How to increase female libido

[MrsO 15]

Hi! I'm new to this website and I'm here because my husband wants to get into swinging and I'm dragging my feet. I have read a lot of posts on a variety of topics and I'm impressed . . . and overwhelmed . . . . with all the responses. So many are well thought-out and sincere.

 

I have a very low libido/desire for sex, am 61, and married for 30 years. My husband is of the opinion that if I have sex with other men my sex drive will increase. He wants me to be a "sexual animal" who will want/enjoy/crave sex. My question is, do any of you have suggestions/advice/ideas for how I can increase my libido? Thanks for your help!

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

First, welcome. This is a great resource for all sorts of information related to swinging and I hope you find a bunch of it useful.

 

Given your age, I'm guessing you're post-menopausal. Your low libido indicates you're probably either not on any sort of hormone replacement therapy or that it isn't particularly effective. In a way, your husband is correct, because trace amounts of testosterone can be passed from men to women, which can increase desire. However, I don't think he meant for men to be used for hormone replacement.

 

I actually have two suggestions, both directed toward rebalancing your hormones. The first is that you find a naturopath (or less likely, a physician) who specializes in bio-identical hormones. You'll know you're on the right path if the person you find orders a complete set of tests for everything from DHEA and vitamin D (which is actually a hormone) to free T3 and T4 and free testosterone. And then starts you on a hormone replacement regimen that takes into account all of your test results.

 

The second is that you pick up a copy of a book called The Hormone Diet, by a Canadian naturopath called Natasha Turner. Even if you're completely uninterested in her suggestions around diet and supplements, it's an educational and informative book that will give you a lot to think about.

 

Good luck!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,019]

Mauijanedoe has offered some excellent and well-informed advice. My personal observation is that swing lifestyle should not be proposed as a solution to anything, You either fit into it or you do not fit into it.

 

Glad you've joined us here at Swingersboard.

 

WELCOME

 

~Michael

[cplnuswing 4,711]

 

Great to have you here!

 

I don't think swinging has anything to do with baseline libido. Being involved in a good swinging experience does often result in being highly aroused, but the effects are acute, not chronic. I don't think one can string together acute benefits to address a chronic issue that is biochemical. It sounds like you have received some really good advice from someone who knows what they are talking about, so I would pursue those avenues and see if they help.

[grayfox42104 38]

Take the advice given here. My wife is 63 years old and we have been married for 44 years. She takes Estratest which is a combination of Estrogen and Methyltestosterone as hormone replacement therapy. She is sexier, hotter, and hornier than she has ever been in our marriage and we think the Estratest is the reason. She has always liked sex, but now she wants it every day, has become very multi-orgasmic, and now even squirts some of the time. Go for it.

[twistedpretzels 100]

I don't think it is an 'answer' but i think it is great you are so opened minded as to look into it. Perhaps just being 'in the environment around like minded people' you will find some zip. the other thing is your libido may be just what and where it is at and there is nothing wrong with that if YOU are happy with it. pete's drive can be a bit higher than mine at times and if we go to a party and he wants to mess with someone it is cool with me because then i get some awful awesome off the hook sex afterwards and we consider it a win win situation (it has also go the other way too)... anyway, keep reading and welcome!

[C@YWMI 15]

My wife has had a problems with blood clots in the past. so she shouldnt use most hormone replacements, does anyone know of a safe substitute for her?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

My wife has had a problems with blood clots in the past. so she shouldnt use most hormone replacements, does anyone know of a safe substitute for her?

 

Your best bet is to find an MD or naturopath that specializes in women's health to help navigate the challenge. There is a nonprofit called Women in Balance (womeninbalance.com) that will assist in finding someone well versed in bioidentical hormones in your area.

[C@YWMI 15]

Thanx for your reply maui we will look into this.and thanks to the OP for bringing up this topic

[Mareellen 66]

I have used spirulina(blue green algae) in the past and it made me horny as all get out!!!! You can find it in health food stores and it all natural. Get it in the pill form and take 6 a day,all at once. You can do them separately. It takes a few days for it to take affect.

 

good luck

[funcoupledayton 2,707]

The suggestions to talk to a Dr or naturopath are great.

 

Here are some other things you can do.

1. Exercise - Exercise increases libido, stamina and self-image. I started exercising daily a few years ago and it made a huge difference for me.

 

2. Masturbate - Get a good lube and if you want a vibrator or use your hand. For women, the more orgasms you have, the more you want.

 

3. French kiss - When you exchange saliva with a man you get a bit of testosterone which boosts libido.

 

4. Spend time everyday being intimate with your husband. It doesn't have to involve sex, but it may lead to it. Try massages, or bathe or shower together. Cuddle nude. Make out.

 

I think you have to have a good sex life before you start swinging. It won't fix anything within a marriage, but it can be a lot of fun and very intimate if you are in a good place.

 

I'm glad you came here. This forum is a great resource. Look forward to hearing how things go for you.

[Chicup 38]

Let my scientific bias come out here, but I'd rather do a google search on a topic than talk to a "naturopath". A few states allow them to prescribe drugs that actually work beyond a placebo and they are untrained to do so in those places they can.

 

If you want to find a doctor who is more willing to jump into more hormone replacement therapies look up local doctors who are specialized in anti-aging.

[MrsO 15]

Wow! What great responses! You all have given me some ideas that I will try. I am very nervous about hormone replacement therapy - "female" cancers scare the beejeebers out of me! If I could find something "natural," that would be the way to go. I do use Premarin cream, but that doesn't affect libido, at least not mine. Some of you have hinted at (without knowing it) that relationship issues may be a factor, too. I come from a pretty "religious" background and so swinging, although obviously many people enjoy it, well, I'm having a hard time getting into it. I hope more people respond with more suggestions. I have read all your posts with great interest.

[DigginIt 1,132]

There are a few threads here around religion and swinging and while I have found many to be great reading, the opinions around this subject are widely varied from god will still love you to become an atheist and relax.

 

Here are my thoughts and I'm taking religion out of the equation (mostly). Most of us, when we were younger and single, had no problems sleeping around. Then we get married and all of a sudden we started looking down on those around us who were not. I think we have been conditioned since we were children that eventually, we all are going to grow up, get married and live the rest of our lives happily ever after. We put phrases in our vows like "forsaking all others" and "what god has joined together, let no man put asunder" and other things that fortify those beliefs. I'm not saying that Swinging is right or wrong, just that you have a lot to overcome as a Christian to even consider doing it.

 

Swingers do however share a common thread and that is that none of them believe what they are doing is cheating because they are doing it together. I see my married friends (vanilla) and the spouses hide money from each other, do things without the others knowledge and they would look at me like the devil himself if they knew the wife and I had sex with others and yet they see nothing wrong with what they are doing themselves. At least I recognize what I'm doing and I accept it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[weloveeachother 29]

Swingers do however share a common thread and that is that none of them believe what they are doing is cheating because they are doing it together. I see my married friends (vanilla) and the spouses hide money from each other, do things without the others knowledge and they would look at me like the devil himself if they knew the wife and I had sex with others and yet they see nothing wrong with what they are doing themselves. At least I recognize what I'm doing and I accept it.

 

Very well put DigginIt!

[Gordo 617]

The "new relationship" buzz can up the libido a great deal. But I wouldn't do it just for that reason.

[MrsO 15]

Are there any good books/resources to read that enlighten or educate you about the lifestyle and/or ideas for increasing desire? Thanks in advance!

[BiloxiCouple 694]

Just do her chores for a day or two. That should get the libido going!

[MrsO 15]

Well, BiloxiCouple, that's a wonderful idea, but he's telling me that it's my responsibility and I have to fix the problem and it has nothing to do with him.

[funcoupledayton 2,707]

Well, BiloxiCouple, that's a wonderful idea, but he's telling me that it's my responsibility and I have to fix the problem and it has nothing to do with him.

 

If that is his attitude I would strongly advise against swinging. I would consider seeing a marriage counselor and a sex therapist together or by yourself.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Well, BiloxiCouple, that's a wonderful idea, but he's telling me that it's my responsibility and I have to fix the problem and it has nothing to do with him.

 

Ah, well, in that case, i suspect a book won't help much. However, if you're interested in being more sexual for your own sake, I'd again recommend The Hormone Diet, which addresses libido quite extensively. Julie, the mistress of Swingers Board, wrote a terrific book on swinging, but it will be most useful to couples who understand they're in a joint venture.

[LFM2 1,481]

Well, BiloxiCouple, that's a wonderful idea, but he's telling me that it's my responsibility and I have to fix the problem and it has nothing to do with him.

 

 

Out of curiosity, is your husband a follower here? Does he share a profile with you or have one of his own?

[MrsO 15]

LFM2, he does not share a profile with me here and if he has one of his own here, I don't know about it.

[LFM2 1,481]

LFM2, he does not share a profile with me here and if he has one of his own here, I don't know about it.

 

OK... I'm sensing a lot of disrespect from him regarding your libido. I'm not blaming him. He's just wanting more sex. He might want the mix up that swinging offers. Does he offer any fantasies for sharing with you? Is his mind conjuring up a different woman every night?

 

I have a very low libido/desire for sex, am 61, and married for 30 years. My husband is of the opinion that if I have sex with other men my sex drive will increase. He wants me to be a "sexual animal" who will want/enjoy/crave sex. My question is, do any of you have suggestions/advice/ideas for how I can increase my libido? Thanks for your help!

 

Your libido is yours. Do you want to do something about it and wish it was revved up a bit more? If so, I suggest seeing a physician. A D.O. or an M.D. I have experience in post-menopause decreased libido. It kinda sucked for a while. I am also taking estratest. It's good stuff. Has helped in the sex department. I am on a very low dose, but it's still so much better than it was.

 

I also know a woman who hasn't had sex in 30 years. She's about your age. Can you imagine not having sex at 31? I really can't, but she's happier than a pig in mud with no sex (or men) in her life. It's not the kind of life I'd want, but to each their own.

 

Now, as far as him not having anything to do with your libido is not really true. It's nice when you have their respect, their support and their love and understanding when you're wanting to change things.

 

Hi! I'm new to this website and I'm here because my husband wants to get into swinging and I'm dragging my feet.

 

Is there any other reason that you're dragging your feet other than you have a low libido, or is it the complexities of swinging in general?

[MrsO 15]

Is there any other reason that you're dragging your feet other than you have a low libido, or is it the complexities of swinging in general? You're pretty perceptive, LFM2! The complexities scare me a lot! As far as the low libido, rx HRTs make me really nervous (side effects), so, something natural would be better. That said, a lot of this is in the head.

Does he offer any fantasies for sharing with you? Is his mind conjuring up a different woman every night? He shares all kinds of fantasies with me - they all involve him watching me with other people. He has said he's not especially interested in himself being with other women, he wants to watch me. When I've said I want to be with only him, he responds with that doesn't work for him. When I've agreed to go to clubs with him, he has said there's no point in going if I don't engage other partners - he's not paying to go if I don't "do" anything.

I've read so many posts on this website and profiles on SLS where couples say they are so in love with each other and won't do anything that each other isn't comfortable with. I'm trying to not be a rigid prude, but I have boundaries that I'm feeling confused and guilty about. One day I say to myself "Get over it and just do it" and then the next day I'll say "But I can't." Needleless to say, the seesaw effect is driving us both crazy. Yes, we have been to counseling. It wasn't very helpful. I'm open to any and all suggestions!

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I think most of us embrace the concept of only going so fast as the slower half of the couple. That pretty much means that if you have reservations and concerns, they need to be respected by both of you. If that means you never swing, that might cause some conflict, but that's a much better option than violating your standards and being unable to live with the consequences.

 

By refusing to pay for a club visit unless you agree to have sex with others, your husband is being woefully short sighted. It might help to solidify something for you and at least lessen the back and forth, because knowledge is power, and that's pretty much priceless.

 

You might look up womeninbalance.org. They are a non-profit organization dedicated to education around women's hormonal issues. They might be able to allay some of your fears around HRT, because it's not so alarming a situation as you might have heard.

[MrsO 15]

Thank you, Mauijanedoe! You've been a wonderful resource and source of encouragement! I'll check out the website.

[funcoupledayton 2,707]

Is there any other reason that you're dragging your feet other than you have a low libido, or is it the complexities of swinging in general? You're pretty perceptive, LFM2! The complexities scare me a lot! As far as the low libido, rx HRTs make me really nervous (side effects), so, something natural would be better. That said, a lot of this is in the head.

Does he offer any fantasies for sharing with you? Is his mind conjuring up a different woman every night? He shares all kinds of fantasies with me - they all involve him watching me with other people. He has said he's not especially interested in himself being with other women, he wants to watch me. When I've said I want to be with only him, he responds with that doesn't work for him. When I've agreed to go to clubs with him, he has said there's no point in going if I don't engage other partners - he's not paying to go if I don't "do" anything.

I've read so many posts on this website and profiles on SLS where couples say they are so in love with each other and won't do anything that each other isn't comfortable with. I'm trying to not be a rigid prude, but I have boundaries that I'm feeling confused and guilty about. One day I say to myself "Get over it and just do it" and then the next day I'll say "But I can't." Needleless to say, the seesaw effect is driving us both crazy. Yes, we have been to counseling. It wasn't very helpful. I'm open to any and all suggestions!

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I think if you do go out and have sex with someone else you will end up feeling very bad and confused. It just doesn't sound like you have a supportive partner for that type of endeavor. What if he gets jealous? What if no one is interested? Will he blame you?

 

This is not something you can just "get over" and do. You either want to or you don't. If you don't it's sexual assault or emotional prostitution.

 

We pay to go to the club all the time. We go about once a month. We're in our late 30's, in pretty good shape, love sex and know a lot of people there. We probably only play with someone else a third of the times we go. We still have a wonderful time together. If your husband expects you to go to a club for the first time, pick someone up and have sex with them, I think he's really living in a fantasy world.

 

I would suggest you have your husband read these forums and ask questions.

 

I'd also suggest he take some responsibility for your combined sex life. Try together to do something intimate everyday. Alternate giving each other sexual favors.

 

You need to have a good foundation to swing. If not, you will be unhappy or split up or both.

 

Sorry.

[twistedpretzels 100]

So many great suggestions and support here-- I'm sure you will find your way IN TIME. Our journey has had its issues but Pete and I are finally on the same page. (see my old posts if you like) Currently I am the one who generally (not all the time) finds us partners. This has resulted in more action for Pete (lol). Our situation was complicated since we lived 2.5 hours apart (committed couple) and with the time we did have I was more interested in having sex with Pete than random guys (moving to his town on Friday--woot! woot!). And at this point Pete is more interested in having sex with others than I-- We have gone to parties where I hung out and socialized and he HUNG out and SOCIALIZED (lol). All of this was not easy and took a lot of pre talk and post talk and of course writing to SwingersBoard and processing. I have learned there are no hard and fast rules but many GREAT suggestions from folks here. Pete and I are finally having mutual fun but it has been a lot of work.... which has brought us closer. I hope your husband has read your posts and replies you have discussed the input of others. Best wishes and keep us posted!

[cplnuswing 4,711]

When I've agreed to go to clubs with him, he has said there's no point in going if I don't engage other partners - he's not paying to go if I don't "do" anything.

 

The surest way to not have a good time at a club is to go with anything other than one expectation, and that is to have a fun night out together. We never go with the expectation of anything other than that, and we have never had anything other than a great time. Swinging is not quite the free for all that many think it is, and based on what you have said, it would probably be fair to include your husband in that many.

 

This is not something you can just "get over" and do. You either want to or you don't.

 

This is true. Feeling torn and anxiety the first time (and even beyond that) is normal I think, but if there is an underlying interest of some degree of wanting to do it, then yes, at some point, you just have to say the heck with it, overcome your fears, and take the plunge. If you wait for the day when there is no anxiety, it will never come. But, if there is NO level of wanting to do it yourself, instead it's all because he wants you to, then you just need to once and for all make it clear it's not somewhere you are willing to go, not now, not ever.

[LFM2 1,481]

He shares all kinds of fantasies with me - they all involve him watching me with other people. He has said he's not especially interested in himself being with other women, he wants to watch me. When I've said I want to be with only him, he responds with that doesn't work for him. When I've agreed to go to clubs with him, he has said there's no point in going if I don't engage other partners - he's not paying to go if I don't "do" anything.

 

I've read so many posts on this website and profiles on SLS where couples say they are so in love with each other and won't do anything that each other isn't comfortable with. I'm trying to not be a rigid prude, but I have boundaries that I'm feeling confused and guilty about. One day I say to myself "Get over it and just do it" and then the next day I'll say "But I can't." Needleless to say, the seesaw effect is driving us both crazy. Yes, we have been to counseling. It wasn't very helpful. I'm open to any and all suggestions!

 

My suggestion would be to NOT go to a club or anywhere else for that matter. Sounds like there are no baby steps for this guy. He's wanting to jump in both feet first and then suffer the consequences later.

 

The bottom line is don't engage in anything if you're not comfortable with it. Please don't jeopardize your conscience and do something you're not ready for. Things need to be thought out and talked through thoroughly.

 

Most of those SLS profiles are probably right. I am madly in love with my husband. We don't do anything the other isn't comfortable with and we both have veto power. If one of us is a bit uneasy, we both back out. You're not a rigid prude, but your husband sounds like a bully. Being disrespectful of your feelings and your comfort zone is not cool. If you're having this inner dialogue of doing it or not doing it, you're not ready.

 

A lot of people think that swinging is a free-for-all. It's not. We've never gone to a party with expectations on our minds. Our only expectation is to have fun -- which we do. If something happens, well then, we had a little icing on our cake. If it didn't happen, we come home and make our own fun.

 

If your husband wants to keep pushing you into something you're not ready to do, don't do it. Why in the hell you'd push for someone to do something they're not ready for is beyond me. I can't quite wrap my head around it. Maybe it wouldn't hurt for him to come here and get a little advice of his own. What you're describing would push me further and further away from swinging and from him. Don't feel bad for rejecting his idea of "fun". His fantasy is a common one, but he's spurring you a little too much.

 

 

Jeez, I'm opinionated!

[LFM2 1,481]

MrsO, if you're around or you read this, please tell us how things have developed since you last posted.

[usmcmark57 15]

I live where blue green algae is harvested thanks for info

[narxnxx 15]

I learned so much from this!