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3rdtimesacharm

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  • Content Count

    12
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15 Good

About 3rdtimesacharm

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 01/31/1961

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    m.female
  • Location
    sacramento
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. I know that I did force his desires into hiding, and I was not completely candid about my true feelings and fears. He has a hard time talking about this when we are not having sex. Thanks for the tip about MM contact and clubs - there is so much to learn here. Part of what I have figured out is that we are in a subcategory for which there is not a lot of information or support. I was not sure who I could or should talk to - not my family or his, even my bi friend was out of the question because he has become our friend and I don't want him thinking he has to take sides at all. So, when faced with your partners interest in other men, did you feel like I do now, like why am I not enough for you?
  2. Thank You for your post and your empathy. I agree that I should not participate in this lifestyle without believing it is the right thing for me - and at this point I do not. I think I understand it a lot better today than I ever have, but from my point of view in this relationship I was not even close to needing extra sex partners to enliven my sex life - I agree that his dishonesty is a big deal, but not a deal breaker. I have been through infidelity before, and when people ask for my advice that's what I tell them. In retrospect, I have ended relationships because I was not able to forgive cheating when the person was sorry and asked for my forgiveness. I don't feel the need to give ultimatums, tho I am putting myself in a financial and emotional state of readiness in case this episode repeats itself. Strangely, your idea of a Hall Pass with strict rules may be the most immediately workable solution to his strong desires and my current feelings. I still have to work on my apparently irrational belief that I should be enough for him -
  3. I am actually putting things in place to make leaving a realistic option - like going back to work full time. I really hated the way I reacted to this - and I realized that my total and utter dependence on him is actually harmful for our relationship. When we met I was a career woman with a serious job and my own possessions - now I work sporadically and not even my car is in my exclusive title. Big mistake, one I will not make again.
  4. A very close sibling of mine is gay and my closest friend is bisexual - so no I don't have a problem with his being bisexual, but I have a problem with infidelity. I think he has more of a problem with this than I do - he works in construction, loves to fish and shoot things and all his friends consider him a real man's man (which has a certain new irony to it now). So given that, his only way to explore his sexuality either us separating so he can figure this out on his own, or me giving him a "hall pass" as another poster suggested, or us swinging together. Clearly, sweeping it under the rug has not worked - that was my fault. Given those alternatives I think I would prefer to stay and figure things out with him. I realized the other morning before I had confronted him with my knowledge of his secret emails and ads that our relationship is much more than the two of us in bed together - we are friends, have known each other for a long time, and we rely on each other for many things. But to answer your question, if he had told me about this in no uncertain terms when we were first dating, I probably would have broken things off - I woudl have tole myself that regardless of my feelings for him the situation was just too complicated. So there you have it -
  5. That is where I am at, trying to come to terms with the fact that my husband is bisexual - which is something I think I can live with, but deceit and infidelity are not things I choose to live with. And I am trying to imagine our life ahead - do I tag along on his MM encounters? What am I then, a den mother, referee, coach? Do I give him a Hall Pass and hope that he and his partner stay healthy and safe? I have seen situations where a couple stays married and they actually take in a boarder who is the husbands sex partner - it does eliminate the hooking up issue but I can'y imagine being ok with that scenario. Not to mention what to tell the family about the "tenant" - and I am pretty certain at this point that my husband is not even contemplating coming out to his friends and family. Which really eliminates a lot of my support system, and so makes all of the advice I get here even that more valuable -
  6. New to this scene, remarried for 4 years to the man of my dreams - the best lover I have ever had, very knowledgeable, sensual and will do just about anything to please me - he is into anal and so am I and I have so enjoyed playing with him - he has introduced me to so many other new things. Years ago (with my ex) I had a disastrous threesome with a former friend, and my take-away from that was that some things are just better left a fantasy. So I fantasize about lesbian sex but truly have no desire to act on it. I sometimes share these fantasies with him but not so much lately (more on that later). He fantasizes about being the "bottom" in a MM sexual encounter and is obsessed with finding a FMM experience (for himself, not me). Last week I found out he was posting and replying to CL ads for casual sex looking for the other M for his fantasy. I was devastated - not that he was interested in men, obviously, because he has shared that with me (tho after we were married:() but because of the deception. He is taking the steps to make his fantasy a reality and I am in the dark. For more than a year he has been bringing up going to a local swing club, and I have brought up all the reasons why I am really not that interested - we are older, not Ken and Barbie, the scene at the club seems younger, there was a violent incident there not long ago, and really, the bottom line (no pun intended) is that for right now, I really don't want to have sex with anyone but him. Before you'll go thinking I am a prude or conservative let me assure you I am not - I am a live and let live sort - I do not judge others - I have some fairly kinky desires but they happen to revolve around him, period. For instance, before I met him I was always hoping I would find someone who would enjoy letting me play with his butt, because that is a real turn on for me - so like I said he IS the man of my dreams, quite literally. However, the thought of someone else touching me sexually is a real turn off for me. And I am no kid - I know who I am - like Jessica Rabbit said "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" LOL I have shared ALL of this with him, multiple times. He has told me he only wants to have this MM experience if I am with him - but my rule is if you want to really know a person, forget all their words and just look at their deeds. When you apply that rule here you can see my dilemma. The thought of a FMM encounter leaves me tepid, at best - and at worst it scares me - what if he decides that this is really his sexual orientation? We have friends who "came out" in middle age, left their families and started over. All of which I pointed out to him when I told him I had seen his emails. His position is that he has done nothing wrong, that my disinterest left him no other choice. He feels I have criticized him for having these feelings, but when I ask him when and how, he cannot remember. I never meant to make him feel bad for sharing with me, but before this I always felt that we were a team - that we had each others backs, and that we would work our way through this together. I certainly wasn't going to deny him this pleasure he wants so badly, but it was how to go about it and when that was hanging me up. This past year has been a very tough one for me for other reasons, so admittedly I put this situation on the back burner. I can see now that this is going to happen, with or without my consent or participation. It may already have happened - I cannot really trust his word right now - he is so obsessed I think his judgment might be impaired. I have already found many answers here - like why do people swing? (sex, intimacy, excitement, relief from monotony) How do they keep their relationships solid? (communication, rules, boundaries, trust) What is fidelity? is it physical, emotional, both? What constitutes sex? (jury is still out on that one). I have learned many new terms and acronyms:). I have also seen how over-eager pushy partners shoot themselves in the foot by thinking only of what they want and need, and not what their partner is really truly ready for. And I have seen people get into this lifestyle for all the wrong reasons - trying to please their partner, fear of loss, ambivalence, boredom, and using it as an escape from a relationship that is flawed and unhappy. So, I am working my way through the deceit - getting tested for STD's tomorrow, reminding myself to be scrupulous with my words, to not make assumptions. I have asked him, as a stop gap measure, to please BCC me on all future CL communications, he agreed but again I have little confidence in his truthfulness right now. I figured then I could at least not feel like a cuckold spouse, and who knows, maybe he will find the perfect, DDF, NSA man to initiate him. Still not sure where that leaves me - whether I would want to be there or not, participate or not. Some questions for the forum: Have you ever gone into a swing scenario with this degree of trepidation I describe, and found that you actually enjoyed yourself? Have any of the women out there been through this particular FMM situation, and can they offer additional information? I make this gender specific, because I know full well that in reverse, you guys cannot feel my pain ("yeah, my wife is totally obsessed with hooking up with another chick on CL so she can experience lesbian sex, she insists that I be there" - righhhhtttt). Any other examples of rules and boundaries that you experienced swingers use? How do you enforce them? My sweet man is hurt and vulnerable about all of this, and I do not want to make him feel any worse, but I kind of need some extra assurances that there will be no more secrets. Ideas? How do you rebuild trust after something like this? At this point, with the direction things have taken, I almost think that I should go with him to a swing club or encourage him to find a M to pre-empt another episode of quasi-infidelity - is that a totally crazy idea?
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