What are the Risks of swinging?

[JustAskJulie]

There's a reason I don't kick trolls out immideately or remove their posts, it's because sometimes they bring up really good food for thought. Usually they just don't do it in the right way. A good example of this is this thread.

He had some good points in that there are many risks we take in regards to swinging and many of them are risks we don't even think about. The problem is that he approached the subject in a bad way and it was obvious he was just trying to stir the pot.

The topic, however, is a good one and one that I think does need to be considered, especially in light of some other topics we've had recently.

The risk we seem to think about most often is STDs. Every time someone comes and asks about that risk it seems that the typical answer is "yes, we understand that risk and have decided that it's worth taking.....". But there are many other risks. As we've seen from this thread one of the biggest risks that often gets over looked is what could happen if the wrong person/people find out about your lifestyle choice. And that leads to even more risks...
- loss of job
- loss of family
- loss of children (we've seen swinging become an issue in custody battles more than once).
- loss of friends (are they really friends?).

Another risk is that you may destroy your relationship over swinging, if your relationship is not ready for swinging.

What are some of the other risks that you think people need to be thinking about before they decide whether or not to swing?

[TeamSoBe]

The biggest risk of all in swinging is that you're messing with your relationship with your significant other.

You're betting that your relationship is strong enough to handle it. You're risking that they might not come back to you if you encourage them to have sex with other people. One or both people could feel threatened or harmed if something goes wrong for whatever reason and the relationship could suffer or end.

[MoonLightKiss]

I do not know if this would qualify as a risk, but I do know there was some discussion in our marraige about the religious aspect of swinging. I am Pagan/Wiccan, even though I was raised deep south Baptist. My husband was and is currently Baptist, even though he does not attend church. He did bring up the question of "will this send me to hell" We came to our own terms in this, thanks in large part to some threads we found concerning religion on here, but I do believe it is something that is considered more often than not.

[Thrax]

Julie, that is an excellent question.

At this point in my life, as a self-employed single male who at present has no long-term personal relationship with anybody, no kids, and no political aspirations, the only "risk" I bear is that my parents would find out. My siblings and close friends may be shocked that I have dabbled in the swinging world, but if they judge my actions negatively, then that's their problem.

However, I would be very upset if my parents found out. That is my risk. Although I disagree with them on many issues, I respect my parents so much for the way they raised me. No, they weren't/aren't perfect, but I give them some slack for who they are: working class children who survived the Great Depression, WWII, and numerous physical difficulties to give birth to me and my siblings, get us to an American middle class lifestyle, get us through college, and push us into being contributing members of the American Dream. They don't have a right to know about my sex life, but I would be devastated if they found out that I was involved in something that they considered "socially unacceptable." That may be hypocritical to some, but not to me.

Dammit, this was the first time on the Board where I almost cried.

Thrax

[JnCC]

One risk of the lifestyle that doesn't get mentioned very often is the possibility that by having a great deal of casual sex, often and with many different people, it loses it's appeal in the long run. It ceases to be "special" with anybody. I came very close to that in the early 80's, again (briefly) in the lifestyle, then once again in the past year (although not in the lifestyle).

Eventually, I realized that while a "happy ending" was an important part of sex, a "happy beginning"...the seduction, the courtship, the not knowing for sure if I was going to get to the "happy ending"...was important too. Sex, at least in the context of the lifestyle, became just like another Adam Sandler movie. A pleasant diversion, but not intellectually challenging nor stimulating, and you know how it's going to end even before it begins.

Even female nudity has become somewhat passe' for me. I remember the first time I saw a pair of unfettered "perkies" poking out of a woman's tank-top (Champaign, IL - 06/70). Now, I hardly take a second look. Likewise, the first time a woman flashed her tits in a bar (The Oar House, Santa Monica, CA 08/77) But these days, when in a club or on a nude beach or even on a motorcycle run, I scarcely notice. It's kind of sad, really. I liked looking at naked women more when I didn't see them everywhere, everyday.

Maybe my friend is right. Maybe it's time for me to "take a sabbatical..."

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by JnCC

One risk of the lifestyle that doesn't get mentioned very often is the possibility that by having a great deal of casual sex, often and with many different people, it loses it's appeal in the long run.

I'm tired of Chocolate cake, I want cheesecake now. Now I'm tired of cheesecake, I want white cake. Aww...now cake just doesn't do it for me. I want some ice cream. =(

[fun4Ds]

we had a bad experiance and all of the things were brought to our imediate attention! STD's so far so good but have to do follow ups. breaking up our marriage? no way.kids finding out? we can handel that. parents finding out? we could deal w/ that also. it is maby strange to others but porno dosent seem exciting,actually kind of boaring in a way now ,compared to real sex. yes we thaught about all of the above before swinging but when reality hit we realized we were flirting with our lives!! we are not cutting down the swing lifestyle as we consider ourselvs swingers. our circle became very small compared to the chase we were on before. would we put ourselves out there again?? maby. if so we would have a whole new outlook on things. reality has a whole new meaning now.sex between ourselvs has become so much more exciting when you look at eachother and you have some thankfullness to be alive.if and when we put ourselves out there its definatly going to be diffrent.... EXPERIANCE

[fun4Ds]

mr.truelove? not shure about your post. see here's the thing, mrs.fun for our 26 plus years together has been a women with a thousand flavors and im still at the begining of the menu. maby i have the perfect women? facelick

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

mr.truelove? not shure about your post. see here's the thing, mrs.fun for our 26 plus years together has been a women with a thousand flavors and im still at the begining of the menu. maby i have the perfect women? facelick

Hmmm . . . Candy must be cut from the same cloth too! Every day is a new treat to relish and enjoy. facelick

[Amanda69]

I'm tired of Chocolate cake, I want cheesecake now. Now I'm tired of cheesecake, I want white cake. Aww...now cake just doesn't do it for me. I want some ice cream. =(

Dito

Julie you made some good points and they are things for all new and experienced couples to consider carefully.

You could also add:

1) Loss of privacy - for those couple who choose to put up details and copious amounts of pictures which are then copied and placed on various sites on the web.

2) Loss of focus - we have seen more than a few couples who no longer seeem to have a close relationship but keep on swinging as a "couple." The point of doing this to enhance their relationship seems to have been lost.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

mr.truelove? not shure about your post. see here's the thing, mrs.fun for our 26 plus years together has been a women with a thousand flavors and im still at the begining of the menu. maby i have the perfect women? facelick

You got me there! My wife is of that cloth. But I was more or less talking about other people. My wife is that one thing that I could eat every night, and still want more of. Pizza. =)

How romantic is that. I need to go tell my wife now that she is my "pizza".

[fun4Ds]

yea,thats what im talkin about delux with all the toppings

[intuition897]

Persecution is definitely a major concern, but that kinda goes without saying.

JnCC brings up a good point: the risk of "burnout" if swinging sex becomes a major component in your sex life. Mr. intuition and I consider ourselves highly selective swingers, and only play very occasionally...and we're currently "on sabbatical" right now. So we haven't seen any seriously negative effects, but it's true that you do become used to certain things. The idea of sex with other people, for the traditionally involved vanilla couple, is something akin to a 12-year-old boy's fantasy about seeing real live boobies for the first time. It's built up in the mind into some kind of life-changing religious experience to look forward to. Then after you've had a few girlfriends, you find out that - on all of them - they're just two lumps of flesh. Fun to play with, nice to look at...but a religious experience? Not quite. We've jumped the fence to see if the grass actually IS greener on the other side, and when you get over there, you kinda of say, "Oh. It's green, but...it's just...grass. Well howdy doody, would ya look at that! Our grass looks pretty damn green from this angle! Who woulda thunk it?" It's all the same, no matter where you go. Sex is sex is sex. Just innies and outies in various combinations.

So I'd say that there's definitely a psychological risk that one should make with some degree of sobriety: You can't unlearn something. If you really enjoy the titillation of the other-sex fantasy, and would be upset if the real thing didn't quite live up to it, I'd say be careful what you wish for.

Similarly, another risk is the loss of connection with the world in general. I find it so difficult to sincerely, genuinely connect with most people, people who are really good long-term friend material, because of our views. It's unbelieveable how deeply sexuality influences people, and how it shapes their ways of thinking. It's amazing, too, just how much of their fear and insecurity find their roots in it. The things they are afraid of, and concerned about, we simply can no longer relate to. And you can just TELL that there is no point in trying to offer your perspective on things. Their fears and insecurities are so firmly set that, even though they've known you for years and always thought very highly of you, this one aspect of our life would suddenly undermine what is otherwise a good relationship. And it would cause them much distress if we disclosed everything. So we don't. The end result is that we find that we can't be as open and genuine with people as we wish we could be, and because of that our vanilla friendships tend to be somewhat superficial. This sucks.

[honeydome2]

Julie, I spoke last nite with "The fisherman," and he sends his regards from the land of "Buh-Bye" (about 30 miles south of Dubai). I asked him about risk, and he mentioned several points. Among them are the following.

A. All risks are not equal quantitatively or qualitatively.
1. To illustrate that not all risks are equal quantitatively, consider this case. Suppose one jumps to the ground from the following heights:

a. 2 feet
b. 6 feet
c. 10 feet (a 1-story building)
d. 20 feet (a 2-story building)
e. 30 feet (a 3-story building)
f. 60 feet (a 6-story building)
g. 100 feet (a 10-story building)

Associated with each height is a risk of being injured. The risk at 2 feet is virtually nil, and the risk increases to a virtual certainty at 100 feet. Again, all risks are not equal quantitatively. To justify a high-risk activity by saying that even driving to the grocery store involves risk is to miss the point.
2. Qualitative differences. Driving my car to the store involves some risk, but if I return home safely, then that risk is gone, and my mind is free to think about other things. If I go out and have sex with a virtual stranger, then upon returning home, my mind is NOT free to think about other things. Every moment of the next few days, weeks, or months, I may wonder if I contracted a STD. To justify a sexual-exposure risk by saying that even driving to the grocery store involves risk is to ignore these important qualitative differences.

B. Some risks are under one's control; others are beyond one's control. When I drive my car to the grocery store, the risk of having an accident is largely under my control. I can drive safely and intelligently, or I can drive stupidly (by speeding, running a stop sign, or being under the influence of drugs or alcohol). When I toss a fair die or buy a lottery ticket, the risk is beyond my control. One can take various measures to reduce the risk of contracting a STD, but those measures do not reduce the risk to zero. One of those measures is to use a condom. But once one begins the sex act, the condom's performance is largely beyond the actors' control. For example, the condom may have a latent defect. A car also may have a latent defect, but the chances that such a defect will affect every remaining day of my life are virtually zero. They are not virtually zero with a condom.

C. The number of trials increases the risk of a given outcome. Example: Consider a fair 2-sided coin. Since the coin is fair, the probability of a head or a tail is each .5. Let's focus on the chances of obtaining a tail. Toss the coin once, and the chances of a tail are ½. Toss the coin twice and the chances of obtaining a tail on either or both tosses are ¾. That is, 2 tosses produce 4 possible outcomes, 3 of which involve at least one tail. Toss the coin 3 times, and the chances of obtaining at least one tail are 7/8. Now suppose that a tail corresponds to contracting a STD. This example shows that the risk of contracting a STD increases with each sexual encounter. The risk may be less than ½ on each "toss," but whatever the risk is, it increases with each sexual encounter, and it increases quickly.

Me and hubby are just country folk (but hes pretty brite); so we are interested in your views of the fisherman's points.

[EvilMJ]

As a still fully functioning child bearing woman, there is always the pregancy risk. You can take all the precautions you want, but nothing is 100% (unless they are 'fixed') and it only takes once.

Health risks are always a factor

loss of closeness with family and friends. They may not totally give up on me, but I can see the possilbity of them distancing themselves from us as much as possible.

Anything else that has been previously noted applies.