Bored with Sex? Or Bored with Ourselves?

[JustAskJulie]

Ok, first off even I'm not sure where to put my posts sometimes... but since this isn't really a swinging question and I'm not looking for advice this seemed like the best place.

This is from the Member Interview for Celtic239...

Originally Posted by Celtic239

I (the husband) learned about the lifestyle almost by accident. The Mrs, just after menapause, out of the blue stated that she wasn't interested in sex anymore. Not looking forward to a life of celebacy (I wouldn't go out and cheat) I hit the internet hard trying to find a "cure" for female sexual dysfuntion. I found out that while there were medical reasons in certain circumstances, for the most part, it was psychological. While I was reading some of the web site forums someone, similarly situated was give advice to look into clothing optional resorts. Others sites stated that maybe she was just bored with the husband. We spoke about her "condition" or as many posters on this board are fond of saying "communicated" about this predictament. I made arrangements, with her knowledge, to spend out belated 25th wedding anniversary at a clothing optional resort. I told her that she was under no pressure to put on or take off any article of clothing or engage in any activity. We went there and after an hour she began to relax. We just spent time together and she fell in love with the ambiance of the place. What I liked was that the people there were some of the most down to earth individuals that I had ever met (nothing like the sterotypes that are dipicted in the press/TV). I was very comfortable around them and so was the Mrs.
I came across this web forum during the search and found that the people who participated here were very down to earth also. I asked for and received great advice. I purchased many Black Lace books for the Mrs., surprised her with nice gowns for our second trip to the resort a few months ago

Reading this made me think of something that I've thought about a time or two before. The whole concept of getting bored with sex, or growing tired of it or disinterested in it. I can't help but wonder if in reality what we are bored with is ourselves. As this story illustrated it's not about spicing up the "sex life" so much as it is sometimes just spicing up our lives that does the trick to reigniting what may have become a dull sex life.

This also brings to mind a recent episode of Oprah that I happened to catch while I was home one day. It was a follow-up show and one of the people she talked to was a woman who made the decision to change her relationship with her husband by taking the initiative to have sex with him every day. They had young children and their sex life had slacked off, he typically made the move for it but she was too tired. And she had noticed that more than their sex life was suffering, they were short with each other and not as communicative. So she decided that she would go out of her way to make sure that they had sex every day for a week. She didn't tell him this upfront so he assumed she had just hit her "prime" or something and was happy about it. In the meantime other areas of their life together improved and she found that he became more attentive outside of the bedroom giving general love and affection rather than just seeking sex. Three years later they both continue to make sex daily a priority.

[sweet_tna]

You make a good point, and I think it could be the case for a lot of people.

However, when my honey and I hit our low point (me not caring if I ever had sex again), it turned out to be birth control issues. As soon as my body adjusted to the medication, my libido flat-lined. And I did try having sex with him regularly just to see if it would generate a positive chain of events. It didn't help much at all. But I don't think that's the norm.

If no medical issues are present, it's certainly a concept worth exploring.

[prettylady]

Wow Julie, That made me think of a situation that Dog and I recently went through.
I got really sick not too long ago. I never spell it write and I am to lazy right now to look it up, but I had Pnueinomia(bad cold) and sex was not even on my mind even when it was on tv. I found myself getting short with Dog about issues that didn't have anything to do with him. He would catch my attitude when my ex pissed me off.
Not making love to Dog for so long and always being a B***h with him, even when I started to feel better from my cold, I still didn't want sex.
Then, like your Ophra friend, I "made" myself start to have sex again with Dog. It was like little angles came down with a warm light and pretty song and made everything better for us again.
Not saying sex heals all, but the connection that is made while making love heals ALOT.
Dog and I are back to our horney little selves again.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

As soon as my body adjusted to the medication, my libido flat-lined.

What were you on? I tried the depo shots once upon a time and I swear they work so well simply because they kill any desire to have sex.

Originally Posted by prettylady

I got really sick not too long ago. I never spell it write and I am to lazy right now to look it up, but I had Pnueinomia(bad cold) and sex was not even on my mind even when it was on tv. I found myself getting short with Dog about issues that didn't have anything to do with him. He would catch my attitude ...

that is exactly what we are going through right now with my having been feeling so crappy. Then to top that off my mouth still feels weird from the surgery so I'm just now getting to where making out a little bit doesn't make my mouth completely uncomfortable. I try to get that "closeness" to him through cuddling with him as much as I can and try to let him know that I still find him sexy and want him even if I don't physically feel like having sex.

[prettylady]

How do you spell "not tonight honey I have a headache" DEPRO.
It killed my drive as well. Dogs been nutered and I have been spade. So as far as birth control goes, this is my BC of choice.
It really is upsetting how completely miserable you can feel when you can't show your lover any kind of physical affection.
I felt guilty for not wanting to make love to him. He wasn't trying to make me feel bad, the exact opposite. It makes it that much harder to get better.
I hope things start to look up for you Julie.
Sex may not be the be all end all of a relationship, but boy it sucks when you just can't get it for what ever reason.
Like say for example a bad winter storm that closed the road that brings Dog home to me.
Oh sorry, bit off topic.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[sweet_tna]

What were you on? I tried the depo shots once upon a time and I swear they work so well simply because they kill any desire to have sex.

Julie, I was on the pill for most of our marriage, though there were a few breaks when either my insurance didn't cover it, we were trying to conceive, and of course, the changes in type after the babies were born. I also tried the nuvaring, which had the same effect. I'd get a lovely hormone surge whenever there was a change in my birth control status, but as soon as my body adjusted to the hormones . . .SNAP! Libido was gone. It was because of those surges during the changes that we had such trouble figuring out the cause.

It was too easy to blame work, kids, life, etc. for the problems. But when I got to the point where I realized I didn't care if I ever had sex again . . . it was time to get help.

Thank HEAVEN we fixed the problem!

=)

[VanHlebar]

Hey Julie:

I feel for you, MrsVan and I have gone through these spells once in a while and it has been on both sides. Seems like when the stress in our lives builds up from outside sources we do one of two things.

1. Have sex like mad because it burns off a lot of that stress
2. Have zero sex and then get cranky with each other

When we get to #2 we have had a number of talks with each other and finally we each try to make an effort to actually make love. Eventually it turns itself around and things get back to normal.

We went through this once when Mom came out to visit and when she first moved in with us.

-Van

[Chicup]

ANY of the constant hormone stuff like the ring, will kill Mrs. Chicups sex drive, and kill it close to completely. She is ok with the old standard BC pills as they do cause hormone variations.

Right now she is breast feeding which is worse.

It not only kills all of her sex drive for her, it also means her mood is either good or violent. I describe it as constant PMS. If its like our last one its going to be quite a while before shes back to normal.

The good thing is we both know it, she knows shes super hormonal right now, as do I and while its hard we try to keep ourselves at an even keel though we have had a few very nasty fights. Luckily they are all short lived.

[LFM2]

OMG... Depo really killed your sex drive? What a horrible side effect!!

I've been taking depo for close to 2 years now, and I love the no period side effect and I still have my strong libido.

It's the freakin' zoloft I take for anxiety during school and work that kills my sex drive dead.

[midnightplayer]

Well, I am in the same boat, my wife lost interest in sex after menopause and being on the patch has not had any positive effect, She has put on weight, doesnt sleep and will not get medical help. With sex limited and boring, she will not allow oral, we have become more and more distant and the connection is all but gone after 37 years. I have a high sex drive and masterbate more than a married man should, but what is one to do short of rape. I appreciate all the input. We argue all the time from frustration. Thanks to all

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by midnightplayer

I appreciate all the input. We argue all the time from frustration. Thanks to all

It is frustrating isn't it? I think it's probably frustrating for both partners.

[socolais]

This thread quickly migrated toward the medication side effect as a cause for the lack of interest in sex and I think it's a shame that the pharmaceutical companies tolerate these effects in their products (probably so they can sell another product in hopes of restoring normalcy). But there isn't always a medication to blame.

I've always had a higher sex drive than my wife. She would almost never initiate sex - something "good girls" would never do. There were also times that she'd not be interested in my advances. I never connected it with "boredom", I thought it was that I just wasn't rocking her boat well enough. Surely, if I could get it to feel as good for her as it did for me then she'd want more. We'd buy a new toy or go on a special date and sometimes, her interest would perk up. Every time, her refreshed sexual interest had me convinced that she was really enjoying herself now and those nasty lulls would be a thing of the past. The sex would be totally exhausting and thoroughly fulfilling. I'd be looking for opportunities to take our sex life to the next level - maybe she'd enjoy anal now, or sex in the boat under a full moon.... After a while, we'd always slip into that old pattern of copacetic sex once a week or so, maybe less. We'd talk about it and she said that she just doesn't think about sex very often and she needs to be in a "mood" to really want it. Little things that I see as insignificant easily spoil the mood for her.

Since we've started swinging, this is easily the longest running upswing in our sex lives since we got married. Foolish me, I was again thinking we had found a "cure" for the lulls, but I'm starting to recognize the little signs of her waning interest.

On the one hand, these cycles are deeply discouraging - no matter what I do, that fun just won't last. On the other hand, it's a captivating challenge to rekindle that spark into a roaring flame.

Is it boredom??? I don't have an answer

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by socolais

This thread quickly migrated toward the medication side effect as a cause for the lack of interest in sex and I think it's a shame that the pharmaceutical companies tolerate these effects in their products (probably so they can sell another product in hopes of restoring normalcy). But there isn't always a medication to blame.

I've always had a higher sex drive than my wife. She would almost never initiate sex - something "good girls" would never do. There were also times that she'd not be interested in my advances. I never connected it with "boredom", I thought it was that I just wasn't rocking her boat well enough. Surely, if I could get it to feel as good for her as it did for me then she'd want more. We'd buy a new toy or go on a special date and sometimes, her interest would perk up. Every time, her refreshed sexual interest had me convinced that she was really enjoying herself now and those nasty lulls would be a thing of the past. The sex would be totally exhausting and thoroughly fulfilling. I'd be looking for opportunities to take our sex life to the next level - maybe she'd enjoy anal now, or sex in the boat under a full moon.... After a while, we'd always slip into that old pattern of copacetic sex once a week or so, maybe less. We'd talk about it and she said that she just doesn't think about sex very often and she needs to be in a "mood" to really want it. Little things that I see as insignificant easily spoil the mood for her.

Since we've started swinging, this is easily the longest running upswing in our sex lives since we got married. Foolish me, I was again thinking we had found a "cure" for the lulls, but I'm starting to recognize the little signs of her waning interest.

On the one hand, these cycles are deeply discouraging - no matter what I do, that fun just won't last. On the other hand, it's a captivating challenge to rekindle that spark into a roaring flame.

Is it boredom??? I don't have an answer

I think your post follows exactly what I'm talking about... it's not necessarily boredom with sex but maybe (just maybe) boredom with our lives in general. Sometimes the best way to put the upswing back in sex has nothing to do with sex at all... but with our lives and getting out of the ruts we live in.

We get into this terrible rut of staying home on the weekends or if we go out going to dinner and a movie. We'd love to do other things, we love to go out dancing but short of going to Nashville there just aren't enough options... and the longer we go without doing the things we really enjoy the more of a rut we get into. For us it almost requires that we leave town every other weekend (or as often as possible) to avoid getting stuck in our local rut. We have a local social (or two) but their dates never seem to mesh with ours. I think if we lived in Nashville we'd probably be at Menages at least every other weekend and not necessarily to swing. The more bored I find myself getting with life in general, the harder I have to push myself in the sexual dept. So I don't believe it's about spicing up sex to spice up your life, but the other way around.

(oh and for the record, I'm feeling better and both my pet and my vibrator know it)

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think your post follows exactly what I'm talking about... it's not necessarily boredom with sex but maybe (just maybe) boredom with our lives in general. Sometimes the best way to put the upswing back in sex has nothing to do with sex at all... but with our lives and getting out of the ruts we live in.

We get into this terrible rut of staying home on the weekends or if we go out going to dinner and a movie. We'd love to do other things, we love to go out dancing but short of going to Nashville there just aren't enough options... and the longer we go without doing the things we really enjoy the more of a rut we get into. For us it almost requires that we leave town every other weekend (or as often as possible) to avoid getting stuck in our local rut. We have a local social (or two) but their dates never seem to mesh with ours. I think if we lived in Nashville we'd probably be at Menages at least every other weekend and not necessarily to swing. The more bored I find myself getting with life in general, the harder I have to push myself in the sexual dept. So I don't believe it's about spicing up sex to spice up your life, but the other way around.

(oh and for the record, I'm feeling better and both my pet and my vibrator know it)

I know just what you are talking about. I've never found bored and sex to be words that can be said in the same sentence. Bored and life is another thing. There are the times that "life" just gets in the way no matter how hard you try to prevent it. That's when I find it the easiest to get into a rut. I'm not sure how strange this is (and I can be a "strange cookie") but, I find the more I have sex, the more I want sex. When life gets in the way of me having sex, I seem to stay there (and I've dug a deep rut there in the past)...not wanting sex. Then I have to consciously make an effort to make love. I find that extremely sad in a way but I also find there are times it is unavoidable.


Vol

[cubnamy1995]

Originally Posted by LFM2

OMG... Depo really killed your sex drive? What a horrible side effect!!

I've been taking depo for close to 2 years now, and I love the no period side effect and I still have my strong libido.

It's the freakin' zoloft I take for anxiety during school and work that kills my sex drive dead.

When Amy was on Depo, it slowed down our sex life too, BECAUSE SHE WENT F&%KING CRAZY!!!!!! Baby went apeshit over every little thing.

I take zoloft and it messes with me too. On the one hand, I can go for much, much longer. Not that I was premature before, but it didn't take very much. The down-side is that while I have no erectile issues, I can't seem to orgasm sometimes. SSRIs just mess with your system.