Am i completely wrong?

[MasterHack2007]

I feel there is a distinct difference between love and sex. that they are in no way connected. my love for my wife is unconditional and i would never do anything without her consent but i want to explore my sexuality. Am i totally off in my conception of love and sex?

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by MasterHack2007

I feel there is a distinct difference between love and sex. that they are in no way connected. my love for my wife is unconditional and i would never do anything without her consent but i want to explore my sexuality. Am i totally off in my conception of love and sex?

We often talk about the differences of love and sex here.

I know that there is only one person whom I have romantic feelings of love for and that is my husband. Him and I make love. We also enjoy hot sex but there is always LOVE mixed in.

I love other people, but not in a romantic way. I love them as friends. Kind of in a sibling way.

I don't love my play partners. I like them and we have sex. We don't make love. It's sex and that's it. The former and latter shall never mix.

So, yes, to me there is a HUGE difference between making love and having sex.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Yet, if you feel the need to explore your sexuality without the knowledge, support and agreement of your wife, one could argue, that you do not love her. By the way, love is always conditional, to think otherwise is an illusion.

Time for a therapist and a marriage counselor. You need real discourse and not us well intentioned bystanders.

[metroman]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Susan here-- Yet, if you feel the need to explore your sexuality without the knowledge, support and agreement of your wife, one could argue, that you do not love her. By the way, love is always conditional, to think otherwise is an illusion.

Time for a therapist and a marriage counselor. You need real discourse and not us well intentioned bystanders.

I agree - No communication or agreement between you two and it becomes a receipe for disaster. Dialogue it out and DON'T DO ANYTHING until you two are on the same page. This can't be a negotiation - it's an understanding between a married couple in love so you respect the feelings of your mate above your on.

[Trace Ekies]

The gift that we swingers have is the understanding of the nuances of the love, love/sex and sex relationship...some will never get it.

Your next step is to NEVER doing anything without her knowledge and consent and then start talking. You can not and will not "sell" her on the idea but you MAY help her understand what we do and how we compartmentalize our love for our spouse or SO and sex with friends.

As stated before, we as swingers make love to our SO at times, have sex with our SO at times and then fuck our friends. It's not a clear line and not everyone can or will get it.

Talk to her and be ready to accept that she won't get it and then drop it if necessary. If you make this about you then you are not only going to fail, but you will prove yourself to be selfish and childish.

Make this about you as a couple, help her to understand and be patient...and you may get to explore your sexuality.

Trace

[sweet_tna]

Short answer: Yes, there is a difference.

Longer answer: I love Mr. Sweet, and sometimes when we have sex we make love. But sometimes we just fuck. It doesn't in any way diminish what we have together, it is simply a mood thing. We still desire each other in a purely physical fashion, so we often express ourselves that way.

I love my friends, but it's a platonic kind of love. I share in their joys and sorrows. I do whatever I can to help them/make them happy (even if it’s something I really don’t want to do). If I lose a loved one, either through death or a falling out, it hurts and I miss them.

And some of our friends happen to also be playmates and we fuck them. This is where the base physical desire comes in. But none of this would happen without the depth of love and trust that Mr. Sweet and I share at the core of it all. This is something we do together, whether we're on the same bed, or in different states.

There's nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality, provided you honor your relationship with your wife first and foremost. I'm glad to hear you say you wouldn't do anything without her consent. But realize that she may not feel the same way you do about love and sex, and trying to make her feel differently is pointless.

[RDfnd]

Originally Posted by MasterHack2007

...i would never do anything without her consent but i want to explore my sexuality.

The OP has clearly stated that he requires his wife's consent.

MasterHack2007:

If you alone have the feelings expressed about love, sex and exploring sexuality, problems would ensue if you chose to act on them alone.

Do you feel that your wife share's your opinion regarding love and sex? Do you feel that she would as well like to explore her sexuality? If answers to those questions are yes, then it would seem that with good communications and discussion to confirm that both of you are on the same page, you might be very comfortable and enjoy swinging. Good luck.

[RDfnd]

MasterHack2007
User Awaiting Approval

Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2
Location: Texas
Status: Couple

trying to get started, but wife is sexually uptight


My wife is really uptight about her sexuality to the point where it hinders even are regular sex life. any suggestions on how to open her up? I am interested in a swinger type lifestyle and she isnt totally opposed to it like she doesnt staight up tell me no way in hell when i mention a threesome but she is not emotional ready for one because of her uptightness. the other night was the first time she was even willing to put on a show for me and masturbate after 2 and a half years of marriage. she is uptight enough that she has a hard time gettin wet because she is too worried about how she is whether im enjoying myself ect. ect. how do i get her to open up and more sexual?
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This post in another thread that I just saw after my previous post sheds more light on the situation.

Red flags galore. IMHO, swinging is out of the question at this point.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Little secret here, most couples don't watch the other masturbate after 30 years of marriage. I find it interesting that you viewed it as her putting on a 'show' for you as opposed to a shared experience.

Also, you view her not wanting to do what you want her to do as being 'uptight'. It's not being 'uptight' it's an unfamiliar experience that she may or may not feel comfortable doing with an audience, even if it's you.

You two need a marriage counselor. And be aware, the problem with sexual compatibility may not be her, it may be you.

[TwoAreLooking]

I have tried to masturbate myself with D present. No dice. I can barely do it alone. In fact, mostly I can't. We've been together nearly 20 years. Nor would it be a show for him. <shudder>

Get thee to some couples counseling. Forget going outside the one-on-one relationship right now, IMO. Fix the inside before looking outside. Wait, I've said that recently. Well, here I am saying it again. Sry.

M.

[MasterHack2007]

I do understand that our "problems" if you can even consider them that are rooted in me. Im the one that has the issue with her sexuality. but i have talked to her about this in depth the past week or so and she agrees that she is just uncomfortable with sex. that its more of a self image kind of thing with her she is too worried about how she looks how shes doing and everything and she just cant clear her mind to just enjoy the experience. she wants to be able to and i am looking to help her be able to. I say she masturbated to put a show on for me because she wasnt really comfortable about it at first. but i have been encouraging her to do so when i am at work to explore herself and find what she likes to make sex more enjoyable for the both of us. I have my wants but i can honestly say that she comes first. if she is uncomfortable with it or doesnt like the idea i have no problem dismissing the idea. this is all about trying to get her to enjoy sex more and for her pleasure. since her issues about sex inhibit her ability to enjoy sex even between the two of us.

[MasterHack2007]

to add since i have started kind of pushing not hard mind you just talking to her and trying to get some insight into what the issue truly is she has started to open up to me some she has admitted to having thoughts about other men which she has never admitted to me before because she felt as though even finding another man attractive and thinking she would want to have sex with someone else were she not married was like betraying me. she wants to open up she just has some metal "roadblocks" that inhibit her ability to do so and communication seems to be helping. but no matter how many time i tell her how sexy she is or how she is ( and i mean being completely honest) the best sexual partner i have ever had she has a major issue with her image and has little or no confidence in her self

[Adam-n-Eve]

The thing is, you're not going to be swinging any time soon. You have a long road in front of you. She's not ready for that, even though she's thought about other men. Every woman has thought about other men. Don't take that as a sign that she's really a swinger deep down.

Forget swinging with her. Maybe it'll come up again 10 years from now, but the best thing for you to do is drop it completely. Otherwise you're living in this world, looking in the window and wishing you could be here, while she isn't even sure this world exists.

[lustylearning]

I feel for you, MasterHack. I feel for her. It took forever for me to really believe my husband when he told me I was beautiful. It won't happen overnight. Even years into swinging now, knowing, based on all the available evidence, that I'm attractive and desirable, I still look in the mirror sometimes, or down at my thighs during sex, and think, "ick." I wish could give you some advice. The only thing that comes to mind is, just love her and gently encourage whatever positive moves she makes. You won't "change" her. She will do that herself, if/when she's ready.

[CXXC]

There is no force in this universe as strong as the will of man/woman!

If she does not want somehting, feels uncomfortable with something or has inhibitions with somehting, there is NOTHING you can do to change that! Only she can!

Through open and honest dialogue you will only be albe to show her how you feel, what you desire or think you need. She may even walk up to the door with you to peer in but the likeliness of her walking through WITH you is slim.

You cannot pressure her. You cannot force her. Most of all, you must not make this the base topic of your conversations. That will surely shut her down!

Seek help. Her demons are hers. You cannot solve them for her.

Forget the Lifestyle. This, of all things, is well beyond her comfot zone! Concentrate on the TWO of you! Anything else will end in tragedy!