Swinging lead to divorce/breakup?

[lcoupa]

I searched the forum but didn't see any old thread on this. One of my wife's fear about swinging is that she or I may end up liking the other person too much and that'll ruin our marriage. My philosophy on that is if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. But with kids in the picture, maybe it's not woth the risk.

From what I've read on this board, it sounds like most couples are secured enough in their relationship to swing....but you never know when a 3rd party can spark something in you?

Thoughts?

[hilltop]

Hi Icoupa,

The risk of a third party sparking someone up is always there whether you swing or not.

I think you run a real risk in swinging if you do not have a solid foundation to your marriage. There are SO many variables and different influences with this kind of activity. You have to really explore each other's motivation for doing this and open up communication like never before. Identify what it is you're trying to get from this experience. If it's an emotional connection from someone else or to fill in something that's missing in your marriage then swinging may not be the best choice.

You didn't say whether you've had any swinging experiences so far. I'm assuming the answer is no (please correct me if I'm wrong). It's totally normal to be worried about this issue but talk it through.

Stick around. There are lot's of good people here and you can get great answers to just about any of your questions.

Take your time and have fun with it.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by lcoupa

I searched the forum but didn't see any old thread on this. One of my wife's fear about swinging is that she or I may end up liking the other person too much and that'll ruin our marriage. My philosophy on that is if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. But with kids in the picture, maybe it's not woth the risk.

From what I've read on this board, it sounds like most couples are secured enough in their relationship to swing....but you never know when a 3rd party can spark something in you?

Thoughts?

Everyone is different but swinging brought us CLOSER together and made our marriage even stronger.

We had a great marriage to start with though.

[good times]

I agree with the previous posters, good advice.

One thing to keep in mind is that if we as a couple notice that someone is becoming emotionally attached to one of us our swinging relationship with them is over and we would drop them quick. So this problem rarely comes up with the people we play with as most swingers that I know feel the same way. The first thing one has to accept in swinging is that love and sex are two different things, I love my wife but have non-emotional recreational sex with others. And if someone can't seperate the two then they really shouldn't be swinging.

[tncinmd]

Well, it depends on what your marriage is based on and your relatioship to each other.

For us, the sex is great, but that's way down on the list of what marriage is about. Getting up for that 2 AM feeding so your wife can sleep, staying up all night with a sck spoyse, taking care of a spouse with an extended illness, being each other's best friend is way more important than if the last time you had sex was better than the ones before.

If you're able to put jealousy aside, be happy when your partner has a great exprience, keep their trust in you and continue to show your love for them, then "swinging" isn't going to do a thing to hurt your marriage. The simple rule is, if you have doubts, don't do it until you've resolved them between yourselves.

After our first mfm, which was our introduction to the "lifestyle", I got up early in the morning and went out for flowers and breakfast for her. I wanted her to know I loved her more than ever. I wanted her to know my love for her was unconditional. I wanted her to know how special she was.

Been married now for 34 years and wishing it will never end.

[jcbicouple]

One of the things we do, and we've found that many other do as well, is that either of us has the ability to say "no". This applies to anyone, anywhere, anytime. If either of us thought the other were becoming too emotionally attached to a playmate we could easily say that we weren't interested in playing with them anymore. We think of this as recreational sex, not a binding friendship or relationship. There's not a single person that we've had sex with that we hang out with. That's just a personal preference. Even if we did though, We are both confident that neither of us want to be with anyone else on this level of a relationship. Many are uncomfortable with having sex with anyone other than people they consider friends. It's something that you will need to discuss before you begin having sex with others and we would advise that you not participate in it until you are both secure and comfortable in knowing that there's no one that can replace either of you.

[Spoomonkey]

Is that a realistic concern? Yes it is. But, I tend to think that if this happened it would be the result of an unexamined relationship. Why are you doing it? Are their chinks in the armor already? Do you understand your SO's reasons for wanting to swing? Are you commited to communication?

In football - well in most sports, really - you are taught to "keep your head on a swivel". In marriage, when you chose to make it a contact sport, you need to have the same metality. Is that being paranoid or insecure? No - it is being mindful of the most important person in your life. Because of this, I think swinging has an undeniable ability to strengthen marriage simply because you can not successfully swing and neglect your marriage.

Here's another poor analogy:

Let's say you go blind. There rest of your senses, hearing, smell, etc. all strengthen to compensate. Take away monogamy (some marriages' strongest "sense") and suddenly the rest of it strengthens - intimacy, communication, desire for connection, etc. This has definitely been our experience.

Is this a guarantee that swinging will strengthen your marriage? Nope. Not every marriage belongs in swinging. And unless you examine that carefully, before you step in, you certainly do make yourselves vulnerable. In other words, if you are going to close your eyes, you'd better be damn sure that your ears are willing to pick up the slack

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by good times

I agree with the previous posters, good advice.

One thing to keep in mind is that if we as a couple notice that someone is becoming emotionally attached to one of us our swinging relationship with them is over and we would drop them quick. So this problem rarely comes up with the people we play with as most swingers that I know feel the same way. The first thing one has to accept in swinging is that love and sex are two different things, I love my wife but have non-emotional recreational sex with others. And if someone can't seperate the two then they really shouldn't be swinging.

Dito This is us. Love and sex are two different things and if someone thinks a romp in bed is going to break up our marriage they are more than just delusional :rollseyes Mr Spoo and I always play together and we don't communicate separately with our swinger friends. So calls are speaker phone or at least sitting together and emails are read back and forth (our computers are back to back) since we are always on the computers at the same time. (did I mention we're attached at the hip )

Anyway, the thing is have an open and honest relationship with your spouse. Both have veto rights to any playmate. And, always put each other before your playmates because they'll come and go. Like good times said if a problem comes up (which is rare) then immediately cut of a relationship with them.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[letsplay33]

I do not think this is for you. If you are not completely comfertable with eachother and have any thoughts like that you should not proceed any further with swinging

[two4youinswva]

You know, there may be someone out there that can screw me better than Mrs two4you. There is probably a guy out there that can make Mrs two4you orgasm as hard and as often as I can. (The last guy came real close as a matter of fact! facelick )

But, there's about eleventy hundred other, non-sexual things that Mrs two4you does for me that no one will ever be able to match. (She Rules!)
There are also many non-sexual things I do for Mrs two4you that "rock her world". (sorry, I don't have an exact count on mine )

So, if I should ever meet up with a lady that gets me off so well that I get dislocated toes, I'm still going to be leaving with Mrs two4you. She is my muse, and always will be.

I'll relish the -good fuckin'-, but I ain't falling in love.

[intuition897]

Lots of great comments and advice here! I like Spoomonkey's analogy. To use another... remember math class? When I add and subtract, for example 110 minus 108, I cancel out the 100s and just deal with the 10 and 8. The two 100's cancel each other out (I'm not making ANY sense here, am I?). What is the commonality that we all share as humans? Sexual desire. We all want a good screwin'. What?! It's true, isn't it? So if we cancel out the one thing we all have in common - namely sex - and just deal with the things that are actually relevant in our lives, we suddenly start to seem major improvements. Once we get rid or the confusion and BS that sex can cause in our relationships, things become startlingly clear. And this is good.

Will this cause divorce? Yes, it CAN. Whether or not swinging has the power to put a wedge between you is entirely up to the both of you. It has no power other than what you give it. There is no hurt and no pain other than what you choose to feel (assuming of course, that neither of you wants to intentionally hurt the other). The reason that so many people swear by swinging is because it's so scary. Folks ask for directions, figuratively speaking, while navigating down the swingers road, and want to know if there are shortcuts or if there's a way to avoid this issue or that issue (because he/she/we are really afraid of [fill in the blank] happening). The old veteran swingers (I'm getting a picture of Gomer T. McBubb in his coveralls, rocking on the front porch, chewing a piece of straw) say, "Well sir, you jest head on down this a-way, take the first left near Bubba Pyle's blue barn (don't know why in God's name he painted it that orful colour), and keep on going 'till you run smeck-deb inna yer trouble!" The only path that won't lead to wreck and ruin while you two are pursuing swinging is directly through the ring of fire. It seems like the most hazardous path to take - what with all the fire and all - but by avoiding the very things you fear, it causes them to grow in size and power.

If either of you feel unready for the hazards of this journey, if either of you is unready for the truth about your relationship, don't go. You have the right attitude Mr. Icoupa: If it's meant to be, it will survive. Pass a thing through the flame, and all that is impure and worthless is burnt away, and what is left is pure and refined and without flaw.

[BorisNatasha]

I think Intuition is just a pyromaniac.

j/k, that was very insightful, thanks.

Boris

[tncinmd]

Some useful comments have been made about emotional entanglements. We both think that thinking your going to avoid this is silly. Personally, neither one of us can have sex with someone for whom we have little or no feelings.

The difference, since neither one of us just fell off the turnip truck, is that the reason you can do that is that she doesn't have to do the laundry of or put up with those little annoying habits of the guys with whom she's playing and the women I play with aren't going to give me a two page shopping or "honey-do" list this weekend.

I'm happy that she can attract the kind of feelings from other guys she does. As a matter of fact, I think that the longest line at the funeral home isn't going to be for the one for viewing me . On the other hand, they know just how far those feelings extend while I'm still around. Ditto with the ladies with whom I'm priviledged to play. We're sensitive to others enough not to lead them in that direction, but to be firm with them when they wander that way.

I guess we've been lucky, because we've never had that kind of bad experience. But you can't trust to luck, you have to work at it. It is ego-flattering for you, but unfair to the others involved. We can't just screw 'em and forget 'em, but we aren't going to let them move in either.

[lcoupa]

We're a long way from participating in this lifestyle. Just a couple of small talks here and there. She did joke that maybe we can be swingers after the kids move out .

Being able to share your significant other with another person takes a level of trust and love. I agree with hilltop that we need to make sure our marriage is solid before jumping in. Swinging without a solid relationship foundation is like asking for trouble.

Ditto to two4youinswva's post. Mrs. Icoupa has so many qualities that I won't find with another person. Even if the other lady is a perfect 10 and is a sex goddess, I'll still be leaving with Mrs. Icoupa.

Intuition's comment makes a lot of sense " by avoiding the very things you fear, it causes them to grow in size and power. " Just being able to talk openly about our fantasies already made our relationship that much better.

Thanks for all the responses.

[WesternSwing]

Wow, after the Spoo's and Intuition there is not much else to say. What I will add though is that in survey after survey of swingers most all report their marriages getting stronger. Less then 2% of those surveyed report their marriages being less happy after entering the lifestyle and around 50% of those that reported their relationships were excellent before swinging say it got even better.

The key here is, as others have said so eloquently is that you have to be ready to face the truth about your relationship. I will tell you it's very refreshing to be that secure in your marriage. To know the real reasons you are husband and wife. Things that no others can replace in your heart and soul.

Mr. WS