Men and lost sex drives....

[TNT]

On my way home this morning I was listening to the radio and the DJs came on quoting a poll on why men felt that their sex drives were low.

They stated that 68% of men said they felt their loss of sex drive was caused by their wife....the two top reasons being 1) She wasn't adventurous enough in bed and 2) She had gained weight.

My first thought when hearing this was...Hmmmm, wonder how much weight he's gained and how adventurous he is in bed....basically, I was thinking that before one complains they should look at themselves and see if it just might be something they themselves are doing or not doing to cause the problem.

I also thought...Wonder if they've talked to their wife about it or if it's just easier to complain and do/say nothing.

Just wondering what others thought about this.


Teresa

[BiloxiCouple]

If one has gained alot of weight or both have gained alot of weight then things don't fit like they used to and it can become work. Hence, not as enjoyable.

Adventurous? Sometimes with time, kids, work and life, adventures have to be planned. Catching up on a little sleep may seem easier and better than a frolic. Take some time for yourselves and get caught up a little and plan something. And with adventure it takes two tp play, so don't blame the other, blame yourself more.

Your sex drive belongs to you not your spouse, you are responsible for a low sex drive. If they have a low sex drive you just ain't getting none.

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Your sex drive belongs to you not your spouse, you are responsible for a low sex drive. If they have a low sex drive you just ain't getting none.

Well said

It's just too easy to place blame. After all, isn't that what most of today's society wants to do? God forbid we look at ourselves, it HAS to be someone's fault!

Yes, with so many couples today, with or without kids, life can get in the way quicker than the blink of an eye. Work, work stress, financial stress, worries, whatever. It all takes a toll on our energy level and willingness to leave it aside long enough to spend quality time with our spouses.

Nope, it's not easy. And it's easier for so many couples to either blame the other half, or just call it quits. It takes WORK for any relationship to blossom. And sometimes that means sex or hot dates do have to be scheduled on the calendar. "Ohhh, but then we lose spontaneity". So??? You find the time, you make it happen. And the sex drive skyrockets.... Can't speak for men, but for me, the more sex we have, the more I want. The less we have, the less I desire it.

Mrs. NC.

[Chicup]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say in some cases its the mans fault, in some cases the womans, and in some cases both.

I know a guy who lost his sex drive due to his wife getting fat. He wasn't, and he was too much a product of Alan Alda male psychology to tell her she was too fat.

They are now divorced.

I think its a bit naive to assume that how we handle these things is going to be how the average person does. We are NOT average, we as swingers that is, have much better communication with our spouses and far less of those subject areas we can't talk about. Also by default we are the more sexually adventurous compared to most vanillas. Its easy for us to poopoo others in not having our level of understanding with our spouses when so many others refuse to even talk about their sexuality.

When my wife was getting to fat for my tastes, I told her so. Luckily she didn't like it either and has worked her way back to where we are both happy. It doesn't take much to change to see how that type of thing could fall apart on either the mans or womans side. Hell women get told over and over that, that sort of thing shouldn't matter when you love each other and are married, to which of course I say bullshit.

[MrkLin]

I heard a quote on the radio years ago, and I really don't remember who said it, but it went something like this: "Before you start pointing out your wife's faults, realize that it's those same faults that kept her from finding a better husband."

A lot of us are too quick to point the finger, and should first do so while standing in front of a mirror.

Things that can cause a man's loss of sex drive are so numerous it's not even funny. Personally, I think a visit to the doctor should be a consideration. Just talking about it to the doctor will help narrow down the causes. It might be something medical, or then again it could be something stress related. Just sitting there doing nothing about it, however, is rarely the best choice.

[pxjcp]

Your sex drive belongs to you not your spouse, you are responsible for a low sex drive. If they have a low sex drive you just ain't getting none

Loss of a man's sex drive could also be medical. As men reach their 50's lots of men experience low testosterone levels and some don't even know they have it unless they have been to an urologist.

Also drinking, heart med's, blood pressure med's, diabetes medication for starters and being overweight impact a man's sex drive.

I for one if I work in the yard all day and still keep fluids in me I have noticed during sex a loss of my sex drive or the energy to keep going.

[slevin]

I don't know about you guys, but my actual sex drive doesn't change based on how frequent or adventurous my sex life is at home. I'm horny the same amount, it's more about whether I feel motivated to want to actually have sex with her or not. Now, I don't mean that to be current, but I think everyone has gone through those periods in a long relationship where you get too busy and things just seem to slow down. I've always been just as horny during those periods as at times when things are going well. The difference is time or motivation.

If my actual sex drive was slowing down....I'd be going to the doctor to find out what is up.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Hell women get told over and over that, that sort of thing shouldn't matter when you love each other and are married, to which of course I say bullshit.

But, it's sooooo much easier to say that "it shouldn't matter since s/he loves me".

It's much harder to lose weight, but just think of the benefits of losing weight -- the "fit" is better, a great workout (short or long as it is) which is heart healthy and lower blood pressure and stable blood sugar.

[Begood03]

I have a very high sex drive, the bad part is that after my wife had to get a hysterectomy her sex drive dropped dramatically. We are working it out as best we can.

[good times]

Originally Posted by TNT

My first thought when hearing this was...Hmmmm, wonder how much weight he's gained and how adventurous he is in bed....basically, I was thinking that before one complains they should look at themselves and see if it just might be something they themselves are doing or not doing to cause the problem.

While I think you are right here, it doesn't appear to me that this was the question. In other words, if the guy lost his sexual interest in his wife because she gained weight, it really doesn't have anything to do with him, except that he is the one that doesn't find heavy women sexually attractive. If he has problems that would make his wife find him less sexually attractive, that is a completely different question, in my opinion.

[knb2004]

Interesting that you ask this on a forum dedicated to swinging! I have said before on here that I am a student of human behavior, especially relationships and sexuality. Because of that, I participate in this forum, but I also frequently read forums about vanilla relationships and others. You have to remember that many sexual things that seem ordinary to the point of mundane to most visitors here are completely outside the box to many "normal" people.

It is a fact that many women are not just vanilla, but to an extreme extent. Only willing to have sex with the lights off, or with a (very) limited number of acceptable positions. I read one woman who was offended to the point of tears because her hubby wanted to do doggie style. And how many vanilla couples have issues about something as piddly as porn? Us swinging men are lucky not only because our lovely brides like involving others in our sex lives, but because they are much more comfortable with their own sexuality in general. I read one woman on an anti-porn board that was PROUD of the fact that her husband of 12 years had NEVER seen her naked!

So yeah, there are a lot of cold fish out there, and as a result, a lot of frustrated hubbies. It's a shame, but it's reality.

How many women reading this post do you suppose cry over a request for doggie style sex?

It's not just women, either, I can't tell you how many times I've seen men freaking out because their partner had "too many" sexual partners BEFORE THEY EVEN MET, and others who flipped out because their SO had (or wanted) sex toys.

There is so much sexual dysfunction in our society that it's sad. I am convinced that most of it is because of the overriding message that "good girls" are supposed to act in certain ways, or more to the point that "good girls" don't do certain things. Once that message is sufficiently internalized, women are determined to be the aforementioned "good girl" and guys don't want to be with "sluts".

Codswallop, sluts rock!

[Just Passing By]

The first subissue made me laugh. We both prefer full figured women, and slim women would have an uphill battle to catch our initial attention.
But in the pure sense sexual desire and sexual responsiveness is ruled by brain chemestry.

[absingleman]

I lost my sex drive for a period of six months after my brain surgery, and it was 18 months after my surgery that I began to experience half of my sexual desire and nearly two more years that I began to actually pursue women for sex. In my case, it was the result of medication lowering my testosterone and endorphin levels according to my doctor.

I was so uninterested in sex that I would laugh when propositioned, and what would normally get me sexually aroused would give me a headache. That was my first clue something was wrong. There was one woman I was friends with that I could not spend more than 30 minutes around because I would get headaches when shortly after we started talking or if she did simple things like smile at me a certain way or wear certain clothes. It took several months to realize that was not normal, and several more to ask my doctor to run some tests to see if it was permanent.

Once he ran some tests and took me off three different medications, I began to return to normal. I'm not as sex driven as I used to be. Partly due to age, partly due to the fact that I went over nine months not wanting anything to do with sex (not the opposite sex, but pursuing the act). But I once again get extremely horny when I see Angelina Jolie's or Rosario Dawson's full pouty lips (I'm a kisser, sorry) or J-Lo's butt in some tight white pants (I'm also a butt man...who knew?) and I don't feel no self loathing or revulsion because of it now.

I also know that I have to like SOMETHING about a person if I'm going to get sexually aroused by her. Its not as automatic as it used to be and I had a long time to accept that. I also know that any arousal or lack there of is because of what I think and feel, not what someone else is or isn't. I may share my sexuality, but it is mine, not anyone else's.

[Additude]

In this situation I would think the only realistic poll would have been a side by side comparison of the same questions asked to both the male and female of the marriage.

This is a onesided/lopsided poll and doesn't really have any substance to it because this kind of poll or study creates defensiveness and causes assumptions.

So if the hubby said; "She's not adventurous in bed" and the wife said, "He's to fat", then we have something to chew on. Otherwise it's no better than plain ol' hearsay.

[GreatCoupleNY]

My wife gained weight after pregnancies and our sex drive dropped off.
You have to work your way through it. Our sex drive now is stronger than it ever
was between us and in my case it's stronger than it's ever been. Even before we
were married.

We talked about it and decided to try and experiment and enhance our sex and now
here we are on this board.
LOL.