Once you're a swinger, Can you truly ever go back????

[TNT]

The other night Ted and I watched a program that was on HBO. It was one of their sex shows that they show on Thursday nights and in this particular one they were interviewing some of the top name porn stars. In one interview the star made a comment that once you enter porn, there is never any going back, that your life is forever changed.

This got me to thinking about swinging...once you take that final step, is there ever really any going back? Yes, you can stop swinging and never do it again but, it has forever changed you. You views, your thoughts, and your attitude on things have changed...you can never really unlearn what you have learned, so is there ever really any way you could go back to pre-swinging days?


Teresa

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by TNT

The other night Ted and I watched a program that was on HBO. It was one of their sex shows that they show on Thursday nights and in this particular one they were interviewing some of the top name porn stars. In one interview the star made a comment that once you enter porn, there is never any going back, that your life is forever changed.

This got me to thinking about swinging...once you take that final step, is there ever really any going back? Yes, you can stop swinging and never do it again but, it has forever changed you. You views, your thoughts, and your attitude on things have changed...you can never really unlearn what you have learned, so is there ever really any way you could go back to pre-swinging days?


Teresa

My husband and I have discussed this. We are just getting our feet wet in the swinging arena. We don't think you can go back...you can stop swinging, but you can't go back. More accurately, you can't take it back. It's always going to be something you've done. Mr. Fuse says it's a little like that line from "Say Anything" where one of the characters says about former lovers that you could be sixty years old, run into each other and talk about the weather, but what you're really thinking is "WE...HAD...SEX". It is irrevokably, eternally there.

This subject reminds me of something else we discussed, which is the term "the lifestyle". A new friend said that "the lifestyle" is a misnomer in her book, because a lifestyle is someone one lives every day, and every day her lifestyle is that of a mom before anything else. I think the swinging "lifestyle" could more accurately be called a paradigm shift, because it's more a change in one's way of thinking than a change in what you do every day. You engage in the activity every so often, but the paradigm shift is present every day, even if the actual swinging stops.

[WesternSwing]

I don't think we would ever truly go back to how we thought and felt about each other prior to swinging. Thank god for that, too. But I would hope that if either of us wanted to quit the other could. I think we could. We'd miss it, especially the social aspect of swinging, but WE come first and foremost. The sex is great, but we have that together already.

Swinging has opened out eyes and taught us a ton about ourselves, though. Stuff that has made us stronger and happier as a couple. It is a journey I am very glad we've taken.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

Thought provoking question, TNT. It doesn't matter what the things are that you have learned through living, you can never go back. This applies to swinging as well. Because our "hobby" is so private, you may never hear why and how folks end their swinging days, but it can only be bad or good memories left for the future. I would have to hope, that like all of you guys, we are a better, more understanding, forgiving couple of ourselves and of others because of the experience.

M.D.

[HappyPeople]

I don't think that the lifestyle has changed us, we'd be pretty much the same if we stopped.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by HappyPeople

I don't think that the lifestyle has changed us, we'd be pretty much the same if we stopped.

I have to admit that you are more well adjusted than we are. We learned a lot, primarily because one of us had never thought of the lifestyle before. Oh we'll both be the same as we were basically...but you learn things head bang ...and I think it has changed us forever.

M.D.

[bear_and_babe]

For us, swinging has taught us alot about ourselves. So if we stopped swinging I am not sure we could ever go back to the way we were before we started. We learned how to talk to each other and we learned how to be better listeners. Our views are a little more open on things now, where as before we were very closed minded.

However, I have a former friend who was a swinger and she enjoyed it. She decided to stop swinging, and she met and moved in with a guy who has never been a swinger. Now she will not even speak to us just because we are swingers. She looks down on us because we are swingers. She has really gone back to before her swinging. I am not sure this is her doing or her boyfriend's.

[DBL D]

Well, I guess it is possible. The question was, "could I or we ever go back?" I think it would be counterproductive...but it can happen if one chooses to close their mind again.

M.D.

[GerdOEvert]

No, for better or worse, your life, your relationship and you view of sexuality is changed, and you cannot change back to where you were before.

Like most of the rest of life's decisions, there are pluses and minuses and neither show up all at once.

You have the memories of some really good sexual experiences you would not otherwise have. Also we have had fun with friends which we would not have
had we remained in a traditional relationship.

The lifestyle was a net plus for us, but there are large negatives too. If you want to hear about the negatives, send a question or post one.

I also frankly wonder, over a couple of generations, what is the balance.

I have also seen swing clubs where I just did not like the style, the setting,
and the participants pictured. There are probably all kinds, all over the country.

Otto

P. S. Someone mentoned Red Rooster in Las Vegas, and I could not find it ont he Webb. Could someone post their URL?

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by TNT

In one interview the star made a comment that once you enter porn, there is never any going back, that your life is forever changed.

I think the biggest difference is that what they do is so public. They are identified with it. I mean - could you ever think of Ginger Lynn as just the organizer of the Junior High Bake Sale? Ron Jeremy as the somewhat hairy guy one cubicle over?

If you are going to get into porn, you better have a hell of a business plan, because I don't see Jenna Jameson flying through too many interviews...

They are synonymous with their body (no pun intended) of work...

Swinging - on the other hand - is typically very private. I am not known for my swinging. No pictures, no video - plausible deniability. So, I do have the luxury of leaving swinging when it is right to and not having it haunt me in the same ways that a porn star's decision haunts them.

That said, once you introduce swinging to your marriage it does change your marriage. Mrs Spoo and I can never say "we've never had sex with anyone else". It is the reality of our relationship. But, in all honesty, we have an incredible intimacy together - partially because we have as "partners in crime" explored some wild things together. We share so many secrets and "inside jokes". We "get" each other in a way that few couples do - the couples we know that do are also swingers...

But this is just a hobby - so when we walk away we walk away together. This has always been about us - but mostly because everything we do - together or individually - is about us. From that perspective, we don't really need to go back, because we are still exactly where we started

Spoomonkey

[intuition897]

Can you go back to monogamy after swinging? Sure. Mr. and I are doing just that right now, as a temporary break from swinging. It's been over a year since we played with a couple. We still (obviously) adhere to all the same principles we did while swinging actively, though. We're just not...active. This phase in our lives fits us right now. It will change again, we're sure, as life changes.

But can you change your thinking back to what it was? No, you can't. It's why, I think, swinging is approached with so much apprehension. It has earned it's nickname as Pandora's Box for good reason. You can't unlearn a thing, you can't un-know it. You can't un-see your partner having sex with someone other than yourself. You can't un-feel the arousal you felt at seeing that, or not admit you felt it. You can't un-feel or not admit the arousal you felt with another partner... It's there. It's done. It's part of your history and has partially formed who you are. The only way I can see "going back" is to delude yourself. And that's just not healthy.

[pacpl4funn]

Sorry I don't post much, but I do read the board, so I'm sure I'll catch some negitive feedback on my thoughts, but seeing where my inner thoughts and feelings are,

NO, I don't believe a relationship can go back to the same as it was before swinging, once you've opened a door, sure you can shut it, lock it up and throw away the key, however the thoughts & desires have been unlocked.
INHO, a person or couple may have learned alot from swinging, it may have even made their relationship stronger in some sence, however, you can not undo what's been done.

So in theary, unless your a great pretender, a relationship can never go back to the way it was (pre-swinging)

[Sweet_Candy]

Go back? Why? Give up all the skills learned from communicating with my SO? We will never go back, for us it's the journey forward that matters.

[dragonblade]

I to believe that you cannot go back to where you were before the fact. But why would one want to? Trust me, I know that this lifestyle can definitely bring some pain to the relationship, but that is in regards to either not being ready, or not communicating well at that point. However, once you get past those blocks, why would one want to go back to when you kept your desires hidden, and when you weren't able to tell your partner everything? When you didn't know about your sexuality completely (or on your way to completely ) and you thought you'd only have the one person to have sex with for the rest of your life?

I don't know about you, but my husband is an awesome lover in and of himself. But him with one of our playmates and myself? facelick It just is mind blowing...I'd never want to go pre-swinging...mentally, emotionally, and sexually we are all the better for it.

~Blade~

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by pacpl4funn

NO, I don't believe a relationship can go back to the same as it was before swinging, once you've opened a door, sure you can shut it, lock it up and throw away the key, however the thoughts & desires have been unlocked.

How is this any different than couples who never swing? The desire didn't start AFTER the first swinging experience - it was there long before. So - if we stop swinging and the desire is there - haven't we gone back to the way it was before - in theory?

If you went into it as a couple - to experience it together - then can this not be applied to every step you take as partners?

Swinging is a phase in our life - not who we are, not who we will be - it's just a thing we do. The next phase will be the same - something we do together, as a couple. The desires for "what's next" are already there...

And while swinging will leave us with many great memories, when it is over, it's over. We - on the other hand - will still just be getting started

Spoomonkey