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Compersor

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  1. Not my opinion, Toby, and not my wife's either. We are a bit more tolerant than the average swinger toward men (and women) who go behind their partners backs. Long gone are the days when I used to be much more judgmental. Especially younger people tend to be very intolerant. That's possibly why many swingers are older and more experienced people. We understand that not everybody has the luxury of a partner who has wrestled him(her)self free from the restrictive way of thinking imposed by our generally sex negative society (embodied for instance by time-honored institutions like the Roman-Catholic Mother Church, Walt Disney Studios, Barbara Cartland, Days of our Lives, etc. etc.....). And the urge to have a variety of sex partners is very strong, in both men and women. Swingers should understand that. If you can do it openly with the consent or participation of your partner, that is great. It doesn't come better than that. But if that turns out to be impossible, then that's just the way it is. Why should you sacrifice yourself, why should you be abysmally unhappy for the rest of your married life. Sooner or later it will catch up with you. It is very hard to consistently play the devoted and loving husband, if you are continuously resentful. Been there, done that in my first marriage. It is just not good for you. However I do think you should do everything you possibly can to win your wife over. A lot has been said, on this forum and elsewhere on the Web, on how to go about that. Extramarital sex, with or without your spouse's consent, corresponds to a very real and irrepressable human need. It is funny to see how people have two sets of standards. A (vanilla) sister of my wife's, when watching Oprah's show on swinging, spontaneously exclaimed that she had never heard of such idiocy before. She thought it was profoundly immoral. But I know for a fact that she cheats on her husband (whom she loves very much). If her husband, though, were to even entertain the thought of extracurricular activity himself, all hell would break loose, if ever she were to find out. My wife (whom I love very much) and I are into MFM. We both prefer it. We don't cheat. Everything is out in the open and she can even see other men without me being present. I just want to know who she is with and where, also for her own safety. If she were to cheat on me, and I found out, I would not be terribly upset. But I would ask her not to do it anymore. Mind you, all this doesn't mean that lying and cheating are always ok. No, that is definitely not the case. But sometimes you don't have the choice (the instinct is just too strong). It is not right that a wife should force her husband to live his life entirely according to her rules, no more than the other way around. It is for this reason that my wife and I occasionally - we are very selective - do accept married men who cheat on their wives. We also derive - possibly a false - sense of security - diseasewise - from this. Finally I would like to remark that I never cheat on my wife, nor lie to her. But I can imagine there are situations where it cannot be avoided, which includes cases in which a lie is a lot more merciful and sensible than the cold truth. I think swingers should be just as unjudgmental themselves as they would like vanilla people to be.
  2. Length is not so much what matters. My wife likes a fairly thick penis, that is not too long. Recently she was fucked by a guy who was just too big for her and it is an experience she doesn't wish to repeat. It left her sore after. You should never feel inadequate about the size of your equipment and that of a visiting male. You and your wife have something (a solid marriage if you are ready to swing) that cannot possibly be threatened by a big dick, quite on the contrary, the excitement of the sharing, the complicity and the ensuing increased intimacy between the two of you will only bring you closer together. I love it when my wife can enjoy a man who is more handsome, better hung and better built than me. It doesn't faze me in the slightest.
  3. That is not my primary motivation. My wife enjoys mfm, just like me. Of course there is a selfish aspect to my motivation: the rush that I get when I see my honey enjoying herself. Nothing to do with my getting laid. I don't, coz we don't do couples.
  4. I find this quite amazing. I would be able to give it up if my wife really didn't want to go thru with it. But I would always yearn for it. I just love the fact that my (much younger wife) enjoys men (including me ) and I would hate her to be strictly monogamous. I know now she doesn't want to give it up either. I have told her on more than one occasion that I wanted to throw the towel in the ring, because I thought she might not be enjoying it and I hate making her do anything against her will. But she wouldn't hear of it. She likes her extramarital excursions now.
  5. I would like to thank you guys for your high quality posts. It is very encouraging and enlightening to read other knowledgeable people's views. The ‘reverse psychology” idea is excellent, and yes I had already tried it. It works indeed. After a while she will bring up the subject, because she wants it herself. Just like leftcoastcouple I tend to bring up the subject too much, I guess. And definitely the ‘good girl/bad girl’ thing is a huge factor. We cannot shake off our cultural conditioning a hundred percent. For the benefit of Julie I would like to say that if one is turned on more by a certain event (in this case talking about swinging), then, being turned on less by the non-event (in this case NOT talking about swinging) is a simple and direct consequence of the fact that the event is the opposite of the non-event. Hence, the opposite effect can logically be expected. I showed your post to my wife, who expressed her surprise about it. Julie, read again my reply to NakedInSeattle:
  6. Are you really sure she would make you suffer? Is there no chance she would like it if she actually tried it? Taking little baby steps at first, going slowly, a bit at a time? Conditioning is powerful, but natural instincts can be more powerful.
  7. I don't even mind if the other guy is more handsome, better built, better in bed, better hung, or whatever. On the contrary, I love it when my wife can enjoy some things that I can't offer her. So I don't have to be the best in every respect. And I'd actually love it if she were to tell me these things. I totally agree with your "good girl"/"bad girl" approach. I actually do that all the time. I keep telling how much I appreciate her as she is. How beautiful and sexy she is and how much I respect her, coz she did have some worries in that department initially. Thanks for your nice post.
  8. Jealousy is so irrational. There is no point in trying to understand it. I also thing Spoomonkey made good point.
  9. NakedInSeattle, I think you misunderstand what I meant by ...what I tell her to do". I simply assure her that she doesn't have to try and divide her attention between me and the other guy, because I don't have any exaggerated feelings of jealousy. None actually. I don't tell (order) my wife to do anything. I introduced her to swinging, after discovering it myself, just over two years ago, because I thought it would enrich our (already excellent) marriage. It took a while to convince her to try it, but when she did, she took to it like a fish to water. That is apart from the communication problem I have mentioned in this thread. I have many times asked her whether she is sure she wishes to continue and she is invariably very positive about that. She definitely doesn't want to stop. I always assure her that I would not, in any way, take it out on her or show resentment if she wanted to end our involvement with the SLS. At the end of the day her enjoyment counts for everything. I would not enjoy it in the slightest if I knew she was doing it just to please me, and she knows that.
  10. Thanks for your take, Dave. But I don't believe that is the case. I keep telling her (ad nauseam?) that she never need have any fears on that score. And, indeed, when push comes to shove she doesn't hold back in any way. She devotes herself completely to our guest, as I tell her to do. No feelings of guilt there!
  11. I know exactly how you feel. It is an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t know whether you’re coming or going. I refer you to today ‘s post of mine (General swingers stuff/wife loves doing mfm but is reluctant to talk about it), in which I describe a problem that is similar to yours. That is indeed a big incompatibility. In my case it detracts from the pleasure I derive from our private couplings. I just feel less motivated to have sex. Talking about it, the complicity of it all, really really sharing this experience, the communication, the high level of intimacy that is involved, it is all that which brings you closer together. And it is all the more maddening if your mate enjoys the actual event (as was the case with you and is the case with me). I don’t know what to do about it. Talking doesn’t help in my case. She just avoids the subject. I suppose I am also married to a non-swinger, albeit a swinging one. I have many times asked her if she wants to stop, because her enjoying the experience is an absolute prerequisite. But no, she doesn’t want to stop, she likes doing it and wants to continue. Yeah great, but she will not talk about it with me. And before every encounter – not that often, by the way - she gets quite jittery and tetchy and sometimes bites my head off when I ask her if she doesn’t want to slip into something sexy of wear some nice heels for the occasion. Anyway, read my abovementioned post about that. So, all things being equal, I think I am in much the same boat as you. I wish you and your wife the best of luck and hope you can work out your differences.
  12. Wow, my second problem in a week. As I said in my earlier post my wife and I have been mfm-ing for over a year. I mentioned the fact that she doesn’t care for the idea of my playing with another woman in her presence. What I didn’t mention – always hoping that one day it would get better – is the fact that it is very hard to involve her in any form of communication about the topic of threesomes. She seems to shun the subject. Also when we make love with each other, she doesn’t really like to talk about it, sort of shies away from it. That is a great shame, because talking about these things is a very important part of the communication process between spouses (or partners in general). It raises the level of intimacy (sexual and emotional) considerably. Let’s face it, it is a great aphrodisiac. And every time I try to broach the subject with her –whether during lovemaking or at other times – she will show reluctance to discuss it in any depth. This unfortunately for me is a turn-off. I just don’t feel the same level of arousal as I otherwise would. And that, in turn, has a negative knock-on effect on the frequency and intensity of our lovemaking. I have discussed this problem with her many times. But to no avail. It must be a cultural thing. My wife – who is from the Philippines – was brought up very conservatively. Let me tell you one thing though: once we do get into the sack with one of our gentleman friends, there is no holding her back. She loses all her inhibitions. When she does a guy, she is awesome, sparks fly. In other words, she really enjoys the threesome experience, once it gets underway. So why is she so reticent to talk about it? Any views on this? By the way I tell my wife very frequently how much I love and respect her, which I do.
  13. When wifey and I invite men - there is only 2 or 3 of them at any time - into our bedroom, she loves me being there and watching and participating. I would have no problem at all with her fucking one of our friends without me being present. And, indeed, sometimes I leave the bedroom for a little while so as to enable our visitor to relax a bit and build up a head of steam, so to speak. I suppose I am a bit special. Jealousy is an emotion I haven't felt for many years. As a young man - am in my fifties now, wifey in her thirties - I used to experience jealousy sometimes. But not anymore. I would be very happy for my honey to enjoy sex with a man I know and trust.
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