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The Fuse

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The Fuse last won the day on July 11 2016

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About The Fuse

  • Rank
    Way too opinionated
  • Birthday 06/22/1966

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Single Female
  • Location
    Southeastern Virginia
  • Occupation
    Engineer
  • Swinging Experience
    Since early 2006.

Swinger Info

  • SLS Name
    The_Fuse

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  1. Hi opensexejoy, As much as we hate the risk of STDs, the truth is that there's pretty much no way to have zero risk while still having sex with new people (unless they're virgins, which doesn't seem likely or advisable). Like motorcycling, there is simply some risk inherent to swinging. You can significantly cut down the risk by using condoms, choosing your partners very carefully, getting tested yourself, and asking that your partners be tested. However, I can say that at least in my experience, if you find a group of swingers who has known each other for a while and mostly stays within the group, you would have a lower chance of getting an STD. People often repeat the anecdote that you're more likely to get an STD in a committed relationship where one partner is cheating. If an active swinger with friends in the local scene gets an STD, then they may self-select out in order to protect their friends and their own reputation. I'm sorry there's no magic bullet. If you want to swing, the best thing you can do is educate yourself and then do what you can to mitigate the risk. Condoms do reduce the feeling for some people. Perhaps try different types and find the best one for you?
  2. The only clue is that the OP has described her friend's wife as "uptight", but yet they attend swinging events. I'd like to know what the OP thinks might happen if they turned up at the same event. What's the worst thing that could happen? If the wife is unhappy, but wouldn't make any trouble, then I don't think that should keep the OP away. If there could be trouble or someone could be outed, that's another matter. OP, what do you think might happen if you all turn up at an event? What if you just met in real life somewhere?
  3. Hi Curioshusband, If you sign up for one or more of the websites CoupleInMD79 mentioned, you should be able to find announcements on there for any Meet and Greet events being held in your area. There's usually an option for a free membership that will have limited functionality, but might give you access to those announcements. Otherwise, there might be a fee to join by the month. As written above, those are usually held at a bar, restaurant or similar place. I would not recommend going alone to your first event. All that will happen is that the local swingers you meet there will assume you are simply a cheating husband if you don't bring your wife, and then you will have problems later when you do bring her, because people will remember you went alone your first time and will wonder about you. Remember, in swinging (as in everything) you and your wife are a team. One of the most rewarding parts of the lifestyle is discovering *together* how nice the people are. I can see that you're concerned about your wife finding something distasteful about the atmosphere and getting turned off. It's great that you're concerned about her having a good time, but I think going without her would backfire. To any concern about the atmosphere, I can say I've never been to a meet and greet that was anything but convivial and friendly in a way that's completely appropriate for a public place. Not only that, but you could probably go to the bar together and just watch the M&G from afar until and unless you both feel ready to walk over to the group and start meeting other folks. That way, you could both see that the people there aren't scary. Good luck!
  4. Speaking from experience, I can say "Be careful" with this. Backing up for a second: I think that in order to give you useful advice, it would help me to know a little more about your relationship and your history with approaching swinging. How long have you been together? Do you feel secure in your relationship? Is it a permanent relationship, or just for fun? Are either of you the jealous type? Are you both into swinging for the fun you'll have together, or just exploring because it's sexy and titillating? Whose idea was it? Did you talk a lot before meeting the one couple? Did you choose the couple together? And many more questions, but you get the idea. Usually in swinging, it helps the man to have a woman with him. Males swinging alone can have a more difficult time, because the ladies are generally more in demand. Does your boyfriend want to *swing* alone, or just have an excuse to mess around while keeping you in his back pocket? Whatever you decide, best of luck, and I recommend coming back here to discuss things with the members of this board. EDIT: I just saw your new post. Thanks for coming back! If you and your boyfriend are into different physical types, that's fine. It shouldn't be too hard to find couples where the woman is to your boyfriend's taste, and the man is to yours. You may have to put in some time looking at profiles together, or you can go to parties and meet a lot of people at once. If there's no four-way match, I believe your best bet is to wait things out and keep socializing until you find the right couple. Again, it can take some time. Keep talking to one another and meeting new couples. Parties and clubs are a good way to meet a lot of people at once.
  5. Hello sbberg, Thanks for telling us your story and wanting to connect with the community here. There is a lot of wisdom and experience on this board. I used to be married, and we were swingers for about 4-5 years. We had a great time for most of that time. But toward the end my ex had a big chip on his shoulder about "fairness", and a problem with the reality that often the women are desired by more folks than the men in this lifestyle. I always wished he could just have all the fun we were having and not worry so much about whether he got as much play or as many offers as I did. To some extent men just have to accept that women are more often the objects of desire. It's not fair, but there is plenty of fun to be had by everyone. I tell you this so that you can know my perspective when I ask you a couple of questions. When you think about swinging together with other couples, do you feel *desire* to be with other women? Or do you feel more lukewarm about it? You want to get only so close, but don't have a desire to have full-on sex? Or, is what's uppermost in your mind the anxiety due to wondering whether that lady likes you or just views you as a way to get to your wife? In other words, is your basic feeling "YES, LET'S GO!", or "Eh", or "I'm feeling uncomfortable and possibly left behind?" If your wife is burning up and you're on simmer only, there could be an issue when she starts to get excited again, like what happened before. Do you, and more importantly does she, have a plan for how to hold back without becoming frustrated? Speaking from experience, I started to become really resentful when my ex continually denied me experiences I wanted because he felt he had to have as "much play" as I did. I really didn't see why he couldn't just be happy for me, since I only wanted to go let loose and then go resume our lives together, which I told him repeatedly I wanted to go on till we were old and gray, and beyond. But he kept holding me back out of a need for "fairness" until I felt like he was just being possessive and jealous of me because of an artifact of sexuality: I had the pussy. If you both fear this type of tension between the two of you, I advise you to find other ways to have fun together and not swing. How much do you enjoy watching your wife with other women and with other men? If you had little to no desire to play yourself, would you still get a charge out of watching her, without feeling resentful of her popularity? Some men get a real charge out of watching their wives or girlfriends with other men, and care little whether they play at all. Some don't like watching. Some enjoy her enjoyment, and want to watch a little, but watching by itself is not so erotic for them that it's something they'd be that interested in. I think it's important that you both know which category you're in. Are you willing to pursue a woman you desire, and find out from her whether that desire is returned? It sounds like it's important to you to know that you're desired. It's another unfortunate reality that men are still expected to be the pursuers, at least mostly. It would serve you well to make a prospective partner feel like she lights you on fire. You can ask that woman, pretty much straight out, whether she finds you attractive and wants to be with you. When she answers, it's not even so much her words that matter, as the feeling you get from her. Are you very taken aback that your wife seems to enjoy herself so much? Why? You mentioned that she enjoyed the men more than you thought she would. Does that make you doubt her feelings about you? Do you trust that she still wants to go home with you, and grow old with you, and that the rest of it is just fun and sexy friendship? I wish you the best of everything in your marriage. Swinging is great for the friendships, fun times and for the sex, but your marriage is much more precious. I still retain many friends from the lifestyle, even though I'm no longer swinging at all. I have one boyfriend who has some experience in the lifestyle as well, and would love to see me with others. But for now I just have no desire to branch out. I think it's important to listen to your inner voice and know what moves you and what doesn't, and how powerful those feelings are likely to be, especially for your wife. Thanks again for being here. I hope to hear more from you.
  6. I've got to agree with funcoupledayton: if a couple tells me they have no rules, and they just go with the flow, then unless they've been swinging for a number of years I think they haven't talked with each other enough, or they just don't give a hoot. I would be worried that one or both of the couple will think they have no rules until something happens that makes them uncomfortable, at which time unpleasantness might ensue. I understand the inclination to just go with the flow. But you're talking about a potentially bad situation with the one you love. If he won't talk about it beforehand, I would suggest keeping a close eye on him when and if you do anything, moving very slowly, and making sure he seems comfortable with whatever is going on at every step.
  7. So far, I haven't seen much discussion about what you and your spouse are comfortable with or not comfortable with. I would be curious to see a post about what you've discussed between the two of you, and what has come up. In my opinion, your rules should be about preventing things that would make one or both of you feel uncomfortable. Period. You've heard some of the common rules (condoms, get permission), and some of the less common ones. What do you and your SO think of some of these?
  8. Hi from Spain, beautiful photo, and if I may add, beautiful body.

  9. Hi. We are new to the site.

     

    From what I have read thus far, I really enjoy your replies to the various posts. It seems that you are really comfortable with being able to express yourself.

     

    Please don't take this the wrong way, but I am really impressed with your picture. I really enjoy the look of the natural female body, instead of something that has become rather artificial due to the pressures of what society expects. This is one of the reasons that Mrs Trophy and myself are as comfortable with ourselves. We do not give into peer pressures and just do things in order to please others.

     

    As we are only beginning to consier and explore the lifestyle, perhaps we can confide in you based on your experience.

     

    I hope that you would like to help us both and we could continue to contact you from time to time.

     

    All the best

     

    Mr and Mrs Trophy

  10. Just thought I would drop a line to say HI! Hope you two are doing well! CXXC

  11. Hello my name is Tom I read one of your replys and wanted to say hi I would like to to get to know some more open minded people for friends and just to chat and maybe great to know each other a little better thank you . Tom M. ps OH and the picture fantastic :)

  12. This is not really a swinging issue, since your husband offered it as some kind of weird compromise that he probably knows won't work, since you say you have no desire to have sex with other men. The way I see it, you have a few main issues. The first is kind of academic: what is "rational" or "irrational" in this situation? Are you rational to want a monogamous marriage? Is he irrational to demand to be free to pursue dating other women? I think it would help if you can actually articulate why you don't want him to date other women, and if he can actually articulate why he thinks he needs to, or at least explain the desire. For your part, I think it's important to put aside the *societal* expectation of monogamy being the norm and "of course" anyone who wants an open marriage is automatically in the wrong. Forget about society. Why do you, rose_bleu, need your husband to forsake all others? This is a very important question, and one that may take a while to get to the bottom of. You could try to answer the question of what specifically you think you would be losing if your husband pursues his desire for variety. Is the problem that you think you might lose him to another woman? Or lose more of his time, or his attention, than you're willing to give up? Or perhaps you simply believe deeply that married people should sleep only with each other? Your original post said that your current opinion is that monogamy is the lifestyle for you, after having some experience with other lifestyles. Maybe you will come up with different answers entirely. Most people in society "know" that married people should only have sex with each other for the health and stability of the marriage, and they "know" that a desire to have sex with others is an affront to them and their status as spouse. As swingers, we have come to believe this is not true. But swingers (by and large) also want both spouses to have the desire in more or less equal parts, and also to (mostly) participate together, couple to couple. Personally I don't think that is the only right answer. The right answer is some arrangement where both partners feel they are valued and happy in the relationship, and confident of its strength. If it sounds like I have spent some time thinking about this, you're right. For your husband's part, he needs to reach deep inside and explain what is motivating him so strongly to believe he needs to be "off his leash" or feel too caged to continue in a happy marriage. Is he looking for outside validation? Does he crave attention from new women for the excitement? Is he afraid of getting old, and needing to cram in all the "dating" he can before his time expires? My opinion is that perhaps once you have the answers to those questions, you could make headway on who is being rational or irrational. But that may not matter so much as the below. The other, more important issue is that you have what *could* turn out to be an irreconcilable difference, regardless of whether either of you comes to think of either position as rational or not. You need your husband to not date other women to be happy.. He needs to be free to date them in order to be happy. From what you write, he feels he doesn't have a way forward in the relationship unless he has this freedom. Also from what you write, you are not sure you can continue unless he agrees to stay faithful. By the way, if he does agree, I believe you are setting yourself up to find out one day that he is cheating. That urge for sexual freedom drives people to do things they never thought they would or could do. You two love each other, your sex life is good together, and everything else seems to be a go in the relationship. I hope you can find a way past this. It has already been difficult for you, and finding a way that you can both move forward and feel positive about your marriage will be a challenge unless one of you comes around to thinking about things in a different way. I hope you will continue to check in and let us know how things are going. I don't know you, but my thoughts are with you.
  13. I think you should talk to potential play partners and let them know. Personally I would be disappointed if I knew someone didn't like to or couldn't have intercourse for a longer period of time. Sometimes a short time is fine, but I wouldn't want it to be that way most of the time.
  14. Who knows, maybe the guy has a child, who is the "roommate" in question, and didn't want to say so.
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