid relationship but my worries are about what if I find out afterwards that I can not deal with the knowledge of what we have done to add another dimension to our sex life turned out to be the biggest mistake. My husband is pretty relaxed about the swinging idea and he wants to try it. He thinks that if we find out that we don’t like it then at least we tried it, didn't enjoy it, forget about it and get over it - which could be exactly what I might think afterwards but again my worries are what if I can't deal with it then?

Is anybody on the forum that this has happened to?

Many thanks

[Mr. Truelove]

Last week was my our first swinging experience. When we had decided to go through with it the situation you mention was certainly on our mind. We discussed it and both felt that if for any reason either of us had any issues with it afterward, we would chalk it up as a bad experience that we had and move forward with our relationship. We've had plenty of bad experiences in life such as kids getting hurt, deaths in the family, etc. And we survived those together, we could survive this together. And forward we went...

Afterwards we discussed it heavily, and all the fears we had went away. We are just as secure after as we were before and look forward to more experiences in the lifestyle.

I think the right first couple had a lot to do with it. They held off on playing with us when we would have easily jumped right back into the sack with them. But they did it with our feelings in mind. They knew, perhaps better than we did ourselves, that if we had any bad feelings that they would be made worse if the weekend continued with more play. (We didn't have any bad feelings and they should have taken advantage of us sluts. ) They are really a great couple, and that led to a wonderful experience.

Mr. Truelove

[countrycouple2]

Last Month was the first real lifestyle activity for my wife and I. Prior to that we spent about 6 months getting our feet wet, by attending lifestyle clubs and reading things like this board. In all honesty, I was not sure how I was going to feel about it. We(I) decided that our first adventure should be a 3 some. It should be us inviting another man to join us. I knew if I was going to have issues this was where it was going to be. The night progressed and a couple of things happened that were a bit hard to take at the moment, but I reminded myself, I agreed to this she is doing nothing that I have not assured her was ok. When it was over, we discussed things and added some new rules(for lack of a better term). Not once have I had anything negative to say to her about the experience, and we continue moving forward in the lifestyle today.

Another comment I would make is this, If your spouse does not make you feel that they desire you emotionally and physically all the time, Dont do this! If you dont make them feel the same, Dont do this!
This is not something that replaces a missing piece in your relationship, it adds to an already outstanding relationship.

Good luck, Have fun, and always be honest with your spouse about what is ok and what you are not sure is ok.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by lovingcouple321

Thanks to your comments so far.

We both think that we do have a rock solid marriage as it is. My worries are more the subconscious ones. With that I mean that with all my conscious and feelings I know I have a solid relationship but my worries are about what if I find out afterwards that I can not deal with the knowledge of what we have done to add another dimension to our sex life turned out to be the biggest mistake. My husband is pretty relaxed about the swinging idea and he wants to try it. He thinks that if we find out that we don’t like it then at least we tried it, didn't enjoy it, forget about it and get over it - which could be exactly what I might think afterwards but again my worries are what if I can't deal with it then?

Is anybody on the forum that this has happened to?

Many thanks

You are using a lot of "what ifs." Are you a "what if" worrier to begin with? do you worry about what if the car breaks down? What if the cat gets the squirts on the new carpet? What if a meteor strikes and we enter a new ice age? If you are a worrier in general think back and try to remember how many of your what ifs actually came true. Probably not many.


If you are not a 'what if' worrier, it is typically that if you are worried about what ifs, it is because you feel you do not have any real control over the situation and feel that things will just happen to you without you having any control over it what-so-ever. This should absolutely never be the case when it comes to swinging. You should always have full control and full voting priviledges and veto power over everything that takes place with your body and your sexuality.

Keep this in mind, you are a full grown adult woman in charge of her own sexuality and you have the right to pursue whatever aspects of your sexuality you wish as long as it is consensual by others. And you have the right to set your own limits and boundries and have the right to expect them to be followed to the letter by others. If they don't respect your boundries you have the right to just walk away at any time without explanation or concesssions.

Again I will say that the two of you need to establish what it is that you wish to accomplish in swinging and what it means to you and what it means to your relationship. As long as you both have a firm understanding of what it means to you and what you wish to achieve then even if things aren't going as you want them to then you can just change course and move on to something else.

Picture a cork and a motorboat. Both float and both go places. But while the cork just floats and goes wherever the currents and winds take it, the motorboat sets it's own course and propels itself to it's destination. In swinging you must always be the motorboat and not the cork.

As long as you both understand where you want to go, always stick together and watch each others back and stay sober and keep your eyes open you will pick up on red flags and warning signs. As long as you head those warning signs and adjust your course accordingly your will reduce your chances of anything bad ever happening drastically.

[aahours1]

I agree with "VISEXUAL". Keep that communication DOOR open at ALL times. Do not do anything you think you will be ashamed of or regret afterwords. Keep it in the same room so you all can watch each other and you can be there to protect her if possible.But if watching bothers you, you may consider seperate room situation, bu I will remind you that it may drive you crazy not knowing what is happening.. Just a thought.

[JM153]

Mrs Loving
I think your concern is normal and certainly one we have experienced, but, as many others have stated, not likely. For swinging to work you have to be committed to each other and you have to communicate with each other. If you haven't expressed your concern to your husband then you should. If you can't tell him what concerns you, then you shouldn't be involved in the lifestyle. One of the reasons swinging can enhance a relationship is the open communication. After all, if two people can talk about their sexual desires and concerns, they can usually talk about anything. This, in my opinion, is why swingers often have stronger and deeper committments to each other than vanilla couples.

As an antedotal experience - one of our rules is that either of us can call a halt to a meeting at any time we are uncomfortable. This has happened twice. Each of us have goten uncomfortable with the situation and called a halt to it and we went home. At the time the other was enjoying themselves, but we are commtted to each other's enjoyment and not just our enjoyment. In both cases the one who was not uncomfortable was having a good time and would have enjoyed continuing the party, but that is not how we work. It is about both of us enjoying it or neither of us enjoying it. We simply do not pressure the other. As I said this has come up twice. All our other experiences have been wonderful.

As everyone says, communication, communication, communication and more communication combined with committment to the US and not to the ME or YOU works for us.

JM

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by lovingcouple321

Thanks to your comments so far.

We both think that we do have a rock solid marriage as it is. My worries are more the subconscious ones. With that I mean that with all my conscious and feelings I know I have a solid relationship but my worries are about what if I find out afterwards that I can not deal with the knowledge of what we have done to add another dimension to our sex life turned out to be the biggest mistake. My husband is pretty relaxed about the swinging idea and he wants to try it. He thinks that if we find out that we don’t like it then at least we tried it, didn't enjoy it, forget about it and get over it - which could be exactly what I might think afterwards but again my worries are what if I can't deal with it then?

Is anybody on the forum that this has happened to?

Many thanks

A rock solid relationship is the right start. Swinging in an already troubled marriage will not fix anything. If anything, it will destroy it.

Swinging between Mr. LFM and I is about respect and communication. Respect first and foremost. We've been married for over 22 years, and this past August had our first experience. It wasn't the best experience, now that we've looked back and really talked about it, but we've thrown a lot of our "rules" out the window. I think we have two absolutes that we stick to now.

There will probably be many emotions that run through your mind your first time. The first time we were playing with another couple, I'm waiting for the jealousy to hit. I was watching him with her (which gives me serious pleasure) and I'm just waiting patiently. Well -- we felt absolutely NO jealousy which we found totally amazing. It's made us feel that our marriage was even stronger than we first thought.

Now, I thought I'd have a lot of guilt from having sex with someone not my husband. My conscious mind wouldn't be able to stand it. I'm surprised with my background that I didn't have any guilt (I grew up in a VERY Catholic family).

We play as a couple who's agreed to certain things and talked with each other till we were blue in the face. I remember having so many fears before we played the first time. The "what ifs" were always there and I worried about some (what I found out later) was really stupid stuff. But, the good part was I was able to talk to my husband about my fears. There I said it. I had a LOT of fears before we played that first time. We talked about it, talked about it some more and then finally really talked about it and then we played.

We've always had a great marriage, but talking, being open and honest, I have to say that swinging has really enhanced our marriage and I really do believe that our relationship couldn't get any better. I can't tell you how much in love with that man I am. There are no words to describe it. So to answer your question, if I read it correctly, is yes, we sound like you in your question. I was the apprehensive one and he was very nonchalantly waiting for me to make up my mind to play. That was another thing we had to really watch out for was one of us going faster than the other person felt comfortable. He was wonderfully patient with me. (See how lucky I am?)

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by lovingcouple321

Hi
It seems that reading through the site all swingers have good experiences. But my biggest question is what if after a full on swinging experience you have the feeling that this was your biggest mistake ever and you fear that this might break your relationship? I'm interested to hear about 'the worst experiences'.

Well, I've had only 2 experiences...and I didn't walk away from either one of them thinking it was something spectacular (one was a FFM, i was the single female in that one, and the other was a couple swap). Doesn't stop me from thinking I might like to do it again in the future. I mean, people have bad experiences every day with just single partners. *lol*

Seriously, it makes me uncomfortable to think about knocking myself out of my little comfort zone...and that may be part of what you are experiencing right now. I think that most men are open to the idea...of course (I can have sex with someone else...AND my wife/gf knows about it and is ok with it?!? sign me up! . I think that women are open to it, but may overanalyze things and be more resistant. But again, comfort zone.

Jeff and I talk about it now and then. Right now, it's not an idea I'm jumping on, but I want to leave that door open...because I think it could be a good thing.

Good luck,
Maria

[WesternSwing]

In my opinion, if there is any question that afterward your relationship would be in jeapordy because of what feelings might come up and if you can deal with them, than swinging isn't for you at this point in your life.

This is where real communication comes in to the picture. You have to be able to communicate this fear with your spouse, and they in turn have to listen and accept it without judgement or hurt feelings.

Swinging isn't for everyone. Just because your relationship is rock solid doesn't mean swinging is for you. There is a whole different mind-set amongst swingers. Swingers love to see and/or know their spouse is having a great time, and this knowledge in turn, turns them on and makes them happy.

It sounds like you are having some real moral dilemas with sharing each other, rather than jealousy. Am I right?

Mr. WS

[Larry & Michell]

Michelle and I are not the most experienced swingers, but after almost a year of only watching and being watched, we've recently upped our activity somewhat, and it did feel a little weird for me afterwoods the first time, but things are great now. So here's my inexperienced advice - First of all, both of you should be as sure as you can be that you want to do it. Assuming that, try to nail down your rules as explicitly as possible. But I think the most important thing is to expect that your going to have some weird feelings afterwoods, maybe some jealosy, whatever. And make up your mind beforehand that even if afterwoods you found that you absolutely don't want to do it again, that you hated seeing your SO with another, or whatever, that you will NOT let it damage your relationship, that you accept going in that you might need some emotional "repair" time afterwoods, but repair you will, and you will not let it negatively affect your relationship with the person you love. That being said, I hope you have an awesome time.