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lindyswing

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About lindyswing

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  1. I just finished reading The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. He goes deeply into comparing lust and limerance and where they overlap. Great book...really helped me understand my recent and new experiences with limerance. I agree that it's a fantastic concept. My primary partner and I started on non-monogamy by having an open relationship...permission to have flings with other people separately...this was about 7 years ago. About a year ago, we discovered the swinging world. A couple months later, we started learning more about polyamory...especially upon reading The Ethical Slut...also a great book which I think anyone in a non-monagamous/swinging/poly/etc relationship should read. Anyways, straddling both the swinging and poly worlds works well for us and whether we want more or less emotional involvement with other partners depends on how we feel about the other partners. Right now, I have a boyfriend (=a secondary) that I have really serious romantic feelings for, but it's not full-blown life-complicating limerance. This boyfriend has sort of replaced a previous guy with whom I had a complicated relationship--a major aspect of the difficulties in this relationship with guy number 1: limerance took me (the swinger casual sex queen) by surprise when guy number 1 had signed up for casual sex, not being my boyfriend. My primary partner currently has a girl he's starting to date, in fact, he's out on a date with her right now...and my primary partner has definitely had lots of other limerant attractions to his secondary partners. So I can definitely respond to your questions: Not in our case. My primary and I have really really open communication and we've been going through limerance anyways. Also, he heard all about all my limerant and complicated relationship with guy number 1, and I always love hearing all about his relationships, which are often limerant. It was both because limerance is a good and bad thing...limerance is intense ups and downs of joy and pain. A big part of my primary and me having this open relationship is that we got together young and don't feel like we've had the dating and sexual experiences with other people that we'd like to experience in our lives, and I hadn't ever really experienced something quite like this before. It was definitely an experience I needed to have in my life--I learned a lot about myself, my values, men, relationships, etc--the experience was even a catalyst into confronting and dealing with some lingering self-esteem issues from a troubled childhood. It was definitely acceptable. At times it was bad enough that my obsessing over the other guy and my difficult relationship with him got annoying to my primary partner. But most of the time, he found it interesting, funny, a little bit cute, and an opportunity for my growth in life. And for the entire experience, I was continually comparing the comfortable security and true love of my old relationship magic with the insecure ups and downs of the limerant new relationship energy...it definitely made me appreciate how wonderful my primary relationship is...old relationship magic ain't as intense as limerance but overall it's far superior. By the way, if anyone remembers my big post about "Stating a perkier tit preference," I'm talking about the same guy. With my new boyfriend, I'm more experienced this time around. For example, this time, I was able to recognize that I would have feelings for this guy and to be up front about that from the beginning. I'm also much more compatible with the new boyfriend. So the relationship is smoother and therefore the intensity of the limerance is less stomach-churning...it's just the right amount to make it exciting and fun without taking over my life. I don't obsess about my relationship with this guy much because the relationship is just easier. My partner made a joke the other day that he misses the old boyfriend because I'd always be complaining about him. Now with the new boyfriend, apparently I on and on about how great he is. When my partner has been in limerance, I always think it's adorable, I feel for him and I get pissed if a girl breaks his heart. If a girl is lucky enough to be the object of my guy's crush, she'd better appreciate it and be careful with his heart. Most people would probably think I'm weird because I can get catty if a girl DOESN'T return his affection, but if she does fall for my guy, I'm all excited and happy about it.
  2. WARNING: touchy-feely yet militant feminist rant about loving your body to follow....also, I wrote this as the last post was written asking me if as a feminist, I was/am pissed...I think you'll see that yes, as a feminist, I'm pissed off about narrow beauty standards Pepper is totally right that I put him on the spot, he said what came to mind first and he had no intentions to hurt. I don't deny that I'm struggling with body image issues, that I contributed to our discussions and disagreements about them, and that I could have prevented getting my feelings hurt by avoiding any discussion of body parts or looks that I am self-conscious about. It's true that I could suppress, avoid and deny those feelings in a don't ask, don't tell policy, which I think is what he thinks would be the mature way to go. But ultimately, I don't feel like a don't ask, don't tell policy is the path to self-esteem and a mature view of what is beautiful, for him, me or anyone else. I'm not saying that I handled this with full self-esteem and maturity either, but I think my response was closer to attaining self-esteem than supressing my insecurities and therefore giving them strength and credibility. I think a mature view would appreciate the beauty in a diversity of body types, nipple positions and hair (aside: I don't even know what about Pepper's hair could possibly cause self-consciousness). I think a mature view would be to appreciate the beauty and sex appeal in every part of your own body just as it is--this is a very different thing than accepting flaws. A mature view would be able to respond to those who don't appreciate the beauty in every part of your body with sadness for their narrow vision and their inability to celebrate diversity in sex appeal. A mature approach would have the self-confidence to attempt to educate narrow-minded partners about what's sexy about every part of you and expand their vision beyond limiting Hollywood standards. And if they can't expand their vision, I don't see anything immature about preferring a partner who does appreciate all you have to offer. I don't want to make important topics off-limits for sharing and discussing with my partners. I want to be able to talk about the weight I've lost--I lost the weight for my health, I am proud of myself for developing healthy eating and excercise habits, and I think my family history with disordered eating is an interesting and important subject--it's an important part of who I am and an important part of getting to know me. And you can certainly bet that that goes double for getting to know my tits if you are my sex partner. My tits are really super sexy. They may completely fail the pencil test, but they are full and voluptuous, and every other man and woman I've ever been with has fawned over them using his or her hands, mouth and words. It's tempting to post a picture of them On my good days, I know they are super sexy with all my heart--and when we started fucking in front of the mirror, I couldn't even wrap my mind around how he could possibly not agree with me...because I was getting an objective view of what they actually look like and they looked hot to me. But not only is he dead set that my tits are not beautiful...he also said that he has never in his life been with a partner who has good breasts. So is it me who needs to mature by accepting that my breasts are saggy and flawed? Or is it him who has some unrealistic expectation about what constitutes beautiful breasts? To his credit, I think he's trying to work on these issues. Bottom line: I don't think it would be mature to let men perpetuate narrow beauty standards under any circumstance without challenging them about those narrow beauty standards. I'm just not yet mature enough to do that consistently with confidence and no sign of tears, especially with guys I really like and want to like me back. Regarding whether it's a good idea to ask me if I like your cock when you're fucking me...um, yeah, please, please, please ask me over and over again with your best dirty talk because my answer is nothing but yes, yes, yes, and the more you ask me the better it feels. And geez, my primary partner normally can't come without me talking dirty like that about my tits...how am I supposed to read you guy's minds! First, you want me to talk about my tits, then you don't--men, they can't ever make up their minds!
  3. Some additional clarification of the situation--and I'll admit: I am the woman. First, my primary partner and I tend more towards polyamory than strictly recreational swinging. I have an intense romantic crush on this guy, and it's ok that I feel this way. Second, I'm a feminist. These issues are both personal and political to me....I can't help but make a big deal out of it when men have narrow beauty standards. The reason why I suspected that he didn't like my tits: The first time we played, I shared that I had lost 55 lbs in the last 2 years. He responded to this by telling me that he could tell because of my loose skin and then he pulled on my breast. I told him that in fact my breasts have always been this shape, but I did not let on that his comment hurt my feelings. The way I actually responded during the second encounter: - Stunned silence while he continued to caress me but said nothing. - I then apologized to him for saying what I said--I was a little teary I admit. The reason I apologized: if I had been thinking straight, I could have predicted that he was likely to say something brutally honest that would hurt my feelings and offend my politics beyond what I could suppress, given his comment during our first play time. - I specifically asked for reassurance that he is honestly attracted to me and why. He refused to answer why because he's not into giving compliments. We ended up having a long discussion in which I explained that there are men who are willing to settle for sex with women they don't actually find attractive because many more men want uncommitted sex than do women, and if we were to continue playing, I needed some reassurance that he's not just settling for me because he can't get anyone else. We continued discussing body image issues; the fact that he is a leg man, not a breast man; if he's ever in this situation in the future, whether he should try to say something more diplomatic; whether I have a healthy self-esteem; etc, etc, etc. I found it to be a respectful discussion even though we disagree and have different perpectives about many things. He finally came up with a compliment about my sexiness...and man, it was some compliment...totally genuine, totally knocked my socks off. The evening culminated in me in front of a mirror telling him all the things I love about my looks; then we fucked in front of said mirror while I went on and on about how hot I am and that he's crazy not to like my breasts. It was totally hot. I also found it rather therapeutic. I just got back from spending a third incredible weekend with him. What I was trying to get feedback on in my first post is this new issue: He thinks my response during our second weekend together was unreasonable and immature. If I were a mature person I would have accepted my breasts as flaws long ago and what he said in the second encounter would be no big deal, whereas I think: 1) I responded very very reasonably 2) at the time he made the comment, it would be reasonable behavior for a woman to decide that he's too insensitive to deserve to be her sex partner [even though ultimately I did not do this] 3) my breasts aren't flaws and what's healthy and mature is to recognize their beauty and sexiness So many of you seem to agree with me, but some of you don't...for anyone still paying attention to this thread, does the additional info change any of your minds or trigger any other thoughts?
  4. Here's the scenario: A woman in an open relationship plays with a new, very good and very compatible casual sex partner outside of her primary relationship. During their first encounter, she suspected that he didn't like her tits. But then during the second time she played with him, he was paying her tits so much attention, she happily remarked, "I thought you didn't like my tits, but you've been playing with them so much, I'm beginning to think you do like them." He then says, "I generally prefer tits that are smaller and perkier, but they're skin and all skin is good skin." If you were this woman, how would you feel about this guy saying this and how would you respond? What types of feelings and responses do you think would be appropriate and reasonable for the woman to have? Would you think it is reasonable for this to hurt her feelings? For her to be in stunned silence? For her to need to be reassured that she is physically attractive to him in some way? That he's not just settling for her and her non-perky tits because she's willing to have sex with him? For her to need to hear that he thinks she's pretty? Alternatively, would you think it is reasonable for her to think that comment was so insensitive that he doesn't deserve to have sex with her? Or do you think the only mature response would be continuing with the play and regarding the comment as no big deal because she has accepted her saggy tits as one of her physical flaws?
  5. LMAO!!! Justice indeed! As cool as everyone on swingersborad is, Vegas Lee is THE coolest. I aspire to being out, maybe not as out as Vegas Lee but at least close. We're not there yet, and I don't know if we'll ever get there, but we're getting closer all the time. Considering putting up face pictures is another step in that direction. Thanks all for the heads up that there would in fact be some way to save our pictures on SLS...my computer-wiz hubby said the same thing...but to me it's still an extra level of security that they can't just right-click. If you think my face is so pretty that you have to buy a special computer program or learn whatever skills you'd have to learn to save my face picture, well then, maybe you deserve to own my face picture Hubby made a funny joke about this last night...to the people who say, "Well if they see my face on the swingers site, I know they were there for the same thing," his response is "But that's not a conversation I want to have with my mother!" But I pointed out the flaw in hubby's logic...if your mother is on the swingers site too, I think you DO want her to see your face picture so she doesn't contact you and set up a meeting! The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards the attitude of bill&sabrina: "Our thoughts are that nothing is wrong with swinging, so why hide. I have yet to hear a reason for hiding, everything I have heard is an excuse. Why do something that would ruin your life if your boss/clients, family, or friends found out?" It's true that it wouldn't ruin our lives. It's also true that even in the absence of having face pics up, we're still at risk for being outed involuntarily. In some ways it would be a relief to not be hiding! Now to convince my husband
  6. I'd like to find out how you all feel about sharing face pictures over the internet and if you share them, how you got past discomfort with it. Hubby and I are very guarded about sharing our face pictures. Why? First, we're in professions that make us feel uncomfortable at the thought of being outed. Second, we don't buy the argument that if a friend, family member or someone you work with recognizes your picture on a swingers site, no big deal because they are obviously doing the same thing. We have family members that will look at all kinds of crazy sex stuff on the internet at the same time that they judge those people and their sexuality negatively. They like gawking at the "weirdos" of the world, and we haven't wanted to deal with them finding out that we're "weirdos" too. And we really haven't wanted to deal with any co-workers who might also be judgemental and/or gossiping (!) gawkers. Third, we're worried about picture collectors and fakers stealing and using our pictures--there's just something about letting people we don't know very well own our face pictures that is very scary. On our SLS profile, we each have 2 g/pg-rated pictures in which our faces are blocked out/cut off/not showing. We state in our profile that we don't like to share face pictures, and that we would rather meet in person to find out what everyone looks like. We also describe the type of couples with whom we will *consider* sharing face pictures (i.e., because they sound like a perfect match). Our reasoning is that: (1) It's fun to meet other swingers even when it turns out that we don't feel sexual chemistry for them. You get a chance to learn from their experiences and enjoy their company without sex. While this is not as fun as meeting people you want to fuck, it's valuable and fun to meet people who are cool even if they aren't hot (2) Pictures don't give us a perfect indication of physical attractiveness anyway. Sometimes we meet people who look like our types in their pics but turn out to not be our types in the looks department once we meet in person. And sometimes we've been pleasantly surprised when pictures don't do the couple justice in the looks department. So the problem is...it is such a pain in the ass having this boundary about sharing face pics. So many couples want face pics before considering meeting. So many couples want face pics before they'll even chat. And let me clarify that, for the most part, the people we are dealing with contact us first...which bugs the hell out of me since we state so clearly in our profile that we don't like to share face pics. It's also a pain in the ass because while #1 & 2 above are true, it *would* be nice to see face pictures of the other couples before taking time out to meet with them...but to get face pics, one has to be willing to show face pics. Soooo, we are considering putting a face shot right there on our profile open for all free members to see. One reason I'm considering the idea is that I just realized that you can't just right-click to save the pictures people have posted on SLS...so at least no one will own our face pictures. We might make it a private picture as a first step, but so many cool couples (such as us) are free members and can't see private pictures that it would sort of defeat the purpose. But the idea of putting our faces up there still gives us knots in our stomachs...what do you all think about all this? What conditions do you share face pictures under and how did you get comfortable with it?
  7. Maybe the following will help: 1) 7 inches is an inch-and-a-half above average 2) to have a chance with me, he'd have to agree to only put in 6 inches--IMHO, your husband too big & he's going to slam into my cervix if he thrusts that much in--ouch! 3) G spots are 1-2 inches into the vagina--big dicks, including your husband's 7-inch monstrosity go way past them! 4) size matters, but in the opposite way that the male ego & porn industry seems to project onto us women...to make my case, I'll quote Betty Dodson, sexpert extraordinnaire, from her book _Orgasms for Two_: "Far too many men are overly concerned with the size of their dicks instead of focusing on mastering sexual skills to become great lovers...according to the thousands of women I've talked with, most of them are more interested in what surrounds the penis--the whole man. Getting fucked by a giant, rock-hard cock that shoots a huge load of semen is a man's fantasy of male sexual prowess, not a woman's. While some experts claim a vagina is a collapsed space that will accommodate any size penis, I disagree. My own vaginal barrel is around 6 inches deep, so I have a problem if a man's penis is too big. Then I know it can hurt and I'm unable to relax and move freely. Small doesn't matter that much because even a finger inside my vagina feels good with the right rhythm and movement. Besides, like most women, I can't come from penis/vagina sex, so I'm more interested in what's happening to my clit..." (p. 169-170) ....yeah, what she said! Men, get over your penis size fetish, please!
  8. My husband and I will be going to a club (off-premises) for the first time tomorrow night. We are new to "organized" swinging, but we've had an open relationship for several years. In the swinging advice we've read on-line, there's often a recommendation for a couple to have non-verbal signals to indicate messages such as "I'm attracted to this couple," "I'm not attracted to this couple," "This person is bothering me--come rescue me," etc. Our dorky problem is that we haven't been able to come up with any usable gestures. Thus far, we've only managed to crack each other up by suggesting completely inappropriate gestures as jokes--the crazy gesture (twirling finger around ear), the intercourse gesture (poking finger in circled fingers), the gag me gesture (poking finger in mouth)--you get the idea. We have several questions: Do you have non-verbal signals with your partner? Do you think they're important? What gestures/signals have you used and did they work well?
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