I want to enjoy a passionate sex life with my wife again

[dontliketbbored]

New here and looking for some insight.

I would like some insight on a situation. I am hoping that another perspective will shed some light on this for me. My wife's views on sex are contradictory. I hate to be long winded but this seems to be the only way I can lay out what I am talking about. Please be patient.

My wife and I have been married close to 6 yrs, together 8. Our sex life was incredible at first (as with most if not everyone I am sure). From the beginning, before I even asked her to marry me, I told her that if she ever found herself in a situation where she was interested sexually in another person, she had my permission to enjoy herself if she so wanted. I had only one stipulation, not to be dishonest or secretive. I told her she had no reason to be. I am not a jealous person, in fact I am very open minded about sex. I have never pursued interests of my own however, because she has never given "me" permission.

I know of three instances where, indeed, she has enjoyed herself with another man. She has not admitted it of course, but the proof is irrefutable and quite solid. (People who cheat think they have all the bases covered but, they always make mistakes.) I gave her one chance to admit it and she denied it. so, I let it drop. Period. I am OK with it. Why however she feels it necessary to lie about it baffles me.

One year into our marriage, her son moved back in with us (he is now 22)and since that day, our sex life has been sporadic and mechanical to say the least. It is the same way every time with no exception. It is quite simply, on her part, accommodation. There is no other way to describe it other than boring and uninspiring. I have tried suggesting everything that I can think of that might bring some excitement back into our sex life. She won't hear of it. I'm told "that's just the way it is". When I try to talk with her about sex she quickly changes the subject. Sex is something she does not want to talk about. She acts like a nun when it comes to sex.

She has her fantasies, but refuses to relate them because "they're my fantasies. If I tell you, they don't belong to me anymore". Yet, I have caught her several times taking care of herself while she though I was asleep ( I can all ways tell when her toy has been used. It's kept in the closet in a cloth bag that you can always tell when it has been entered and she is constantly complaining about low batteries). Again, does not matter to me.

Now to the meat of the situation. About two months ago we attended a graduation party for the daughter of a longtime friend and coworker of hers. At the party, I happened to go the restroom and when I returned, my wife was talking to a man she obviously knew. No big deal. I sat down in my seat and continued to enjoyed the party as my wife and this guy chatted. After about two minutes she introduced him to me.

Now this, in itself, was really strange. My wife is terrible at introducing me to anyone. She always has been. But, on this occasion, she made it a point to introduce us in record time. He is a nice looking guy. So, after the introductions were out of the way, I let them chat for a while uninterrupted. When the wife excused herself and went to the restroom, the fellow began chatting with another fellow and then made his way around the party.

As she came out of the house I watched her as her eyes scanned to where he had been standing. When she saw he was not there her shoulders sagged and i saw her sigh. I watched her scan the yard and laughed to my self when I saw her eyes lite up when she found him. Casually she made her way over to where he was chatting with other party goers. She chatted for a few minutes then came back and sat down across the table with me.

It was then she began to tell me about her "old friend". How they all used to go out eating crabs and drinking beer. Etc, etc ... Then, out of the blue, she tells me this guy is a cheater. He cheats on his long time girl friend constantly. Now, that in itself is not something unusual to hear. Lots of guys do. We are after all human. But she was fixated on it.

To me however, what was unusual, was not what she was telling me, but how she was telling me. She kept whispering and repeating over and over again. " He's a cheater. A cheater. He's a cheater" She said it like this at least ten times. Not in a angry or judgmental way, but as though she was talking to a friend saying "isn't he hot! He's a player. I'd like to play with him". I really don't think she realized how she was coming across with this information. She had been drinking but, it was so obvious. It just confirmed what I saw the first moment I saw them talking together. She was talking to someone she found "interesting". Simply by her body language I knew she was hot for this guy.

We left 2 hrs later and went straight home. As we sat out on our deck having a few drinks and talking, I kept thinking about what I had witnessed. I knew she was hot for this guy and in the back of my mind I kept thinking ... maybe he's the one that can break her of this sexual malaise. I kept thinking about how she looked at him and I just knew I was right. I have asked her several times if she would consider swinging or a threesome. I have always gotten a "It ain't happening" from her. This always made me scratch my head in wonder knowing that she had secretly fooled around just seemed like a double standard to me.

So, I brought up how nice it must have been to see her old friend. Her face lit up and she began to talk once again about old times and how this guy is a cheater! Then, (due to the alcohol i am sure) she tells me she had a BIG crush on this guy for several years. The look on her face was priceless and made me horny as hell just hearing her talk about him as my mind raced with the possibilities. Well, we sat outside a little while longer before we decided we were just too tired and went upstairs to get ready for bed.

Now, our nightly regime is locked in stone. Brush our teeth, wash up, change clothes, jump into bed and on comes the TV for one hour and she's out for the night. Nothing EVER happens at night. But this night as she began to undress, she got this strange twinkle in her eyes that was incredible. She stripped completely and bent over the bed and said "come on honey. Don't you want some"? Of course I did. I dropped my shorts and stepped up behind her in seconds. What I found astounded me. This woman was wetter than I had ever seen her in over five years. Entering her was effortless. It was as if her pussy was sucking me inside of her. Normally I struggle to get some of her lubrication just to get inside of her. This was just too unbelievable for me. The whole time she kept saying fuck me, fuck me. Then changed her words to "I want the big fat thing. give me that big fat thing". Then all of a sudden, she began to criticize my technique, angle etc. You name it, she complained about it. I got a little testy at first but then decided the hell with it. I just let myself cum and walked into the bathroom and left her there.

She was a different woman that night. I was hurt, angry and damned disappointed. I kept my mouth shut and acted uninterested in what had happened. She was quiet and was asleep in less than five minutes. As I lay there I knew she had been thinking of him. I was amazed at her excitement level and shocked at the passion and desire that I had not seen in close to five years. Still I was not jealous, but I just knew without doubt now that my wife was hot for this guy.

I laid there thinking of how I could get him back into her life and into mine. I want to befriend him. I wanted him to come over often and hopefully seduce her (like it would take much effort). I kept scheming in my mind how to do this and do whatever it took to get them both opportunity and time together. I wanted so badly as I lay there I slowly masturbated twice to completion as she laid silently asleep next to me. This was the woman I fell in love with and married. Hot, excited and insatiable. I wanted to see where this may lead. I wanted to plan it so I could catch them in the act. I wanted to witness it for myself and quietly wait for them to find me waiting for them when they came downstairs. All I can think about is how such a situation would force my wife to finally sit down and talk about our sex life.

You see, our sex life consists of the following once each weekend (at "her" insistence!), shower separately, she plops on the bed with her toy and my finger inside her, she orgasms ( usually in about 1 min). Then she gets up and bends over the bed and tells me to hurry up because she so much to do. Boring. Unexciting. Down right depressing for me. But, like I said, since her son moved back in it has been this way. I have been trying for years to get her to show some desire and passion. Yet, it has been a hopeless effort for me until that day at the party.

Since then I have noticed a small but ever so slight change in her sexually. It is small, very small. But, she wants it more. Yet she still insists on the same routine. She hates the fact that I like the swinging lifestyle and used to be active in it and this makes me crazy knowing that in the past, she has had her fun with at least 3 other men since we have been together. How she justifies this in her mind I can't understand. She has her cake and eats it too. I have simple accommodation. WTF?

Now, every time I make a suggestion that we get together with her old friend and his girlfriend, she poo poo's the idea. I get the impression she is afraid of him and what might happen. I honestly think she is afraid to be around him. So now I am at a loss on how to get the one person I am certain would pull her out of this malaise and inspire her to enjoy herself (and quite possibly bring some fire and passion back into "our" sex life) back in her life. I want to enjoy a passionate sex life with my wife again and get her back to being the open minded sexual woman she once was. I want honesty from her. It would be nice to enjoy something exciting with her like swinging once again. Especially with my sexy wife by my side. Where that hot sexy lady disappeared to so many years ago went baffles me. I want her back.

If anyone has experienced situations similar to this, or even close, I need your insight. Ladies, Can you enlighten me as to what the heck I should do? Am I right in wanting to bring this fellow into our lives? She "is" hot for him. She has been using her toys much more lately but has not changed her level of intimacy or routine with me. How can I awaken this slumbering libido before it disappears for good? If i have to let her walk away with another, so be it. I want her to be happy in every way. No matter what it takes. If I have to force her hand. So be it. Any advice?

[funcoupledayton]

Honestly, if you want to stay married you probably need to get your wife to go to counseling with you. Setting her up with the new guy when things are not going well between the two of you sounds like a recipe for disaster. It sounds like there are underlying problems in your relationship that you need to work on. Since she won't talk with you about why things have changed maybe a counselor or sex therapist could help facilitate communication. Good luck.

[lustylearning]

Ummm. Have you talked with your wife about the three times she "enjoyed" another man that she didn't tell you about? If not, I wouldn't know how to address anything you've written about, because you both keep secrets.

[it'sso]

don'tlikeitbored. I think she has been cheating far more than the three times that you suspect. I suggest that you get out a little bit, yourself and then it will be easier for you to cope with her lack of interest in YOU.

[bbarnsworth]

I strongly disagree that the right idea is to cheat on her to cope with her current status. This just isn't relationship healthy. It's doom.

What funcoupledayton said is right on. Bringing this other guy into her life, no matter how you do it, is NOT going to fix anything in your marriage. It will make it considerably worse. There's serious problems at work here, far more than your long (I did read all of it) post can convey. There's enough warning flags that it's blatantly obvious that counseling is in order. You have to be utterly honest with her, and she with you.

Get back to square one, and start working on your relationship. Forget about swinging. Forget about this other guy, regardless of how hot she makes him.

Some men make my wife very hot and bothered. I encourage it and love it because our relationship is exceptional. if it were otherwise, I wouldn't even dream of her playing with someone else. Absolutely out of the question.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by funcoupledayton

Honestly, if you want to stay married you probably need to get your wife to go to counseling with you. Setting her up with the new guy when things are not going well between the two of you sounds like a recipe for disaster. It sounds like there are underlying problems in your relationship that you need to work on. Since she won't talk with you about why things have changed maybe a counselor or sex therapist could help facilitate communication. Good luck.

Ditto!

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Cheating yourself would be like throwing a lit match on a gas spill while standing in the middle.

Let her know you are not satisfied with your sex life ( and possibly your marriage from the sounds of it) an tell you want the both of you to go to counseling. If she refuses keep trying or tell her that you two need to talk more openly even if it is not with a counselor. If she continues to refuse then you have some tough decisions to make.

[couplers]

Originally Posted by dontliketbbored

If i have to let her walk away with another, so be it. I want her to be happy in every way. No matter what it takes. If I have to force her hand. So be it. Any advice?

This is an indication of true love on your part and a good start. She needs to rediscover her passion and this may be it. Since your head is where it needs to be with regards to sex (including that fidelity is not part of a good marriage), work on setting it up with her current infatuation and see where it goes. I am not in the "save the marriage at any cost camp" that creates an accommodation that merely prolongs a bad situation. Both you and your wife don't seem to be all that happy, so it is time to fix it or move on. Along with working to reignite her passions by giving her sexual freedom, have a serious talk where you make it clear that you are willing to consider anything except keeping the staus quo.


This could end up as a lucky turning point where you both get what you need and improve communications. Unlike many here, I think that allowing her to pursue sexual adventure ahead of or along with opening a discussion will be ultimately seen as the loving jesture that it is, and show her that you mean what you say. Good luck and let us know how it goes.


P.S. You mention him twice, so could it be that the son is somehow the problem? Does he, or the ghost of her ex, make her feel so uncomfortable? Any passion on vacations with just the two of you?

[dontliketbbored]

Well, Couplers,

Yes, I do believe the stepson has a lot to do with it all. He is allways there and when he is not, hse is usually afraid to do anything for fear he will come home at any second. When we do have fun together it is allways in the AM when she knows he is definitely asleep. Of course "quiet" is the operative word. If I moan even slightly, I get berated.

And yes, I do love her completely. We are the best of friends and have the best relationship excluding sex. I can honestly say that it all started when he moved back in. I just wish he would get back to work and move out. He is a wonderful young man. He is just unsure of what he wants to do and is holding onto those apron strings as tight as he can. The wife of course is in 'Mommy Mode" and is afraid to step away from the role.

It all leads back to hubby taking the back seat. It seems to me that she is as frustrated as I am and knowing she has "permission" enjoys herself when she can and is afraid to "ackowlege it" to me for fear of hurting me by not being so passionate at home. I will keep everyone informed as to the progress. Both relationship wise and possible assistance from the long lost friend. I have not lost hope just looking for guidance.

Thanks for the support and acknowledgement. You realy seemed to grasp where I was coming from.

[reefbreak]

To me a wife that mechanically bends over then tells you to hurry up has lost the plot and shows an uncaring and insensitive manner. Sorry dude - off to conselling big time. I had an ex who had this dissassociative manner at times and it used to cut me to the bone. Despite conselling it didnt work and thankfully my partner now is caring and empathetic to my needs (and me to hers!)

[Cajun2Step]

Originally Posted by dontliketbbored

Yes, I do believe the stepson has a lot to do with it all. He is allways there and when he is not, hse is usually afraid to do anything for fear he will come home at any second. When we do have fun together it is allways in the AM when she knows he is definitely asleep. Of course "quiet" is the operative word. If I moan even slightly, I get berated.

And yes, I do love her completely. We are the best of friends and have the best relationship excluding sex. I can honestly say that it all started when he moved back in. I just wish he would get back to work and move out. He is a wonderful young man. He is just unsure of what he wants to do and is holding onto those apron strings as tight as he can. The wife of course is in 'Mommy Mode" and is afraid to step away from the role.

It all leads back to hubby taking the back seat. It seems to me that she is as frustrated as I am and knowing she has "permission" enjoys herself when she can and is afraid to "ackowlege it" to me for fear of hurting me by not being so passionate at home. I will keep everyone informed as to the progress. Both relationship wise and possible assistance from the long lost friend. I have not lost hope just looking for guidance.

Thanks for the support and acknowledgement. You realy seemed to grasp where I was coming from.

We have read this thread with interest and feel your hurt and pain. We believe that you have received some very good "counsel" from others on the Board. We believe after reading your post we quoted above that you are finding out the possible source of your problems.

We would like to reiterate.....communicate, communicate, communicate. Take her out on some special dates. Go to an exotic hotel and spend quality time away from her son. Do your best to talk it out while you are in a non-threatening place. If you can get the communication link started again this way you may be able to go together to a family/sex therapist for help.

What ever you do we wish you good luck. In closing we strongly suggest that you do not try to include this other guy in a relationship until you work out your lines of communication and agree that you both want this with out question.

[Alura]

Frankly, I think you have zero proof that your wife has cheated at all. So often you say, "I just know..." when, in fact, you know nothing.

All your suppositions are based on speculation. When we speculate, we're almost 100% sure to be wrong. Until you stop assuming your wife is lying to you and learn to communicate with her, it's unlikely this problem will be solved.

There was always a big difference in how my late wife reacted sexually when our sons were in the house and when they were away. I don't think this is unusual in women. Her son's being there is probably the biggest (if not only) reason for her recent changes.

Alura

[it'sso]

I expected to get shot down for suggesting the OP "get out a little" himself since I consider this to be a female dominated board where if suggestions aren't compatible with the majority of their views, the guys they have under their thumbs will be quick to reject.
In any event, perhaps it's time for the OP to see if he can't find his stepson suitable employment where he can earn enough to house himself.

[bi4me2]

(him) excuse me for being blunt here.

The entire time I was reading your story all I could think of is "she is using him", sorry if that seems rude or anything else but in my mind she wants what she wants and seems to care less about what you want.

The 'weekly fuck' 'rules' reinforce that even more to me.

Sorry but she needs to stop hiding the real her from you and she needs to either be honest with you or say it's over (yes I mean that) I wouldn't stand for that kind of behavior for one second and I know damn well my 'better half' wouldn't either.

If a couple can't be 100% open and honest with each other then something is wrong but even more so if 1/2 of the couple is trying to be 100% open and honest and the other half wants nothing to do with it there is something very wrong.

[bi4me2]

(her) even more blunt.

So let me get this straight. You get your weekly 'fuck me over the bed so that I don't have to look you in the eye' time with all the criticisms that go along with it and you want to bring someone into the mix that "turns her on"? Where is your head? I know that I would not want to "fuck" my husband (that doesn't get turned on by me) if he is all hot and bothered from another woman only to get chastised about my technique and then think that bringing that person into this would make things better.

What I would do is turn the table, no more "weekly sex" until she opens up to you. No more bending over and fucking dead wood, and there is no way I'd bring another person into the mix. What would ever make you think that bringing another person into this "relationship" would fix anything? It won't, it will only make things worse than they are right now. I mean OMFG I can't believe some of the suggestions here. You going out and "cheating" on her isn't going to solve anything. Why bother being married if you're both going to go out a screw others behind each others back.

[/rant]

[it'sso]

Gee. I guess I wasn't as far out of the ballpark as I thought I would be.