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absingleman

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absingleman last won the day on August 28 2010

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About absingleman

  • Rank
    Active Contributor
  • Birthday 07/27/1965

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Single Male
  • Location
    Michigan
  • Swinging Experience
    20+ years off and on (mostly off)
  1. It's been over 15 years since I lived there, but when I visited Seattle a few weeks ago (yay tax return) I noticed ALL the clubs that were lifestyle friendly had either been closed or turned into all-you-can-eat buffets. The more the internet has grown in popularity, the harder it will get for singles who want to explore the lifestyle to do so because there will be more and more singles (men and women) who will appear out of nowhere with a distorted view of what swinging single means. That makes it tough for established singles (long term and newly separated/widowed) to "prove" themselves in a new area. That being said, while I'm not even trying to swing anymore, I can offer one piece of advice: If you really want to meet swing partners in PNW (or anywhere for that matter), talk to strippers. They HAVE seen and heard it all, so if you can convince them you know what you are talking about, they will play match maker between you and some of their couple customers looking for the same thing. Don't expect them to join in, but I never had problems finding partners in PNW because I wasn't afraid to talk to strippers the same way I would any other nightclub worker: As a person doing a job in customer service, not a sex worker and potential partner. Of course, that paid off in other ways, but...
  2. I'm sorry, but I think that this is a recipe for disaster. Having gay friends is one thing. I had a gay uncle (he died a few years ago) and several gay and lesbian cousins. The one thing I can tell you is that if you go looking to meet them, the expectation is that you want to have sex with them. If its a gay man and your wife approaches him, he is going to think YOU are interested in him and is using your wife to do the approaching. This will be seen as leading him on and he will not appreciate it one bit, especially if you two bring sex into the equation. Let the idea cool off for the both of you before you hurt someone's feelings. I've heard my cousins complain too many times about "bi-curious flakes" who approach them because their boyfriends wanted to have sex with them. Do you know how hard it is for me not to go into big brother mode and want to kick their butts? For most people, gay, straight, or whatever, sex is a BIG thing and something they don't share lightly. Don't make an enemy because you or your wife want a new thrill. That will happen if you pursue this the way you described yourself and your wife. Have fun and be safe.
  3. During my two years in Germany and the weekend trips I made to Austria, Italy, and Sweden, I found that the people were less embarrassed to openly talk about their own sex life or even proposition you for sex, but they were also very protective when asked about someone else's sex life unless that person was there and gave their permission. If I was interested in someone the answer was "Just ask them, or you really don't want it". Swinging was apparent but not talked about, basically for the same reason. Everyone knew it was there but they didn't go around exposing anyone's secrets. The right conversations in the proper manner opened a lot of back doors (;p) to clubs and house parties, but here you have to do a lot of name dropping to get into those same social circles.
  4. As a single man I can relate to what you are saying. Not the cause but the consequence. I think the fear of rejection or wariness of probable drama are the main barriers you face, but the solution is easy. Call me next time you want to go to a club. Just kidding. Seriously, it may be a body language thing, but not the way you think. It may be that you are, as you said, eager to meet new people and willing to play at on-premises events, and people see that and think something is wrong because you are trying to be open and friendly and approachable, something attractive SINGLE women at on-premises events usually are not until they are a little closer to my age and perceived to be more confident, wise, and in control of their hormones. I had a recent experience where a young woman's body language said she was looking for sex was so apparent even the college guys playing pool were afraid to approach her because she was gorgeous and should not have wanted anything. After a few minutes I and three other older single guys worked up the nerve to ask her to join us while we played pool and told lies about our time in the military. An hour later when she said she didn't know who to pick, two of the guys chuckled and walked away leaving me and another guy there. When I asked where she lived, she looked at my shoes, asked if I walked there (it was only two blocks away, dammit ) and she left with the other guy. Too funny, now, but disappointing then. Just be aware that sometimes you may be broadcasting your desires too loudly and others might be intimidated by that. I know from experience that single men intimidate, and sometimes even frighten, women with their body language when all they are looking for is companionship. Being too open is just as bad as being standoffish (is that really a word?) so maybe try to moderate your posture when you are at on-premises events. Of course, you could call me and we could go as a couple. LOL.
  5. As a single man, all I can say is approach this as meeting a single man who just happens to swing. If you were an avid camper, biker, skydiver, rodeo clown, professional wrester and wanted to meet someone to do these things with, you would look at the person first and the activity second. As long as you are smart you can find a single male swing partner without being afraid of the stalkers, clingers, and players. Single men who swing are just like single men who don't swing. Some are good, some are bad, some are arrogant, some are shy, etc. Just don't get it into your head that all single guys who swing have something wrong with them and you usually won't meet the ones who have something wrong with them. good luck.
  6. Funny. This girl IM'd me a few months ago. I'm paraphrasing but this is how the conversation went. Her: Are you busy? Me: No, I'm just waiting for my updates to download, then I'm going to bed. How are you? Her: So can you come over if I give you my address? Me: Uh, its two in the morning and I have to work tomorrow. But maybe on the weekend we could meet. Her: Look at my profile. I'm sure I'd be worth your time. And I'm visiting a friend who lives close to you, just a few miles away from you. (She was hot but...) Me: Well, I get off work at 3pm. We can meet tomorrow at Pizza Hut and go from... Her: Where do you live? I can come there instead. If you leave your light on I can find your place easy enough. Are you north or south of town? Me: If you had contacted me earlier I would have probably said yes. I can meet you tomorrow. Her: I can get laid right now, but I woke up from a dream and wanted a black guy. If you won't come I can find someone who will. Me: Go ahead. I was busy anyway. As bad as those profiles you quoted were, chatting with the girl (not woman) who wrote it is worse.
  7. I belong to a vanilla dating site (I think I've said this before) and the majority of women that responed to my emails and the two I actually met are single bi females that are also active swingers. And THEY contacted ME first, not the other way around. They are out there. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open. When they want you to find them, its almost scary how easy it is to hook up. When they don't want you to find them, they can be right under your nose and you'll never see them. They are good at blending into the background. That was not a power they had in Dungeons and Dragons, so I spent a .... sorry. Rambling. logging out now. too much caffiennnnee.
  8. The Fuse, it sounds to me like he wants a discreet encounter with you without your husband. From everything you said in the original post, the "couple" are two really close single friends who swing together. Something about the way you described your contacts say they swing separately and only coordinate to play together with other couples. It may not be that he is cheating on his girlfriend, but wants some one on one time with you and wants the thrill of doing it behind your husband's back instead of asking him straight out if the two of you could have some alone time. Still, the way he went about it was wrong.
  9. To Fun4al I think there is one area of relationships that men understand way sooner than women, and that is you can't please someone that is not interested in pleasing you. I hear in real life and online that men seem to jump from one woman to another like changing underwear, but it seems to take us less time to realize that a woman is out for her own pleasure and believes men will settle for anything she gives him if he is getting some. That is wrong thinking if it comes from a man or a woman. In your case, you are dealing with a man that thinks YOU will do anything he says because he knows you want to please him, but he doesn't care if you are uncomfortable with what you are doing as long as you do it his way. Thats just plain selfish, childish, and irresponsible. Everyone is telling you to dump him, but thats not enough. You also have to make up your mind not to depend on anyone to make your life complete before you commit yourself to pleasing him or anyone else. My suggestion, since you are single and looking for a fmf experience, would be to keep in contact with the woman from your first two posts and ask her if she has a male friend that she trusts to look out for her desires and set up an fmf with them. You don't have a real commitment to this guy because he has no commitment to you. Not in the real sense of making sacrifices for your pleasure in return for the sacrifices you make for his. YOU ARE SINGLE! LIVE IT!!! While I want to be in a relationship again, I've had enough bad ones to know when I'm starting to attach myself to a loser before I get in too deep. I look for the good traits, but if I only see bad traits, I don't let my pride convince me that just one more romantic evening or thoughtful gift or weekend getaway will make things better. I have a talk about what I'm feeling for her and from her, and if she makes light of it or tells me I'm wrong, I say "You're right, I made a wrong decision" and I walk away. It hurts, but it eliminates almost all the drama. And drama is only good in books, movies, and T.V. Take care of YOURSELF, or you'll never be able to take care of others.
  10. Not exactly true. Your husband should be more open with the single guys so they are on the same page. I know from experience that a big part of my enjoyment of swinging with couples is having the husband see me with his wife and sometimes direct me in what to do. But he has to be as comfortable talking to the single guy as you are having sex with the single guy. If he doesn't get to that comfort level, he will start to back away from swinging altogether. That may not be a bad thing, but it doesn't sound like something you want. have fun out there and don't hurt anybody.
  11. I must be the exception to the single male stereotype. I was at a bar and an attractive woman just came up and asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said "Not tonight". I must have stood out or she saw me as a challenge because she suddenly became a regular and kept at me until I said yes. It was only two weeks (the bar was around the corner from my apartment so I went there everyday after work before returning to heat up ravioli or Chinese leftovers) but I actually got off on this woman (who I found out was a local radio DJ) pursuing me. Since that time, if a woman makes the first move, I look at her breasts. If I see nipples, I flip a coin. Heads is yes, tails is no. If I don't, I say "No, but lets talk", because I know she will be back sooner or later. Conceited? Maybe, but thats been my experience. Oh, this was about a swing club? well, in that case, I think I would still do the "Not right now, but lets talk." In that environment, I know she can have sex and she SHOULD know she can have sex with little effort, so if I have to be on my best behavior and make the best impression I can, she should too. Hey, I believe in equal sexual rights for women. They need to work just as hard as I do (yeah, right hahahahaha).
  12. I knew a woman that had a serious prostitute fantasy when I lived in Seattle. She and her husband would go diners in the early morning and she would sit in one section and he in another. There they would meet guys who answered the ad they put on the board in adult bookstores. If the guy had not been in the store and called them prior to showing up, they did nothing. If they did, she went through a routine, he drove them to the motel we (the husband and I) worked for, then they all went home after. Was it swinging? Was it prostitution? Was it fetish play? Who cares. It's what got them off. They got around the legal issue because the money he was given he promptly used to rent the room. I only know that I got in trouble for looking the other way the few times they played their game when I was working. It seems that the owner was getting a lot of flak from the real pimps for letting a couple of posers work their turf. But thats what turned them on. Its what turns clem on. I couldn't get into it, but I don't have to, only them.
  13. Hi, Aster. As SINGLE man who is definitely not new to swinging, I can say that most of the "single" guys who wrote you were most likely either teenagers looking to impress their buddies looking over their shoulder or married men hoping to meet you within the week. Most single men just don't have the time to be online emailing a woman three or four times after she has said no. Its way too easy to find women in the real world for a quick fling to waste time trying to convince someone who's face you haven't seen to talk to you. I do know what you are going through. My first week on SLS five years ago, I received over 100 messages from men asking if I was bi or if I would consider meeting them. There were three cool guys I got together with for a gangbang with a couple in Ohio, but I later learned that those three guys were the guys almost everyone in the Detroit/Ohio area said are the quality guys on the site. Since I left Detroit, swinging is just a dream. Thats cool. I'm currently trying to decide if I'm going to hook up with an old bed buddy or a woman who wrote to me online because she knows my cousin next Tuesday. Of course, if I read a profile of a single woman or couple that said something I thought was interesting, I might write them and see where it goes. I haven't seen any profiles like that in over three years, and this is the first time in about a month that I've been on this site. Its been even longer since I've been on SLS or any other swing site. Its just not an economical use of my meeting women online time. On the other hand, it is possible for a single woman to meet quality single men and couples on the net. If you write the ones with profiles you find interesting, you will most likely meet someone that will treat you with respect and make you want to meet them in person. Oh, and the quality single men are more interested in women who know what they are looking for than in a woman with the best pictures. JMO. have fun
  14. This was a good topic. Now, once again, I'm going to give the single guy who used to be part of a couple point of view. Honesty doesn't have to go further than "Sorry, we are not interested. Good luck, though." Anything more says to a single man, "We would want to, but you didn't say or do enough of the right things." Remember, most single men have sex with single women, not couples. Most single men are CONDITIONED to pursue single women by asking them why they are saying "Sorry, not interested." From my two years in a relationship that almost ended in marriage, I know I lost that hunter edge and just moved on when we didn't get that definite yes. I was with a woman who was the most important person on this world to me, and I had no time for anyone who didn't want to be with us, no matter how attracted I/she/we were attracted to her/them. It took me almost four years to regain that hunter's instinct when it came to dating, and it takes a lot of self control to reign those instincts in when it comes to swinging. I could defend the guy and say that he has roommates (if he's single there's a fifty-fifty chance he lives with one or two other guys if he's under fifty in today's economy) and they have gone away for the weekend, but that should have been in his profile. Its in mine and its not something I try to hide. It explains who answered the phone when I'm not home and why I have such a small window of opportunity. If he is a cop, school teacher, or in the military, having a public picture (especially if he has tatooes) could be a problem, especially if he is new to his job. Again, that should be in his profile. I know many teachers who won't swing with anyone within 100 miles of their home town for that reason. Bottom line, he doesn't know the ropes yet. Don't know how he's going to learn, but that is his problem. He will work it out eventually. Still, it was a good topic. Personally, I always leave it at "Sorry, not interested. Good luck, though." Most couples and single women accept that and move on. The ones who don't get ignored.
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