Is it possible for women to not fantasize?

[LKNcouple]

My wife and I have a good sex life. (I would not consider it great). She was brought up in a small southern town with deep religious roots. She is the baby of big family, and she was a virgin whenwe met.

We have sex 1-2 times a week, she can have orgasms from Oral or from a vibrator. We talk about sex often, and she says that she is really horny a couple of times a month(Meaning she needs to have sex), the other times she likes if but if we did not have it, then it would not be a big deal. We have tried to get her libido fired up, we have a couple of vibrators, which are in our play often. We have had sex in public, we have role played, we have watched porn(She does not like porn mainly because of the shots of womens assholes) we have been to strip clubs and we have even been to an on premise club twice (Trapeze in Atlanta) to watch. I have tried to have her open up about her fantasies but she says she does not have any. In the past when I asked her to describe her fantasies she would talk about some hot things, but recently she said they were not her fantasies but she said she would talk about things she thought I would want to hear. After 17 years of marriage, that was a real shock to think that she has no fantasies, and I wonder if that is possible. I know that women are wired differently then men, while I have fantasies everyday, I find it hard to believe that she has no fantasies other than just having sex with me. While my biggest fantasy is to have a FMFM with her, I know that will likely never happen.

So my question is to the women, do you think it is possible to not have any sexual fantasies? Do any of the women have any suggestions on things that I can do or suggest to have her think more about sex and have fantasies?

[beachguyz]

Is it possible that since she was raised as a "good girl" she might be embarrassed to talk about it?

Women are like men in many respects when it comes to sex. Men, don't think for one minute that your shy wife hasn't checked out some guy's package. They do it like we do it except they don't discuss it like we do. With some women talking about it in their mind makes them slutty.

Take some time and listen to her. She'll open up to you and discuss her fantasies as long as she is secure that you won't think badly of her.

[sereneiders]

Long ago my wife told me, insisted, that she had no sexual fantasies. As for today, she would grin remembering this.

The fact is, she have fantasies, but the way those fantasies evolves is pretty different than the way my fantasies does, and to "understand" hers as sexual fantasies, we had to give up our expectations for what I tought a fantasy should be.

Even for her, from the way she was taught, she had the same expectations about what constitues a fantasy and what isn't one. When I told her about mines, I was able to put them in words, to build visual images, to make them evolve following some sort of script. THis didn't helped either. The sort of toughts/sensations she had wasn't recognized by her as sexual fantasies, and not even mentioned to me when I asked to know her fantasies. She sticked to this of "I don't have sexual fantasies", because she was looking into her head for something sticking to my (or the male's) "pattern" for a fantasy.

From my experience, I believe you may be part of "her problem", like when she talk about some "hot things" for her, even if not presented to you (nor to herself) in "the proper way" for a sexual fantasy, and perhaps (as happened to me) your reactions before these things, even the slightiest ones, told her over and over that these doesn't qualify as sexual fantasies yet... until she gets tired of the communication effort and ends up "admitting" she doesn't have sexual fantasies.

Perhaps it is just a matter of start listening to her, to learn her language, instead of trying to force her to learn a language whose "lexical primitives" she doesn't know.

As for me, I wasn't aware of this until we reached a really bad time in bed and looked for professional help, and it was there when we figured this out. From then and on, I began doing my homework, REALLY listening to her, to her words for what turned her on and off, and she did her own homework by not giving up about teaching me her "language". I took a couple of years, and it required a lot of patience, but it reached a point where we were able to "translate" things back and forth from her language to mine.

And, just FYI, at the begining the sole idea of bringing a sex toy to our bed could lead me to sleep in the couch, and I didn't dare to ever mention again the whole swinging idea from her reaction.

By the time we learned each other languages, I was able to bring that toy. I was polite, of course: I shown it to her, put it in the closet, and forget about it. A couple of weeks later she came back to me, grinning, and telling me "it was fun... we should use it togheter". And later on, she was the one who bring it back the whole swinging idea, on her own, without any suggestion.

So, don't give up on this. But also, don't prettend to "know better" about sexual fantasies, moreover about females ones... and even more, about your wife's ones. Take a humble attitude and it's very likelly that you'll find out what you're looking for.

[LKNcouple]

Thanks for the feedback. I think there are some good points. However, I would love to get some opinions of some women out there. seems like some speculation from men so far.

[djjwp]

Sorry, I know you want the woman to respond but hey, they haven't yet! Hello?

I feel your pain, I'm in the same boat and have been for years. I can never seem to get her to tell me what she thinks, I have to freaking guess by her reaction. Sorry but that just is not right. Woman, PLEASE SAY WAY YOU WANT! You get it faster.

[gr8big]

Originally Posted by LKNcouple

Thanks for the feedback. I think there are some good points. However, I would love to get some opinions of some women out there. seems like some speculation from men so far.

Sorry to answer instead of the wife, BUT, I have the same problem, or, even worse, the related one. My wife will, in bed, tell me of a fantasy that she may have had at one time. She'll give a little detail and then stop. No problem, at least she said something…

Then, the next time we are engaged in our "pillow talk" she'll rescind everything she said and tell me she said it because she thought that's what I wanted to hear.

It stinks! However, we have NEVER discussed ANY type of girl-girl interaction and that's what she told me the fantasy was, so I think it's real.

Good luck. We're just learning this stuff. Maybe she'll create new fantasies soon.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Ok woman here, The Other Mrs. Menage. I do not fantasize either. Have I, yes a time or two but nothing to write home about. Am I sexual? You betcha, pretty much ready to go 24/7..........but I just don't fantasize.

I wish I did!!!! I feel like I'm missing some great stuff by not fantasizing but for me I rarely even day dream about everyday life. I'm a capricorn and tend to be a realist and very grounded. I wish I was able to drift off to fantasy land but it just doesn't happen for me.

I'm open to suggestions though.........................

The Other Mrs. Menage

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by LKNcouple

Thanks for the feedback. I think there are some good points. However, I would love to get some opinions of some women out there. seems like some speculation from men so far.

Well, my wife doesn't speak English well enough as to participate in this board, however she'd agree with what I said. We did a lot of talking about the whole fantasy thing already as to have a pretty good idea about her take.

Now, I'll leave the place for the ladies, however I strongly believe men and women belongs to different sub-cultures, and even when sharing the words and the grammar, we speak a different language here.

[gr8big]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

Ok woman here, The Other Mrs. Menage. I do not fantasize either. Have I, yes a time or two but nothing to write home about. Am I sexual? You betcha, pretty much ready to go 24/7..........but I just don't fantasize.

I can't imagine that you are in the lifestyle and think you don't fantasize. Fantasy is not sitting around with you hand on your crotch and your eyes closed (well, it can be, but isn't always). Fantasy includes simply thinking about something beforehand and working out some of the ways it could go.

Do you NEVER think about an erotic encounter before it happens? That's fantasy!

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by gr8big

Do you NEVER think about an erotic encounter before it happens? That's fantasy!

To be honest I don't. I may wonder general things like are they friendly, etc. but I don't really think in much detail about anything else. Just like alot of people get nervous when meeting people in the lifestyle for the first time or in a first time play sitation are nervous, will I never am. For me I have the mindset it is what it is and it will be what it will be.........so why dwell on it.

The Other Mrs. Menage

[TNT]

Originally Posted by LKNcouple

So my question is to the women, do you think it is possible to not have any sexual fantasies?

Sure, anything is possible. The OMM just said she doesn't and I'm sure there are lots of women who don't.


As for suggestions on how to make her think about sex and have fantasies...I'm not sure you can make anyone think about something they don't want to. It seems she has been very accommodating in trying to please you. You've been to strip clubs, watched porn, been to a swingers club...she's done more than a lot of women would even consider doing, count yourself lucky.

The only things I can think of that you might want to try are....

1. Since you said she doesn't really like porn...have you tried maybe some of the soft porn? Doing a search for porn made by women for women may be something that she likes more. It's not as hard core as some of the mainstream stuff and is geared more towards what a lot of women do fantasize about...romance with their sex.

2. Maybe a sappy romance novel or two. There are some out there that are very explicit sexually but again, they have a more romantic quality to them.

Not sure if any of those suggestions would work but, it was all I could think of.


Teresa

[sexcupid]

How are you defining fantasy? Something hard core and raunchy? Very detailed?

If she would say, "I think about having sex with 5 or 6 guys at once" is that enough for you or do you press for details? Who are they, what do they look like, what are they all doing, etc? I mean, I like the idea of having a bunch of guys around me...can i see faces in my fantasy? no...they are just men there to serve the purpose of my fantasy. My SO has asked me to expand on it a few times...but so far I've been at a loss on how to better explain it. The fantasy morphs a bit...because I can't give him all the detail he wants, should he conclude I don't fantasize or is it just that my way of wording something isn't the same as his and it lost on him? Has your wife ever made any general statements that might have been lost in a conversation of what she finds hot/attractive/a turn on? Maybe that's her opening to talk about it?

But then, I could be totally off base?

Maria

[JandD_OH]

Here's the good news...

Yes, she has fantasies.... Everybody does.

But it goes downhill from here. If her fantasies go way against the grain of how she was raised, it's going to be extremely difficult to get her to open up about it. My wife was that way for 8 years of our marriage. We started off in a sexual whirlwind that slowly tapered to next to nothing.

My best advice would be to think back to the beginning, and the type of lover you were, and why you changed.

In my case, early on I was very dominant and controlling (which was natural to me). She responded perfectly and I thought I'd met my sexual match.. But awhile into our marriage she told me she felt I was 'sexually demanding' and 'scared her' and whatnot, so I changed to a more sensitive style... And downhill it went from there.

Years later, with a lot of counseling, infidelity, and issues, and whatnot... It turns out she's very submissive sexually, but was taught that being submissive is bad, and was advised by a friend early on that she 'shouldn't put up with my shit'...

So.... leap ahead 8 years... All hell breaks loose when I'm moved out, ready to file for divorce, and she levels with me that she'd had an affair with a very dominant lover three years earlier. WTF!?! She tells me that she felt unfulfilled and his control was a huge turn on. It only lasted two times because he was abusive towards her, and she ended it.

A year later, our marriage and sex life is better than ever. I am who I am sexually, and she's no longer afraid to enjoy it. She had previously always told me she had no fantasies, and I had no choice but to accept it... But after the incident and some time she told me about fantasies that knocked my socks off. She wanted to be tied up, flogged, screwed very aggressively, and even to have candle wax dripped on her.

So, don't believe that she doesn't have fantasies... And if she's anything like my wife, comforting her for years that it's ok to be a sexual freak will not be enough.

I hope you don't need something to shock your marriage like I did, but don't give up hope... And keep searching.

Again... Think back to the beginning.... I'll bet the answer is there...

Good luck!

Joseph

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by gr8big

Do you NEVER think about an erotic encounter before it happens? That's fantasy!

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

To be honest I don't. I may wonder general things like are they friendly, etc. but I don't really think in much detail about anything else. Just like alot of people get nervous when meeting people in the lifestyle for the first time or in a first time play sitation are nervous, will I never am. For me I have the mindset it is what it is and it will be what it will be.........so why dwell on it.

The Other Mrs. Menage

This is an interesting thing. I am a male, and I do fantasize A LOT, however, if I'd have to answer gr8big question, I stick to Menage_a_Trois answer!!!

In my case, perhaps because I am aware that fantasies have so few to do with reality, since reality almost NEVER completelly fits the fantasy mold, thus it's like building up some expectation knowing beforehand it wont be fulfilled. And also because of a previous experience with a girlfriend so willing to fulfill my wishes thant ended up making me feel I was alone there, and she became just my right hand extension to jack off.

I mean, fantasy is fine, but it's overrated: the real thrill comes from facing scenarios you're not prepared for (i.e. planned), so you cannot repeat yourself, you're forced to do something new, to learn, to change.

And I believe this has a lot to do with the thread issue. Male's fantasies trends to be more srtuctured, articulated by some sort of scripting, than the females ones. This isn't something engraved in stone, but a trendset. Even for some females, where there exist such an script, it usually has more to do with the context justifying the sex, or the environment able to enhance the sexual sensations... I'd say, something more "holistic" and pegged with feelings (and not necesarily emotional feelings like pegging sex with love, they could be hedonistic feelings, like ambience temperature, tactile sensations like textures, smells or sounds), while we're more up to dettach from those feelings to focus in some visuals or symbolizations (like behaviors granting us a role in the fantasy).

This is a cultural thing, however, I believe it has nothing to do with the way men and women are taught to behave, the prudish or so, but comes from the bilogical fact reasuring women matherhood, while for the males, fatherhood was and is a matter of faith (unless you request for a DNA test, something so new that still didn't impact our culture, and that would be ill seen as a normal behavior in a relationship). As to be able to make this "act of faith", we, males, require a symbolic "training" women doesn't (they can have it, but it isn't a requirement), to be able to "build up" those scripts able to reasure our role, to convince us that our legacy is really "ours".

This is much like the police/thriller/mistery literature gender, a training to get the clues making us suspicious, so just after knowing we're "smart enouhg to tell", we can tell we have no reasons to be suspicious about our legacy. Some woman may become proficient on this "suspicious training" as well (and parhaps this has to do with this new cultural fashion prettending we both "are -entitled to- the same"... or the male's needs for the women to please them exactly the way we want), but they don't need to: when what really matters happens, they KNOW for sure.

So, we need this juice we call "fantasy", and we need to squeeze it, perhaps from fruits that doesn't have this juice at all... because they doesn't need to produce or aquire it at all.

As someone posted, it deppends on what you call "fantasy". I am pretty sure what male's call fantasy differs from the female's definition, even when we're able to use the same words to define the features turning a tought into a "fantasy". Female's doesn't have a clue of what "fantasy" means for a guy, and we have no clue of the meaning for females.

And it is interesting to point out the few attention from the females this thread topic dragged so far, compared with the amount of males who attended... even when uninvited to answer.