Sex coach requested

[Tappit]

We are a married couple looking for a "sex coach" who can help us have more passion in our love-making and also to teach the wife to be sexy, more creative, and to have less inhibitions. Does anyone know how we can find this kind of help?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Tappit

We are a married couple looking for a "sex coach" who can help us have more passion in our love-making and also to teach the wife to be sexy, more creative, and to have less inhibitions. Does anyone know how we can find this kind of help?

First place to look is in the mirror. Nothing inspired me to feel like a sex goddess like Mr. intuition believing in me. No one has to teach your wife to be sexy, because it's something that she already is. She just needs to be reminded, or maybe even feels she needs permission. There's a difference between acting sexy and actually being sexy. One thing I love about swinging is having learned that every human being is worthy of loving and has the ability to love in return. Each and every one of us - male or female - has a sexual aspect and it is beautiful. One only needs to know where to look. It often gets lost in "mom jeans" and bad haircuts, and passing up a mani and a pedi because the little Princess 'needs' those $150 Baby Phat sneaks. Doing dishes, laundry, all that crap tends to take the sexy out of life. Believe me, I'm living it now. This is the biggest challenge.

Let her know with more than just words that see and love that part of her. It's not gone; it's just sleeping. Encourage her to really relish it and feed it. Help her to celebrate it.

If you feel that she is inhibited and not very creative, and you feel that there could be more passion in your relationship, you'll need to inspire her trust. If she feels that you are emotionally unavailable, critical, or otherwise unapproachable, that there's a distinct chance that she could be wounded pretty deeply by making herself so vulnerable to you by showing you what's hiding within, she will remain distant and unresponsive. Show her your vulnerability first. Show and tell her who you really are. Tell her something scary or embarrassing about yourself that you have been afraid to tell her up until now. This says to her, "This is who I am, and I have been afraid to tell you because I was afraid you wouldn't love me if you knew. Please don't stop loving me for being who I am." It is this shared vulnerability, this opening of hearts and giving of fragile gifts that inspires love, tenderness, and a fierce loyalty and desire to protect one another from the hurts of the world. Find this in one another and you'll have passion that you won't know what to do with.

[ShellyM]

I do not know that a coach can "teach" your wife to be less inhibited or shy. I can tell you from here until tomorrow what to do, but until she realizes her own beauty and comes into her own sexuality it will be moot. This is something that simply comes from within yourself and in my opinion cannot be taught. I would simply show her lots of love and have lots of patience. I know its said alot, but I really believe that swing clubs are good for new upcoming swingers. They enable you to be in a sexual environment with virtually no pressure. Let her move at her own pace and never apply pressure. Its crazy, but sometimes having your husband tell you that you are beautiful is like your parents telling you that you are pretty....you expect them to say that. The thrill you get from another person telling you how sexy and hot you are is absolutely intoxicating. Just have patience and she will come into her own.

[Tappit]

Thanks for the replies. I (wife) posted the original question. I know my husband finds me sexy and he gets very excited by my body. I don't get a thrill when anyone tells me that I am sexy and hot although I understand that for others, this is a turn-on. I'm just not wired to be sexy and passionate but I am wired to follow the lead of someone who can be sexy, passionate, intimate, creative, and all of the things that my husband wants. I'm just looking for a coach to help me be a better lover for my husband. I want someone to be there with me to coach me through the tough spots. The problem is that I seem to freeze. I ask my husband to help me along but he is uncomfortable telling me to do something that I am uncomfortable doing. For example, my husband likes me to striptease. I want to but I just end up standing there. He tells me what to do but it results in lack of fluidity and becomes disjointed. I may or may not learn how to get past this lack of sexiness but with a coach I can still learn to please my husband, which is my primary goal. I want to be a better lover for my husband because it is important to him and therefore, it is important to me.

[avid]

I don't know you, but I'd like to respectfully dispute you not being "wired" for being sexy. I think we ALL have the sensual, sexual energy inside us. The trick is to help it come out.

I spent many years identifying as a child-bearing woman. I lived and breathed pregnancy, birth, babies and breastfeeding. I never would have considered myself "sexy". Earth mother, definitely. After the birth of our third child, as previously decided by my husband and I, he had a vasectomy, and my child bearing days were over. I delayed the inevitable by breastfeeding, but eventually I had to face the fact that I needed a new way of looking at myself.

The first thing I did for myself was take care of my body. Exercise, letting go of some extra weight, decent hair cut, etc.

Then I did something that seemed small, but in retrospect was quite big. I took a pole dancing class. I found a new strength, a sensuality, a respect for myself that I never knew before. It was like a switch was turned on, and all of a sudden I was capital S sexy.

I think any changes you make have to come from the inside out. Someone giving you a step-by-step approach to becoming sexy will most likely feel artificial, and it probably won't be a long lasting change. I think it's said over and over on this board that we've known women of all shapes and sizes who are just overwhelmingly sexy - and very often it's something indefinable that makes them that way. You need to find your own way of being sexy.

Good luck to you.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by avid

I think it's said over and over on this board that we've known women of all shapes and sizes who are just overwhelmingly sexy - and very often it's something indefinable that makes them that way. You need to find your own way of being sexy.

Good luck to you.

Exactly. I call it the "it" factor. And I hear you on the baby years. I was the same way. OP I think it is commendable that you love your husband so much that you want to learn things to please him more. And I agree with the last poster that every woman has the ability to be sexual and sensual within her...our bodies themselves are designed sensually. Hmmm, I'm trying to think of something to tell you. Perhaps a glass of wine would help relax you..it does me. I am NOT condoning you get sloshed, just a little red wine to help you let go of your inhibitions. Again I don't know you so I do not know what is holding you back...it could be you are having trouble going from Mommy to lover, could be how you were raised (I was raised good Catholic girl that was never told about sex until she was taught by her boyfriend...this is a real potential for disaster). But I think if you can tap inside yourself she is there. I'm not trying to push you to do anything you aren't ready to do...but I do know from experience that when a woman is doing something to please others and not herself you can tell. You can just tell when a woman is truly there for pleasure and when she is there going through the motions, and so my hope for you is that you reach in there and pull that woman out for your OWN pleasure. Its fantastic that you want to please your husband. I hope YOU get pleasure. Have you tried masturbating? Seriously, this does wonders. You learn about yourself and how to please yourself. Best of luck to you.

[sweet_tna]

I agree with the other ladies here. It is hard to take off the mommy hat and see yourself as sexy. And I think it's wonderful that you want to find a way to "act sexy" for your husband. Even better that you know he sees you that way. But you need to believe it.

There are a lot of ways to help give your self-confidence a boost. For me, it was belly dance classes, some weight loss, and making time for me and hubby to be alone (whether or not sex was involved). You have to figure out what works best for you, but once you do it's an awesome thing.

=)

[rdy46227]

Originally Posted by Tappit

{snip}
I'm just not wired to be sexy and passionate but I am wired to follow the lead of someone who can be sexy, passionate, intimate, creative, and all of the things that my husband wants. I'm just looking for a coach to help me be a better lover for my husband. I want someone to be there with me to coach me through the tough spots. The problem is that I seem to freeze. I ask my husband to help me along but he is uncomfortable telling me to do something that I am uncomfortable doing.
{snip}
I can still learn to please my husband, which is my primary goal. I want to be a better lover for my husband because it is important to him and therefore, it is important to me.

You may find yourself in the class of people called "submissives" as in Dominance and Submission. This isn't about BDSM, whips and chains, etc.

A submissive is often feeds on what their partner wants. Frequently they say their focus is always on their partner, and what they do is motivated by/for their partner. They want to do anything their partner suggests in order to please their partner, and their desire for self satisfaction can be minor at best.

A submissive gives up control (maybe totally) to their partner, can have a very hard time taking initiative without prompting, and wants to be acted upon, not to act upon. When matched to a partner who is not prepared or always desiring of the submissive attribute, a submissive can feel unfulfilled, and their partner sometimes frustrated.

I realize this isn't you 100%. There is a component similar to social anxiety where it's difficult to express yourself, role play, or figure out how to relate to someone.

You may have the right idea about a coach, but go for something specific objective. For example, there are classes in belly dancing and erotic (pole) dancing in my community (the latter from a women only fitness center).

Acting class (community theater) could help you when you need to assume a role by dealing with your self consciousness. Let them know up front why you're there and they will understand -- others have gone before you.

Finally, let hubby know what's inside you. He may be able to change his mindset a lot of the time to better match your innate makeup -- that is, accept control as a gift you offer him.

[lovinher]

Iv'e always wanted to start a new profession.
You have been given some very good advice.
You don't need me.

[cf29]

It may sound corny but I bought a book for me and the wife by Laura Korn a long while ago which both of us loved playing with. It is a book with sealed paged where he picks one and the next night she picks one and then you keep it secret until the special night, which adds suspense. I think it was called "101 Nights of GREAT Sex", actually we never finished the book there is like 15-20 pages left. But I think since then we have been going at it in some form like almost every day since then. It really added a spark and tought us to just be ourselves and have confidence. It comes highly recommended. She also have others like "101 Nights of Quickies" or something like that and all are available in any book store like Barnes and Noble and such.

[intuition897]

Great advice from the other board members here. Belly dancing, pole dancing and the like are great ideas. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, you could try starting out with something as simple as yoga. It gets you in touch with your body in a way that teaches you to love it the way it is, gently encourage and nurture it to be more than it is, and better understand this thing that your soul is riding around in. It's a good place to start.

For me, it was weightlifting and hiking/running. I loved the zen/zone of asking my body to do something really difficult (lifting more weight than last week) and loving how it rose to the challenge, listened to me, and how I could force it to do things it didn't "want" to do. This also made me aware of how easy it would be for me to hurt myself if I wasn't careful or responsible with what I asked my body to do. I loved watching my muscles harden and grow and watch the flab shrink. Sweat is yucky, but I was proud of myself for making myself do it. And running was another high. My body felt like this wonderful, beautiful machine (sometimes it squeaked and creaked, but hey! it got me from A to B) and running along the empty roads at night with uplifting music in my ears and fresh night air flowing through my lungs left me buzzed. I would get home and my hands literally felt like they were vibrating with energy. Which reminds me, I need to go put our home gym together soon...

I agree with avid. Sexy is hardwired. The lack of 'sexy' you're feeling, the awkwardness, is just what you've come to learn. You'll need to unlearn it, and doing so means putting yourself out there a bit. You'll find yourself uncomfortable at times, but keep in mind that if you feel uncomfortable, it means you need to back up and try another tack. You can't just take a woman who is uncomfortable with being sexy, have her dress up in a negligee and expect her to turn into a veritable slut (and I mean slut in a very good way, btw). You just need to start small.

Some ideas...

Develop personal rituals. One of mine: Candles are a staple in my bathroom as well as perfumed bath salts. Bath time is "MY" time, and I can and will spend as much time as I please in the tub with the lights off, candles lit, bubbles overflowing the jacuzzi and the window open letting in the sounds of the evening and the fresh air.

Buy yourself a pair of sexy panties and matching bra. Do not model it especially for your husband. This is for you to wear under your everyday clothes. It's your little secret, and the beginning of a collection.

Get a piercing or a discrete tattoo if you're inclined. If you're not ready for that, try buying a sexy piece of jewellery like an anklet. Don't forget the pedicure.

Sexy. Shoes.

Splurge on a really, really, really good haircut and colour. Expect to spend about $100. Seriously, if you have to save up for this, it's worth it.

Get a tanning package or spa service package. Something to treat your body to. Body wraps or massage therapy are great. Also infrared sauna sessions. Makes you feel like a million bucks.

Get a tooth whitening kit.

Do you wear glasses? If you do, consider trying contacts - maybe even coloured contacts. If contacts won't work for you, consider getting a new pair of frames. I have to wear glasses all the time or I'm as good as blind. So I reasoned that, if I have to wear them every waking hour of every day, they better damned well look good. I spent$500 on one pair of Versace frames with glare-free lenses and a pair of Anne Klein prescription sunglasses. I appreciate them every single day and I still love them. I get compliments on them all the time and I haven't regretted a cent.

Just find little ways to appreciate yourself. You say you're not 'wired' to like it when someone tells you you're sexy. I'm just taking a shot in the dark here, but could it be that maybe you just don't believe them? Are you afraid to believe them? Next time someone says it, say, "I know." and give them a little squeeze on the butt.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by rdy46227

A submissive gives up control (maybe totally) to their partner, can have a very hard time taking initiative without prompting, and wants to be acted upon, not to act upon. When matched to a partner who is not prepared or always desiring of the submissive attribute, a submissive can feel unfulfilled, and their partner sometimes frustrated.

You are sooooooooooooooo right. I am a sexual sub and when I played with a man that was also sub it drove us both to distraction. I HAVE to have a man that is confident, strong and yes dominant.

[prettylady]

101 nights of great sex, note to self, christmas gift.

Oh sorry you caught me thinking out loud again.

I don't do sexy. Never have been comfortable with that lable. You should have seen me at halloween, I was uncomfortable until I could cover up abit then I let loose.
I am more the cute playful type and I am lost when I am "suppose" to be sexy.
Let her find her comfort zone, then she will feel her best and WOW what a change in her attitude. Well atleast that is the way it is for me.
If Dog wants sexy we visit friends. But for the most part he loves his cutie.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by prettylady

101 nights of great sex, note to self, christmas gift.

Oh sorry you caught me thinking out loud again.

I don't do sexy. Never have been comfortable with that lable. You should have seen me at halloween, I was uncomfortable until I could cover up abit then I let loose.
I am more the cute playful type and I am lost when I am "suppose" to be sexy.
Let her find her comfort zone, then she will feel her best and WOW what a change in her attitude. Well atleast that is the way it is for me.
If Dog wants sexy we visit friends. But for the most part he loves his cutie.
Your friend,
Prettylady

Sooooo true! I'm the opposite. I'm not cute, I wouldn't even label myself as "pretty". I am sexual. I don't think any man has ever called me cute...I think its my very full lips lol, but I feel more sexual than cute. And then yes, there are women who I see and think she is just soooo cute! Its whatever you are comfortable with. You have an amazing body though pretty lady, I think gorgeous and beautiful are very fitting for you my dear.

[intuition897]

I couldn't do "cute" if my life depended on it. I wish I could, but it's just not in me. School-girl? I just can't pull it off. But the naughty librarian, the office slut, or maybe the strict schoolteacher handing out discipline... I can do that.

I guess the secret is just finding yourself and learning to love what you find.