tmyis

This thread interested me. I am a lurker, but enjoy this community of people. I am impressed by your openness, your level of commitment and your ability to still enjoy sex with other people. I am interested that some people in this group think that swinging alone is risky. Since I don't swing, I would point out that any form of swinging is risky. More risk than my wife would ever consider. For most of you, you have moved to a place in your relationship where swinging as couples no longer feels risky to you. But you must not forget that at one time swinging as a couple was risky and arguably still is risky. Given this, I would have to assume that it isn't really much more risk to swing alone. It is simply a question of where you decide to draw the risk line. For most of you, it is already pretty high. But likewise for most of you, your level of commitment and the security most of you feel in each other's life seems to overcome that. But it did strike me as interesting that swinging alone seems so risky to so many on this board, yet no one has mentioned that any form of swinging is risky.

I have actually given your situation a little more thought and hope you don't mind me sharing something I ran across the other day. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a communication seminar. It suggested that in many situations where communication is tough and discussions are whipping up a bunch of unproductive emotions, communication can often be improved by focusing on two things: feelings and the needs/desires which produce those feelings. For example, let me illustrate by using your situation as an example. You might tell your husband that you feel hurt and sad and that what you need is to feel loved to the exclusion of others and his desire to swing doesn't meet your need. He might respond that he feels frustrated and what he needs is more sexual excitement in his life and he thinks that swinging would satisfy that need. From here one of 3 things might happen. Compromise: Once you each understand each other's feelings and needs, you two might compromise. You might meet some of his needs by agreeing to find some other ways to make your sex more exciting that does not involve other people and that might meet his need. Give in: One of the unique things about being human is that we can actually derive pleasure out of meeting someone else's needs. You might agree to swing and find some satisfaction that you have made your husband happy or he might agree to no change and know that his decision has made you happy and thus derive some satisfaction. Nothing: Finally you may both learn that your needs totally conflict and each of your needs is so important that compromise and giving in don't work. This isn't the outcome we want, but at least we understand where each other is coming from. Sometimes there is an interesting story behind our needs. (I hate to admit that I actually saw an interesting episode on Oprah which dealt with this subject - don't tell anyone I watched Oprah.) I have obviously made my own guess at what each of you feels and needs, but most likely things are far more complicated. If nothing else, this kind of discussion would be enlightening. Good luck.

Wow, what great stuff. I only recently found this board and have never posted before, but I feel compelled to write. I have been married for 7 years. I love my wife. I also think Sportync said something that I have kind of felt for years, but haven't ever really seen with such clarity. I have to agree that it is interesting that the sexuality within a relationship is bounded and controlled by the partner with the lower sex drive. It can make it frustrating for the partner with the greater sex drive. But I can understand why this is. It is probably largely due to our rather puritan society which probably assigns more moral "rightness" in the camp of a totally monogamous relationship. Society tends to treat sex in a less than positive way in my opinion, so again, the person with the lower sex drive draws comfort and strength that they are "right". There are also many good arguments for a monogamous relationship, but that is for another thread. Di - in my case, I do have desires to participate in some form of swinging relationship. I hinted at my desires a few years ago and could tell that my wife had pretty strong feelings to the contrary. That was the end of the conversation and I have not pushed since. That is largely because I love her, respect her, and can tell that this is a battle that I will not win through any type of coercion on my part. And while I can understand your husband's desires I have to wonder if he is like me, or if he really is an unreasonable person. He could be like me. I love my wife but have physical attractions for other women. It is pretty simple. I could have sexual interactions with other people but still quite contentedly cuddle up to my wife at night. I love her for many more reasons than sex. If I felt that I could persuade my wife into some form of adventurous open lifestyle, I would. But I don't think I can so I don't. Perhaps your husband pushes because you are sending mixed signals. I realize that you probably don't think you are sending any, but consider the possibility. The alternative is that he isn't like me. Perhaps he is very clear about your limits and he continues to push. If this is the case, then I have to agree with everyone else. Your husband suffers from a lack of sensitivity and doesn't possess the level of respect required for a healthy marriage. Counseling would be in order. As for all who have posted on this thread, I am impressed by your responses and openness.