Enjoy swinging but something is missing!

[getnit2gethr]

I seriously don't know what I'm looking for. The wife and I got in the lifestyle around a year ago. We're having fun meeting new people and the occasional sexual experience (swap or same room). But if I'm having fun why do I always go away feeling like something wasn't right? I think about it alot but I really don't know what it is. I'm getting most of what I want but I'm not satisfied. It's depressing me. I'm usually very outgoing and flirtatous but increasingly more often I notice I'm acting bored in situations where I definitely shouldn't be bored. This is an absolute nightmare. Does anyone have a guess about what's going on with me? I'm open to any ideas.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi there,

Since your personality in groups seems to be changing - you used to be outgoing but now you're "acting bored", you're feeling depressed, you're not feeling satisfied -

I wonder if it's got nothing to do with swinging, but more about life in general? Are you under a lot of stress lately? Going through difficulties at home or at work? Feeling disconnected and not as close to people? Maybe even having a mid-life crisis of some sort?

Sometimes feeling bored or "blah" has some deeper reason.

I hope you find out what it is and that things get better.

[LikeMinds321]

Tybee Swing brought up some very good things to consider.

Another thought, maybe you've discovered that what you thought swinging would bring to your life hasn't happened; it hasn't been what you envisioned.

You may be feeling sadness that comes about when a dream realized falls short of what you imagined.

LM

[tribbles]

We take 'breaks' where we go to clubs but only play together....cuz we don't want sex to become impersonal between us. We work to make it imtimate and sexy at home together and at a club. Then we can add a couple or single and still know it's not ALL just recreational.

Maybe you need a break to just bond together again?

Do keep searching for what is going on with you cuz learning and growing is a part of the whole experience....IMO

S

[prettylady]

Keep in mind I have NO idea what I am talking about for the most part.

Could it maybe like Christmas let down. All the hype and excitment leading up to the event. Then at the end of the day you sit there on the couch and think. Is that all?
I love Christmas, but every year at the end of the day I am wondering if I missed something.

I know that doesn't help fix the situation but it is a thought. Again probably right off the mark. But one day I am going to be right with my ideas then you will all sit back and say WOW! now Prettylady knows what shes talking about. On that very same day pink elephants will start to fly backwards.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[getnit2gethr]

I really don't think I need a break. I can't wait to do it again.

The Christmas let down idea must be wrong. It's like christmas once a month.

I'd hate to think that my dreams are falling short because I know that can only be my own fault.

I have been feeling a little disconnected lately. Like I don't really have any friends that know me anymore. My wife won't let me tell my old friends I swing and my swinging friends don't really know much else about me. Could this be it? Could I be looking for more intimacy? Is that wierd?

I fell like a crybaby. Maybe I should just forget it for a while and hope it goes away.

[prettylady]

cry away baby.
How else are you going to figure this out.
Can you make special connections with a swinger friend or two. You know you don't always have to play. Ya, I know you already know that. I see what you are saying. Don't drop it altogether. If there is an issue it needs to be taken care of. There is nothing weird or wrong with wanting intimacy. I really think you should build a friendship with in the lifestyle. How far fetched is that? Not so much I think. Some of the people I like best are in the lifestyle. I talk to them about vanilla life and swinglife. I find that swingers make better friends because nothing is taboo to talk about. Better communication skills as well.
Give it a go. See what happens
Your friend, (see you already have one swinger friend)
Prettylady

ps. I tend to ramble.

[tribbles]

I have been feeling a little disconnected lately. Like I don't really have any friends that know me anymore. My wife won't let me tell my old friends I swing and my swinging friends don't really know much else about me. Could this be it? Could I be looking for more intimacy? Is that wierd?

It could be it.

We too, want more friendship from our swingerfriends. It's slow going but it's our goal.

I don' think it's weird. Consider that in your primary relationship intimacy and sex have gone hand in hand for a long time.

It's normal to care about the person you are fucking.

Altering your norm to fucking people you don't know and don't care about is not your norm.

We actually aim to "love the one you're with" as the song goes, even if we only love them for a few minutes with giving and exchanging good energy during play time.

We aren't any good at complete stranger sex unless we think of it that way.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by getnit2gethr

I have been feeling a little disconnected lately. Like I don't really have any friends that know me anymore. My wife won't let me tell my old friends I swing and my swinging friends don't really know much else about me. Could this be it? Could I be looking for more intimacy? Is that wierd?

I can relate to how you feel. No, you're not weird! I like to know more about our swing friends, too. I like to be a little more connected, and for our swing friends to know more about me than just what I like in bed. For example, I've gone through a difficult time recently with unemployment, and a few of our friends have been supportive - just like any true friends would be. We listen to each other and care about more than just sex stuff, which is a great feeling.

Lots of swingers like to be closer than just hooking up for sex, but less close than polyamory. Friendships can be a really nice part of this lifestyle, too.

[edmustang]

Right on, prettylady! If you don't let it out, you'll bottle it up. Have you discussed these feelings with your wife? What does she say? (btw, chicks dig it when you get all vulnerable and emotional. )

I think prettylady and tybee make another good point. Granted, I'm going on theory here, but it seems to me swingers (the right ones anyway) could be better friends, since there would be fewer taboo subjects. I have a few friends, but you never know what you can and can't talk about with a vanilla until it's too late. I'm beginning to think that's what is drawing me to the lifestyle.

Depression could definitely be in play here. I know from personal experience (through my own boughts with unemployment and other things) that very little kills the libido like a good dose of depression.

[gatorvol64]

Lots of swingers like to be closer than just hooking up for sex, but less close than polyamory. Friendships can be a really nice part of this lifestyle, too.

Exactly! That's basically how we feel. And I don't think that is wierd at all.

Depression could definitely be in play here. I know from personal experience (through my own boughts with unemployment and other things) that very little kills the libido like a good dose of depression.

I've dealt with depression since my teenage years. Maybe bored isn't the word for what you are feeling. For me is it more of "blah". Depression is very good at killing moods...of any kind.

I hope you can determine what the problem is. Have you talked with your wife to get her opinion? I have to talk things through with my husband because it isn't always easy to see the situation from the inside looking out. He sees it the other way and between the two of us we can usually get a pretty good picture of the problem. Once you have that, finding the solution becomes so much easier.

Good luck,
Vol

[getnit2gethr]

I'll bet a more intimate encounter is exactly what I'm looking for. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself. The whole idea of it never crossed my mind.

I was discussing my strange disatisfaction problem with her. Neither of us understood it. I don't think she even took me seriously. I'm gonna talk to her tonight now that I think I understand myself better. Thanks friends.

[Mrs.PaganLovers]

I agree with most folks here. I have learned that I can't just have sex and not know the people involved. I have to develop a friendship first.
The other possibility is depression, just flat out depression, seasonal or stress related. Depression can cause a multitude of feelings, disconnected, disinterest in things that would normally be of interest, of course, sadness.
Try getting more sunlight, eat healthy, and talk to your SO of your feelings
I hope you get to feeling better!

Blessings
Mrs. PL

[telly2]

cry away i agree with prittylady on that point, but my opinion is you can not meld your 2 worlds. It is like getting a new car that you can't take out of the garage.

Do you feel like you are lying to your vanilla friends because you can't tell them?

Do you feel that you can't be friends with swing friends because you are sleeping with but can't get attached to them?

you might want to talk to your wife about being able to talk to a close vanilla friend about what you are doing. I hate to see you loose yourself because of what others want. I know that to many letting vanilla's know is a very dificult pill to swollow, but ruining your primary relationship would be tragic. You need to be able to talk to someone other than your wife sometimes to. You turning into a recluse, when you were very out goinmg is not a good thing.

Best of luck, and i hope that something I said helps.
Also talking here on the board may help you get reattached to your old self. We don't have to sensor what we say here and no one knows who you are so talk away.
Chantal

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by getnit2gethr

I seriously don't know what I'm looking for. The wife and I got in the lifestyle around a year ago. We're having fun meeting new people and the occasional sexual experience (swap or same room). But if I'm having fun why do I always go away feeling like something wasn't right? I think about it alot but I really don't know what it is. I'm getting most of what I want but I'm not satisfied. It's depressing me. I'm usually very outgoing and flirtatous but increasingly more often I notice I'm acting bored in situations where I definitely shouldn't be bored. This is an absolute nightmare. Does anyone have a guess about what's going on with me? I'm open to any ideas.

Well, really. Without knowing more about your situation, I couldn't really begin to understand what's going on.

How does your wife relate to swinging...I.E. is she "Behind" you or "Ahead" of you?

For instance, maybe you are bored because you have to wait for her dicision and you tell yourself you can't get too excited anymore because you seen too many times when things haven't worked out because your wife may have said "No".

Or maybe you are really behind the curve and haven't decided that you can let yourself go and that is frustrating you. You keep waiting for the "Green Light"! (Given either by you or your SO)

LM321 said that maybe it hasn't turned out to be what you expected. Why would that be, if that is true? Which of your needs aren't being met?

And as PrettyLady said about the "Christmas Letdown"...the "Is that all here is?" syndrome (See: Patsy Cline). Well, what's wrong with saying that that was all there was and not be happy with that? You have just shared intimately with another couple and you are not "Feelin'" it? There has to be an issue here somewhere.

Personally we feel that you have to, no, NEED, to feel for your partners in some way. Get to where you feel like opening up to them and tell them (him, her) about it. What is wrong with that? You are trying to find the best partners for you. You just need to discover what it is that you are looking for and then (SO allowing) go for it.

Answering these questions may help you resolve your dilemma.

These are just a couple thoughts. Would like to hear more about it though.

Male D