Hello everyone, I've been poking around for a bit and have read some great advice.
I read this thread: Erection Problems, Emotional Issues, Help!
and it helped knowing I'm not the only one.
But I wanted to start my own with a similar situation and hopefully some more personalized advice. An excerpt from the above thread that I strongly identified with:
"So... we left last night on two different planes... me so very content and just overall excited about the whole thing... and he embarrassed, again feeling left out (not because of them, but because of not being able to participate more)... and with feeling left out a little jealousy. The jealousy part was more about my total enjoyment, and he getting just about nothing from the whole experience... as well as feeling like the other two were really doing a lot for me, and he couldn't do much of anything for anyone."
So on to our story. We have been talking about swinging for over a year. We often talked about other people during sex, and mentally the thought of another man pleasuring my lover (were not married and don't really believe in the idea) really turned me on.
We finally met a couple that we both felt comfortable with after a very nice dinner with a few drinks. We went home and both agreed we felt good about them and we both felt ready for the experience. The next weekend they invited us over to shoot some pool and see if things clicked and it went any further.
After we got over our nerves and things got started I was unable to get an erection. The male in the other couple has been swinging for several years and had no problems. This made me feel a bit inadequate, and because of that I wasn't able to enjoy the night at all. At the end of the night I was pretty upset.
Upon reflection I don't think I was actually jealous of him but more so jealous that everyone in the room was having fun and I couldn't even get the poor boy to rise to attention. And I never have that problem in any other scenario. Honestly by the end of the night I felt pretty down.
While trying to work through what I was feeling this is part of what I wrote:
1. I was jealous you were able to have fun and I wasn't.
Rationally - this is obviously absurd. I can't blame you for being able to have fun while I wasn't. That is like being mad at someone for being able to enjoy a food that I don't. Or you being mad at me for being able to process protein. It sucks, but it isn't my fault you have PKU and it isn't your fault I wasn't able to just get lost in the moment and have fun.
2. I felt abandoned when you didn't finish getting me hard so I could have fun.
Rationally - It was a complex situation with various stimulation coming from many different directions. You obviously were not thinking clearly because you were able to get lost in the moment. It is one of the things I love about you in bed, how you just get totally lost in the sex and the world disappears. I can't blame you for losing your train of thought and being so overstimulated you forgot about helping me get hard.
3. I felt left out.
Rationally - No one intended for me to feel left out. My inability to get an erection made me less aggressive. Because I felt inadequate at the moment I felt like I was outside the full circle of fun that the three of you were lost in. This ties in with the first point. I felt left out because you were receiving pleasure and I honestly wasn't, I was only giving it. Actually everyone was was giving and receiving pleasure and I was only giving it. Again this isn't anyone's fault.
So the overwhelming opinion (from the other thread I read) seems to be that Viagra is the best choice to get a male over the hump of performance anxiety the first few times. I'm only 28... will my doc give me Viagra? Do I have to lie about having problems regularly or just ask?
My questions is more focused on the feelings of jealousy afterword. I honestly feel that if I had gotten an erection and hadn't been so consumed with feeling inadequate I would have gotten lost in the fun as well. I was only jealous of him because he was performing well and I wasn't. But the damage is done and I have to admit, while writing things down and thinking about the core of why I felt jealous and angry helped, I am still having issues processing it all. So did any of you have issues like these in the beginning? What helped? What hurt?
