The pros and cons of swinging

[bayarea_cpl5675]

hello, i am here today to ask for some help. here is my problem:

i am a recently married man that is into the swinging lifestyle. my wife was the one that introduced me to it.we recently had a talk, and I come to find out that she doesnt want to swing any more, becuase she doesnt have the disire to. Now i like to swing and wish to continue to swing. so she asked me to write down the pro's and con's of swinging and im stuck. i have a lot of pro's and a couple of con's. i was wondering if any one can help me with some more pro's and con's?

[tribbles]

how bout if you post your list, without names, of course.....

[curiousduo30]

I tried to avoid this thread, but, curiousity won over, yet again....

I am sorry to be the one to say this, as I am all about helping out and being polite, BUT, honey, you need to make YOUR OWN list!!!!!!

If you can't think of anymore positive reasons (or negative one's for that matter), your list is finished!

Your wife did not ask for OUR lists she asked for YOURS....

[curiousduo30]

I just realized how rude I sounded.... I apologize, however, my answer still stands, it feels to me like you are being lazy and if you have a list going, you are doing just fine....I think this needs to come from you if your wife will be reading it, not us...

BTW, Welcome and I am sorry if my prior post seemed harsh.....

Good luck to you and I hope you both come to an agreement one way or another....

[bayarea_cpl5675]

ok and your right, its suppose to be my list , but when it comes to things like this, im bad at thinking of everything. so this is what i have so far:

pro's:
meet new and different people.

make friends.

spice up sex life.

its fun and exicting.

variety.


Con's:

family might find out.

it can get costly (money).



so what do you guys think?

[two4youinswva]

Why do you think she wants you to write down a list of pros/cons?

I mean, if she's not into it anymore, she's just not into it.

It sounds like she is just trying to find out why you still want to swing.


Moving on, you can add:
1. Communication levels tend to increase, if done properly.
2. Jeolousy, if unchecked, can be a major issue.
3. Possibility of STDs.
4. You can't do a DP by yourself (unless you have 12 inches that you can fold in half).
5. The "coolness factor" of being part of an "elite, secret society of higher beings"

I'll let you decide which ones are pros and cons.

Good luck to you!

[EmpyreanPleasur]

I'm not criticizing anyone for helping with the pros and cons list, either prior to this or after, but my first thought was the same as CuriousDuo's - it should be YOUR list.

See...if you come up with a list and IF it is limited, then that is a great opportunity to open the discussion between the two of you. In other words, if you come up with ALL the pros and ALL the cons then all she can say is...yep, those are the pros and those are the cons. The important thing is to open up discussion between the two of you.

And maybe suggest she make her list as well?

[VegasLee]

I don't think she needs a list at all. She does not want to swing.. that is simple. She does not have to swing. Her body, her life and her choice.

What is more important to you. Your relationship with your wife or meeting new friends to have sex with. No matter how you word it that is what you are saying.

Talk to her, find out what made her decide she no longer wants to swing and come to some agreement with her about your life TOGETHER. One way or the other.

[interested-05]

Could it Possibly be:
1) she simply needs a break from the lifestyle.
2)She finds herself married to a guy she wants to focus her attention on.
3) Focusing your attention on her for a while, may be what she needs at the moment.
4) Try meeting the needs she has w/o asking anything in return, may bring you some pleasant surprises

[Carol_Danny]

We have friends that we first met around 10 years ago when they were interested in the Lifestyle, and came to us for guidance. We introduced them, and they really got into the whole thing. We also became very close and tight friends, and actually very rarely played together. About 5 years ago, the wife just said she no longer wanted to swing, and that was that! She just said she was no longer into it, so she stopped, and fully expected her husband to stop also, which he actually did.

But, the abrupt change in lifestyle did put a strain on their marriage, and it never did recover. They ended up divorcing. I'm not saying that the divorce was caused by the termination of swinging, but it was a big contributor.

They have since moved on, and the husband is now living with Carol's personal trainer, while the wife is engaged to one of my old friends!! None of them are in the Lifestyle.

[northindycpl]

I am with them.... this is your list. If you can't think of anything else, then it is done.

More importantly, I really believe that there is a reason for not wanting to swing anymore. I think first and foremost, maybe taking a break and spending time discussing with your wife all of her desires would be best.

Looking over your list, it seems that most of the things you have mentioned (except variety) don't have a lot to do with swinging. Meeting new and different people, making friends, and spice up sex life- fun and exciting, are all things that you can do without being in the lifestyle, or just being lifestyle friendly.

Something else I would suggest while you take this break is to talk to your wife about maybe adjusting your rules a bit differently. Maybe it is just time for some reconnection and conversation.

IMHO, your wifes wellfare and comfort should be your only Pro.

[intuition897]

I agree that we should not offer you any ammunition, so to speak, with which you can coerce your wife into doing something she obviously has a problem with. I will say that a lot of the pros that we have experienced as a couple were not on your list. There is much more to swinging than just sexual variety, and here's a hint: it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the two of you as a couple.

Your con list is pretty short, too, and I don't feel it's imprudent to add to that. As mentioned above, STD's, pregnancy, expensive, emotional 'burnout', the risk of priorities getting seriously screwed up, kids walking in on you, loss of your job, disownership by your family/friends/church, risk that you find out you really don't like your spouse and find someone else out there who really turns your crank, possibly lower self-image/self-esteem if you are insecure about others judging your appearance (looks do matter), personal safety (!), etc... These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Browse through the board (esp. Situational Help) and see what other kinds of fixes couples have gotten themselves into. At its best, swinging is terrific, but acheiving 'optimum swing' takes a lot of work and patience as you wait for the planets and stars to align themselves as you get your heads where they need to be, get your body shape where it needs to be, find that perfect couple, line up everyone's schedules (while juggling the former), and ensuring that you'll have the cash to spend... At least, this is what works best for us. This is a pretty limiting system, but we believe in quality experiences over quantity.

[northindycpl]

INtuition.....

I think you have said it best! (But then you always have a good way with words!)

[SJCPL1]

I believe that there should be more to your conversation with your wife than just the list. You may try talking to her to find out her reasons for wanting to stop. Perhaps that will help lead you to a better understanding of her and her needs.

[TomDenise]

Pros:
Not living with suppressed desires
Freedom to enjoy sexual life with others
No reason to hide your interest in other women from wifey
Learn new things, learn from others
Swinging really enhances and expands your relationship with your spouse
Enjoy life to the fullest
Can be intimate with friends
Wont be driven to cheating by repressed desires/needs like the straight world does i.e., adultry, divorces, affairs - all because people are taught to repress NATURAL urges.

You cant cheat if your spouse knows already
Feeling totally and 100% honest with yourself and spouse, no hidden or ignored feelings, no sense of guilt or "sin" if a good looking female catches your eye. My wife will point them out and say "bet you wish you could play with that", my wife has standing permission to play with the studs at her gym anytime she wants to. Since there is no fence (see above) there is no urge to "hop the fence". Really interesting how that works... We both can play, anytime, anyhwere, and neither of us do, but we might someday.

Cons:
Possible STD's