Why do we keep finding couples with drama?

Rsdelites · 10-05-2006, 10:32 AM

Hi everyone!! We have been in the lifestyle for 7 years & enjoy it so much. Our problem....no matter what we put in our profile & we are very definate about what we are looking for....Secure couples--meaning trusthworthy, dependable & confident in their relationship... couples who know what they want......we seem to keep meeting couples who have issues. They don't appear from the get go, but the more you talk to them the more you see that they have no communication level. The wife will say one thing, the husband will say another & they seem planets away on what they say they want.
Another problem seems to be that the minute they feel they can talk openly to us, they speak less than desirable about their spouses. Our thoughts on this is if they can't speak highly of their spouses, what would ever make us think highly of them?
This causes concern for us & we usually back off. We are not looking to become involved in another couples problems. We just want to share hot sex,fun times...... not become intertwined in others lives. We're unsure if it's because we are so easy going & comfortable with what we want, that allows others to do this.
Has anyone else had this happen?? If so, how do you handle it, beyond just walking away & saying Enough! We don't like being rude...but really don't want to deal with it. Are we the only ones to come across this problem??

clutch · 10-05-2006, 11:28 AM

In my opinion, unfortunately, that's just a part of it sometimes.

People just sometimes don't off-load their baggage on their own time--couples let stuff build up between them, and instead of talking it out in private, they seem to use being with another couple as the time and license to cathart and let loose on each other.

It's like a quiet little "worm" that people may not even beaware of--insidious things, those worms.

Back in the day, when we weren't exclusive, we'd run into that. Not much to do but say, "We need to go, and you guys might need to talk." Sometimes, if they're open and frank, they'll shake it off and say, "Yeh, I guess we do." and if they're not, well it has been a little ugly. (Again, this is their problem, not ours.) But the way we saw it, there was just no point in hanging around. Que sera sera.

And, I agree with you a hundred percent--you certainly don't want to get involved in someone else's problems.

havefuninsun · 10-05-2006, 11:33 AM

Good thread. I've been recently chatting with a couple who has a three date rule before they get nakked with anyone ... and they're not newbies. He was saying that it sometimes takes three meetings before the true "asshole" will sometimes show through with people. So three meetings for them is a good indicator of how folks are, their true attitudes, and gives them a sense as to how they treat each other. I thought that quite interesting, and of course, respect their wishes. They seem like very neat people!

And I thought they were just instituting the "Seinfield" rule ... by I digress ...

LetsParty · 10-05-2006, 12:23 PM

Strangely enough, the other couples' issues really don't seem to bother us.

The Lifestyle for us is about fun sex with strangers.

Whether a couple comes over here that we met on AFF, or whether we meet a great looking couple in a lifestyles club... heck... we are there to party and have fun!

Whether or not they are extremely secure in a 10 year marriage... whether they are both having affairs... whether they are just casual dating friends who attend lifestyle parties together... I dunno.. it's none of my concern.

We had two threesomes this summer with women who (believe it or not) actually hid the details from their spouses! They were allowed to have sex with women, but not with men. The women wanted me, too, so they lied.

Each experience was fun for us.

The lifestyle for me is about sex. Fun sex. Sometimes the adventure lasts an hour, sometimes four hours. As long as everyone has fun and good hygiene, we're happy!

This is going to sound really weird.... BUT....

It has been my experience that couples who have said things like, "We only swing with SECURE couples." or "You must be in an AMAZING relationship to swing with us." or "We only swing with people who will never break up (or whatever....)"....

......Well, at some level... THOSE are the couples we worry about!

RSDelites... Please understand I mean no offence to you WHATSOEVER... It's good that you want couples who are confident, and so forth. Heck, our AFF profile says the same thing...

...yet we always wonder, "why the HECK does couple XXXXXX care so much about finding a SECURE couple?" Do they think that we might 'break them up'? Are they protecting themselves or us?

....Reagrdless, when all is said and done. If she is hot, and if he is hot, and it's a Friday or Saturday night, and if everyone is turned on... let's play!

Their relationship drama doesn't really concern me.

I was the same way as a single guy in the dating arena.

If I were looking for a GIRLFRIEND, you'd better believe i want someone secure, confident, happy, intelligent, nice, polite, and issue-free.

If I were at a party, seeking some sexual fun, it really didn't matter if she was cheating on her boyfriend. If she had issues. etc etc. Let's have fun and play safe!

We are swingers and not polys. Therefore, we look at this as sexual fun, not finding a girlfriend.

If they have issues, it's okay with us.

We almost played with a very good looking couple this past weekend. The irony is that he has a wife in a different city!! They are mistresses/misters(?)!

Are they morally wrong? Yes.
Is it rude what they are doing? Yes.
Do I abhor cheating? Yes.

But hey... they were cute and wanted to play!

At some level, EVERY couple has issues and insecurities. I'd rather not know about the issues and insecurities, than wait three dates to find them out! LOL

....Just my own silly opinion....

riswingcpl · 10-05-2006, 02:22 PM

Problems another couple might have in their relationship don't really bother us too much, as long as they don't become an issue while we're with the other couple. Like most, we don't want to be involved in anyone else's drama, but as long as that drama isn't rearing it's ugly head while we're together, we figure that it's their business. We're just looking for good sex with like-minded sexy people, not looking for people to live with in some sort of poly arrangement. If we were, those issues would certainly matter.

If problems like that did occur while we were together, we would look for the earliest opportunity to get the hell out of there, and would not likely be seeing them again.

Pepper & Drew · 10-05-2006, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LetsParty

Strangely enough, the other couples' issues really don't seem to bother us.

It has been my experience that couples who have said things like, "We only swing with SECURE couples." or "You must be in an AMAZING relationship to swing with us." or "We only swing with people who will never break up (or whatever....)"....

......Well, at some level... THOSE are the couples we worry about!

RSDelites... Please understand I mean no offence to you WHATSOEVER... It's good that you want couples who are confident, and so forth. Heck, our AFF profile says the same thing...

...yet we always wonder, "why the HECK does couple XXXXXX care so much about finding a SECURE couple?" Do they think that we might 'break them up'? Are they protecting themselves or us?

....Reagrdless, when all is said and done. If she is hot, and if he is hot, and it's a Friday or Saturday night, and if everyone is turned on... let's play!

Their relationship drama doesn't really concern me.

Yeah, it's all fun and games until one of them starts screaming at the other one in the middle of playing because somebody's paying a little too much attention to their playmate. (actually happened) Or, you meet a couple at a club, are in the hot tub, start playing and have to duck because the woman starts hitting her husband because she didn't want him going that far (happened to friends). Yeah, finding a secure couple sounds like a good idea to me. Because, nothing kills the mood like arguing and physical violence

.

Pepper

WesternSwing · 10-06-2006, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

Yeah, it's all fun and games until one of them starts screaming at the other one in the middle of playing because somebody's paying a little too much attention to their playmate. (actually happened) Or, you meet a couple at a club, are in the hot tub, start playing and have to duck because the woman starts hitting her husband because she didn't want him going that far (happened to friends). Yeah, finding a secure couple sounds like a good idea to me. Because, nothing kills the mood like arguing and physical violence

.

Pepper

We had a couple arguing in the next bedroom as we were all changing to get into their hot tub. Mrs. WS and I were just looking at each other like "what the hell is going on?" It didn't get any better the rest of the night. This was the first "date" we ever went on as we entered into the lifestyle, so it was a good thing it didn't sour us on it.

Mr. WS

JTcamp05 · 10-06-2006, 05:00 AM

Yes it sure is all part of the process.....we are kinda slow compared to other couples, but it's amazing that after the second or third meeting things come out and your still suprised.....

Guess thats why after two years were still searchinf for the perfect couple......hopefully we get to have a little fun looking.....

Rsdelites · 10-06-2006, 12:42 PM

Thanks all for your input..we greatly appreciate it!!

Letsparty.....you are just the kind of couple we are NOT looking to meet!! No Offense, we aren't into deceiving others!

You clearly state for all to read that you post on your AFF profile, the same things we do. That your looking for confident & secure people. What you are also saying is that it doesn't matter what the profile says, it's not really what your looking for, nor do you feel a need to be honest with others!

As for "fun Sex" ....I have fun sex with my hubby....as well as with others, but it's up front, honest & NO deception.

You also clearly state you abhor cheating...Really? You talk about these 2 married women you had fun sex with...but it was just fun sex....so ho harm, no fowl. To who & at what cost? I really hope that one never comes back to bite you....I don't think you'd be feeling the way you do now.

Back to my original post..This couple is a great couple...attractive, FUN in & out of bed...a blast to be with.....On the surface....all looks well. Then out of the blue they throw barbs, or make comments that are less than desirable about each other. Below the surface we have seen something entirely different.

When speaking about this to the guy, i flat right out told him, that their problems are between them & we didn't want to be involved. He was offtended, got off IM. 5 to 10 mins. later, the Mrs. gets on, starts talking to me like she didn't know anything..& I really don't think she did! I made a quick exit!!

We have definately learned a lesson here...for all the years we've been in this, it's a newer problem..we never came across this until recently. So, we've learned..and life goes on.

Thanks again for your input all!! If anyone has anything else to add....we'd love to hear it.
Have a great weekend!!
R&S

northindycpl · 10-06-2006, 01:26 PM

We aren't new swingers either... It seems to occur with us, too, sometimes. We run across more couples with problems then without and we continue running.

We are very secure and confident in our marriage of 14 years and seek couples that are the same.

We did put something to that affect in our profile in hopes of finding couples that we not only more experienced couples but experience couples in swinging. Our rationale was that we would eliminate those that were newly married or new to swinging and marriage.

I am not sure it works, but that is our reason for it being there.

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-06-2006, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

Yeah, it's all fun and games until one of them starts screaming at the other one in the middle of playing because somebody's paying a little too much attention to their playmate. (actually happened) Or, you meet a couple at a club, are in the hot tub, start playing and have to duck because the woman starts hitting her husband because she didn't want him going that far (happened to friends). Yeah, finding a secure couple sounds like a good idea to me. Because, nothing kills the mood like arguing and physical violence

.

Pepper

jj

Were we at the same party. I went to a party in my early days of swinging and was playing with the male half of the host couple when his wife came out screaming. It was their drama and not my fault but it made me so uncomfortable it took me about 6 months before I'd go back to their (monthly) parties.

So whether you are into swinging just for sex or you actually attempt to get to know people on a deeper level drama can very easily rear it's ugly head. Personally, I'd rather get to know the people and at least have a chance at predicting the drama (as well as have a chance at getting to know the people and actually be attracted to them) than to jump into bed only to get pulled out by the hair.

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10-05-2006, 10:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
Rsdelites Registered Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6 Location: PA Status: couple	Why do we keep finding couples with drama? Hi everyone!! We have been in the lifestyle for 7 years & enjoy it so much. Our problem....no matter what we put in our profile & we are very definate about what we are looking for....Secure couples--meaning trusthworthy, dependable & confident in their relationship... couples who know what they want......we seem to keep meeting couples who have issues. They don't appear from the get go, but the more you talk to them the more you see that they have no communication level. The wife will say one thing, the husband will say another & they seem planets away on what they say they want. Another problem seems to be that the minute they feel they can talk openly to us, they speak less than desirable about their spouses. Our thoughts on this is if they can't speak highly of their spouses, what would ever make us think highly of them? This causes concern for us & we usually back off. We are not looking to become involved in another couples problems. We just want to share hot sex,fun times...... not become intertwined in others lives. We're unsure if it's because we are so easy going & comfortable with what we want, that allows others to do this. Has anyone else had this happen?? If so, how do you handle it, beyond just walking away & saying Enough! We don't like being rude...but really don't want to deal with it. Are we the only ones to come across this problem??

10-05-2006, 11:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
clutch Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 140 Location: tennessee	Re: BS swingers In my opinion, unfortunately, that's just a part of it sometimes. People just sometimes don't off-load their baggage on their own time--couples let stuff build up between them, and instead of talking it out in private, they seem to use being with another couple as the time and license to cathart and let loose on each other. It's like a quiet little "worm" that people may not even beaware of--insidious things, those worms. Back in the day, when we weren't exclusive, we'd run into that. Not much to do but say, "We need to go, and you guys might need to talk." Sometimes, if they're open and frank, they'll shake it off and say, "Yeh, I guess we do." and if they're not, well it has been a little ugly. (Again, this is their problem, not ours.) But the way we saw it, there was just no point in hanging around. Que sera sera. And, I agree with you a hundred percent--you certainly don't want to get involved in someone else's problems.

10-05-2006, 11:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
havefuninsun insert witty banter here Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,190 Location: Virginia Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:havefuninsun	Re: BS swingers Good thread. I've been recently chatting with a couple who has a three date rule before they get nakked with anyone ... and they're not newbies. He was saying that it sometimes takes three meetings before the true "asshole" will sometimes show through with people. So three meetings for them is a good indicator of how folks are, their true attitudes, and gives them a sense as to how they treat each other. I thought that quite interesting, and of course, respect their wishes. They seem like very neat people! And I thought they were just instituting the "Seinfield" rule ... by I digress ...

10-05-2006, 12:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
LetsParty Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 47 Location: Vancouver Status: Couple	Re: BS swingers Strangely enough, the other couples' issues really don't seem to bother us. The Lifestyle for us is about fun sex with strangers. Whether a couple comes over here that we met on AFF, or whether we meet a great looking couple in a lifestyles club... heck... we are there to party and have fun! Whether or not they are extremely secure in a 10 year marriage... whether they are both having affairs... whether they are just casual dating friends who attend lifestyle parties together... I dunno.. it's none of my concern. We had two threesomes this summer with women who (believe it or not) actually hid the details from their spouses! They were allowed to have sex with women, but not with men. The women wanted me, too, so they lied. Each experience was fun for us. The lifestyle for me is about sex. Fun sex. Sometimes the adventure lasts an hour, sometimes four hours. As long as everyone has fun and good hygiene, we're happy! This is going to sound really weird.... BUT.... It has been my experience that couples who have said things like, "We only swing with SECURE couples." or "You must be in an AMAZING relationship to swing with us." or "We only swing with people who will never break up (or whatever....)".... ......Well, at some level... THOSE are the couples we worry about! RSDelites... Please understand I mean no offence to you WHATSOEVER... It's good that you want couples who are confident, and so forth. Heck, our AFF profile says the same thing... ...yet we always wonder, "why the HECK does couple XXXXXX care so much about finding a SECURE couple?" Do they think that we might 'break them up'? Are they protecting themselves or us? ....Reagrdless, when all is said and done. If she is hot, and if he is hot, and it's a Friday or Saturday night, and if everyone is turned on... let's play! Their relationship drama doesn't really concern me. I was the same way as a single guy in the dating arena. If I were looking for a GIRLFRIEND, you'd better believe i want someone secure, confident, happy, intelligent, nice, polite, and issue-free. If I were at a party, seeking some sexual fun, it really didn't matter if she was cheating on her boyfriend. If she had issues. etc etc. Let's have fun and play safe! We are swingers and not polys. Therefore, we look at this as sexual fun, not finding a girlfriend. If they have issues, it's okay with us. We almost played with a very good looking couple this past weekend. The irony is that he has a wife in a different city!! They are mistresses/misters(?)! Are they morally wrong? Yes. Is it rude what they are doing? Yes. Do I abhor cheating? Yes. But hey... they were cute and wanted to play! At some level, EVERY couple has issues and insecurities. I'd rather not know about the issues and insecurities, than wait three dates to find them out! LOL ....Just my own silly opinion....

10-05-2006, 02:22 PM	#5 (permalink)
riswingcpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 172 Location: Rhode Island Status: couple...male half posting	Re: BS swingers Problems another couple might have in their relationship don't really bother us too much, as long as they don't become an issue while we're with the other couple. Like most, we don't want to be involved in anyone else's drama, but as long as that drama isn't rearing it's ugly head while we're together, we figure that it's their business. We're just looking for good sex with like-minded sexy people, not looking for people to live with in some sort of poly arrangement. If we were, those issues would certainly matter. If problems like that did occur while we were together, we would look for the earliest opportunity to get the hell out of there, and would not likely be seeing them again.

10-06-2006, 05:00 AM	#8 (permalink)
JTcamp05 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 285 Location: Ohio Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:JtCamp05	Re: BS swingers Yes it sure is all part of the process.....we are kinda slow compared to other couples, but it's amazing that after the second or third meeting things come out and your still suprised..... Guess thats why after two years were still searchinf for the perfect couple......hopefully we get to have a little fun looking.....

10-06-2006, 12:42 PM	#9 (permalink)
Rsdelites Registered Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6 Location: PA Status: couple	Re: BS swingers Thanks all for your input..we greatly appreciate it!! Letsparty.....you are just the kind of couple we are NOT looking to meet!! No Offense, we aren't into deceiving others! You clearly state for all to read that you post on your AFF profile, the same things we do. That your looking for confident & secure people. What you are also saying is that it doesn't matter what the profile says, it's not really what your looking for, nor do you feel a need to be honest with others! As for "fun Sex" ....I have fun sex with my hubby....as well as with others, but it's up front, honest & NO deception. You also clearly state you abhor cheating...Really? You talk about these 2 married women you had fun sex with...but it was just fun sex....so ho harm, no fowl. To who & at what cost? I really hope that one never comes back to bite you....I don't think you'd be feeling the way you do now. Back to my original post..This couple is a great couple...attractive, FUN in & out of bed...a blast to be with.....On the surface....all looks well. Then out of the blue they throw barbs, or make comments that are less than desirable about each other. Below the surface we have seen something entirely different. When speaking about this to the guy, i flat right out told him, that their problems are between them & we didn't want to be involved. He was offtended, got off IM. 5 to 10 mins. later, the Mrs. gets on, starts talking to me like she didn't know anything..& I really don't think she did! I made a quick exit!! We have definately learned a lesson here...for all the years we've been in this, it's a newer problem..we never came across this until recently. So, we've learned..and life goes on. Thanks again for your input all!! If anyone has anything else to add....we'd love to hear it. Have a great weekend!! R&S
	Last edited by Rsdelites; 10-06-2006 at 12:46 PM. Reason: error

10-06-2006, 01:26 PM	#10 (permalink)
northindycpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 1,425 Location: Indiana Status: Blissfull SITCOM Swing Lifestyle Name:northindycpl	Re: BS swingers We aren't new swingers either... It seems to occur with us, too, sometimes. We run across more couples with problems then without and we continue running. We are very secure and confident in our marriage of 14 years and seek couples that are the same. We did put something to that affect in our profile in hopes of finding couples that we not only more experienced couples but experience couples in swinging. Our rationale was that we would eliminate those that were newly married or new to swinging and marriage. I am not sure it works, but that is our reason for it being there.
	__________________ Mrs. Indy

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