How to be more assertive at club or in the bedroom?

**mrs good times** · 05-02-2004, 11:42 PM

We have been involved in the "club scene" for several months and have learned that it is the female of the couple that "closes the deal". We both find it very easy to introduce ourselves and chat with other couples but the only time we have actually played is when they ask us.

I am not accustomed to to being the aggressor and asking someones else for sex. I am used to being persued and luckily we have met others that are better at this than we are so we have had encounters.

However recently we have had the following happen:
We are chatting with a nice couple for an hour or more and another couple will join in on the conversation. Suddenly we realize they are hooking up and we are left standing by ourselves. It finally dawned on me that it was because the other two ladies would go to the bar for a drink or off to the ladies room and cut a deal.

Women have walked up to Mr. and said things like "you are not playing with me enough" or straight out grab his dick. I am not comfortable doing this.

How do I learn this art of being the aggressor?

05-03-2004, 01:40 AM

Quote:

How do I learn this art of being the aggressor?

I am not sure if it can be learned.

I have never been an agressor. Ever.

But I have started to since swinging.

Meeting people in a "vanilla" enviroment I would NEVER bring up sex.

But when we meet people we have met thru the lifestyle and I think all is going good, I will ask Mrs naughty if she is game when we get a minute alone.
If she is I will bring up sex after a little internal pep talk (which I have talked about in another thread).
I tell myself: "Self, these people are here for the same reason you are, SEX, if they weren't interested then they wouldnt still be talkng with us.

Then out it comes, sex talk.

There isnt a canned line I use since evey situation is different. I tailor the talk for the situation at hand and see where it goes......

MR_NO_SWEAT · 05-03-2004, 04:52 AM

Practice with your husband. Pretend he was a stranger and be real aggressive with him it may help you loosen up when you are around strangers.

C&D · 05-03-2004, 08:58 AM

It's just a learning curve that may take a little time to get use to. C is the same way. It takes her a little while to get comfortable. Matter of fact she did something this weekend that is totally uncharactoristic of her...she was the first one naked which pretty much told everyone what was about to take place. That doesn't mean she'll do the same the next time but it's nice to see that side of her starting to surface.

Sure you may loose out on some playtime but it's not something that you can force. It just takes a little time for you to get comfortable being in that role. You can however start with someone that you've played with before and are already comfortable with. Next time ya'll are together try being the first one to break the ice and see how that goes.

CandD

**good times** · 05-03-2004, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MR_NO_SWEAT
Practice with your husband. Pretend he was a stranger and be real aggressive with him it may help you loosen up when you are around strangers.

I think I could really warm up to this idea.

De and Ci · 05-03-2004, 08:44 PM

As your chatting with this couple, start becoming more and more touchy-feely, touching the other guys leg, getting closer and so on. You should get the vibes from the other couple if they like it. Then, simply suggest you all go somewhere to "party"

Chemistry_0518 · 05-03-2004, 11:33 PM

Please keep in mind that having a woman come forward for what she wants is a tremendously exciting experience. For some really dumb reason, our society has taught us that it is the man who opens the doors, holds the chairs, and asks for the dance. As such, men have gotten used to the idea that there is a chance for rejection. Women are not used to the possibility of rejection and that is the main reason why you are uncomfortable in trying.

But in this instance your chances of rejection are relatively slim. So my suggestion is that when you see something you want, go for it. You will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is and how good the results can be.

Brit_Pair · 05-04-2004, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Chemistry_0518
For some really dumb reason, our society has taught us that it is the man who opens the doors, holds the chairs, and asks for the dance.

Well, the female of the species is more deadly than the male . . .

EternallySingle · 05-04-2004, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Chemistry_0518
Please keep in mind that having a woman come forward for what she wants is a tremendously exciting experience. For some really dumb reason, our society has taught us that it is the man who opens the doors, holds the chairs, and asks for the dance. As such, men have gotten used to the idea that there is a chance for rejection. Women are not used to the possibility of rejection and that is the main reason why you are uncomfortable in trying.

But in this instance your chances of rejection are relatively slim. So my suggestion is that when you see something you want, go for it. You will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is and how good the results can be.

I think it has less to do with rejection than with aggression. Taking on the aggressive role is difficult for women because they haven't been taught how to balance aggression and tenacity with fairness and teamwork the same way or for as long as boys have. Girls aren't taught that lesson until they are in their teens. Boys are taught that lesson from the time they first start interacting with other children. Try playing team sports with groups of men (no, gangbangs don't count) like flag football or softball and you'll get more comfortable talking to men on our level. After that, asking for sex will be easier. Don't know why, but all the women I know who do this easily are tomboys.

fun_pairTX · 05-04-2004, 09:36 AM

It's just a matter of making the request fit the circumstance or the other couple. With a more conservative couple either Mrs Fun or I will say something like "Would you like to move to a more private setting?" Or if they are a bit more outrageous like we are (hopefully they are) "So do ya figure it's time to drop the drawers or what?"

MattMann · 05-04-2004, 10:45 AM

I usually stand and raise one hand ceremoniously and proclaim: "let the fucking commence!"

GirlieZ · 05-04-2004, 12:08 PM

mmm....I'll never forget the time....

The summer after I graduated high school was a particularly fun one for me. I met my husband that summer....

Anyways...one of my conquests this summer was this particularly hot guy--older than me (by a few years). I always kept my cool, didn't make myself seem too eager to fuck this guys brains out. I tried to be a lot of fun to be around. We'd hang out a lot...and I would flirt with him--with my eyes, my lips -not necessarily saying anything to him. He would always touch me...but not sexually....rubbing my shoulders..."goosing" my waist. Well one evening we went swimming--skinnydipping--with a group of mutual friends. He was there~~I was there just kinda minding my own business. He disappears and the next thing I know he's treading water right behind me....slips his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him~~whispers in my ear "I really want to fuck your brains out--why don't we make ourselves scarce?" He then proceeded to truly show me what he had to offer. We quickly made our excuses--That was my first highly erotic experience.

The next came when I met my hubby...

Soooo....I really love it when someone whispers in my ear--exactly what they want to do to me....

Zgirl

**mrs good times** · 05-04-2004, 08:51 PM

Thanks for the responses everyone. Fun pair, I like the way you think. Eternally Single, I do interact with men in a sports related area frequently but I feel out of my eliment when it comes to this issue. I see what others do but I cannot seem to figure out when or if the time is right. By the time I analyze the shit out of it it's too late.

WA_Cple · 05-05-2004, 01:39 AM

Interesting topic and great suggestions.

Fun_pair - you are so crazy... I can just imagine that happening!

My hubby is the shy one in the family so I am normally the person who does the 'aggressing' including chasing after him long enough to make him mine!

We should start a post with our best one liners hehe

Mrs WA

fun_pairTX · 05-05-2004, 11:15 AM

Mrs WA,

We aren't crazy, we jus calls em as we sees em. It keeps life real simple.

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05-02-2004, 11:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
mrs good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,163 Location: Reno, NV Status: couple SLS Name:randp	How to be more assertive at club or in the bedroom? We have been involved in the "club scene" for several months and have learned that it is the female of the couple that "closes the deal". We both find it very easy to introduce ourselves and chat with other couples but the only time we have actually played is when they ask us. I am not accustomed to to being the aggressor and asking someones else for sex. I am used to being persued and luckily we have met others that are better at this than we are so we have had encounters. However recently we have had the following happen: We are chatting with a nice couple for an hour or more and another couple will join in on the conversation. Suddenly we realize they are hooking up and we are left standing by ourselves. It finally dawned on me that it was because the other two ladies would go to the bar for a drink or off to the ladies room and cut a deal. Women have walked up to Mr. and said things like "you are not playing with me enough" or straight out grab his dick. I am not comfortable doing this. How do I learn this art of being the aggressor? __________________ One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains it original dimensions.

05-04-2004, 12:08 PM	#12 (permalink)
GirlieZ Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 241 Location: Ohio Status: Couple	asking for sex mmm....I'll never forget the time.... The summer after I graduated high school was a particularly fun one for me. I met my husband that summer.... Anyways...one of my conquests this summer was this particularly hot guy--older than me (by a few years). I always kept my cool, didn't make myself seem too eager to fuck this guys brains out. I tried to be a lot of fun to be around. We'd hang out a lot...and I would flirt with him--with my eyes, my lips -not necessarily saying anything to him. He would always touch me...but not sexually....rubbing my shoulders..."goosing" my waist. Well one evening we went swimming--skinnydipping--with a group of mutual friends. He was there~~I was there just kinda minding my own business. He disappears and the next thing I know he's treading water right behind me....slips his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him~~whispers in my ear "I really want to fuck your brains out--why don't we make ourselves scarce?" He then proceeded to truly show me what he had to offer. We quickly made our excuses--That was my first highly erotic experience. The next came when I met my hubby... Soooo....I really love it when someone whispers in my ear--exactly what they want to do to me.... Zgirl

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05-03-2004, 04:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
MR_NO_SWEAT Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1 Location: Southern Calif Status: Couple	Practice with your husband. Pretend he was a stranger and be real aggressive with him it may help you loosen up when you are around strangers.

05-03-2004, 08:58 AM	#4 (permalink)
C&D Here to Stay Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 60 Location: Tyler, TX Status: Couple SLS Name:CandD3	It's just a learning curve that may take a little time to get use to. C is the same way. It takes her a little while to get comfortable. Matter of fact she did something this weekend that is totally uncharactoristic of her...she was the first one naked which pretty much told everyone what was about to take place. That doesn't mean she'll do the same the next time but it's nice to see that side of her starting to surface. Sure you may loose out on some playtime but it's not something that you can force. It just takes a little time for you to get comfortable being in that role. You can however start with someone that you've played with before and are already comfortable with. Next time ya'll are together try being the first one to break the ice and see how that goes. CandD

05-03-2004, 08:44 PM	#6 (permalink)
De and Ci Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 182 Location: Austin TX Status: happily married	As your chatting with this couple, start becoming more and more touchy-feely, touching the other guys leg, getting closer and so on. You should get the vibes from the other couple if they like it. Then, simply suggest you all go somewhere to "party"

05-03-2004, 11:33 PM	#7 (permalink)
Chemistry_0518 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 158 Location: Suffern NY Status: Couple SLS Name:Chemistry_0518	Please keep in mind that having a woman come forward for what she wants is a tremendously exciting experience. For some really dumb reason, our society has taught us that it is the man who opens the doors, holds the chairs, and asks for the dance. As such, men have gotten used to the idea that there is a chance for rejection. Women are not used to the possibility of rejection and that is the main reason why you are uncomfortable in trying. But in this instance your chances of rejection are relatively slim. So my suggestion is that when you see something you want, go for it. You will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is and how good the results can be.

05-04-2004, 09:36 AM	#10 (permalink)
fun_pairTX Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 1,185 Location: Ennis, Texas Status: Couple	It's just a matter of making the request fit the circumstance or the other couple. With a more conservative couple either Mrs Fun or I will say something like "Would you like to move to a more private setting?" Or if they are a bit more outrageous like we are (hopefully they are) "So do ya figure it's time to drop the drawers or what?"

05-04-2004, 10:45 AM	#11 (permalink)
MattMann Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 185 Location: NC Status: Married Man	I usually stand and raise one hand ceremoniously and proclaim: "let the fucking commence!"

05-04-2004, 08:51 PM	#13 (permalink)
mrs good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,163 Location: Reno, NV Status: couple SLS Name:randp	Thanks for the responses everyone. Fun pair, I like the way you think. Eternally Single, I do interact with men in a sports related area frequently but I feel out of my eliment when it comes to this issue. I see what others do but I cannot seem to figure out when or if the time is right. By the time I analyze the shit out of it it's too late.

05-05-2004, 01:39 AM	#14 (permalink)
WA_Cple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 139 Location: Washington State Status: Couple SLS Name:WA_Cple	Interesting topic and great suggestions. Fun_pair - you are so crazy... I can just imagine that happening! My hubby is the shy one in the family so I am normally the person who does the 'aggressing' including chasing after him long enough to make him mine! We should start a post with our best one liners hehe Mrs WA

05-05-2004, 11:15 AM	#15 (permalink)
fun_pairTX Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 1,185 Location: Ennis, Texas Status: Couple	Mrs WA, We aren't crazy, we jus calls em as we sees em. It keeps life real simple.