Need help with aggressiveness

[PortlandGuy]

Short story is I need to be more aggressive in bed. So if you don't like long stories, you can just skip the rest.

Here's the context. First I'm brand new here and my wife just joined tonight. She may even drop by to provide more input. We've been married almost 16 years now and have never done any swinging. Almost. She actually decided to explore her bi-sexual side about a year 1/2 ago and had a girlfriend for about 6 months or so. But she's not been with another man and I've not been with another woman. Wanted to, but that's a funny story for another day.

So my wife met a woman on MySpace a while back that she was attracted to, pursued and won over. The plan was to meet in Vegas at the end of March (we're in Oregon, they're in Texas). Then long story I won't bore you with, major drama happened, trip called off, now it's back on. We're cautious at this point because we don't want drama, but we have a full 3 months to keep an eye on things. We've already decided to back out if there's more drama, but we think we're all good now.

So anyway, this woman is used to it rough and likes it that way. Blindfolds, ropes, spankings, teasing, etc. Nothing too hardcore, but rough. I on the other hand am a goofball who'd rather laugh and have a good time. I don't have a rough bone in my body. I don't want to disappoint her or bore her. I'd love to blow her mind and leave her wanting more. But I'm feeling like I have to give a speech tomorrow in Chinese and have just started trying to learn the language tonight! I suck at being dark and aggressive, but I have 3 months in which I hope to hone those skills. And I could use some help.

Now before anyone jumps the gun, I'd normally say this is me, take it or leave it. The problem is for years my wife has had the same complaint. She also wants me to be more aggressive in bed. So I'm looking at this as a good opportunity to pick up skills to help with this other woman, but also to please my wife more in the long run.

So how do I go about transforming from to ? Keep in mind that I have 3 months and a wife who is very willing to let me practice on her. Oh yeah, it seems logical to have her help me, but we're just about complete opposites. Not saying she's a bad teacher, just that she can't teach me. I'm very logical and scientific and she's the carefree spirit type. All efforts on her part so far have yielded very little fruit. This is one area where we just can't seem to communicate very well. We try, but she doesn't want to be my tutor because that ruins it for her. On the plus side, my wife is very much looking forward to this other guy since he's really good at this stuff. So even if I fail, at least she'll have a great time!

So, how's that for a challenge? Any ideas? Or is it a lost cause?

[Trace Ekies]

It has always seemed to us that "If you can say it, you can do it".

For Mrs. Ekies, if I can get her to speak her fantasies (after she admits she has one) she'll work on making it happen.

For a long time she harbored a want for a big dick...once she put it into words to me ("8" and thick" were her exact words) we went about finding the appropriate man. She has found an "8" and thick" and is now planning to take one of her hot blonde girlfriends with us to surprise him. How's that for "acting out"?

For you, in our estimation, you need to be able to build the fantasy for her AND you and then say it out loud. Start with pointed questions to her that require that you ask if she wants or likes something specific. For instance, ask her if she wants you to smack her on the ass while you're fucking her doggy-style or if she'd like you to grab a fist full of her hair while she's sucking your cock.

Find out if she wants dirty-talk...be specific. Don't ask, "Do you want me to talk dirty?"...be more specific and ask her if it makes her pussy wet when you tell her how much you like to have your cock in her mouth.

It has been our experience that we tend to build our own fantasies and then incorporate our spouse's and playmate's fantasies. And it seems to be easier for us when we have some information ahead of time.

We've also found that these conversations we have fairly regularly lead to more frequent sex between just the two of us. Which gives us the opportunity to "practice" which is good no matter what happens.

Build from here. It's a safe way for you to build your confidence in being more aggressive and know exactly what's on her mind. From there you can go any direction the two of you choose.

In no time you'll be holding her arms behind her back and telling her how much you like fucking her pussy while her ass is up in the air...and she'll love it.

Trace

[sweet_tna]

The short and easy answer is that practice makes perfect. But I gather you need to know how/where to get started practicing.

If you're the logical/scientific type, I recommend watching some porn videos with some "rough" (ie light BDSM) scenes in them with your wife. For the first viewing, find out which things she's more interested in, what boundaries she has. Then watch again to observe the techniques involved. Of course, then it's time to put these techniques into practice. And it will take some practice, figuring out how tight to tie the ropes/how hard to spank, etc. Make sure you ask if she's okay with whatever you're doing along the way until ya'll get comfortable with things and it comes more naturally to you.

Btw, kudos on your positive attitude towards this.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[cari and mar]

You're not alone on this.

Cari sometimes likes it rougher than I would otherwise normally be. I suspect you are like me - not wanting to cause the people in your life any real pain or offense. She has always liked her nipples squeezed pretty good, but it is amazing how hard she likes them pulled or tweaked on occasion, or her butt spanked. I just realized that I don't know if it is more for my benefit or hers when she nearly gags herself while deep-throating me (for her pleasure or for practice when we meet others to play with).

Here are some random ideas that you can use, abuse, alter, or ignore:

When it is obvious she is turned on (after a shower together? or after watching some porn together?), tie her hands, either together behind her head, or to her feet (knees bent?) or to the bed. You can use a scarf, a neck tie, etc. Sometimes blind fold her. Tell her that you are going to have your way with her. Use her for your pleasure rather than (if you are like me) focusing on her pleasure like you normally do. Cari sometimes derives great pleasure from being used. I don't like using people, so it is a bit of a stretch for me - but it gets easier with time (and practice :-).

Fuck her some and then rub your dick on her mouth (or tell her to suck your dick) so that she can smell and/or taste the sex.

While you are "using" her, ask if she likes it. Not in a soft tentative way, but nearly as a command... for example, "You like that, don't you!?". Have her beg for it again. Do it, perhaps a bit harder than you think you should, then ask if she wants it again. Or tease her and don't give it to her right away - perhaps go do something else, then come back and surprise her with another spank or hard sex.

Cari and really taken to having her pussy slapped. Work your way up from light to medium and watch her body respond. Learn how to "play" her body like an instrument.
Tease her with sex toys... switch back and forth between intercourse and sex toys at your will rather than hers. Surprise her with a new one while she is tied up.

Many people that don't like full anal enjoy having their butthole played with a little... if that is the case, that opens up even more possibilities. If you or she doesn't know, try it when she is really turned and see. You can still experiment and ask for her responses even when you are "in control." If you get negative responses, you can move on to something else.

One thing I've learned out of all this... what a woman enjoys can change (expand) quite A LOT as she gets more aroused.

In summary: one way to be "aggressive" is to take requests and/or make her beg, but make it obvious you are the one that is in control of what pleasure she is going to feel, and when. It can be as subtle as a harder than normal kiss, or being somewhat more physically aggressive while undressing her.

Good luck!

Mar

[PB&J]

Mar- I am going to get PB to read your suggestions! He is what he likes to call "a lover not a fighter", but if there's one thing I've learned in the lifestyle, I do appreciate some roughness once in a while, and he would like to be able to crank it up a bit for my sake. Thanks!

[PortlandGuy]

Originally Posted by cari and mar

Use her for your pleasure rather than (if you are like me) focusing on her pleasure like you normally do.

Thanks for all the great replies. I think this is one of my biggest issues. I love nothing more than to pleasure my wife. And with her I'm comfortable with this advice and have tried it a few times. I guess with the other lady I'm feeling like it will just be a couple nights and I don't want to be selfish. But it seems clear to me that since she's wanting it to be all about me, maybe that's the best way to please her. It's such a strange and foreign concept. When my wife is in a rare mood where she wants it all about her, I love it, but I'm left feeling like Now it's my turn. It seems strange that this may be exactly what she wants.

[cari and mar]

Originally Posted by PortlandGuy

Thanks for all the great replies. I think this is one of my biggest issues. I love nothing more than to pleasure my wife. And with her I'm comfortable with this advice and have tried it a few times. I guess with the other lady I'm feeling like it will just be a couple nights and I don't want to be selfish. But it seems clear to me that since she's wanting it to be all about me, maybe that's the best way to please her. It's such a strange and foreign concept. When my wife is in a rare mood where she wants it all about her, I love it, but I'm left feeling like Now it's my turn. It seems strange that this may be exactly what she wants.

Yep. I'm sorry I don't have any more advice that might help with dealing with the other lady - except that I think it safe to say that she would be up for anything your wife is, and more. So start there, and slowly "turn up the volume" on what you're doing. If she is responding in a positive manner, stay there, or go more. She may yell for more. To be honest, I'm guessing you won't find her limits.

Going outside our normal comfort zone is strange. I suppose some guys get off on being bossy, but it doesn't breed much, if any, excitement in me... at least until when I see her getting excited from it - THEN it gets exciting :-)

Mar

P.S. That was supposed to be "Cari HAS really taken to having her pussy slapped" rather than "Cari AND really taken to having her pussy slapped". BTW, this was one of the few ideas that I've picked up from porn.

P.P.S You're welcome J. Hope it helps in some small way!

If dialogue causes you troubles (as in, "how could I say something so corny") then try writing down a bunch of phrases before hand. Use it as a crib sheet to pre-load your brain. Then when the time comes for you to say something provocatively nasty, you won't be dead in the water.

[forfunonly692]

You might want to check out the BDSM scene a little in Portland. We had much the same issue (after 25 years she tells me....) and tied in with some great new friends at some local munches and discussion groups. We are down in the Eugene area and know the scene in Portland is very active. Good classes up there as well on SAFE use of ropes, etc (things we did not know playing on the fringe of rough is how dangerous things can be if you don't learn safe methods). A good resource to start with is FetLife.com

Good luck, it is fun to let the tiger out of the tank once in awhile, be safe, sane and consensual about it and all will go well for you.

[LadyVeelah]

Hey all, it's the other half of PortlandGuy here. The biggest problem is that he is such a sweet and gentle soul that I have a hard time taking him seriously and end up laughing when he tries to get rough with me. And for the record, it's not S&M I'm after, it's more of a forced sex and control situation.

[forfunonly692]

(Grinning) I am not pushing the idea of S&M folks, for me it was hard also to transition from the gentleman metrosexual I had learned to be to upscale a little bit to the rougher tougher sexuality my wife and others found appealing in the swing lifestyle (more porn style sex than gentle love making). It was in hanging out with the BDSM folks that I was able to learn how to talk to folks, find limits and be able to push for what the partners wanted rather than make gentle love like I had learned. The biggest lesson for me was that sensation in ladies changes with age, particularly if they have had an female genitalia surgery, and increased intensity added to their fun levels. Your gentleman was looking for ideas on where to learn how to make changes, and what I felt he needed was less "technique" driven than mental changes, or ideas. Hope you both have fun, it is wonderful to be able to explore new changes as a couple with age instead of letting changes in our needs split apart our marriages.

[PortlandGuy]

Originally Posted by forfunonly692

A good resource to start with is FetLife.com

Wow, a lot has changed in the past few weeks. Won't bore you with details, but the Vegas thing is off. For now. We would still like to see them at some point in the future. My wife and the other lady are still very close friends. Whether there will be sex or not, I can't say.

However, I did sign up at that FetLife site. We went to a munch tonight and had a blast and I'm going on a walk tomorrow with others in the area. Looking forward to it.

But the best part was when I joined that other site, I was checking out profiles from people in the area. Not looking for a playmate or anything, just trying to get comfortable. Most of the pictures from the profiles scared me , and I would just move along to the next. Finally found one person who seemed to have some stuff in common with me and sent a note introducing myself. Not looking for anything other than to make a new friend.

Anyway, this lady and I just clicked on an unbelievable level. She's pretty much me with boobs. We even have similar tastes in the bedroom! We've become fast friends and my wife and I even had dinner with her and her husband last week. My wife really liked him, but unfortunately, just as a friend at this point.

Anyway, my wife and I aren't sure that swinging (as in two couples getting together) is the direction we feel like going in right now. We're feeling more comfortable with an open relationship at this point. Turns out this other lady and her husband also happen to have an open relationship as well.

So anyway, this other lady and myself have... I guess you'd call it a date tomorrow. Should be quite interesting!

So thanks forfunonly692! I followed your advice and can't believe where it's ended up. And the best part is even if this other lady and myself don't end up going all the way (which seems extremely unlikely at this point), I've made a wonderful new friend!

[sweet_tna]

Glad to hear you're finding your comfort zone. That's what it's about, after all!

=)

[forfunonly692]

Scary to make that first step from the idea of swinging to the OHMYGODTHOSEFOLKSAREAKINKYGROUP!!!! But we have learned so much sexually from our friends at the munches, and at the discussion groups and WATCHING at some of the playdates locally in the Eugene area. The BDSM crowd is far more respectful of relationships and boundaries, and far more willing to share and learn with/from you. Have fun, and if you guys ever get down south in the Valley we would be happy to host you both at a local munch.
MnM