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Whoahblackbetty

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  • Content Count

    27
  • Joined

Community Reputation

15 Good

About Whoahblackbetty

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 01/04/1970

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Single
  • Location
    Dallas texas
  • Interests
    Art, sex, music, friends, new adventures
  • Occupation
    Art/design
  • Swinging Experience
    Since July 2011
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx

Swinger Info

  • SLS Name
    Sweetandsourpork
  1. Thanks everyone. I hear what you are saying and I just want to clarify, we do communicate, not just at dinner---- that conversation took a few days because we had kids around and such and last night, he suggested on his own that we not swing for awhile until i feel better. This weekend, he has planned a relationship-strengthening weekend. Looking forward to that.
  2. Well, he stepped up. All the play partners are aware of me and our profiles have been updated with relationship status. We are coming "out" at the clubs this weekend, etc. We are still working on rules but I'm pleased with our progress so far.
  3. Haha alura. Ok so we found a chance to talk. Well, let me rephrase that. He mentioned something casually about my dinner and I told him to "back the fuck off my salad" which led to the discussion. Lol All play partners will now be made clearly aware of my existence and he will be setting up our online presence as a couple this week. We also have a plan going forward regarding sex with each other, etc. It seems I misunderstood what he originally said which was not that he wanted to have sex with me less but that he didn't want to feel pressured. Well, who does? I also decided that, regardless of my lofty ideals about freedom and the rules, I need rules to feel comfortable so we are buckling down on setting them tonight. I am not naive enough to think that will solve all of my issues but it's a start.
  4. Thanks again everyone! I haven't made any decisions yet and did not have a chance for a big discussion with him yesterday like I wanted but I promise I will post as soon as I do. I think I have a good plan now for areas to address. First, is going to be a clear demand to stop the hiding. Y'all are freaking awesome! (btw, regarding my marriage, we were separated prior to the official separation for close to two years.)
  5. Oh and in response to pb&js question about whether or not there is a sexual thrill prior to me playing: I feel some excitement, especially with the attention i recieve when being courted. I love that part for sure, but generally I feel nervous and rushed when it comes down to play. I prefer deep, intense, loving sex and if I can't have that, I'd rather wait until I can. Settling for mediocre casual sex is so lackluster. The whole process is a pain in the ass, too...spending time getting to know people only to have them flake out at the last minute, is really annoying. Anyway, I have removed my swing profiles for now until I figure out where I want to go with it. Im also planning on having a Come-to-Jesus meeting with bf about it when he wakes up. We talked shortly after I posted that but didn't get too far into it because we were tired. If y'all have suggestions for some good areas to cover in that conversation (other than the ones mentioned already), I'd love to hear them.
  6. Thanks so much everyone. You are telling me what I think I already knew. Keep it coming
  7. I'm new to swinging and I got involved because I fell in love with a swinger. I like the concept and I'm on board with nonmonogamy, in theory, but I am finding myself becoming disillusioned with it and not completely sure why. I think i might know the answer already but maybe fleshing out the problems here might give me another perspective. Any comments would be appreciated. A little background and baggage: My bf and I have been together 5 months. I met him online after separating from my husband. Until meeting him i had only been in serious ltrs (except for a short, slutty period in hs) and wanted to keep things light as i healed from my divorce. From the beginning, I planned to date only casually. That didn't last long. BF didn't tell me he was a swinger OR that he lived and played with his ex gf (his primary) until after we fell hard and fast for each other. I felt awful about being the "other" woman. Now, I fear becoming her. I have never cheated on anyone and was mortified with my behavior, especially since my marriage ended in large part due to husband cheating. I should have told bf to come to me only when his other relationship ended but i couldn't resist him. She knew of me as a play partner only and, to this day does not know the full truth. They broke up a month ago and I became his primary. Having the same done to me is now my worst fear. Bf has been swinging for a couple of years. He offered to give up swinging if I couldn't deal with it but I didn't (and still don't) think I could ask him to do that so I've slowly warmed to the idea based on things i read here and from the Internet and books, swingers I have known, and a desire to have fun as well as push myself to deal with the abandonment stuff and jealousy issues I have had in the past. I have had 5 or 6 playmates so far---one couple, the rest single males. Our relationship is awesome in these ways: we communicate well, we share interests and beliefs, we are attentive and loving towards each other, we have fun together, he excites me, we share sexual/kink interests, he is giving and thoughtful, he helps me stretch my boundaries and set goals for my life, physical attraction, emotional connection, etc. But here are some things I'm having trouble with: 1. Everything I learned and read told me that swinging was a "together" activity and this fact contributed to my attraction to it. I even read a statistic (can't find it now) that showed a significant increase in swing couples staying together long term. I have some abandonment issues so that fed straight into my hope for lasting love. Problem is, im not finding "togetherness in swinging" to be the case in my case. bF hasn't told his other partners about me and fights me on the subject when I tell him it's important to me that we come "out" together. He says it will keep him from getting laid. I think it will help him get laid! Besides, it will help me feel more secure. Is it unreasonable to ask for this a month (or five) into it? 2. I have not enjoyed my encounters with others as much as I'd hoped I would. Maybe I just haven't played with the right people but the experiences felt bland, unfulfilling and boring. 3. My two club experiences were pretty lame and I found the people to be cliquish and kind of rude. 4. bF and i can't seem to commit to rules. We've discussed it in depth and have lists on lists made but I struggle with having rules at all. He agrees to most of my rules (except for a few that seem really big to me---no overnights, being known in the scene as a couple, for example) and I agree to all of his, though I struggle with the concept or rules altogether. The insecure part of me needs the comfort and security but my brain tells me that if bf and i are "really true love", then we will always come back to each other so why bother with them? 5. We still have yet to play with others together or even at the same event. In the beginning, BFs living situation prevented that but now, there's no excuse and it ain't happened yet. He suffers from performance anxiety and says he prefers one on ones but he encourages me to make couples dates and pimp him out to singles (none have panned out yet----flakes). He also says he worries about whether or not he can handle seeing me with someone else. He did it with his ex just fine but says he didn't have the same emotional connection with her. I don't even know what I prefer or if i can handle seeing him play (though I think I can because I'm okay, even aroused by hearing about it or watching him on video.) I actually think it might alleviate my fears and lessen my anxiety to watch him but since I haven't experienced it, how would I know? 6. BF has had a few experiences since we've been officially together. Prior to this, I was able to detach from his activities. Since I didn't see him everyday, it didn't seem real me. Now it's in my face and its rough dealing with the reality. What are some good tips for dealing with jealousy? 7. It takes me about a day to get comfortable with his playdates. I like to know who, what, when, where etc. Then, I spend time assessing the threat level, reassuring myself that he will come back, and planning fun things to do while he's gone. But then, Bf changes plans at the last minute and I freak out anyway. All of my preparation is useless. Change is scary for an anxious person like myself. Tonight, he was supposed to meet a couple and possibly a single lady afterward. The couple canceled and the single wanted to hang out only. Instead of coming "home" (we don't officially live together but he's here most of the time), he texted me saying he was going to the swing club. I wished him well. Then, I got a message hours later saying he was tired and "crashing there". Right now, my anxiety is kicking because I have no idea where "there" is and never got another message. Did he stay the night at single lady's house, go home with someone from the club, or crash at the club (one of his play partners works there so it's a possibility).... Who knows? But I hate this feeling of floating around in the breeze wondering. Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep close to the original plan without surprises? 7. I haven't made any lifestyle friends. This board is my only link and I don't know what is normal or typical in these situations. 8. I resist the urge to veto because i am afraid he will decide I'm too much trouble or cramping his style/caging him in and leave. 9. Part of my attraction to bf is the fact that I cant seem to get enough of him, physically, but we don't have sex as often as I'd like. This is not really a libido issue. We both have high drives but his style is to focus on variety, avoiding sexual boredom by being with many women. He wants sex as often as I do, just not always with me whereas I want him, could truly be satisfied with only him and no one else can compare. Does this mean, I'm not wired for swinging?
  8. My guy and I are coming at this back-asswards. So far we have ONLY done separate stuff! I am the novice, he is more experienced. I understood and experienced compersion for him pretty quickly so I am pretty sure I can enjoy watching, or playing with him and others but he doesn't know if he can handle seeing someone with me. He has done it with other girlfriends in the past but no one that he had an emotional/love bond with. This weekend, we have a couples date and it will be our first shared experience. I am hoping it goes well. Playing separately is all I know but it seems lacking. What attracted me to swinging was the shared experience factor. Talking about it after doesn't seem to offer the same appeal. What I do like about separate play is the ability to focus on one partner. In group settings, I always feel distracted and confused about whom to please first and for how long.
  9. First, you are not ready for this yet and that's okay. Slow down. Tell your husband to stop being a prick. Yes, you do get to make rules and guidelines and he should be kissing your feet for doing so. He's got a woman who is sexy, willing, open and giving. He needs to bend over backwards and flip inside out to make sure you are comfortable, safe, secure and content. The fact that you're worried about him cheating on you tells me that you are doing this more for him than for you. It's good to do something selfless for our partner but he needs to understand that it may be his only fuck pass. It sounds like he might be planning for a nonstop sexy party when all you want is to help alleviate the infidelity implications and pressure that's coming from his fantasy. Some of your fears seem like ones I had in the beginning and are probably pretty normal. I havent been here much longer than you (4months) and still have tiny freAkouts from time to time over things that i didnt expect. My guy and I work though them together. What concerns me about your situation is that, after three months, you still feel so frightened and instead of getting better, things are getting worse. You say you feel lost. That doesn't sound like a sound foundation for swinging. This pastime seems to require lots and lots and lots of talking with each other and a good emotional connection plus a firm level of confidence and self worth. Be kind to yourself. Don't do it until you, yourself, want to. If you can't find it arousing and exciting on your own, you might be setting yourself up for heartache. And you know what? If he cheats or can't handle waiting... Well, you know the rest, I bet. Ps: I found a ton of good guidance via Dan Savage (savage love) and this book, "sex at dawn" you might also enjoy Dan's podcast, column or book.
  10. A lot of these guys/gals are scammers. You see it more on the dating sites than on swinger sites but they are there too. Nonsensical texts are the first clue. Poor grammar in the profile, no spaces after sentences, an eerie feeling that you have read their message before with someone else's pic on it...they also jump right in with talk of extreme closeness: soul mates, marriage, forever...and pet names. They are just wasting your time looking or someone desperate enough to fall the scams which are many.
  11. Honey, I didn't even get to sit! I stood all night except for the few times when someone asked me to MOVE out of their way! I tried dancing but the dj sucked. I had so many issues with the club, the scene, the community in general. I think I need to start a rant elsewhere...runs off giggling.
  12. This is a recent favorite from a dude with no pics: BIGCHIEFMARINE looking for something to do today it is hot and need some one to have fun with 5 feet 11 200 pounds single 7 inch d--- jim WHOAHBLACKBETTY Send pics and I'll let u know BIGCHIEFMARINE dont have pictures but i am 5 foot 11 200 pounds dark hair with a little gray i know you will like what you see what do have to loose if you dont like what you see i will gust leave . jim WHOAHBLACKBETTY Sry. Wish I had that kind of time to make playdates with guys I'm not sure I'm attracted to but I don't. Digital cams and camera phones are easy to find. Let me know when you get some pics, k? BIGCHIEFMARINE found a date tonight we are going eat at chamberlain on beltline and flying to reno sat coming back sun. i work for american airline maybe next time .jim I wondered why he thought i cared about his date plans. It took me a few minutes to realize he was trying to make me jealous with employee flight vouchers, a second-rate steakhouse and faux las Vegas! It is epic in its extreme proportion of Fail. I think we should keep this thread going. I get funny ones alllll the time. (And if they're not really all that funny, we can gust leave.) Lol
  13. Thanks Dayton! I realize now I shoulda posted that in singles profiles but, oh well
  14. You know what? I have heard about the mystery of the Unicorn and you'd think with us being so hard to find, folks would've been all over me at the club last week. (I have a bf, but we play separately right now). I was shocked that nobody talked to me all night! Well, a few guys did but only when wife wasn't around and that bothered me. Maybe they were just mesmerized by the appearance of the fabled beast, but I get more action meeting folks in regular clubs, or just down at the waffle house.
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