Too Conservative to swing?

My husband has mentioned to me he'd like to explore the lifestyle. He even showed me this site.
I was and am still kind of scared and probably will not go for it. I just wonder if I am that different as I do not like any of the things some other posts here mention (pornography, watching other folks touch or kiss, or the thought of even being with another women in a sexual manner)
Its not something folks will talk about in person but do alot of people really do this? I don't know of any of my female friends that would even watch a XXX movie or allow their husbands to watch one aside from sharing their spouses with other people.
The idea just kind of scares me but I know my husband really wants to try it...

[JustAskJulie]

Swinging is definately not for everyone and it may not be for you, that is something that you will have to decide for yourself.

Things like swinging and pornography are often things that people just don't talk about with their friends (unless they KNOW that their friends are also into those things). That said, it is very possible that you just don't know what goes on in the privacy of your friends homes. Your best friend might be a swinger, but she sees you as so conservative that she would be afraid to tell you of her interests for fear of losing your friendship.

[DBL D]

It sounds as though you are the same as a whole bunch of folk who looked at the idea of sharing as something they could never do. I don't blame you for not being interested in it. It is a very new idea for ya. I hope you can see your husbands desires as just that and not some way to find someone else. There are lots of swingers who probably feel like you in that they don't get off on the porno and voyeurism, so they go to separate rooms. Still can be a wonderful experience, but you are the one who has to make the choice as to whether you want to check it out or not.

Male D

[Pinmonkey]

I think it's great that you will atleast talk to him about it, and have come here to look into it. If it isn't for you, then you will have to explain to your husband, that it just isn't something that interests you, and are worried about how you would feel towards him, and your relationship in general if you brought anyone else into your bed. As Julie said, it isn't for everyone, but then again, not everyone would even be open minded enough to do the research.

Good luck with whatever you may decide.

[Gayle]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My husband has mentioned to me he'd like to explore the lifestyle. He even showed me this site.
I was and am still kind of scared and probably will not go for it. I just wonder if I am that different as I do not like any of the things some other posts here mention (pornography, watching other folks touch or kiss, or the thought of even being with another women in a sexual manner)
Its not something folks will talk about in person but do alot of people really do this? I don't know of any of my female friends that would even watch a XXX movie or allow their husbands to watch one aside from sharing their spouses with other people.
The idea just kind of scares me but I know my husband really wants to try it...

I am with you on those things! I thought that I'd never find a couple that I'd be comfortable with, but I did. The thing is that if you are going to do this, you need to make sure you want to. DOn't worry about porn and orgies. I just thought about B being w/ another woman and my being w/ another man. Was I okay with that? When I decided I was, we searched and searched and searched for a couple that we were okay with... Of course, I don't know how they feel about Porn, cause it doesn't matter... they leave me out of it.

R

[txduo2000]

I consider myself a fairly conservative woman. I am not a huge porn fan, though I do watch it occasionally with my husband ... usually for about 5 minutes before the tv is forgotten. I dress conservatively, am not outlandish in the way I talk to people, am respectful of authority, but I am able to fit in well at either a PTA meeting or a lifestyle party.

But I understand where you are coming from. Some people are just from more stringent backgrounds and adhere to a more close-lipped approach to their personal life.

Swinging and sharing, exhibitionism and voyeurism is not for everyone. Some people are much happier having their sex lives remain private. There is nothing wrong with that.

But for the most part, even my friends who are not in the lifestyle will talk about sex, and what they like. That's alot of what "girl talk" is all about.

I will say, though, that becoming even a "fly on the wall" and watching lifestyle activities is somewhat liberating, if you want to be liberated in that manner. If not, then to each his own. You do not ever do anything that you aren't comfortable with.

I too applaud you for being open minded enough to just look through this board, though. Many wouldn't do that even.

[WesternSwing]

Julie is right, swinging is not for everybody. In fact, from estimates and informal polls less then 1% of the population are swingers. However, I've seen polls that show that even though less then 1% swing, as much as 30% - 40% have thought seriously about it. And many more fantasize about threesomes or moresomes. But the reality is that a much smaller percentage can emotionally handle the fantasy. For some it is better left a fantasy.

It's natural to be sexual and sensual, but to the point that many of us are sexual with others may not be for you. There's nothing wrong with that, as there is nothing wrong with what we do. And keep in mind that swinging is not the same for everybody; not all swingers watch porn, not all women are bi, etc. Don't think that we are abnormal for doing what we do, either. Other then our private life we are just like you. You'd never know we were swingers if you met us at the store or a PTA meeting.

So it's okay for you to not want to swing, and your husband should be okay with it too. He shouldn't try to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

Mr. WS

[tojoe59]

I think slow is the way to go . The best part is you and hubby talk about sex & eachothers feelsing and needs. You are one up on many.you may need to meet a couple that you can hang-out with and after 3-4 dates some one breakes the ice and play a game of strip poker, some wine and you and hubby can make love as your new friends make love also. You don't have to make them your lover until you think you want to...and NO is NO. use it if needed, your hubby will be by your side and back you. Just remember your not getting younger so play as hard as you can

[LOL_OMG]

I'm new too (you can see my our story on the Introductions post). I don't like porn, when we try to watch it together it turns out to be a comedy, cause we're laughing at how lame the music is and the plot....lol if there is any.

We started out at a club and I would recommend that to you, if it's a good club you can just "dirty dance" and watch what's going on around you. Nobody will think bad of you, and there's no pressure. Leave if you feel uncomfortable.

The club we go to has a group room...you don't have to go in there if you don't wanna....but after a few visits we watched some people. I found it very erotic to watch real people with real bodies and sound to have sex in front of me (intstead of porn, which IMO is unrealistic). You don't need to join in....but after we watched for awhile, I was more than ready to head back to our hotel and our own room and we had a wonderful time. Maybe that's all it is to us, maybe it will be more. The big thing is to talk all the time and be honest. If you don't like it...say so. If you want a little bit more, say so.

I think meeting up with a couple is quite a step, especially for someone who's ambivilent. Two on two so to speak is a bit more pressure than just going to a club and being able to leave at a drops notice.

[flassh]

Wow, I hope to read your reply to all the nice comments given. You should get alot of pats on the back for such a honest question for the board.

Yes swinging is not for everyone and it must be considered as only for those in pursuit of fun and socializing with an erotic twist. There is not a good excuse to avoid it though should you find yourself interested in just some extra hot socializing with some very real and honest folks that are conservative with respect to old fashion courtesy and respect for friends. The sex is not defining of the people per se but the sex is real with respect to the selection of partners and how you get along socially and with your values simply being part of who you are. I would hope you and your spouse are able to put sex between you as the "best" part or the glue of your marriage. If your husband is fair and honest, he would never put you in a position of not being who you are all the time. Tell him that you want to make his fantasies come true but that you are not into swapping partners due to your upbringing etc. You must feel special by your spouse before any other discussions of erotic socializing could ensue.

[Jamie&Kieth]

If this helps ok, yeah I am conservative, yes I voted for George & George and believe or not I voted for Jimmy Carter. I am not a liberal but firmly believe in my business and my family business is our business not the governments etc.

I really do not consider my self a swinger in the sence that we go to clubs to pick up other couples and have sex. On the other hand I do enjoy sex as does my husband. We both enjoy group sex and watching each other have sex.

Is this lifestyle for everybody NO WAY! Just like sports is not for everybody nor is skiing or camping not for everybody. I would not be ashamed or upset about this. If you are curious read this board and discuss with your husband.

Oh yeah I like watching porn with my husband once in a while, usually end up laughing at the lame attempt of actors trying to act ... then we have GREAT SEX!

[intuition897]

Hi unregistered, Welcome to the board! Please register so you can come back to this thread and comment some more.

I occasionally watch porn, but like many women, I'm not visually oriented when it comes to sex. It's the same for me; it becomes a comedy. The "acting" is just soooo bad in those things that it's actually painful to watch. Give me a good hot R rated movie over those any day, something that makes me use my imagination.

I would suggest that if you're not interested in the idea of non-monogamous sex of any kind for yourself, you should not do it for your husband's sake. It only leads to resentment and hurt feelings. It's normal to feel nervous or even a little scared about taking a step like this. It's a huge decision, and it's been referred to more than once as Pandora's Box. Once the questions have been seriously asked, you can't ignore them anymore. Questions like "Are we really happy with each other?" "Do we satisfy one another sexually (are we enough for one another)?" "Are we in love?" "Can I trust my spouse with all of my heart?"...for starters. BIG questions, and once you lay them on the table, they must be resolved for better or worse. So I'd suggest that you not go any further if you're not ready for the truth about your relationship. Personally, this "purifying by fire" thing is one of the reasons we so love the lifestyle; it forces us to be brutally honest with ourselves and each other, and the result is a rock solid relationship with no moving parts to break or corrode. You KNOW exactly what it is you have in each other. This does not come without its share of work or pain, but for us, the end result is really worth it.

Something else I'll mention is that there is no set rule that says you have to do this, that or the other thing to be a swinger. Each couple's relationship and preferences are uniquely their own, and while some prefer to dive right in to group sex, others prefer to not have sex with other people but simply absorb the erotic vibes you get at a swinger's club or party. There are so many variables, and you and your husband are the ones in control here. You answer to no one but each other...and yourselves. Self-respect and self-accountability are the cornerstone to success in this arena, and then that respect must extend to your spouse and to other people in general.

I encourage you to read the board. There are literally thousands of threads here all chock full of good information and advice. Even if you choose not to swing, if you don't mind that we are...shall we say, somewhat liberal and/or unconventional...we'd enjoy getting to know you. We're a good-natured bunch and we really do like to help others. Hoping to see you around the board soon!

[fun4Ds]

my wife first found out about me checkin out this board and was very confused. after she found out i was interested in it she at least gave me the rite to read.(im a reader) i wasnt interested in porn so to speak that i wanted to check out every teen porn,milking mamma site or personals that are out there. thats not what goes on here. i have learned alot about how to talk to my wife and respect boundries and her rules from alot of people here.
and in turn she learned i have boundries and rules also. sometimes it gives us something to talk about instead of the normal everyday stuff. yes we have enjoyed some swing experiances now. but the no means no rule had been established and is respected. either one of us could wake up today and say that was quite an experiance together but thats enough and that would be the end of it. but she would still let me visit the board. i like the stories better than t.v. or porn. a man or woman can have their fantasy and not have to act on them. but its the person you fell in love with.everyday i find out something new about the person i fell in love with 26 years ago, why would i want to change that. let your hubby at least check out the board. he will find out here about how to deal with your boundries. if you dont want to pursue swinging anyone here will help him deal with that. not try to tell him how to talk you into something that just isnt for you.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

...but she would still let me visit the board...if you dont want to pursue swinging anyone here will help him deal with that. not try to tell him how to talk you into something that just isnt for you.

Well, as far as "safe" outlets for extracurricular sexual interests go, this site has considerably more moral integrity than many out there. Our "playdar" picks up cheating spouses pretty quickly on here, and this kind of behaviour is NOT supported by the vast majority. So anytime someone suggests they are trying to satisfy some kind of sexual fantasy without their spouse's knowledge or approval, it is strongly discouraged.

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My husband has mentioned to me he'd like to explore the lifestyle. He even showed me this site.
I was and am still kind of scared and probably will not go for it. I just wonder if I am that different as I do not like any of the things some other posts here mention (pornography, watching other folks touch or kiss, or the thought of even being with another women in a sexual manner)
Its not something folks will talk about in person but do alot of people really do this? I don't know of any of my female friends that would even watch a XXX movie or allow their husbands to watch one aside from sharing their spouses with other people.
The idea just kind of scares me but I know my husband really wants to try it...

On the one hand, I'd say try anything once. On the other hand, you should never try anything that makes you uncomfortable before you stop talking about it. Thats where criminals go wrong. Their first crime makes them nervous to even think about it, but they convince themselves they HAVE to go through with it for one reason or another, and end up looking over their shoulders the rest of their lives.

You should tell your husband, in no uncertain terms, that you can't swing yet (and maybe never), and why. It may be hard for you to verbalize your feelings, but you have to find a way to do it. That is rule NUMBER One of swinging: Talk to your partner! If you want to try swinging, talk about why. If you meet someone you want to swing with, talk to them about what you like, don't like, will do, won't do, etc. If you don't want to swing (or swing anymore), talk about why you feel the way you do.

If done right, swingers will spend more time talking than anything else. Since he wants to swing, he has to follow rule number one and talk to you about why he does and you talk to him about why you don't.

Then there's rule Number Two:No means no and rule Number Three:Always go at the pace of the slowest partner. All three support you putting all plans of swinging on hold until YOU, the slowest partner it seems, is ready to go forward (if it ever happens). Remind him of that and, if he really considers himself a swinger, he will respect your wishes on the matter.