Is He Straight or Bi-Curious? — Who knows?

[ionsawmill]

Recently, we were contacted by a straight single male in our area. Everything looks promising and we'll probably have a "meet & greet" soon over drinks and dinner, since we've chatted with him several times online. He seems to have similar interests and a genuine need for discretion, as he is a teacher.

As many of you know from my posts on this board, I am a bi-curious male. I advertise this in our ads, on our profiles, on the board and on our personal website. It's even in the little blurb to the left of our posts!

While chatting one night, he asked what we were looking for as swingers; what were our fantasies. I told him of my wife's interest in double-penetration. I realized from his original email that he was straight, so I told him that, though it didn't interest him, I was interested in giving another guy oral sex. His response was basically "we might be able to work something out.".

This left me both confused and a little bit miffed. If he is straight, then what he is suggesting is that I can perform oral sex for him while he "lies back and thinks of England". On the other hand, if he is bi-curious or bisexual and was just hiding it to improve his chances at finding swing partners, then I feel obligated not to indulge him, lest he continue his subterfuge. I'm perfectly comfortable swinging straight with him and just setting aside the bisexuality issue, but I don't think I'm comfortable having bi-sex with this guy.

It's a puzzle within an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum.

Anyone else have a different take on the situation?

Tainted Homily
Impromtu Bisexual Activist

[imsnowman]

On the other hand, if he is bi-curious or bisexual and was just hiding it to improve his chances at finding swing partners, then I feel obligated not to indulge him, lest he continue his subterfuge.

I don't think I'd think of this as subterfuge/deception. As you know from reading the board single males have to be very careful about what they say and how they approach couples. Most likely, if he is bi or bi-curious he feels that would simply be an extra liability. Even couples "suffer" frrom the stigma of bi-maleism. (Is that a word? :p )
I imagine he controls those tendencies with couples unless they make the first move. Why don't you ask him? I certainly wouldn't deny myself the pleasure simply to spite him.

[LadyCleo]

I think that there are different levels of "straight".

Personally, I am "hetero-flexible". I do not consider myself bi. I do not actively persue other women to have sex with. I do not mind receiving oral from another woman but will not usually give. There have been some women in my college days that I did perform oral on willingly. I have yet to find a woman that I am attracted to enough to want to do it. Thus, my definition of "hetero-flexible".

While some people may think that just the act of being pleasured by someone of your own sex makes you bi-sexual, I do not agree. I think that it's the act of you pleasuring someone of your own sex as bi-sexuality. The difference is whether you are giving or receiving. Possibly, he too, feels the way I do.

Why are we so quick to place labels on people? Just enjoy the pleasure.

Just my $0.02
LC

[ionsawmill]

Originally posted by LadyCleo
I imagine he controls those tendencies with couples unless they make the first move. Why don't you ask him? I certainly wouldn't deny myself the pleasure simply to spite him.

I think that by advertising myself as bi-curious and explaining what that means to me on our websites and profiles, I've made the first move. Also, I don't feel as if refraining from bi-sex would be spiting him. I just think that if he considers himself straight, it's not my place to coerce or encourage him to do something he's not comfortable with. If he is interested in bi-sex, then I'll leave it up to him to act on that interest.

Originally posted by LadyCleo
Why are we so quick to place labels on people?

I think it's in our nature to categorize the world around us. Our perception only goes so far; past that, it's all conceptual and we'd be nowhere without our concepts.

In any case, he identified himself as "straight" from the start. I didn't label him, he labeled himself. My problem now seems to be what does "straight" mean to him and what does it mean to me.

Just enjoy the pleasure.

If he's not into it, then I'm not going to enjoy it. There's nothing worse than sex in which one person is just waiting for it to be over. Most of all, I don't want him to feel like he has to acquiesce to my wishes just to have sex with my wife. That's not the case at all. I've lived my entire adult life as a heterosexual. I can wait a little longer to find someone who's not just pretending because he thinks it's what is expected of him. If we were looking for someone to fulfill both of our fantasies, we'd wait for a couple like us; hetero- female and bi-male.

[CherryPunk]

I have vacillated between being "straight" and "bi-curious"... I think "hetero-flexible" would be closer to what I am... though I don't know. How is one to know they're bi or straight unless they have tried something. Am I bi-curious? Maybe... I have fantasies involving men... do I seek them out? no... Am I comfortable with other men in the room looking at me and maybe even touching me? ... yes. Do I find men attractive? not normally... would I get off on a guy sucking my cock? maybe.. never happened... so, how should I know.

If some guy offered, I might say yes... depends on the guy. If I said I was bi-curious, that would imply that I *too* would have interest in sucking them off... without having a full discourse on what exactly turns someone on or off... it's hard to tell.

I would take it with a grain of salt. If you would get off sucking him and he likes you doing it, then great. I understand where you're coming from... I don't get off on having sex with a woman if they're laying back thinking about doing the dishes.. I would hardly think this to be the case if you are in a sexually charged environment.

Labels offered on sites are pretty broad... I have a choice of 'straight', 'bi-curious', 'bisexual' and 'gay'... what if I fall into none of those... I mean, should I just forgo it all? What if I like the idea of being with a bi-sexual guy just because the opportunity to flirt with someone else is a turn on...

Who knows... go as far as you want to go and if you don't want to do something, then don't. If you want someone to "specifically" try out your "bi" side, then state that up front. If it's not their cup of tea... then move on.

Just some random thoughts I have on the topic...

-Punk

[naughty A]

this is JMO.

but I would feel deceived and angry.

but then I am niave and believe people should be upfront and honest about their preferences... especially swingers...

[jcbicouple]

Here's our perspective (and we'll admit that we are far from normal!). Our definition of bisexual can be found in Webster. " Having a sexual interest in members of both sexes" We state that we are bisexual in all of our ads and on line profiles. We also state that we are looking for bi playmates. We are contacted frequently by "straight" singles. (mostly men). It's amazing how many of them turn bi or bi curious as soon as we tell them that we aren't interested in meeting "straight" people. (Again, all of our ads and profiles say this) When looking for people to play with, we look for those that have a sexual interest in both of us. Even though it involves others, it is still very much an "us" thing. Our read on the suddenly curious guys, is that they are changing their story just for an opportunity to sleep with someone's wife. We know that isn't true of all, but we haven't had many positive experiences with the few that we have met. We certainly aren't interested in men or women that will "let us" perform for them (and you wouldn't believe how many people actually say that to us!).

We understand the statement in a previous post, that single guys have it tough, and are trying not to limit their chances. However, we also feel that anytime someone says something just to up their chances of getting laid, regardless of their sex or maritial status: It is deceiving, and anyone changing their story, to "match up" is dishonest. Not the kind of people we want to play with.

[CherryPunk]

Originally posted by naughty A
but I would feel deceived and angry.

How would you feel deceived... the guy said he was straight... yeah, if you (you, in this case, being another guy) wanted to suck his cock he might let that happen, but he never said he was bi... Why would someone be angry at someone being honest... more likely I would be angry if he told me he did the bi thing and just said he was straight because of social pressure... and then turned out to be straight afterall and lied to get in my wife's pants.

I don't see how the guy was deceitful... just because someone's comfortable with a bi-guy doesn't mean they're looking for it themselves.

[TomF_22033]

I agree with CherryPunk. And frankly if I was answering your ad I'd probably give you the same exact answer that the guy gave you. I'm straight, and am not interested in guys, but under the right conditions, I'd consider trying someone giving me oral if I felt comfortable with them. Does that make me a liar? I personally don't think so, but everyone has there own standards and opinions. My opinon is that you should respect him for being honest, and realize that you may have found someone that is a good match for you. Instead of being upset, I think you should be greatful. But that's just my opinon. You're feelings are your's and only you can control them.

[ionsawmill]

I said I was slightly miffed, and confused; not upset. It takes a lot more than this to get me upset. I'm basically a laid-back kind of guy.

At this point, I'm not even miffed. Perplexed, puzzled and a little concerned, but not upset or angry. If I was angry, we wouldn't be meeting this guy.

[Elusive BiFem]

Say, ionsawmill? Is it possible that after chatting with you...getting to know you a bit and feeling comfortable with you...that he decided he might be interested in trying it? I don't know...I'm kind of thinking that we all have preconceived ideas about things (from who knows where!), but as we learn more we change our attitudes and opinions.

I mean...just look at the evolution of swinging for most of us. We grow up thinking we should settle down, get married, live monogamously forever...then the idea is planted somewhere. We begin to read a little, talk a little...maybe go to a club "just to see what it's like,"....and for some of us, over a period of time, we decide swinging is something we might enjoy.

I don't know...just a thought that occurred in the early morning hours. - EBF

[ionsawmill]

...but he said this within the first few minutes of our first chat.

Interesting way of looking at it. I automatically assumed that, since he mentioned his sexual preferences in his first email, that it was important to him.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by ionsawmill
...but he said this within the first few minutes of our first chat.

Interesting way of looking at it. I automatically assumed that, since he mentioned his sexual preferences in his first email, that it was important to him.

I was under the impression you had chatted/e-mailed with him several times before the subject came up, based on your first post. Nonetheless, we have learned here that placing any hint of bi-sexuality on a profile, for men, can greatly limit responses.

It could have been a couple of different things for him...the bi issue on the profile, possibly, or maybe even the situation you have addressed so well in Kain's thread - a move on the continuum. Along the lines of...this isn't anything I've ever really considered, but it may be something worth thinking about and/or trying with someone I've grown comfortable with.

My first threesome experience...if it had not occurred the way it did...unexpectedly and with people I was 100% comfortable with, I doubt I would have ever even thought of it, much less considered it. Had the suggestion come from anyone that I wasn't so comfortable, or even at a different time in my life, I'm certain my immediate response would have been something along the lines of, "Have you completely lost your freakin' minds!!" Each point on that continuum gives us the opportunity to take another step forward or backwards.


- EBF