Daughter knocked at our door

[VanHlebar]

It has been a long time since I have posted here, but the board has always been great in providing advice on life questions and lifestyle questions.

Just before Christmas we had probably the most embarrassing event to have ever happened to MrsVan and I since we have been together. MrsVan is a little on the vocal side when we have sex and we so when we set up our current house we put her daughters as far away from our room as possible. We had an evening schedule for MrsVan, our GF and her husband and that same night we did our gift exchange with them before they left the next day for the holiday. We came home very late, wrapped up all the kids gifts and set them by the tree as we where doing our family Christmas on the 24th. We finally got to bed about 2:30am. As has always been our way, after a play session we come back to each other and make love.

MrsVan was not overly vocal this particular evening I did not think, but while I was giving her oral, her youngest daughter came stomping down the hall and banged on our door! After doing that she yells out "You guys need to STOP!!" Needless to day this was quite the shock, we thought the kids where already asleep and she was attempting to be quiet. MrsVan eventually went down to talk to her youngest (14yrs old) and during the conversation her youngest started yelling at her and told her that we are "not to do that unless they are gone". Well this is just not feasible as they are gone only 2 maybe 4 nights a month. MrsVan talked to her oldest daughter (16yrs old) about this the following day. She said yes I have heard you at times, but what can I do about it?

Looking back on things now it makes sense. MrsVan's youngest daughter always gets mad anytime her and I show affection or love to each other. We are very loving around the house and have always been so, kissing, hugging and holding each other. I have basically raised the girls as MrsVan and I started dating when they where 2 and 4. We are basically looking for ideas of what we can do or how to talk with the youngest to make things more comfortable. She has been gone since the event happened visiting her father for the Christmas holiday, but she comes home this evening. We both understand her daughters complaint and MrsVan does need to make an effort to be a little more quiet, but that being said, bodies make noise..as does our bed.

We have currently talked with her and explained that sex is not bad, that is is just one of many ways that two people can show they love each other. We have explained that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex or even showing someone that you love them. We are at a loss as to how to handle this now. We thought about say turning on music or the tv, but that is also just announcing what we are doing. We have told her that if she hears us and does not want to listen to it, then maybe put her headphones on and listen to her ipod for a bit. Anyone have any other suggestions? Has anyone had to deal with anything like this?

Thanks,

-Van

[Mr. Truelove]

We play music not very loud at all. If they were next to our door they would hear music, but down the hall they wouldn't. Then, we just stay somewhat quiet. No complaints yet...

Our daughter might be like your 16 year old though and just not saying anything.

As for the bed... Lube isn't just for sex...

[Lascivious L&L]

Since your daughter has confronted you, she will be hyper aware of your love making in the future. This may be your most serious problem.

The physical issue of the sound can be dealt with by sound deadening methods. The single most important being sealing your bedroom door, as well as your children's doors. That can be done by weatherstripping the existing doors, making sure there is a sweep at the bottom of the doors so there are no airspaces for the sound to escape through. This will have the single biggest impact on sound transmission.

All avenues for sound should be investigated, such as ductwork, suspended ceilings and doors. The walls between your bedroom and your children's can be remodeled to decrease significantly the sound transmission. You could install exterior door systems as your bedroom doors since they are insulated and weatherstripped, muting the sound much more effectively. There is much building science in sound reduction.

[cplnuswing]

Tricky dilemma here. You guys are the adults and it's your house. Then again, they live in the house too and should be afforded respect. I think though that you are getting closer to the actual problem when you described her reaction whenever you guys show any outward signs of love and affection. The sex talk was good, and much to her resistance and embarrassment, we try to have those talks with our daughter who is about the same age, but in your case I'm not sure it was really getting at the true heart of the issue.

I think my approach would be to do my part by taking whatever simple steps I could to make your bedroom a more private part of the house to reduce the noise and try to be a little quieter when she is home. Then, I would try to get her to do her part by communicating with you and Mrs. Van what is really bothering her about your displays of affection, in the bedroom and out.

What would concern me the most I think is you have been a big part of their lives for many years now, and don't mention there being any other serious friction or issues between you. So, either she has just finally reached the age where she is willing to directly confront you both with the issue, or there is something else going on that she is having a hard time with. It's hard to get kids to really talk to you about things that concern them, but it's always worth a try and even though they seem like they may not be listening, they probably are much more than they are willing to let you know.

[Chicup]

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:t...arness.jpg&t=1

That should do it.

The problem is that sex is really a crazy issue for a lot of kids that age, and thinking about a parent having sex can make them quite literally unbalanced.

The Mrs. is a screamer, but she can tone it down when she needs to.

[LikeMinds321]

I really like cplnuswing's post. There is a lot of insight in his words.

Your daughter may not know how to express what all is bothering her, but I don't feel that hearing you have sex that night is the real issue. In all these years I would think she's heard you before. And at 14 it may be bothersome to hear parents making love, but she can put her ears in the pillow or turn up her radio to block out the sounds from your room.

I would consider what role your being away with your poly friends earlier in the evening may play in her outburst. Maybe she has some sense of how your attentions and affections have expanded in this past year to your poly friends. Maybe she has a suspicion about what is going on with them, sexually, that she can't deal with. Children are very perceptive, and what they perceive often comes through as a feeling, or emotion, before they ever understand what is happening on an intellectual level or through fact.

It is hard to get teens to talk, but it is important to try, and to let them know you are interested in how they feel.

LM

[bbarnsworth]

Humans have existed for millenia, with children being exposed to sex (via one form or another) from early ages. Iroquois lived in long huts, with dozens of people. They couldn't avoid others knowing they were having sex unless the only place they did so was well away from home. Cave people of thousands of years ago lived communally in large caves sometimes. Again, lots of people knew others were having sex.

I understand a desire to respect a child's wishes. To some extent, that should be done. But ultimately, it is your house to do with as you please. The issue here isn't the two of you having sex. It's your daughter's attitude towards sex that is the core problem. If you were to accede to her wishes, and never have sex again while she was in the house, think of the monster you will create; enforcing that sex between parents is bad, and that she has dominance over the household. I see a future husband being VERY frustrated with her that she won't have sex at home because the kids might hear. Wow.

Investigate issues of sound propagation as Lascivious suggested. If your bedroom is down a hallway from the main spaces of the house, consider adding a sound insulting door in the hallway. Etc. Etc.

More importantly, attempt to educate the child, maybe get some counseling independent of her from a family counselor as to how to approach this issue with a child, how to manage it, etc. You don't have to solve this issue alone.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I would consider what role your being away with your poly friends earlier in the evening may play in her outburst. Maybe she has some sense of how your attentions and affections have expanded in this past year to your poly friends. Maybe she has a suspicion about what is going on with them, sexually, that she can't deal with. Children are very perceptive, and what they perceive often comes through as a feeling, or emotion, before they ever understand what is happening on an intellectual level or through fact.

That would me my guess.

[Fundamental Law]

It's an interesting situation. At a guess, the frustration might not be about the sex, but about the fact that biological mom and dad are not together any more, and mom has found a different partner.

As the child of parents who divorced when I was young, I had my own frustrations with each of their subsequent marriages. Their relationships with their (new) spouses were a constant reminder that I was a leftover from a failed relationship. Fourteen can be a very vulnerable age for young women, as their romantic fantasies from the 'doll days' are being replaced with crushes on real boys.

My thought: give mom and daughter(s) a weekend to themselves. Let the conversations flow among them. See where it goes. Above all, make sure your stepdaughters know that while you might not be their biological father, they are loved unconditionally.

[lustylearning]

Yeah... you know what? IPOD is a great suggestion. We can take measures to keep our sex life private, but ultimately, in that situation, the kid's just gonna have to "get over it!"

[Randies']

Seal the doors, play loud music, insulate the walls and floors, all children of this age will still understand what is going on in there. Try the ipod for yourself to cover the sound of their knocking on the door.
lol

[MN Tom]

Yeah, I would agree to the thought that the girl is bothered by something else, and just lashed out on this.

It's not like she never heard you before, so why would she lash out now. Maybe it's that other gals in school are talking about sex, maybe she has feelings she's not understanding, who knows. Something is up though.

[bbarnsworth]

Just ran across this and thought of this thread. No intent to be insensitive to the 14 year old!

xkcd: Genetic Analysis

[essexcouple]

We have 3 kids, 4-13 and not a massive house, so I'm always aware that any noise from our love making might travel easily around the house. We always try and have sex after kids are in bed and asleep and we are aware of the noise that we make. But there have been time when I get carried away and at the end realise OMG that was pretty loud! And not just the bed springs! But I used to hear my parents at it sometimes, its just part of life isn't it?

[bbarnsworth]

Just a thought; maybe MLS listings should come with a soundproof rating for the master suite