Worried about Delayed reactions of guilt or anger

[BorisNatasha]

One of the biggest issues on Natasha's mind is the possibility of 'delayed reaction guilt and/or anger' if we ever decide to play with other people. This idea got into her head after watching a show on Oprah about swingers. Natasha says the show was fairly balanced, with couples who loved swinging and had nothing but praise for it, along with (ex?)couples who said it destroyed their life. I didn't see the show myself, but Natasha says some of the couples who were on the "Swinging destroyed my marriage" side of the discussion said that it took days or weeks after their first play date with other people before the resentment, anger, and guilt set in. At the time they all thought it was a good idea and everything felt good. But later (days, weeks, months?) the emotions came out and it was a Bad Thing(tm) for all involved.

This is Natasha's biggest fear about getting into the lifestyle. She likes the idea, but is afraid of this time delay effect... worried that at the time it will seem good and right, but later she will regret it. After discussing it with her, I can see her point and while I am not as fearful as she is, it causes me some concern. Nothing is worth possibly hurting our relationship.

How do people go about dealing with this? If you've discussed what you're getting into and everyone is OK with it right up until (and during) the time you do a swap, and then suddenly things are not as rosy as they seemed beforehand, what do you do? Better yet, is there a good method to prevent this? I understand the need for communication, but in this scenario the communication has been done and everyone is on the same page... until AFTER the deed is done.

This scenario is going to be the biggest stumbling block to us getting fully into the lifestyle if we ever decide to take that step. Any and all comments, experiences, and recommendations are welcome!

Boris

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by BorisNatasha

One of the biggest issues on Natasha's mind is the possibility of 'delayed reaction guilt and/or anger' if we ever decide to play with other people. This idea got into her head after watching a show on Oprah about swingers. Natasha says the show was fairly balanced, with couples who loved swinging and had nothing but praise for it, along with (ex?)couples who said it destroyed their life. I didn't see the show myself, but Natasha says some of the couples who were on the "Swinging destroyed my marriage" side of the discussion said that it took days or weeks after their first play date with other people before the resentment, anger, and guilt set in. At the time they all thought it was a good idea and everything felt good. But later (days, weeks, months?) the emotions came out and it was a Bad Thing(tm) for all involved.

This is Natasha's biggest fear about getting into the lifestyle. She likes the idea, but is afraid of this time delay effect... worried that at the time it will seem good and right, but later she will regret it. After discussing it with her, I can see her point and while I am not as fearful as she is, it causes me some concern. Nothing is worth possibly hurting our relationship.

How do people go about dealing with this? If you've discussed what you're getting into and everyone is OK with it right up until (and during) the time you do a swap, and then suddenly things are not as rosy as they seemed beforehand, what do you do? Better yet, is there a good method to prevent this? I understand the need for communication, but in this scenario the communication has been done and everyone is on the same page... until AFTER the deed is done.

This scenario is going to be the biggest stumbling block to us getting fully into the lifestyle if we ever decide to take that step. Any and all comments, experiences, and recommendations are welcome!

Boris

I can understand this kind of thing happening the next morning, but days, weeks, months later sounds like a cop out by couples who shouldn't have been swinging in the first place.

I'm trying to imagine the thought process that would lead to this sort of thing...and I can't. The only way I see it happening is if a part of the couple had issues right away but just didn't say anything until much later when they had 'enough'. This is of course why communication in swinging is so important, to nip these kind of issues in the bud.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Chicup

... The only way I see it happening is if a part of the couple had issues right away but just didn't say anything until much later when they had 'enough'. ...

That's what occurred to me too. In addition to the 'communication' we all praise there must also be total honesty, both with each other and with oneself.

Take some time to reflect upon why you want to do this and make sure it's not because one of you is pushing the other. Then, if you do proceed, do so slowly and carefully so that you can back out if you must. Do only what you're comfortable with and remember that no one is going to be holding a stopwatch, saying, "You have 5 minutes to swing or you're out!"

-B

[LikeMinds321]

Brad and Chicup gave excellent advice and I would add that when starting out keep reminding each other that Hey, let's not get ourselves worked up in a tizzy. Swinging is suppose to be an occassional recreational activity that is fun, not more stress and worry in your life.

MrLM and I would have lengthy conversations, find ourselves getting on edge and then one of us would realize how silly we were being. We'd say something funny to loosen us up and we both felt better. Sometimes we'd joke about how we'd leave each other: me for a guy with a 10" cock, him for a gal with a perfectly smooth ass - things that neither of us has.

Balance in all things is what I look for in life and in swinging. It's good to ask yourself how swinging will affect your marriage, but remember there are also lots of positives you should consider as well.

LM

[two4youinswva]

I've gotta give a Dito to everyone else's comments. They are right on.
Honesty, communication, and going only as fast as the slowest person, are the themes you will see in the forums over and over and over. It's because it's the truth.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

me for a guy with a 10" cock, him for a gal with a perfectly smooth ass - things that neither of us has.

I thought I didn't have a 10" cock. Then I figured out if you measure it up one side, then back down the other, you can surpass 10"-12"!

[BorisNatasha]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I can understand this kind of thing happening the next morning, but days, weeks, months later sounds like a cop out by couples who shouldn't have been swinging in the first place.

This makes a lot of sense Chicup. As we get more and more comfortable with the idea, I can't see us waking up one day after our first experience and shouting "Oh my god how could we have done that it was so WRONG" after what ultimately will be many months if not years of discussion before we take that leap.

Thanks for your input!

Boris

[BorisNatasha]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

Do only what you're comfortable with and remember that no one is going to be holding a stopwatch, saying, "You have 5 minutes to swing or you're out!"

Sorry to hear that... I usually work better under pressure.

Thanks Brad,

Boris

[BorisNatasha]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

MrLM and I would have lengthy conversations, find ourselves getting on edge and then one of us would realize how silly we were being. We'd say something funny to loosen us up and we both felt better. Sometimes we'd joke about how we'd leave each other: me for a guy with a 10" cock, him for a gal with a perfectly smooth ass - things that neither of us has.

This is reminiscent of how our last week together has gone. When I first broached the subject, asking Natasha how she would feel about eventually adding other people to our games, she had what I think would be a very common reaction among most women - she became visibly upset and poured out her fears that opening up her desire to have sex in public was going to turn me into a sexual monster asking her to do things she was not willing to do. I calmed her down and reiterated that we were just talking so I could understand her feelings about it, and not expecting or assuming anything. After a couple hours of talking everything was back to normal and we went to sleep as content as ever.

Now a little over a week since that conversation, SHE is the one asking "is there anything new to read on the forum" and "honey what sort of things do you think we could do if...." etc etc. Be careful what you wish for? No, I think things are going quite well so far and I'm proud of her ability to open up and be honest about what she wants and what interests her, even though it flies directly in the face of the strict religious upbringing she suffered through.

And I can't stress enough how reading other couples' musings on this board has put her mind at ease. She has already begun to see this whole thing as an adventure instead of something to be afraid of.

Thanks LM,

Boris

[BorisNatasha]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

I thought I didn't have a 10" cock. Then I figured out if you measure it up one side, then back down the other, you can surpass 10"-12"!

I like your system of measurement! Any chance we could get you to come do an appraisal on the house we have for sale and double the square footage?

Boris

[FunCoupleCnS]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

I thought I didn't have a 10" cock. Then I figured out if you measure it up one side, then back down the other, you can surpass 10"-12"!

I'm glad I'm not the only one. That's the only way I'd ever have porn star measurements .

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by BorisNatasha

Sorry to hear that... I usually work better under pressure.

Thanks Brad,

Boris

Well now, if that's your kink, I'm sure you'll find someone, somewhere that will oblige you!

-B

[intuition897]

Hey BorisNatasha!

I'd have to agree with Chicup. You'll both know right away if something is a little 'off'. It's when you ignore that gut instinct and continue that you'll find yourselves in trouble. I think the key is just to start slow, start small. And stick together, don't separate to different rooms where you can't have any eye contact. Starting out is just like learning to swim. Until you get a feel for the water and realize that you won't drown (all you have to do is stand up and it's only up to your waist) it's best to stick with your swim-buddy. And you're better off not diving in head-first.