Overcoming insecurity

I am hoping that you all can help me with clearing out some emotions as our first encounter gets closer. MrVan and I have arranged for a meet with a single lady for our first FFM at the end of the month. We have talked with her online about what our visions are of the evening and how we see things going. But I have hit a bump in the road that I know I need to work on before the evening happens.

A little history about myself is that I have had 2 men in my life (prior to MrVan) who have completely turned my world upside down and have given me the insecurity of men and relationships. I have had an exhusband who cheated on me and left me for another woman so this has put doubt in my mind and a fear that there is something about me that makes the men in my life hurt me. Over the course of the years after meeting MrVan, I have found the man of my dreams in him. He is so supportive and is loves me for me. I know truly how he feels for me and there is no question there.

But the situation I am starting to run into is that over the past few days MrVan and I have had individual conversations with the lady whom we are bringing into our life. We allow each other to read the IM conversations. And I get so turned on by them as to hearing what he wants and what she wants. The attraction is there for me to want to do this and I want to do this, but I have my past emotions that arise during this and ruin the moment for me.

How can I overcome these emotions before the event occurs? MrVan and I communicate openly and I have shared with him the feelings that I have and he has assured me that his love is deep for me and that there is no other woman whom he could feel for as he does with me. And I know this! So how can I let go of my insecurities to be able to enjoy the moment with my husband and this woman? I also feel an attraction to her and am hoping to explore the curiousity that I have about being bi and I want the evening to go well without these emotions creeping up on me during the evening.

Can someone please give me some advise as to how to overcome these insecurities and be able to let them go for wanting to be with my husband and this other woman?

MrsVan

[MarriedNY'ers69]

(((hugs))) MrsVan

I would remember this from the sounds of it your hubsand now is no way shape or form like the men you were with before for. And it sounds like you have a competely different relationship with him. I don't know what you can do to help things along. I have had alot of lairs in my past and cheaters. I can say my husband doesn't have those signs like the others did. I don't worry about it because my thing is if he is going to cheat nothing we do or don't do is the cause of it. It will be something with in him that he would feel the need to lie to me. We like you have a very open relationship and we talk about everything. So I just don't think cheating could or would ever happen. But you know what if it did there is nothing I can do to stop it other then what I am already doing. And what we are already doing is being open with eachother about everything. Even the straingest of fanticies one of us might have hahaha we keep an open mind and try and help eachother out as confortable as can be. We don't push eachother's limits but we do go that extra step sometimes if that make sence.

[oncewere]

Welcome to the board. The wonderful people here will surely help. I tend to deal with insecurity with a little humor.

There is an old story about a man driving through Montana. He gets a flat tire and finds that he has no jack and that his cell phone can’t find a cell. Seeing a farm house a mile or two away he decides to walk there and ask to borrow a jack. As he begins walking he thinks that farm people are kind and he’s sure they’ll loan him a jack. But as he continues walking he wonders. “I’m a stranger, how can they trust a stranger with the jack? I might steal it.” The thought process continues as he continues to walk. “They might think I’m a burglar casing the joint.” He thinks of all kinds of reasons why they might not loan it to him. Maybe this walk is a waste of time. He becomes a little defensive: “What if they don’t lend me a jack?” The thoughts continue to get more and more negative until when he finally knocks on the door he’s thinking: “What kind of a selfish person wouldn’t help someone in distress?” The owner opens the door and the man blurts out: “You can just keep your damned jack!”

Take counsel of your fears and don’t do anything you really don’t want to do but remember that any new experience is going to be at least a little scary. This is a big step for you but if you and he are really communicating on this you can handle the problems together. In anticipation, your mind can create all kinds of problems that may never manifest themselves. Just don’t let your imagination run away or when she shows up at the door or you might just find yourself saying to her: “You can just keep your damned jack.”

I wish you good fortune

Rusty

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

If my wife came to me, expressing what you have here. I would make the suggestion that there is no need to go all the way, right away. I understand there are hopes and desires from all involved, but nothing says you have to do things 1,2,3,4 ect. (What about 3a, 3b or 3c?)so maybe the next meeting (for dinner at her house, if i remember correctly) doesnt have to end up in a pile of bodies on the dining room table, what about an evening of foreplay, games and sensual overtones, with the actual doggie pile later down the road. I think Bill Murray called it "BABY STEPS"- I would venture a guess that the anticipation and desire will be killing you by the time that you are actually getting naked that you will not even think about your insecurities in passing. This is all based on IF the girl is willing to slow down or at least go with the flow, if not-- oh well her loss !! In short take your time, it may be what some call sport fuckin' but there are no awards for "Most Fucks or "Fastest Couple To The Sheets"

Just a thought from the outside lookin in, that may or may not work in your situation

[oncewere]

Another quick comment
Whenever Barb and I were up tight about anything, the comment "You can just keep your damned jack," would defuse the issue and we'd talk it out rationally.... after a good laugh.

Thank you all for your comments! I hope to learn from all of them as I receive more. While reading back on the post I did make a typo that I want to address so not to cause more confusion. This is our first FMF encounter. We have had one swap with a couple that we met at a club and while we were playing with them my emotions did not even come to surface.

So I think for me it is the situation of a single female and the fact that we have to wait for another couple weeks which in the mean time is making my mind wander and create problems that are not there.

I know I need to let the past be the past, and I thought I had successfully did just that but now all of the sudden my mind is playing games with me.. What can I do to keep these thoughts out and to realize that he loves me and is going nowhere?

Thanks again board for those that have already posted!

MrsVan

[getnit2gethr]

Maybe you've already done this, but ask your husband for a little extra support and attention, even more than usual. That might help calm your insecurities.

You should tell your husband to tread lightly because it looks like you may never want to do this again if he shows too much interest in her.

Hopefully he'll read this. I hope you guys have a great time and good luck.

[JnCC]

Lots of good advice, to which I would only add, "Always make sure the other woman is older and less attractive than you."

A man will never leave his wife for a woman with a moustache, unless his wife's is worse...

Originally Posted by JnCC

Lots of good advice, to which I would only add, "Always make sure the other woman is older and less attractive than you."

A man will never leave his wife for a woman with a moustache, unless his wife's is worse...

I hear ya on that one! That is why MrVan has older ladies in the office that would not be his type working for him

She is my age and according to him I am still sexier But I cannot let MrVan bring in woman that he would not be attracted too as it would create other problems then...

MrsVan

[VanHlebar]

I am here and reading the posts. I actually told her to post here to see if she might get some extra insight that I have not been able to give her.

We have talked and talked and talked and are still talking about this. This encounter was orginially planned as me being the center of attention and has now morphed into something much different. This will be MrsVan's first time with another lady and now that I know she really wants to experience this and is not doing this because she thought I wanted it, I am now more intrested in watching her and making sure the ladies have a great time and that MrsVan's first experience is a great one.

Just about everything that has been said here is all stuff I have already told her, but maybe hearing it from disintrested third parties will make it more clear for her.

She is currently in the same state I was in a few weeks ago after our first encounter at a club. I went thru a period of time afterwards creating a lot of questions in my mind that really didn't need to be there. Finally after reading this board for a few days, I realized that I was creating my own grief over this and that nothing had changed after our encounter.

We are really looking forward to the end of the month and I really think that once everything is done and the dust settles we will be fine. Just too much time between now and then to let the mind wander around.

-Van

[LOL_OMG]

Hi Mrs Van (and Mr too)! I have one little suggestion that seems to work for us. During your evening with her....from time to time, have a little intimacy between you and Mr Van. Whether it's a kiss, some touching or what have you, for me it's very reassuring and brings me back to my baby. I remember what it's all about and enjoy myself that much more.

Mrs LOL

[Dave_kat]

I would throw something out there, prolly a bit off the wall.

Mrs Van, a lot of men are pigs. I'm male, and I'll even call myself a pig from time to time. Instead of making this a pile on the floor, have MrVan excuse himself for a while and let you ladies have some small talk conversation. See if you 2 are interested in each other, let things start between you two. Then perhaps at something, MrVan can come back in and join in with ya'll.

The reason I offer this is 2fold. First, it doesn't so much make it about you and her competing, but more inviting him in to both of ya'll. Plus it gives you both the chance to set up some "boundaries." Without the pressure of the man who you both know in the back of your mind is there, it allows you both to experience something of a bond between you 2.
2nd, once you invite Mr Van in, it can become about him as well, especially since you've gotten a lot of the nervousness about the FF portion somewhat relaxed.

You had no problems with him with another couple. He came back to you. He still loves you and stays with you. Don't think of this one as competition, but as exploring things, and you will do just fine.

[Dave_kat]

hmmm, the part about the pigs didn't seem right after I re-read it. I was trying to reassure about the former guys and ended up in a totally different train of thought. OOPSS

[VanHlebar]

Just an update:

During more conversation today it has become clear that we may have a different idea of what might or should occur during this evening. All three members have had pretty detailed and explicit conversations about the evening and those conversations have all been shared openly. So I came up with an idea for MrsVan and I to try out and see if it helps settle some of her concerns about the evening and specifically her fear that I am going to just ignore her for our playmate.

We have decided to do a little writing assignment this weekend. We each are going to draft at "story" if you will of the evenings events. Starting from when we arrive at the house for dinner all the way to the end of the evening. The story will be told from each of our perspectives and will be about how we think the evening would be if everything was absolutely perfect. Not how we think it will unfold, but how we want it to unfold. Then on Sunday night, after all the kids have been put to bed, we are going to share these stories with one another and then discuss the differences.

I know it may sound a bit corney, but this allows us to get the entire evening down without have to have either of us stop the other during the telling of it to say anything.

We will see how it goes.. at worst case, I get to brush up on my writing skills.

Thanks again to everyone that has taken an interest in this and attempted to help us out. We will post back after the weekend for sure to at least say how the stories compared.

-Van

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

I would throw something out there, prolly a bit off the wall.

Mrs Van, a lot of men are pigs. I'm male, and I'll even call myself a pig from time to time.

You had no problems with him with another couple. He came back to you. He still loves you and stays with you. Don't think of this one as competition, but as exploring things, and you will do just fine.

Dave_Kat,

Thanks for the post..To start off I understood sord of your first comment about men are pigs And I did not take it in any wrong way and that more along the lines as the past men in my life who have hurt me. And I agree that some men are that way but I was blessed to not have one this time around

As for the last paragraph that I quoted above.. I think you hit what part of my emotions are. With being in past relationships where I competed for the spouses attention in a relationship outside of the lifestyle because I was trying to do all that I could to save a marriage that was not savable. The emotions that haunt you as the person being cheated on, scars you as you wonder what you did wrong, why they wanted someone else and where you a good wife (in my case). I have learned over years that it was in the best for this past relationship to not work out. And I know that I do not need to compete for MrVan's attention. Although I think that is part of my problem.

My fear lies in the fact that I am afraid there will be a "chemistry" that will connect him and the other lady which will make the feelings above come to life for me again. Of wondering if I am good enough, etc. (I know this all sounds silly but I just don't know how to say it).

I know MrVan loves me, that he is very happy with me and knows that he is a lucky man to have me (his words not all mine) I want this evening to happen but I want to get the emotions put in the past and go into this knowing that MrVan loves me and those feelings he has are only meant for me. That is why I am trying so hard to deal with this now and not then in the heat of the moment. MrVan will be going home with me and I hope that we can end the evening back in our bed together

How have all of you set those types of feelings aside and realized going into the evening that your spouse is happy right where they are at and will only be coming back to you at night? Any suggestions on how I can get past these emotions?

MrsVan