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EnjoyingLife

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EnjoyingLife last won the day on March 6 2012

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About EnjoyingLife

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  • Birthday 08/25/1969

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  1. I just wanted to wish you all the best. I'm impressed with how honest you have all been and how open your communication has been. I'm in a similar but also slightly different relationship. We started out 2 years ago with the intention of swinging but "fell for" each other (all 4 of us) and are now in a 4-way relationship that can only be described as poly (I don't really care for labels though). The NRE was really intense for a time. Really intense! But once that started to fade, what was left was something real and lasting. My life is richer for it and I wouldn't change anything. If anything, I only love my husband more and now I have two more people in my life to love. Life is good :0) Keep communicating! It can work. Keep us updated.
  2. We watched the first season last year when it was on. It was really pretty realistic we thought. The newbies really were newbies and had many of the same anxieties and concerns that most newbies have. The experiences ranged from voyeurism/exhibitionism, to soft swinging, to full swapping...sometimes many couples all together in a big play room and sometimes just two couples together. As newbies ourselves last year, we actually learned a lot from watching and listening to the rules the newbies set as well as the conversation between the more experienced couples with the newbies...and then from seeing how the newbies handled the experience the next day. Some decided to continue swinging and some chose not to. We watched the first episode of the new season last night. Ooohhh...boy. It was a train wreck with a couple running headfirst into it without any rules or limits, poor communication through the night, disrespect of feelings when the male half started having problems, and then he ended up storming out in the middle of the night with lots of tears and drama. It was hard to watch, but lots of discussion between my husband and I after about what we had seen and how we can avoid scenarios like that ourselves. We'd been thinking of cancelling the Playboy channel, but I think we'll keep it for a few more months and finish out the season.
  3. This year we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We've been a couple for a total of 29 years. We started swinging about a year and a half ago, and as I posted in other places on this forum, for the past year (almost) we've been swinging exclusively with one couple. Not poly (on which the emphasis, as I understand it, is on developing multiple committed, loving relationships). Not an open marriage (since we always get together as a quad, never as separate couples). But by strict definition of the term, not really swinging either since we have become best friends with the other couple (so yes, emotions are involved). We call it friends with benefits. I think I tend to think of non-monogamy as being on a spectrum, with "hard core" poly on one end and "hard core" swinging on the other, with our "friends with benefits" relationships somewhere in the the middle. I'm similar to km34 in that having sex with a stranger would be scary to me. I simply couldn't and wouldn't. From my perspective, at that of my husband and our friends, we are getting all the benefits of recreational sex and all the excitement of swinging, but without the risks of swinging with strangers. My relationship with my husband is very strong. It has not always been easy and yes it has taken lots of work and lots of commitment. But it is very strong. And I can honestly say that this past year has made it even stronger in that we communicate far more openly and honestly than we ever have before. Our friends' marriage and relationships is very different from ours, but equally strong in their own way. My husband and I throughout this past year have made a continuous effort to always reconnect with each other after being with our friends and to make sure we still set aside time to nurture our own relationship. Recently we realized that we had been spending so much time with our friends that we hadn't had much time to ourselves, so we've made a commitment to have a "date night" - just the two of us, once each week - and that "date" will take priority over anything else going on. We see our friends doing similar things in their own relationship. Could the relationship between our "quad" end? Sure it could. And it makes me very sad to think of it ending. We care a great deal for our friends and they truly have become our closest and dearest friends. But, because we are each committed to our individual marriages as well, I don't see how our relationship threatens our marriages at all. So, to answer the original question, I don't believe our "modern version of non-monogamy" increases the chances of our relationship failing. But I also think our commitment to our vows are probably stronger than the general population. Even through the hardest and most stressful parts of our marriage, divorce was never an option for us. I'm married to the man I plan to grow old with and be with "until death do us part." However, for couples that did not have this level of commitment, I could definitely see the potential of a relationship like we have with our friends causing some serious drama and problems. But I think the same would be true of a couple engaging in any type of non-monogamy on any part of the spectrum. For it to work the foundational relationship must be strong to begin with. Just my two cents.
  4. Last weekend our friends returned some items of ours they had been left with from previous visits. My lace panties and a casserole dish. We all had a good laugh about how the two items symbolized the uncommon relationship between the four of us and our two households.
  5. We have only ever full-swapped with one couple and them with us, exclusively. And we'd all been monogamous for many years prior. We've chosen not to use condoms and are happy and confident with that decision. We trust our friends to be safe and not put us at risk, and they trust us. My husband has said that he absolutely does not ever want to have to use a condom. He says they ruin sex for him. On the other hand he has said that he is not willing to accept the risks of unprotected sex with a partner he isn't sure about. I agree 110% with him on both points. For those reasons, if we ever do full-swap with another couple, like Alura said, it would have to be with a married couple that we knew had little or no outside exposure, similar to what we have with our current friends. Oh, and my husband had a vascectomy and I have a medical reasons that make it highly unlikely I would ever conceive and if I did, impossible for me to carry to term. But when we are with our friends I still use VCF (spermicide) just to be extra safe.
  6. My hubby and I are in our 40s. We both look younger. Especially me. Much younger. And we've been approached to play with younger couples (early 20s) as well as older couples (mid 60s) and have declined both. If the chemistry and connection is there we'd consider the older couple, but the idea of playing with couples our child's age just turns us both off. It just seems creepy somehow. Our daughter is your age and we met some friends of hers at a club last year. It totally freaked us both out. We socialize with younger couples at the clubs (including our daughter's friends now that we've talked with them about the absolute need for discretion and got over the initial shock of seeing them there)...dance with them, laugh, whatever...but that is as far as it goes for us.
  7. My best advice is to take is slooooowww. Baby steps! There is no need to rush into anything. If you go back and read some of my old posts you'll see that my husband has also dealt with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Now, about a year into our journey he experiences only the occasional mild twinges of jealousy. This is because we talk, talk, talk and constantly reassure each other of our love for each other. We also agreed to take things very slow, first just watching/being watched, then some minor soft swinging, then adding oral into our soft swinging, and then finally full swapping. But even that wasn't a smooth path. When something would make him uncomfortable, there were times when we would take a step or two back and only proceed if and when we were ready. Today we have a couple that we swing with regularly and they have become two of the closest friends we've ever had. We had an incredible marriage to begin with, but now it is stronger and more open than I ever thought possible. We're very happy and not looking back. But here is the important thing...I knew from our very first experience that I was going to REALLY enjoy swinging. I completely understand your wife's desire to live it up while she is still young enough to enjoy it. But I never lost sight of the fact that we were doing this as a couple. If at any time my husband told me that he didn't want to proceed--that his jealous feelings were too hard to overcome, for example--I would have stopped immediately. He and our relationship are far too important to me to put him through that. What I'm saying is DON'T just do it for your wife. If you proceed, do it because it is what you really want to do. And if at any point it becomes uncomfortable for you, stop and reassess. One other word of advice...our very first real exposure to swinging was when we went to a resort that caters to people in the lifestyle. We didn't swing when we were there. We just observed, talked to a lot of people, and by the end of the week felt comfortable enough to have sex in one of the public areas. I actually think this was the perfect introduction as it got us both used to the idea, but there was never any pressure on us to do more than we were comfortable doing. While going to a resort might not work for you, your idea of going to a club might be a good idea. But when you go, don't go with any expectations of playing that night. Just go with plans to dance, talk with other couples, observe, and learn. If all goes well and you enjoy it, make plans to go a second time. Baby steps... Good luck!
  8. I read this thread back a couple weeks ago and it has actually been on on my mind ever since. I can completely relate with what DigginIt calls "bridging between couples" and the deep friendships that can form between couples that swing together. And whenever you have a deep friendship, whether it is in a swinging context or vanilla context, emotions and caring come into play. If you didn't care about them how could you claim to have a friendship with them? There is a big difference between romantic love and the "love" or caring that most people have for their closest friends. But still, regardless of the nature of the relationship, if the friendship was real it is going to sting when it breaks up. We are in the thick of a relationship like this right now with another couple and it can be really intense at times. We talk to them nearly every day, we see each other socially, we get together and spend time with each others children/vanilla friends, and every 3 or 4 weeks we manage a "play" night for just the 4 of us. This has been going on for about 6 months now. We each have very strong marriages, but the sexual chemistry when we swap is intense and the friendships outside of the swinging are real. My husband and I have talked about it extensively. We don't know how others would label it, but we've just come to understand it as swinging using the FWB model. We know it isn't the way most swingers do things, but it works for us. Still, I find myself worrying sometimes about how it will end. The only reason this works for us is because all 4 of us want it and it works for all of us. But all it will take will be 1 of the 4 of us to lose interest and then what? It seems inevitable that some of us will get hurt. But I guess that's a risk we've agreed to accept. Anyway, in response to the OP, I think you just have to decide what is right for you and your wife. There is no right or wrong way to swing. You just have to do what is right for you and if that means you don't want to form friendships or emotional ties then just don't do it.
  9. Thanks for the advice. I've recently started seeing a new gynecologist rather than the GP I'd been seeing for XX years. I'm not sure I've had enough interaction with her yet to be that comfortable. But I have an appointment coming up in a few weeks and will have a talk with her about what and how things get written in my file, how things get coded for insurance, and how/under what circumstances medical records could be disclosed to third parties. I'll make a decision based on that conversation whether to trust her or whether I should start searching for a new doctor that I do trust. Maybe I'm being overly cautious but I had an issue with the way in which my GP described something in my medical records that almost caused me a problem when I was buying new life insurance last year. It just made me far more conscious that what I say to a doctor 1) doesn't always stay as private as I thought it would and 2) might get interpreted and recorded in your file in a way that was actually very different from the reality of the situation.
  10. Assuming that we are up front and honest with our doctor, should we be worried that they might write something about our activities in our medical file(s) that could cause a problem later? (e.g., when you try to buy life insurance they access your medical records) I want to be honest with my doctor, but I do NOT want a written record of what I talk to her about when it comes to multiple partners...
  11. Appreciate the advice, Just Passing By. We think we'll approach the future with this couple just as we had been before...no expectations...just see where things take us. My hubby and I have a very strong relationship. I'm sure we'll make more mistakes along the way, but I'm confident that we'll learn and grow from them rather than letting them harm our relationship. We do feel we're over a hurdle, though, and one that didn't end up being anywhere near as difficult for us as we thought it might be. I do think you are absolutely correct that that we are walking a very fine and somewhat shifting line. But I'm not quite sure what to say about that beyond that we are aware of it and keeping a close eye on it.
  12. As a quick update, we've all talked, we all recognize our mistakes (we all made them), we've definitely learned from them, and we are moving forward probably much stronger friends for the experience. We've faced some challenging situations since entering the lifestyle and honest communication has been the solution to all of them. This was no exception. I appreciate you all putting up with me as I worked through it. As an update to the original reason for this thread, we're through the transition and my husband is now looking forward to the next time. It was a rocky start, but I think we made a real breakthrough. Thanks again.
  13. Your posts and concerns sound a lot like my husband. We've only been swinging for about a year...just soft swinging until this past weekend when we experienced our first full swap. My husband really struggled with it at first. But a few months ago we met a couple that has become really good friends and we are very comfortable with them. The full swap was a big hurdle though. We don't quite know what to name it. Jealous? Possessive? Territorial? Whatever it was he was having a tough time with the idea of taking that one last step. Full swapping was new to all of us and we messed it up in a lot of ways (long story). But now that it is over, his issues seem to be going away. As far as I can tell, no jealousy at all and I think he is even looking forward to the next time we see them. Anyway, it is the couple that made the difference for us. If you decide to proceed, take your time and find the right guy or couple. You could also take baby steps like we did. Just a little bit the first time, a little more the next, etc.
  14. Fair enough, Tom. You're right. And that just hit me upside the head with a "duh" moment. We never discussed that before and it's possible we had different expectations for the relationship. I really don't think so. But maybe we should have talked about that before, all four of us together. The friendship between us came on pretty quickly and took us all by surprise. I thought we'd been doing a good job of balancing the two sides to our relationship, and that we're all on the same page, but if even one of the four of us had a slightly different idea it could throw the whole relationship off balance. I definitely sympathize with your playmate. That's me for sure. I just want the big picture. No details, please. I'm actually starting to feel much, much better about it all now and the anger is going away. I'm beginning to realize that they both just had way too much to drink and probably were not at all aware that the way they were acting after was affecting me the way it was or even that it looked the way it did. I know neither one of them would do anything intentional to hurt me. It is probably time to let this go and talk to her.
  15. Thanks for the support. It's good for me to hear others think it was a messed up first experience too because I wasn't sure if I was blowing it out of proportion. I guess this is why so many warn against becoming friends with the people you swing with. It can definitely get messy and emotional. If anyone else pushed my buttons like this and made me feel as bad as I've felt the last couple of days I would be so done with them. But these are our friends and at even the thought of that I miss them. So I really want to get past it. I'm still so angry and hurt, though. She lived out her fantasy at my expense. That pisses me off. But it is the intimacy I saw that is the hardest part. My husband was oblivious to it and says it wasn't like that at all. But I know what I saw. I could be wrong, but as women I think we are wired to try and establish emotional bonds with the men we have sex with. To be able to swing successfully I think you have to recognize it if you start to do it and turn it off. I've struggled with it myself and we've definitely complicated things by being friends. I think we all genuinely care about each other. But still, there is this fine line and she crossed it. If I had just had sex with her husband and she came in and found us wrapped around each other deep in conversation I doubt she would be too happy about it either. I had seen her "infatuation" with my husband (prior to this night) and I knew how bad she wanted him and I was okay with it. I even encouraged it. I wanted the swap to happen too. But not like that. It's no excuse, but I can rationalize it somewhat by the fact that the two of them had both had too much to drink. So their judgment was impaired and her guard was down. But I still need to know that she recognizes this and it will never happen again. As far as the same room/separate room comments go, I suspect Gordo is right that it is a way for my husband to control the experience somewhat. Though since this is still new to us and he's the more hesitant of the two of us (at least until this past Friday night!!) it's understandable. After every experience it never fails that he finds something to criticize about something I did or didn't do that night. Whether it is a particular way I kissed or a position he'd never seen me in before or that I didn't come back to him quickly enough when he wanted me or that I didn't realize that him touching my foot meant he wanted my attention and wasn't just that he was touching my foot, etc. I've tried to be sensitive to it because I realize where it is coming from and it has become far less of a problem as he's become more comfortable with what we are doing. But as a result I have become hyper-aware of him at all times and constantly check my behavior because I'm not sure what will be upsetting to him. What a relief it was to just let go of that the other night. For my part, if anyone had actually consulted me I probably would have given consent for separate rooms. But I would have made damn sure I wasn't anywhere I could hear what was going on and I would have made it clear I would tell my husband anything he wanted to know (he likes to hear the details) although I would NOT want details. If I had actually been there when it happened I know I would have recognized it for what it was--just fucking, nothing more and nothing less. But because I wasn't and he took it upon himself to "come clean" and tell me a few parts of the night, now my imagination is playing games with me. I have these images in my head that I know aren't reality, but they are there and I'm having a really hard time shutting them off. Thanks for "listening." I have a busy, stressful work day ahead and it helps to get this out of my head and onto the computer screen so I can stop thinking about it so much.
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