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Lovers6770

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About Lovers6770

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  1. Hi Ashley, I don't wish to extend this thread any longer than you wished in order to get some feeback as you asked, especially since you have already said that you have made up your mind. But, if you're willing to get another 2 cents worth of insight/feedback from a different perspective than I have read thus far, then please read my comments (w/history) below. I suspect I may take some heat for a couple of my comments but I don't mind. History: Kalin & I are in a similar, but reverse yet slightly different situation. Reversed: I'm like you these days. Kalin & I enjoy swinging, but we each find different things in the people we meet of interest to us on both a sexual and nonsexual nature and a couple she finds interesting may not be of much intersted to me and vice-versa. My "opening up" lately has me interested in experiencing encounters that meet more of my interests & desires and wanting to start exploring FMF encounters and increased sexual frequency/satisfaction either just the two of us or with others. Similar: We do the MFM thing from time to time with one single guy we met through a club outing and enjoy the time we spend together with him. I enjoy seeing her enjoy herself. Different: We started in on the MFM without the need for "tit-for-tat" encounters. We are married going on 10 yrs and have been swinging 3+ yrs. Comments/observations: First "Swinging" implies "shared" activities. I don't wish to pass judgement on behaviors here just to set the record straight on terminology. This sharing can take may forms, but ultimately one way or another it needs to connect back with your primary partner in a way you both agree is acceptible. What ever you wish to do is fine by me as long as your true to yourself. Others may not share this sentiment however. While in general we find most "stable" swing relationships to be "long-term married 30&40 somethings in the lifestyle together for a few years", we have seen our share of these "LTRs" die/or nearly so in the early swing stages. The duration of relationship/marriage seems to be far less of a determining factor than the duration/extend of swing encounters they have experienced TOGETHER. i.e. recent relationship w/ intense/numerous encounters = 25+yrs married soulmates having played from day one only occasionally through the years. Same but reversed goes as well i.e. 25+ married but new/recent swingers = experienced swingers in a new relationship tend to be just as rocky in swinging difficulties. A second factor is communication/conflict resolution styles. different is a problem/similar is best. This is independent of what style that is i.e. avoiders or head-on. Good communication skills definately helps, but this should not be confused with style issues. I also found you seeming to say/imply that you were "having thoughts of playing separate" even though you would not "do it" per se without him (L / bf). Don't let "others pressure you" into a more "defendable" space. The fact that you have "kinda been hiding" the current situation from L thus far shows that you are having "mixed feelings" about you desires/actions to date. It is understandable that some people look to avoid conflict if possible over a "non-event", but don't let it get out of control i.e. lying/active concealment. I think this is something you already figured out by the thread title you chose and maybe just need a little reassurance to do what you already know to be the right thing to do. Jealousy is a typical protective reaction in many people as a natural byproduct of intense love when threatened by an uncontrolled factor, however, it can also be the byproduct of a controlling or needy relationship. Anybody that does not feel some minimal jealousy at times should question their true feelings for the other person they say they love. The key is how one feels "after" the impluse behavior passes. If its still there then its time for action/talk to resolve the underlying reasons. I don't buy into the notion that woman are any different than men when it come to sexual desire. Both have been shown to have equal behavior tendencies to seek-out sexual encounters with more than one person during their sexually active life cycle. The notion of us being strictly monogamous is counter to our biology and it is only by means of strong environmental & social influence that we "settle-in" on that form of behavior. I do believe that these influences have structured a situation in general that tends to reward females to adopt a "game strategy" that focuses them torwards connecting "emotional connectedness" and "sexual interaction", but I argue that this is not biological in nature. So absent of this pressure a female will "seek-out" sex without alternate reasons beyond the basic satisfaction of the encounter when permitted. You already have prior evidence and communication from L that separate play is OK at times and that he likes to watch you have sex. He just wants some limits or ability to say no when he feels uncomfortable. This is perfectly normal/reasonable on his & your part for that matter. I do feel that there are some other issues in the relationship that likely could use some improvement/strengthening, but I don't think that it automatically precludes continuing to enjoy lifestyle activities together. You and he are the best judges of the state of your feelings for each other which is the critical factor in that decision. Ashley, you have the right to live YOUR sex life as YOU desire, married, commited, open or what ever other conditions that exist. You have to, at ALL times, do what is BEST OVERALL for YOU. Anything less would be unfair to yourself, but the keyword is OVERALL and not to let any ONE factor control you but for YOU to control IT. OK anybody that would like to debate any of the comments lets start another thread on the particular issues. Sincerely, Paul & Kalin
  2. This certainly sounds like an "ignorance is bliss" scenario to me. My heart goes out to you in hopes that you can once again feel happy and content in your relationship with your husband. Based on your comments it seems as though several things may be behind your difficulties. I wish I could offer up a few magical suggestions that would solve your dilema, but allas all I can do is recommend that you and your husband try as best possible to talk your way through what sounds like some rather serious issues that appear to be developing between the two of you. I would suggest that a professionals help might actually serve you both best in this situation. I'll leave you with one of the most simplistic yet most powerful things I have ever learned in my life along with an interesting piece of trivia to contemplate about the human mind that I have carried around with me all my life. How you feel is how you think you feel ... so keep telling yourself you feel happy & content and you will be. 1nW (nano-watt 1/1,000,000,000 watt) is all it takes to change your mind ... and your life around. To put into perspective how little effort that is, a common light blub uses 100W. With only that little bit of power you could change the minds of every man, woman and child in the world. So give it a try! Starting with person #1 (yourself). Sincerely, Paul & Kalin
  3. It is good to see people have interest in topics like this. I find it really gets the "gray matter" working. LOL. To answer any curiosity about if the question is a roundabout one or not. The answer is no it isn't. While my personal opinion is still up for grabs about the true "health" of this kind of activity. Kalin & I already know that this is not a likely state for us to gravitate towards since we both enjoy too much the opportunity to watch each other in action. We have talked about the subject in determining where the "limits" should be for us and figured out that while I think I could deal with it in her she could likely not with me. We have met three couples that do/did have an open marriage. Last we checked one was still doing so successfully, another stopped abruptly just short of a breakup a couple months after we met them, and the third is a rather interesting case study in and of itself. The first are happily married and both have very open minds and free-sprinted egos with lots of sex drive. Each knows what they want in life and are will to allow each other the freedom to explore and express themselves as they desire. They each continue to remain committed to each other and love & care for one another and have a great sex life together and separately. i.e. the model "open marriage" couple. The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substantially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I suspect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it. The third are a husband and wife that are remaining married in the technical sense and living under the same roof for the sake of their two small children which they both love and adore, but for all intensive purposes they are each living separate lives. So in essence their relationship doesn't really constitute an "open marriage" since they are "uncommitted" to the relationship per se. What have you seen or experienced? Curious minds want to know? Sincerely, Paul & Kalin
  4. I would like to hear people's ideas/comments/experiences on the subject of "married" (unmarried, but LTR committed counts) couples that "decide" (no cheating spouses here) to have/try the "open marriage" concept. This should include ALL types of sexual preferences and combinations be it 1 on 1, threesome, group/orgy, gangbang, same sex, mixed sexes, etc. Don't count "cyber/penpal" only direct encounters. I define an "open marriage" as when: One or both "spouses" are "free" to have "casual" (not considering "poly" relationships here - future thread) sexual interactions (not just sex & includes fetish encounters) with partners they: Individually choose (i.e. not mutually chosen) OR Choose jointly, but decide individually when. (I don't count "occasional" times when one "spouse" decides to "opt-out" of playing but "let's" their spouse still play. Key word here is "occasionally". Suggestions of areas to include in your posts are: Break this out into voyeur and non-voyeur non-playing "spouses" as a voyeur spouse has "some vested interest in the activities. Please make a distinction between playing "solo" and "mutual separate nights out" be it concurrent or alternate days (i.e. couples with children where one watches with the kids or without but doesn't play the same day). I would also like to make a distinction between: "swinging" couples that "occasionally" play either in separate rooms with unrelated partners or have a "yearly" solo sexual encounters AND couples that make a regular occurrence (over an extended period of time) in addition to sex just the two of them. Don't count a "yearly week long fling" i.e. (couples that have an annual sexual vacation apart at Hedo for example). Please make a distinction between couples that have one or both spouses that are "professionals" (i.e. sexual interactions are part of their livelihood (i.e. strippers/porn/prostitutes) and non-pros (all others). Sincerely, Paul & Kalin
  5. Sort of the same thing here. While I may start out more interested to interact/flirt. My wife almost always is the one to have sex first. Both in terms of number of meetings and during a get together. And no just because she (or I) full swaps with one of the partners doesn't automatically mean that we both do. Each plays at our own pace. She just seems to enjoy a good fuck more than the foreplay. Once she's wet she jumps in/on full force. LOL Paul & Kalin
  6. We don't use secret signals to deal with this. We keep it simple & direct. If either of us feels like its not a match we simply let the other couple know that we don't feel a connection. Even if one of us wants to "fuck their brains out" LOL! It doesn't matter. One NO is all it takes to cancel the deal! If the feeling is mutually neutral we just don't flirt or make any advances torwards the other couple and the conversation stays tame and social and we discuss any future action together in private later that evening before leaving for the night to go home about exchanging contact info or setting up another meeting with them. If either of us feels highly interested and wants to take things further at that instance, then we simply excuss ourselves for a moment and have a brief discussion in private. If we both agree then we'll come back and start both showing our interest in the other couples parnters and actively flirting and such otherwise we just continue as we were and ask them if they would like to exchange contact info. Most people aren't put off by our need for a moment of private discussion. This all assumes that this is a first-contact or similar situation. In other situations/non-first-contacts, sometimes all it takes is a quick eye contact and a nod with a smile if we are already at or into the firting stage to "check-in" about if it OK to take it further. If for some reason one of us seems to be getting out ahead of where the other feels comfortable we just briefly interrupt each other and/or wisper a quick comment to each other and shift gears. People seem to understand and respect this. Paul & Kalin
  7. Hi, Great posts everybody. Now that you mention it I think I have seen one or two of these commercials once or twice. Commercials have always been written with as much sexual innuendo as they can get away with without offending their target audience. 'Cause sex sells. A variation on this topic that I just recently watched on TV was about how other cultures view/judge Americans through the TV we produce and watch. I found it amusing that the general consensus of people interviewed in India though we Americans were far too publicly sexual in our behavior and attitudes. Since from my understanding many Americans consider the Indian (not American Indian) culture to be wrapped in sexual mystic. Many other Arab & East Asian cultures share similar viewpoints. One interesting aspect of this that came out though was that they actually enjoy, quite a bit, many of our popular TV programs, but yet view us as a people as less than a desirable culture to emulate. i.e. You entertain us, but we wouldn't want to be like you. Many of them are concerned with the loss of their cultural identity as a result of permitting access to our media. This is especially true when it comes to sex/sexual behavior on sitcoms or other TV shows. So we would do well in the eyes of other cultures if we "cleaned-up a bit" in the TV/Movie industry. Hear that Guys/Gals Upstairs!!! They also pointed out that if we as consumers would use a little purse/wallet influence the media would surely respond in kind and make changes. I found this rather profound that they completely understand our culture and how to work within it to effect change. I wonder how many of us in America can say the same about our understanding of other cultures. Food for though.
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