The approach some newbies take to the lifestyle - doesn't seem to suit us

[Spoomonkey]

When we first got into the lifestyle, we were surprised to find that there were folks who wouldn't play with newbies. Being newbies, it made us feel a little bit discriminated against...

So - as we grew in the "hobby" we were very open to new couples. We had some great experiences with the new couples we found. What we noticed was, for the most part, they were just so "ready to explode" that our experiences were pretty mind-blowing...

But, now that we have been in it a while, we have looked back at some of the "newbies" we've played with and noticed a curious thing - they drift off quickly, going in odd directions.

We meet them a few weeks or months later and we find ourselves thinking "you guys are actually doing that???" It's like they've gone so incredibly wild that we are no longer comfortable with them... That or they become clingy and stop looking for others to play with.

Is this the reason experienced couples stay away from newbies?

We love newbies - their excitement and their energy is infectious and reignites our passion for "intra-marital" fun. But - how often do these couples become long term friends? We are beginning to think that it is rare indeed. Newbies come in, discovering themselves, and before long - like a hastily fired rocket - they are heading off on a course that often appears reckless...

And - a seperate question - is their a "sophomore slump" in swinging? I mean - we are no longer newbies - but we don't have the experienced "circle of friends" that we would love to have. We feel like we are in between. Finding playmates seems really easy now - but having any hope of friendships growing out of those experiences is hardly a flicker anymore.

Newbies, 'tweeners, you blue chip blue hairs... What do you think?

Spoomonkey

[growgirl]

As relative newbies ourselves, we most definitely agree with you about the newbie bias. We have been given the brushoff more than once and see ads quite often that request that the people contacting them have experience in the lifestyle. We have been fortunate, I guess, to meet people like the spoos, who are sophomores so to speak. We've found that the longer people have been swinging, the more they stay within the circle of friends they have made. Us junior members haven't developed a clique yet, and are more open to newbies. I do think the newbie bias is well-founded though, as it seems like a lot of newbies that are on the free sites are there just for kicks or because only one of the parners has an interest. No one really wants to waste (and I hate to use that word, because any time out isn't a waste) their lifestyle time cultivating a friendship/spark/etc with another couple and then having it suddenly end in the bedroom when the other couple FINALLY decides they aren't ready.

I am curious as to what makes you say they are going so wild you aren't comfortable with them anymore. We have only met newbies that have decided the lifestyle isn't for them.

GG

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by growgirl

I am curious as to what makes you say they are going so wild you aren't comfortable with them anymore.

What I mean by that is that they are doing things that seem a little outside of the lifestyle... Of course, that is by my definition.

I mean, going to the club with other partners when their spouse is out of town, indiscriminate choice of partners, etc. etc. Maybe they have had a taste and now just want to go crazy... Maybe they will settle down eventually... Who knows.

Some of the couples are people that we could easily see ourselves being friends with - but their friends make that difficult, if you know what I mean. Other couples - well, beyond the initial spark, there really wasn't much so we likely wouldn't have found friendship anyway. The point is, you just never know with newbies what is going to happen once they give this whole thing a spin. And because of that, you take a pretty big risk trying to connect with them.

More experienced couples can have such a strong circle that you almost need a crow bar to get into it...

And it makes us feel like we are sort of stuck in a bit of limbo.

Spoomonkey

[Dave_kat]

We look at it this way. Newbies are just like teens, out there to discover themselves in the world. Of course what rocks their world one day may not be the same as what does the next. We are, due to Dave's work, transitory at best. One day we could find ourselves in Ga, the next week living in Alaska. Those friends we have made through swinging we may not be able to see again for years.

We're very lucky to have a couple of couples that we are so comfortable with that the years don't make a difference. They grow, get into different things, we grow, get into different things. But what makes it so great is that when we come together, it's the matter of respect for everyone's boundaries.

Still, taking a newbie under the wings is a way to help them get to know whats out there. Everyone is different, everyone has different desires, different fantasies. We're just glad we could help some reach some, and encourage them to grow and experience those that they would like to.

[biblonde]

What we have found is this. ...Newbies that we have meet end up with so much drama that we now avoid them. It seems that the ones we have meet although I ask a million questions to be sure this is what they want, they end up with someone getting real jelous and upset. It became just not worth the problem to us. We will rarely meet anyone that is a newbie anymore and if we do we take it very very cautiously. I am not saying all newbies are like this ....but this has been our experiances. I know when we were newbies we had stuff to work through..but we really never went through a total jelousy thing..or flipped out over anything. So now if we get emails from newbies we chatt alot with them before even agreeing to meet them. And we ask over and over again...what makes you uncomfy, what do you want to happen...etc..

[BradAndJanet]

I wonder if what you're seeing is a result of an influx of newbies - thanks in part to Internet and 'swing positive' shows like Oprah's - who are getting into swinging for the wrong reasons and with the wrong expectations? Those who've been around longer than me might shed light on whether it's always been like this, but I'm suspecting that easier access to the lifestyle is causing some folks who probably shouldn't be swinging to give it a try, with the drama that accompanies the ill prepared.

Your report is a bit discouraging for those of use still getting our feet wet at the club. We too hoped that, in the best of all possible worlds, we could find that circle of friends you describe and have glorious orgies from time to time. We still hope that will someday come true.

-B

[Pepper & Drew]

Geez, I wouldn't consider us to be really experienced swingers, but from the Spoo definition, I guess we are. Since we decided to pursue finding couples at home to play with, we've managed to (luckily, from the posts we've read about not finding people on Swing Lifestyle) meet some couples that we really click with in a relatively short amount of time (7 or 8 months). We have a pretty good circle of friends that we are comfortable with and have a great time with, whether we have our clothes on or off.

Tell me if I'm wrong, Spoo, but don't you meet the majority of your play partners at clubs? Maybe that's preventing you from finding the "circle". I've never been to a club, but isn't the main goal of the club to find someone tonight and not to make friends? I don't know, and it's purely speculative, but just like when I was single, people said if I was looking for a long term relationship, I wasn't going to find it at a club. I think maybe the same holds true. But, hell, I could be wrong....

As far as newbies are concerned, I'll admit it, I'm biased. I'm not really interested. The experience we've had with newbies is that they haven't decided what they really want, and if they have decided, they're not good at clearly communicating it. Besides, I don't really want to be in a situation where the ugly green monster rears its ugly head and the monster is directed at me. Likely in any situation, but far more likely with newbies.

Pepper

[KaseyS]

Im just curious, what do you guys mean when you say that there are people who shouldnt be involved with swinging that decide to try it? Are there certain things about someone's personality that makes them better swingers? Do you think that the amount of time the couple has been together has anything to do with it?

Im brand new to the idea of swinging, and have never had any experiences like that. If I did become involved with someone who was interested in swinging, like I am, and we wanted to find another couple to start out with, do you think that another "newbie" couple would be a good idea? I would think that a newbie couple would be better off with a more experienced couple because they would have already gone through all the stuff you'd feel when you're new like being nervous and not knowing what to expect. I could see myself and a boyfriend with an older couple who would make us feel comfortable. At least that's the way it works in my fantasies! Or maybe Im just attacted to older guys. *L*

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

Tell me if I'm wrong, Spoo, but don't you meet the majority of your play partners at clubs? Maybe that's preventing you from finding the "circle". I've never been to a club, but isn't the main goal of the club to find someone tonight and not to make friends?

The club does make it easier to have a "right now" type of connection, but there are a lot of e-mail addresses exchanged and it seems like there are a lot of friendships made...

We "dabble" with the internet, but up here at least it is a huge pain in the keister. We still use it - and hope that it will yield some friendships, but anymore we just sor tof shrug our shoulders and wonder what we are doing wrong...

The newbies we have met at the club seem to find a circle of friends rather quickly...

Spoomonkey

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by KaseyS

Im just curious, what do you guys mean when you say that there are people who shouldnt be involved with swinging that decide to try it?

Some people get involved in swinging to "fix" things. This is a terrible reason to do it, IMHO.

Others get into it at the "strong suggestion" of one spouse. The other spouse gives in for one reason or the other and really doesn't want to be there.

And we have seen it where the husband wants to do it - and the wife takes advantage of it to humliate him and get her jollies with well hung studs while he meets no one for himself... Belive it or not - it happens...

The lifestyle appeals to all kinds...

Couples that get into this and stay healthy and connected seem to be in love with each other first and foremost - and after that they communicate better than 99% of all the couples out there. There is definitely a "type" of couple who will succeed in the lifestyle.

Others will try it and leave - others still will enter it as a prelude to the end of their relationship - or at the very least, the beginning of some huge problems. Swinging can be a wrecking ball in the hands of the wrong folks...

And when couples start getting so careless that they begin playing behind each other's back and no longer communicating, well, you can see some fireworks...

Sometimes we wonder if our "initiation" was really a good thing for these folks...



Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

The things I encountered with newbies that I always thought were the typical reasons why so many choose not to play with newbies was just the flakiness. It seems that the ones I encountered were the opposite of the ones you found. They were couples where one partner was pushing the other partner, or where they just simply weren't ready to be swinging. I think a lot of people have encountered these and because of them choose to avoid a couple who hasn't already experienced enough to know if swinging is something they want really want to/ are ready to do.

I think that most couples who have been swinging for a while, see the things you described in your last post and just decide that they don't want to take the chance of being a party to that.

[simba101]

We've been discussing getting into swinging for the past month or so. We joined this message board and a couple of Yahoo groups to gather as much information as we could before we enter into this. We both feel that we're ready and would like to go for it. We've discussed what we would be comfortable with, what we would like, not like, etc. Now after reading some of these messages about "newbies", I'm feeling discouraged. Is it such a stigma to be a "newbie"? Wasn't everyone a "newbie" at some point? I'd hate to take our first step and then find out that we're not accepted because we're new. It would be great to have some type of litmus test to determine if everyone was a good candidate for swinging, but unfortunately, that's just not the case. We have a very secure, loving, happy relationship through our marriage. We feel that this would only enhance what we already have by living out some fantasies that we have while making good friends. I would think that befriending newbies would be rewarding. It's just like a child learning to read. How exciting to see them learn about something new and get better at it each time they try.
I guess just ask me in a year or so if I still feel the same way, but right now, as a couple getting ready to enter the lifestyle for the first time, I would hope that there would be more acceptance of new people. After all, if new people aren't accepted, then where is the future of swinging?

C&M

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by simba101

if new people aren't accepted, then where is the future of swinging?

Don't be discouraged - you're right, everyone started as a newbie... Except for TNT - I think they started out being wise and seasoned... And if not seasoned - at least extra spicy

When we were newbies, we had no problem finding playmates. But be aware that some of those experiences are going to be what you will write off as "learning experiences". You'll make rules and name them after people you've met.

My point in asking the question wasn't to close the door to newbies - on the contrary, if lightening strikes with new folks next time are at the club, I have no doubt that we will work to establish a friendship... We are still searching for something beyond the bedroom connection, after all.

My question was more about the risks associated with newbies. Lots of folks get in for the wrong reasons - or they get into it not knowing where they are heading - and that can make things tough for the couple that takes them under wing.

The doors aren't closed to you - for that matter OUR doors aren't closed to newbies. But like so much in the lifestyle, there is so much more to it than you first think - and having a place like this to discuss such topics is invaluable. You'll find that our discussions are almost always "in general" and never usually personal in nature (Like when we vent about singles, we do so knowing that great ones exist!) so please don't take what we say as an attack or a discouragement. It is simple discussion - and in a year, you'll have a different perspective yourself...

And you'll undoubtedly have friends here to share it with.

Spoomonkey

[biblonde]

My question was more about the risks associated with newbies. Lots of folks get in for the wrong reasons - or they get into it not knowing where they are heading - and that can make things tough for the couple that takes them under wing.

That was the point i was trying to make. To many times..at least for us..newbies have turned out to not realize what they are getting into and even though all the right questions were answered and we all start out getting along, it turnes into the big J problem. When someone gets upset over jelousy while we are playing with them it takes its toll on us. We both feel guilty and feel bad. The last thing we want to do is upset someone or make their relation strained. We havent sworn off newbies all the way but are more careful when dealing with them. Not to say that those that have been in this lifestlye for awhile dont have the same problem because we have ran into it with them also. And really there are some who have absolutly no business in this lifestyle and those are the ones that make it more "work" than fun.

[simba101]

It's good to know that the door isn't closed to newbies. I especially can't wait to not be called a newbie anymore! We just need to get our start and then I'm sure this will all make a whole lot more sense.

When we do start meeting people, I'm assuming that it is best to tell them that we're new to avoid any of these issues. My birthday is next week....maybe my hubbie will get me a GOOD present this year!!! facelick

M