Managing the Playroom

[LikeMinds321]

I'm a new swinger. After my first two swings with the same couple I discovered that swinging isn't all play, it's work.

You've got to have multitasking ability, leadership experience, and lots of sexual appetite to work in "swinger management."

On both meets I got the play going, everyone was then watching me for their cues. I ended up worrying whether my playmate, his wife, and my husband were all comfortable; were they doing what they wanted or doing what they thought they should do based on what I was doing? All the time I was wondering - but not too much because I was busy having fun - if they were all having a good time.

Does this make sense to any of you experienced swingers?

I would prefer not to manage at all. Right now the only way I see avoiding this would be swinging with my playmate in a separate room by ourselves. Mr LM understands completely and he thinks it might be a good approach. After the warming up period with a couple we would both be comfortable playing separately. I know many couples are not keen on this. Unless we are involved in a 3some or 4some, Mr LM and I prefer to play with each other after the night has ended with our playmates, when we are alone, can talk freely, and use the evenings events to stimulate great sex between us. It's a very personal, loving moment.

Anybody experinece what I'm going through? I never saw it coming.

Any advice or insight you could share would be appreciated.

LM

[fun_pairTX]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I would prefer not to manage at all.
LM

Then DON"T, separate rooms is going to turn off a good percentage of swingers who just don't separate. We are a good example of that, we never separate. You just need to fight the urge to be in control. Everyone can manage to have a good time on their own if left to do so.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

On both meets I got the play going, everyone was then watching me for their cues. I ended up worrying whether my playmate, his wife, and my husband were all comfortable; were they doing what they wanted or doing what they thought they should do based on what I was doing? All the time I was wondering - but not too much because I was busy having fun - if they were all having a good time.

I know what you mean. In the beginning, I found myself thinking whether everyone else is having a good time, but I've realized now that if I'm having a good time, whoever I'm playing with (the other 3) will be more likely to have a good time too. Besides, you can't really be responsible for someone else's fun anyway. You are over-thinking it. Next time, take a more passive role in the beginning and perhaps someone else will take the lead.

[wrnakedru]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I'm a new swinger. After my first two swings with the same couple I discovered that swinging isn't all play, it's work. You've got to have multitasking ability, leadership experience, and lots of sexual appetite to work in "swinger management." ..... Anybody experinece what I'm going through? I never saw it coming. Any advice or insight you could share would be appreciated. LM

LM,

My long-time best friends enjoy hosting several parties a year in their home. I recall years ago them saying that they never are as 'active' at their own parties as they are elsewhere due to the responsibilites that come with hosting. It wasn't until my ex and I hosted our own party that I fully appreciated their "complaint".

Whether a "party" consists of twenty five couples or just two couples, it sometimes takes one of the group taking the initiative to "get things rolling." We as polite social beings are rather programmed to take our lead from others, even in (or maybe especially in) swinging situations.

Since the four of you have come together for the mutually expressed purpose of the activity, I don't think you need to spend an undue amount of time making sure all are okay about it. Good for you that you have taken the initiative to begin the festivities - sometimes people hesitate to do so, feeling uncomfortable with the role. I'll bet that many an encounter has ended with little to no activity occurring simply because everyone was waiting for someone else to make the first move.

I think that's why there's a forum area for games and such that are "ice breakers". It allows for the transition from social to sexual in a fun way that takes the burden off any one individual. You may want to consider utilizing one of the games at your next opportunity to see if it helps take you out of the "stage manager" role.

All that aside, I think it speaks well for you that you are aware and care for the others, their comfort level, and pleasure. "Aware" is good, but feeling that you must "manage" it for everyone is an unfair burden - - and it may be that no one except you thinks you should shoulder that burden.

You and your hubby have undoubtedly worked out some "signals" for use when things are not going well for you. Trust him to use that signal should he require it, and give yourself up to your own pleasure. So long as the activity remains within whatever boundaries all of you agreed upon prior to getting together that first time, it's really up to each individual to receive/give in the manner they choose.

Concentrate on yourself instead, and I think you'll find that more pleasure (and less 'work') will be the result.

Hope this is helpful to you!

WR

[SexhoundDog]

As usual, WRNakedRU covers every base. I can't think of a thing to add.

As far as the separate room issue, you could certainly try it, and probably should since you want to experience different facets of swing. But as many posts say, half the fun is watching your mate. I know I'd think I was missing something if I couldn't watch the wife enjoying herself or making another enjoy themself.

But what the hey, your story about your new couple was HOT, may as well try something different, if only once.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by SexhoundDog

. . . But as many posts say, half the fun is watching your mate. I know I'd think I was missing something if I couldn't watch the wife enjoying herself or making another enjoy themself.

When I was playing my eyes were often closed, and my hands, mind and body were sooo focused on my partner that the watching others never became a part of it for me.

I discovered that unless I stopped what I was doing, I never could easily see what my husband was doing. The times I did try to watch my husband with his playmate, I had to turn my head around which broke the rhythm of my play. If I watch in the future, I will likely have to be less active in my own court and focus on taking in the view as a voyeur.

Originally Posted by wrnakedru

. . . "Aware" is good, but feeling that you must "manage" it for everyone is an unfair burden - - and it may be that no one except you thinks you should shoulder that burden. . .

You are right. If the atmosphere in the room is positive it is all I should be concerned about.

LM

[akamgaxoxo]

I always feel like I am doing the most work, I maintain the friendships, I look at the ads, I am the talker, do-er and the planner of our encounters. I did sit down with my hubby and explain this to him.....that this is alot of work for me! Yes I fully enjoy pleasuring both men, but when it comes down to it during our fun time, I often find myself wondering if I did enough to make it fun for both of them. Sometimes I just tell the guys when we are together, "Ok guys, tonite is the nite that you please me"...and well I just enjoy the show then, and I find that to be much more relaxing.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by akamgaxoxo

. . . Sometimes I just tell the guys when we are together, "Ok guys, tonite is the nite that you please me"...and well I just enjoy the show then, and I find that to be much more relaxing.

This would'nt be a bad approach. There could be nights when the focus would be on one person getting lots of attention, this would provide the givers with pleasure, also we would know that we'll get our "turn" sometime, if not that night, then at another time.

I'm realizing that play can't always be equal among four people. I can't expect this. I can't worry if it isn't equally divvied up at each play.

Starting out, I am thinking about all these things.

LM

[stoutgatte]

LM, I think most bases has been covered here, but to reinforce, my opinion follows:

Seperate play is fine if everyone feels comfy with it, might make it harder to find playmates. We'd play with you though

As for you worrying, is it true that you generally worry about others and if they're having fun or is it just in swinging situations. Like WR said, it simply points out that you are a caring person who want's to make sure everyone's enjoying themselves. Not a bad thing, but if it lessens your fun, it might become one.

So figure out a schedule of some sort, if you're entertaining, alternate the responsibility with hubby (ie he looks out to check on everyone) and make sure you don't take it on yourself. If you're visiting, let the hosts take care of things and you just relax.

Easier said than done, I know...

[JustAskJulie]

I'm curious LM, was the other couple also new to swinging? I think that's when it is hardest. It seems like usually the couple with the most experience is the one who usually takes the lead. In a situation where both couples are pretty new it may be the couple (or person) who comes off having the best ability to direct thing/ get things going. Also, as WR pointed out if both of these meets were at YOUR house then it's your playing field so people would look to you to get things going. Maybe the trick would be to go to their place next time or to go to a hotel where it's "neutral" ground.

I am the type of person where if I'm hosting a party (whether at my house or wherever) then I am, like you, constantly worried about the guests and wondering whether or not they are having a good time, have what they need, etc... which usually means I have a lousy time.... and sadly in my having a lousy time I just worry that much more that I'm not the only one sufferering (even tho I probably am), which just makes it worse.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I'm curious LM, was the other couple also new to swinging? I think that's when it is hardest. It seems like usually the couple with the most experience is the one who usually takes the lead. In a situation where both couples are pretty new it may be the couple (or person) who comes off having the best ability to direct thing/ get things going.

Yes Julie, the other couple is new to swinging too. You're insight is also correct regarding the group dynamics: If I am in a group of people and I see something needs to be done - someone needs to take charge and no one is - I'll always step in and take on the job.

Also, as WR pointed out if both of these meets were at YOUR house then it's your playing field so people would look to you to get things going. Maybe the trick would be to go to their place next time or to go to a hotel where it's "neutral" ground.

The first meet was at a hotel room (they drove in to meet us and we all played at their hotel), the second meet we drove to their town and played at their home, even though Mr LM and I chose to stay at a hotel. Next time they will likely stay at our home which will take lots of preparation.

I am the type of person where if I'm hosting a party (whether at my house or wherever) then I am, like you, constantly worried about the guests and wondering whether or not they are having a good time, have what they need, etc... which usually means I have a lousy time.... and sadly in my having a lousy time I just worry that much more that I'm not the only one sufferering (even tho I probably am), which just makes it worse.

Thankfully I don't anticipate ever hosting a house party - to me this is at least six people. With only one couple over for drinks and sex it will feel very relaxed.

Besides, after all the great advice everyone has given me here, I already feel I won't get overworked the next time we play.

LM

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

Seperate play is fine if everyone feels comfy with it, might make it harder to find playmates. We'd play with you though

We would never require separate rooms for play. It is only a consideration with this couple because we know they are comfy with it. It isn't how we'd play every time, just now and then.

And stoutgatte, if you and Mrs stoutgatte would play separately with us then I'd say there is hope of finding others who would consider it after getting to know us.

As for you worrying, is it true that you generally worry about others and if they're having fun or is it just in swinging situations.

If I am "vanilla" entertaining in my home I watch everyone to see if they are happy. But I think this is common for most people.

I'm not a bonafide worrier...in fact, I don't let much worry me. With swinging being the newest thing in my life I want to get it right. That is why I am dwelling on every aspect of what I am experiencing as I swing.

LM

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

I'm with Stoutgatte - most has been covered here but I'll put in my two cents

Good points made by all. I think a lot of it can be the dynamics of who is playing. When we are MFM Mr Spoo will take the lead so I can be the center of attention facelick works well for me!

In a couple situation personalities and length of time in the lifestyle all play into who is the 'manager' and who isn't. For the most part we discuss a lot up front with the couple before ever heading to a room so Mr Spoo and I (since we never do separate rooms) will both just try to stay aware of what is going on. We'll talk (comment on the action so to speak) back and forth and with the other couple to kind of keep everyone involved, enjoying both their new playmate as well as taking advantage of the voyourist opportunities (something I was not aware that I enjoyed so much until getting into the lifestyle - no wonder men love it so much

I took the lead when we were with a new couple (directing her husband to join me going down on his wife - I had a couple do that with us and it was hot so we try to occasionally add it to our play now). The thing with that was I wasn't aware that I was "managing/directing" the activities I was just enjoying the whole experience of 4 bodies in an interchanging pile. Mr Spoo later pointed out that he noticed I had sort of taken charge.

Point to note is everyone in the lifestyle understands the freedom and open communication that is a must, and that no means no. So I say relax and enjoy. If someone else takes the lead let them, if you do just enjoy it. It can be a fun role to be in if you look at it in a different way than having to be the host/hostess or the person responsible for making sure everyone has fun. We're all adults and we should be able to take our own responsibility and say what we want and don't want. It will be different everytime your with someone new, so sit back relax and enjoy the ride!!

Mrs Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

Point to note is everyone in the lifestyle understands the freedom and open communication that is a must, and that no means no. So I say relax and enjoy. If someone else takes the lead let them, if you do just enjoy it. It can be a fun role to be in if you look at it in a different way than having to be the host/hostess or the person responsible for making sure everyone has fun. We're all adults and we should be able to take our own responsibility and say what we want and don't want. It will be different everytime your with someone new, so sit back relax and enjoy the ride!!

Mrs Spoomonkey

Thanks for this great positive advice. I can make swinging as uncomplicated as I choose. I'm going to stay flexible, spontaneous, and never expect swinging to be perfect...having fun is good enough.

LM