Men and Sexuality

Magnolia · 11-13-2002, 12:24 PM

Hello Everyone,

We are new to posting on the board, but have been reading through a lot of topics here for quite sometime. I have a very serious question to ask and would appreciate some feed back. I would also appreciate it, that if these questions disturb you, that you refrain from bashing and thrashing us. I will try to explain all of this to you as thoroughly as I can.

We have been swinging with couples for over a year. We enjoy swinging and have great fun. I am (the female half bi-sexual), my husband, I thought was always what most would consider straight. We have had a few occasions in which we were with other couples in that the male was bi and it didn't disturb us at all. It actually made for some playing around a lot more fun as no one was phobic. That is the men being in close quarters together. Okay. On with the story.

As I said, we have been reading through a lot of these topics here, my husband specifically certain ones about male bi-sexuality. Recently he asked me if I would consider a single male who was bi-sexual so that he could explore this part of himself. Needless to say, I nearly had a coronary. He had never once mentioned anything like this to me. I mean he has talked about all kinds of scenarios, but this just floored me. I am by no means anti bi-sexuality for either sex. In fact I find that it just might be very erotic. I am willing to persue this with him. However, I feel that due to the stigma of any male contact by the general society may frighten him from wanting to explore this.

My questions are these:

How can we overcome these fears and anxieties?

Why should a man fear expressing himself in what ever way they desire sexually, when a woman is encouraged to do so?

Has anyone else ever just had their husband spring this on them out of the blue? If so how did you handle it?

Thank you kindly for any well thought out response.

Magnolia

ciscosv · 11-13-2002, 01:03 PM

Why should you get thrashed?

Q.) How can we overcome these fears and anxieties?

My A.) Go for it.

Q.) Why should a man fear expressing himself in what ever way they desire sexually, when a
woman is encouraged to do so?

My A.) Because alot of men won't admit to it.

Q.) Has anyone else ever just had their husband spring this on them out of the blue? If so
how did you handle it?

My A.) The wife knows about my past experimentation. Is it my bag? No. I am sure I surprised and shocked the hell out of her too with my admissions!

The good thing is that it is in the open now and ready to be explored. Its like the first time you two decided to swing right? Have fun.

***JustAskJulie*** · 11-13-2002, 01:05 PM

Since the questions here apply to swinging in general and not necessarily to SINGLE males, I've moved this topic to "General Swingers" forum.

OhioCouple · 11-14-2002, 12:03 AM

Magnolia,

Have you talked with your husband about your shock, or are you just playing along?

Certainly this would be shocking, but as you said you are not against any same sex, sex...(wow did that make sense?)

I personally have no disagreement with same sex relations although I know there are many that do.

Lori

***JustAskJulie*** · 11-14-2002, 01:08 PM

Since you hubby was the one that brought it up in the first place what makes you think that the stigma will keep him from following through?

This is something just between the two of you really (and whatever guy you invite to join you), so there really shouldn't be any stigman involved. He's already made it through the hard part (IMO) and that's expressing his desires to you (when he didn't know how you would react).

Magnolia · 11-22-2002, 12:05 PM

I believe his fears may be in how he thinks I will react (I personally find it erotic and he knows this) and how he will react if he does enjoy the interaction. There is also the problem with finding a man who is truly bi-sexual. True bi-sexual women are also difficult to find. Many will say that they are and they really aren't. Since we have read so many topics regarding where men will say they are bi-sexual just to get in the lady's panties, they are not. So I suppose it is no different between sexes.

He knows that I have always wanted to have a single male with us and this is how he has agreed for this to happen. So if we make a poor choice the first time out, it could spell disaster for ever having another single male. (I don't care if the single male is bi or not, it is just something I have always wanted to experience.)

For now we are continuing to talk about it and keep reading. When he comes to the realization that one of two things are going to happen, he will either decide he did not care for it and won't care to persue it again, or he will decide that he enjoyed it and will be open to the experience again. Which ever it is, neither makes him gay. Maybe that is where the real problem lies.

Magnolia

youngish56 · 11-22-2002, 02:07 PM

Just a couple of initial thought reactions to your question. I'm straight male and admit somewhat intolerant of male gays - but not lesbians. The result of our society I'm afraid. I wonder if he might be afraid to find he has more male interest than he has admitted to you or himself. I myself, am able to identify this thought in myself during some MFM experiences, but I've never felt so strong an urge to explore as your man.

Traditionally, in the old battle between "fear" and "hunger", hunger wins out. Best wishes on this adventure.

TeamSoBe · 11-22-2002, 04:07 PM

Haha, Youngish, you sound exactly like a guy that has managed to talk his girl into trying a threesome with another girl and he's worried something will go wrong and she won't do it again.

Experimenting with guys is really hard for a guy because we're so worried about what everybody will think about us. Even though you say that you're supportive, make sure that you go out of your way to let him know that you mean it. My wife specifically likes seeing guy/guy action and we live in the middle of South Beach so I know she has nothing against gay men. Even in that situation I still get really self-conscious about letting my guard down and experimenting with guys, it's really hard.

It's also awfully difficult to find an appropriate guy to experiment with. Bisexual men are not exactly prized like bi girls are. The gay community overtly discriminates against bisexual men, and obviously straight people do too. Finding a truly bisexual man that is open enough about it for you to be able to find him and who you are also both attracted to really isn't a simple thing. People act like it's hard to find bisexual girls, but single bi girls grow on trees compared to decent, non-creepy bi men.

youngish56 · 11-22-2002, 06:13 PM

South Beach Dude ? I obviously didn't explain my thought clearly. I was hoping to say that the male who mentions a male interest to his wife might have a fear of finding out for himself that he likes sex with men more than women. Then to follow that fear a little further, lose interest in the loving sexual relationship he has with his wife. I admit I may be reaching, but I like to blurt out my thoughts before I have time to second think them. The anonymity of this post helps allow that to be an acceptable style.

Magnolia · 11-22-2002, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by youngish56
Just a couple of initial thought reactions to your question. I'm straight male and admit somewhat intolerant of male gays - but not lesbians. The result of our society I'm afraid. I wonder if he might be afraid to find he has more male interest than he has admitted to you or himself. I myself, am able to identify this thought in myself during some MFM experiences, but I've never felt so strong an urge to explore as your man.

Traditionally, in the old battle between "fear" and "hunger", hunger wins out. Best wishes on this adventure.

This sort of sentiment is exactly what I am talking about. I enjoy the sexuality and engaging in sex with another woman, but I do not consider myself a lesbian. I am a woman who enjoys both sexes. In my mind a lesbian is centered soley on the female sex with no desire for a male. Therefore I consider myself bi-sexual as I equally enjoy the sensuality that they both have to offer.

I don't think he has a fear of finding out he might be "gay" as you call it, so much as what he might be labled as by the general society of swingers. Your statements seem to confirm that. I will say that he has, does, and will probably for the rest of his life desire a woman first and foremost. Why should he not be able to explore a side of himself even if it is only curiosity? It is no different than two women exploring their sexuality, but it doesn't mean that they don't still love and prefer men as their life mates. It shouldn't be any different for him either.

Magnolia

Magnolia · 11-22-2002, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TeamSoBe
Even though you say that you're supportive, make sure that you go out of your way to let him know that you mean it.

How can I be more supportive? We talk about it and play fantasy games when making love. I don't really know what to do to insure him that it is okay by me and to hell with what anyone else might think should they find out. It is to the point now that I am so turned on by the thought of the scenario that I do not want to seem like I am pushing for it. Thank you for your help.

Magnolia

Magnolia · 11-22-2002, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by youngish56
I was hoping to say that the male who mentions a male interest to his wife might have a fear of finding out for himself that he likes sex with men more than women. Then to follow that fear a little further, lose interest in the loving sexual relationship he has with his wife.

Would you think the same thoughts if it were your wife or another woman wanting to expand their horizons with another woman?

Magnolia

youngish56 · 11-22-2002, 08:38 PM

Magnolia, the answer to your question whether I would have similar suspicions if it were my wife and another woman is -no. I am only trying to offer from my own experience. My wife would have to voice an opinion from her own experience to be valid regarding women.Certainly not suggesting my experience applies to your situation. I hope you'll receive my rambling thoughts for what they are.

I've experienced the feelings I've described and expressed them only as more data for others' computers to analyze.

Hopefully you can understand that on a site like this it is impossible to know the mindset of the questioner or the answerer. Some of us like to discuss everything without limits. Some of us want to hear only socially assuring posts. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

Best wishes to you and yours.

sportync · 11-23-2002, 11:45 AM

Magnolia, you must remember that the only people who will have any idea of what is going on is the three of you, so I wouldn't worry too much about any stigma. If it's something that you two wish to explore together, then go for it. As far as him deciding that he likes this better than what he had with you....I wouldn't worry about it one bit. Yor are the one he married. There is a lot more to that relationship than sex-organs rubbing together. That is one small part of the relationship, so I don't think you need to worry that he will suddenly turn gay and leave you for his new guy. You might not be able to find a like-minded bi-guy right off the bat, but I would say that you ought to go for the threesome anyway, because even if nothing happens between the guys(and it might not), you will still have a ball having 2 guys to please you. Go for it, and enjoy. Sportync

lasvegasgal57 · 12-27-2002, 06:58 PM

Hi
I have to say that I agree with most of the posts here. I for one see the interest my husband has regarding another man. I for one would like to see him and another man together, as long as he is willing to let me be there. I find the thought of him and another man together extremely exciting. I do not believe that once he tried this that he would give up women, but a person should always explore their interests, and I believe this is one of his, so I would like to support him in it. I sent him this topic review so he could see once and for all that I am ok with it.
lasvegasgal57

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11-13-2002, 12:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
Magnolia Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 17 Location: USA	Men and Sexuality Hello Everyone, We are new to posting on the board, but have been reading through a lot of topics here for quite sometime. I have a very serious question to ask and would appreciate some feed back. I would also appreciate it, that if these questions disturb you, that you refrain from bashing and thrashing us. I will try to explain all of this to you as thoroughly as I can. We have been swinging with couples for over a year. We enjoy swinging and have great fun. I am (the female half bi-sexual), my husband, I thought was always what most would consider straight. We have had a few occasions in which we were with other couples in that the male was bi and it didn't disturb us at all. It actually made for some playing around a lot more fun as no one was phobic. That is the men being in close quarters together. Okay. On with the story. As I said, we have been reading through a lot of these topics here, my husband specifically certain ones about male bi-sexuality. Recently he asked me if I would consider a single male who was bi-sexual so that he could explore this part of himself. Needless to say, I nearly had a coronary. He had never once mentioned anything like this to me. I mean he has talked about all kinds of scenarios, but this just floored me. I am by no means anti bi-sexuality for either sex. In fact I find that it just might be very erotic. I am willing to persue this with him. However, I feel that due to the stigma of any male contact by the general society may frighten him from wanting to explore this. My questions are these: How can we overcome these fears and anxieties? Why should a man fear expressing himself in what ever way they desire sexually, when a woman is encouraged to do so? Has anyone else ever just had their husband spring this on them out of the blue? If so how did you handle it? Thank you kindly for any well thought out response. Magnolia

11-13-2002, 01:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
ciscosv Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 750 Location: Redford, Michigan Status: Married Couple	Why should you get thrashed? Q.) How can we overcome these fears and anxieties? My A.) Go for it. Q.) Why should a man fear expressing himself in what ever way they desire sexually, when a woman is encouraged to do so? My A.) Because alot of men won't admit to it. Q.) Has anyone else ever just had their husband spring this on them out of the blue? If so how did you handle it? My A.) The wife knows about my past experimentation. Is it my bag? No. I am sure I surprised and shocked the hell out of her too with my admissions! The good thing is that it is in the open now and ready to be explored. Its like the first time you two decided to swing right? Have fun. __________________ M&M Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

11-13-2002, 01:05 PM	#3 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 24,502 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 75	Since the questions here apply to swinging in general and not necessarily to SINGLE males, I've moved this topic to "General Swingers" forum. __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

11-14-2002, 12:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
OhioCouple Retired Mod Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	Magnolia, Have you talked with your husband about your shock, or are you just playing along? Certainly this would be shocking, but as you said you are not against any same sex, sex...(wow did that make sense?) I personally have no disagreement with same sex relations although I know there are many that do. Lori __________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

11-14-2002, 01:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 24,502 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 75	Since you hubby was the one that brought it up in the first place what makes you think that the stigma will keep him from following through? This is something just between the two of you really (and whatever guy you invite to join you), so there really shouldn't be any stigman involved. He's already made it through the hard part (IMO) and that's expressing his desires to you (when he didn't know how you would react). __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

11-22-2002, 12:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
Magnolia Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 17 Location: USA	I believe his fears may be in how he thinks I will react (I personally find it erotic and he knows this) and how he will react if he does enjoy the interaction. There is also the problem with finding a man who is truly bi-sexual. True bi-sexual women are also difficult to find. Many will say that they are and they really aren't. Since we have read so many topics regarding where men will say they are bi-sexual just to get in the lady's panties, they are not. So I suppose it is no different between sexes. He knows that I have always wanted to have a single male with us and this is how he has agreed for this to happen. So if we make a poor choice the first time out, it could spell disaster for ever having another single male. (I don't care if the single male is bi or not, it is just something I have always wanted to experience.) For now we are continuing to talk about it and keep reading. When he comes to the realization that one of two things are going to happen, he will either decide he did not care for it and won't care to persue it again, or he will decide that he enjoyed it and will be open to the experience again. Which ever it is, neither makes him gay. Maybe that is where the real problem lies. Magnolia

11-22-2002, 02:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
youngish56 Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 68 Location: Florida Status: couple	Just a couple of initial thought reactions to your question. I'm straight male and admit somewhat intolerant of male gays - but not lesbians. The result of our society I'm afraid. I wonder if he might be afraid to find he has more male interest than he has admitted to you or himself. I myself, am able to identify this thought in myself during some MFM experiences, but I've never felt so strong an urge to explore as your man. Traditionally, in the old battle between "fear" and "hunger", hunger wins out. Best wishes on this adventure.

11-22-2002, 04:07 PM	#8 (permalink)
TeamSoBe Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 507 Location: South Beach, Florida Status: M. Half of Couple	Haha, Youngish, you sound exactly like a guy that has managed to talk his girl into trying a threesome with another girl and he's worried something will go wrong and she won't do it again. Experimenting with guys is really hard for a guy because we're so worried about what everybody will think about us. Even though you say that you're supportive, make sure that you go out of your way to let him know that you mean it. My wife specifically likes seeing guy/guy action and we live in the middle of South Beach so I know she has nothing against gay men. Even in that situation I still get really self-conscious about letting my guard down and experimenting with guys, it's really hard. It's also awfully difficult to find an appropriate guy to experiment with. Bisexual men are not exactly prized like bi girls are. The gay community overtly discriminates against bisexual men, and obviously straight people do too. Finding a truly bisexual man that is open enough about it for you to be able to find him and who you are also both attracted to really isn't a simple thing. People act like it's hard to find bisexual girls, but single bi girls grow on trees compared to decent, non-creepy bi men.

11-22-2002, 06:13 PM	#9 (permalink)
youngish56 Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 68 Location: Florida Status: couple	South Beach Dude ? I obviously didn't explain my thought clearly. I was hoping to say that the male who mentions a male interest to his wife might have a fear of finding out for himself that he likes sex with men more than women. Then to follow that fear a little further, lose interest in the loving sexual relationship he has with his wife. I admit I may be reaching, but I like to blurt out my thoughts before I have time to second think them. The anonymity of this post helps allow that to be an acceptable style.

11-22-2002, 08:38 PM	#13 (permalink)
youngish56 Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 68 Location: Florida Status: couple	Magnolia, the answer to your question whether I would have similar suspicions if it were my wife and another woman is -no. I am only trying to offer from my own experience. My wife would have to voice an opinion from her own experience to be valid regarding women.Certainly not suggesting my experience applies to your situation. I hope you'll receive my rambling thoughts for what they are. I've experienced the feelings I've described and expressed them only as more data for others' computers to analyze. Hopefully you can understand that on a site like this it is impossible to know the mindset of the questioner or the answerer. Some of us like to discuss everything without limits. Some of us want to hear only socially assuring posts. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Best wishes to you and yours.

11-23-2002, 11:45 AM	#14 (permalink)
sportync Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 232 Location: eastern north carolina	Magnolia, you must remember that the only people who will have any idea of what is going on is the three of you, so I wouldn't worry too much about any stigma. If it's something that you two wish to explore together, then go for it. As far as him deciding that he likes this better than what he had with you....I wouldn't worry about it one bit. Yor are the one he married. There is a lot more to that relationship than sex-organs rubbing together. That is one small part of the relationship, so I don't think you need to worry that he will suddenly turn gay and leave you for his new guy. You might not be able to find a like-minded bi-guy right off the bat, but I would say that you ought to go for the threesome anyway, because even if nothing happens between the guys(and it might not), you will still have a ball having 2 guys to please you. Go for it, and enjoy. Sportync __________________ this ain't no dress rehearsal

12-27-2002, 06:58 PM	#15 (permalink)
lasvegasgal57 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 2 Location: Las Vegas Status: Couple	I agree with most Hi I have to say that I agree with most of the posts here. I for one see the interest my husband has regarding another man. I for one would like to see him and another man together, as long as he is willing to let me be there. I find the thought of him and another man together extremely exciting. I do not believe that once he tried this that he would give up women, but a person should always explore their interests, and I believe this is one of his, so I would like to support him in it. I sent him this topic review so he could see once and for all that I am ok with it. lasvegasgal57 __________________ Live Life To The Fullest!!!

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