If you've found what you are looking for, why are you still looking?

[Spoomonkey]

I have noticed on the ad site we are a part of that there are couples who put something along the lines of "we have found what we are looking for."

I respect that. Everyone is looking for something that trips their trigger. In fact, a couple that we met for dinner once (there was as much chemistry as you would create if you mixed water and... say... water...) eventually went on to find those special someones - and change their ad to reflect their success after years of dismal failure...

The couple they connected with changed their ad to reflect the joy they had in finding that special someone...

This couple eventually hit on us lightly at the club before getting rejected cooly...

Does this ever bug anyone? I mean, I completely understand, and I totally get it, but there is something about the attitude of "we have found what we are looking for" that gets under my purple fur and makes me want to respond, "then why are you still here?"

A couple wrote us a while ago and they had this in their profile. It completely turned us off. If you are going to passive-aggressively rant about how special your new friends are compared to the rest of the folks in the lifestyle - why are you still hitting on folks? And if meeting new friends - even those with whom you had no chemistry - was such a trial, leading you to change your profile to reflect that, why are you still "workin' it"?

I am very cool with couples finding what they are looking for - but I think it says a lot about a couple's attitude when they have to be nasty about it. It makes them about as interesting as Telle-Tubby reruns...

On second thought - I'd rather watch those...

Does this irk anyone else, or am I just need of a rabies booster?

Spoomonkey

[SuAndBud]

Do we detect a TellyTubbyaphobe in our midst? lol.

This is an awkward one, spoo, inasmuch that Su has found what she wants with Bud and Bud has found what he wants with Su. You and Mrs Spoo have found what you want in each other (just an educated guess). Su and Bud have also found what we want with J.

Why then are we still here?

Bud likes to eat steak. But not all the time and if he could only eat steak all the time it wouldn't stop him looking at the seafood menu and wondering.

And if he went so far as to eat from the seafood menu, he could look that seafood in the eye and say "you're seafood and you were fabulous, but you're not steak". No disrespect would be intended towards the seafood and he would in all likelihood wish to return and try the seafood again at a later date. No disrespect to the steak either.

If that makes any sense at all....You're probably as crazy as Bud.

[She_n_Jaybee]

I can see your point. We've found several special someones, and hope to find several more. I suppose if we were over on the Polyamory thread it would be perfectly acceptable. If someone puts in their ad that they've found their perfect match and then come-a-knockin', makes you feel like the practice squad or something. "We've found someone much better than you, but we decided to give you some playing time." Would make us both jump for Joy, or Faye or Kel...

[EvilMJ]

I had to think hard on this one. Normally I probably would have agreed and said why are they bothering.

But......there is a couple we play with who are part of a poly quad. One half of them play together and the other two don't any more. They have all agreed that two of them can continue to swing, but with certain people. They tell most of the people they meet they are exclusive but then there are a few of us that are part of that happy little swinger group. I guess for them it is just a way to keep the amount of people they play with limited to a select few.

They are probably the exception to this type of situation though.

Ofcourse now I am starting to ramble and feel I probably need to go to bed now.....mmm sleep.

[Chip_n_Muffy]

To say "We have found The Ones!" implies a search to a goal and that the goal was attainable and attained. I would rather think of swing as a journey into the unknown, a lifetime of learning and SELF exploration. Since we have begun the quest for self actualization, I have learned more about myself than I had in my entire previous lifetime. And mostly what I have learned is introspection. I would hate to think it would come to a conclusion by finding "The Ones".

BTW, the more you learn about yourself, the more you instinctively know about others. It is an amazing thing.

I wish I were more nimble with words, but I bet some of you will understand what I am trying to say.

And that is my Fiftieth of a Buck.

Chip

[JustAskJulie]

I've found what I'm looking for but that has never stopped me from looking for more. To me I would think that what a couple was looking for was each other... if they are looking beyond that (as swingers are) wouldn't they always be looking?

I'm confused.

[Spoomonkey]

Chip

I dig it - in a very Fillmore kind of way. I can see what you mean by swinging being a journey. With Mrs Spoo and I, I have always considered us partners in crime. And each experience is an adventure...

Exactly like BudandSu said - my special someone is Mrs Spoo; and no playmate will ever be her. But I can imagine that is the experience of the vast majority of folks here. Our significant other is pretty doggone significant

The idea of polyamory does tend to confuse the issue, so I would put what I consider to be "true polys" in the same boat as Mrs Spoo and I - partners in crime, they just have a bigger gang.

I guess the real question is aimed at those swingers who's goal is to "go steady". There is nothing wrong with that - but once you have found it, why harp about it? It just hits me wrong.

Yes - we have friends who we consider to be special - and we have friends who are definitely a tasty bite of steak. But - we have NOT found our "ones" and only... We have a nice circle of friends, both far and near, and we love adding people to that circle as the opportunity arises.

Does that make sense?

Or have I just muddied the waters further?

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

I think I get what you are saying now (I had to think about it for a bit). The problem isn't people finding what they are looking for so much as it is those who post it in their profiles and continue actively contacting others.

My thought is that people may put that in their profiles to deter others from contacting them, thus giving them the upper hand of being able to contact those they are interested in and having an excuse for not dealing with those who do contact them.

Combine that with what's already been said and you could say that they aren't really lying because they have found what they are looking for - in each other - but they are swingers! so they are still looking for more.

[Dynamar]

One random thought... did the profile(s) in question belong to people who had lifetime memberships? If so, perhaps they want to keep their membership, but they're also indicating something about their current situation, one which may or may not include seeking out "new" people?

Also, there are plenty of people who put stuff in the profile to discourage others from contacting them, but they wish to retain the right to contact others. Another example of that type of behavior would be a couple who blocks mail from single males, but may, on occasion, initiate contact with someone they perceived to be a special single male.

[GotBatteries?]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

My thought is that people may put that in their profiles to deter others from contacting them, thus giving them the upper hand of being able to contact those they are interested in and having an excuse for not dealing with those who do contact them.

Thats KINDA why we've done it. (We arent saying in our profile currently) We've changed it to say that we arent currently looking to meet new people, but I (Mrs) am on damn near daily, so we still get emails asking why are we on if we arent looking, give us a shot, yadda yadda. SOOOOO...I try and only see it being used as a deterrent.

Now, having well and truely found THE ONES, and STILL going on the prowl...eh, thats only sticky if its sticky between those two couples. I havent the slightest idea as to what type of agreement they have worked out. Maybe it is totally ok for them to play around with others? *shrug*
We would be less inclined to accept an invitation from a couple that said in the profile 'We've found the ones! We are so happy with them...blah, blah blah.' Then again, the list of things said in profiles that turn me off instantly is longer than, say, a purple monkey's tail

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I have noticed on the ad site we are a part of that there are couples who put something along the lines of "we have found what we are looking for."

Does this ever bug anyone? I mean, I completely understand, and I totally get it, but there is something about the attitude of "we have found what we are looking for" that gets under my purple fur and makes me want to respond, "then why are you still here?"

Does this irk anyone else, or am I just need of a rabies booster?

It irks me, a little.

I see it as boasting. And I don't see a point in making a statement in a profile like the example you gave. It sends mixed messages and makes it confusing.

I'm left wondering, What is their point? Do they really think they will always be with this couple? Do they never think they'll find other couples as compatible?

When was swinging ever a search for just one compatible couple? Swinging is an ever evolving process, like life in general.

I also have to wonder what the "Ones" that this couple is referring to think about them still searching for other people to play with. If we were this couples special playcouple, I'd not be happy knowing they felt this way about us, stated it to the swinging world, and then kept hitting on others.

Then there is another thought I have (after all of this writing ) maybe the statement "we have found what we are looking for" only means they have discovered that swinging is what they are looking for and they mean nothing more than that.

LM

[graygo98]

Another thought, from someone still close enough to the beginning point to remember those first few steps.

What you think you are looking for when you are starting out can change... really change. We had some pretty definite ideas about seeking people with relatively similar backgrounds, education, kids, etc., thinking we would relate better with them. Now who we like and who rocks our world has very little to do with any of that stuff. It is truly a chemistry thing and has more to do with people that just make us comfortable, who are fun to be around, and who turn us on to "11".

Some people take this a whole lot further than we ever thought to. In their profiles they are seeking "friends with benefits", want to establish friendships even close friendships before "something more" is even on the table. I think that is because they are really not comfortable with the idea of sex as simple fun and need to see it as something still linked to some level of relationship. In their profiles you see snide, self-righteous comments like, "Not looking for bedpost notchers".

As they get more coomfortable with their sexuality maybe the need for "best buddies" lessens and they want to explore a bit more. They may not edit their profiles because they just haven't really come to terms with how their feelings are changing, or are just sort of testing the waters. So, I don't think their behaviour is because they are assholes or anything, just that they started at a different place and are on a different road.

I know, a lot of theory with little or no hard foundation. Just one of those days, I guess.

[Menage_a_Trois]

I tend to agree with Spoo on this. I/we do find it a bit annoying and also confusing. If you have found a couple that you are "going steady" with why would you still actively be looking at others? Seems like a contradiction to me. We enjoy meeting people and making friends (especially ones with benefits). But we got into the lifestyle for a variety, if we wanted an exclusive relationship with someone we wouldn't be in the lifestyle, we would have that with each other.

Originally Posted by graygo98

Some people take this a whole lot further than we ever thought to. In their profiles they are seeking "friends with benefits"; want to establish friendships even close friendships before "something more" is even on the table. I think that is because they are really not comfortable with the idea of sex as simple fun and need to see it as something still linked to some level of relationship. In their profiles you see snide, self-righteous comments like, "Not looking for bedpost notchers".

I tend to agree with you, for us swinging is just recreational sex, all in fun. We have met and made some good friends, but the sex is still just for fun. We enjoy having friends in the lifestyle, but it isn't something we require to play. I personally think many people take things in the lifestyle way to serious, most just need to relax and have fun with it. After all this isn't work and it isn't a relationship, it is just recreational sex. Once they get comfortable with that idea, the more fun they will have with it. This isn't meant to offend anyone, just my opinion, I respect how others choose to approach swinging. In the long run it is all good

Mr. Menage

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by graygo98

In their profiles you see snide, self-righteous comments like, "Not looking for bedpost notchers".

MMmmmm we had this in our profile and I don't think of it as snide at all.

Its a pretty straight forward way of saying 'If you just want to fuck once and never see us again, we are not interested'.

We don't expect to be fast friends, we are very comfortable in swinging, we have had one night stands so to speak, but we would much rather be with a couple we enjoy the company with and connect with, because swinger friends are more fun all around.

[discoandvyper]

We're never going to have found what we're looking for untill I can get a group of 600 lesbians, a donkey, peanut butter, jumper cables, and the will to have all 600 lesbians let me be their first man.

Disco's easier than I am. She just wants to get Peter Steele to masturbate for her while she has sex with Sully Erna.

How long do you think we'll have to wait?